SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sweetheart, your husband not depositing enough money in your joint account for even basic necessities is financial abuse. Half of everything he makes is yours -- and for the whole last 18 years too.

I actually would consider talking to a women's shelter. They will have resources to help you. Your husband doesn't have to know about it, and you don't have to leave home per se (In fact, I would have a lawyer require him to leave the home and to pay child support into the state-mandated system)

The problem is this: nothing will ever get better unless you take a VERY strong stand NOW. You can PM me if you'd like. Trust me, I know where you're coming from. It only feels hopeless, it's not.

Also, you should go see about applying for welfare and WIC if you're on your own. Some people have a stigma that they wouldn't couldn't do that -- but why not? Who better for it to go to than someone like you?

He's treating you like this because he thinks he can, and if you let him, he's right.

First things first. Don't worry about him "taking" the kids. Puh-leeze...you as a SAHM are what they are used to and a court is not going to upset the apple cart. How, as a working electrician is he going to be able to justify taking care of all of them? What? Is he going to hire a wet nurse? At the worst, opinions of the older kids, like the 16 year old may come into play if they were asked who they wanted to be with, barring visitation for the other spouse.

Based on his reactions alone, I say guilty. As someone with actual brain damage, I can tell you, given your H's excuses, there is no way I would fall for the ole "I told you about these before" because given you've already noticed suspicious things or behavior, you'd be right on it the first time like a bloodhound.

That said, I've also thought of a couple of things. There may be a chance (just a chance) he's visiting strip clubs & getting private time in the back rooms. The worst of these places offer BJ's to the whole works, the lesser may offer whatever is possible w/o skin to skin contact, say simulating a BJ with kissing or blowing warm air. This would fit into the lipstick marks, his dirty black shorts, stray hairs and have you ever seen glitter? These gals (not to mention something OW also do) seem to leave behind something for the wife to find.

When I was okay with strip clubs (not anymore) my H usually went w/a friend or two (and I didn't know what lap dances could actually become)he'd have to strip when he came home..because I'm horrendously sensitive to whore perfume, hehe. But omg, the condition of the outside of his pants, well there was usually makeup transfer & glitter. He noticed it too & quit wearing dark pants on his other, soon to be short-lived, visits.

That said, since your H didn't admit to even this, chances are it's probably something or someone else :(

I'll give you an excuse to use so you can pretend to drop the matter...if it fits into your H's toileting habits. I noticed the center of his waistband on his tighty whities looked worn. This makes me wonder if when he goes to wee, he just pulls them down under his johnson, rather than pull it through the space built into the jockies for that purpose. Assuming this, and also he was talking about chalk, and not caulk, go here: http://www.homedepot.com/h_d1/N-5yc1v/R-100038588/h_d2/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10053&langId=-1&keyword=chalk+line&storeId=10051

This is a type of chalk that is used in construction jobs to set a straight line by nailing the string on top (which goes through the chalk filled bob to the bottom, then a person holds the bob and snaps a straight line. Now hold that thought. Let's assume he's set a line or came in contact with the red chalk..nature calls. He pulls down his waste band and then using most likely his left hand, he pinches his jockies to lower them with his thumb and index finger & uses one more to help lower them under his johnson. That being accomplished he uses his right hand to hold said johnson in proper angle to toilet or urinal or open field.

Three flaws with this argument. Depending on the work he does, new construction leaves bare areas for the electricians to come in and do their wiring. However if he also does old construction than I can understand him laying a line to cut, say sheetrock or plaster board. 2nd flaw...why wouldn't his right hand also be covered with chalk. 3rd flaw, why didn't he bother to explain this to you. At the least when my H is proving his innocence, he will do leaps and bounds to illustrate where my logic is flawed. This excuse, if you use it though & then pretend to drop the matter, I'm sure he'll readily accept. Then you can lay low and investigate further, once he thinks he's in the clear again. Do try to observe him using the toilet & whether this is a technique he uses or not.

Now is he running scared? You betcha, because adultery is a cause for divorce in Conn & I think the underwear with other evidence could be added to the case, if D becomes something in the future...there also may be tell tale DNA left. Even if it's something you don't want, at this point you have to put D on the table as it proceeds to you gathering evidence.

And because it's a cause, it probably also comes into play as it regards child custody matters. Even when adultery isn't a cause in no fault states, it's always a good matter to bring up, since judges still don't take kindly to it.

Now I've given you an excuse you can use & tell him you thought through his explanation & realized you overreacted and the matters dropped. Only don't drop it and use it to rationalize or rugsweep. Again, based on my experiences, an innocent person would not have reacted, such as your husband has.

So one last thought. His employer. Yes, he could be using him as a smokescreen,lulling you into a false sense of security that the boss is so tight, that your H would never act out during work hours. If in fact, they actually have disclosed your husband may be "recorded", the most common thing they will do is put a GPS device on their vehicles...less of a chance there is actual recording of voices during the work day. If you get a chance, I'd definitely move the passenger seat to a position that makes it easier for you to observe if it's been moved. Mine is set to my petite frame and goes up quite far, so easy to look at from outside and see if it's been moved back. I have some more info to share which I will PM, since it's usually mentioned in the IT forum, which you won't have access to until you make more posts.

For right now, just know you'll get through this and take care of you and your children. A few years back there was a mother of five, who'd D'd her abusive husband and was able to relocate to a job as a nanny/housekeeper for a well off family & she reported she was happy as could be. So if the worst does come to pass, just know it's possible to reforge a new life for yourself.

Edited to add: you could run to a hardware store & buy some of that red chalk and see how it reacts to a washing. Also I posted in general a pretty good description on proving adultery in South Carolina. Do visit a lawyer cause all states are different, but it does give you an idea as to gathering evidence & what doesn't apply can be thrown out later.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=456725

[This message edited by oldtimer97 at 10:40 AM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

I'm a bit confused as to why you feel your H could keep your children through a D settlement? Sorry if I missed something in your story.

I"m so sorry for your pain. If I lived in your state I'd come by and help you. I feel your pain and I'm so glad you found us here. I'm thankful so many BS have given you great advice. From one BS to another, please listen to their advice,and know you aren't alone.

Hugs.

Old Timer, thank you for that response.

Here are some answers and thoughts I had while reading them.

Based on his reactions alone, I say guilty. As someone with actual brain damage, I can tell you, given your H's excuses, there is no way I would fall for the ole "I told you about these before" because given you've already noticed suspicious things or behavior, you'd be right on it the first time like a bloodhound.

That said, I've also thought of a couple of things. There may be a chance (just a chance) he's visiting strip clubs & getting private time in the back rooms.

He works for an employer that has 2 employees, him and another guy. There is another boss, but he isn't present anymore. His boss is a Sunday School teacher, although he isn't the nicest guy from what my husband says. They don't do the club scene. I don't think he has time too. He leaves at 6:30 to get to work by 7 and he leaves work at 3:30 to get home by 4. He's pretty precise. There is no out time. He doesn't let me out of his sight so I wouldn't return the favor to him. He's always on everything I do. He doesn't have freinds that he hangs with he always says that I'm enough and we don't need freinds, we're married. In the day he has a 10 minute break at 10 and luch for 30 min at 12. He calls me both those times, every day. Not my choice, but his. His claim is he has no time and that no woman is going to settle for 10 minutes here and there, but there are a lot and lot of whores out there that are nymphos that would.

it's probably something or someone else :(

This is what I think. He does a lot of old work in apartments, some very shady areas. Who knows maybe someone had the electrician/construction worker fantasy and he thought I will never know.

I'll give you an excuse to use so you can pretend to drop the matter...if it fits into your H's toileting habits. I noticed the center of his waistband on his tighty whities looked worn.

This makes me wonder if when he goes to wee, he just pulls them down under his johnson, rather than pull it through the space built into the jockies for that purpose.

Yep, thats exactly what he does.

Assuming this, and also he was talking about chalk, and not caulk, go here: http://www.homedepot.com/h_d1/N-5yc1v/R-100038588/h_d2/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10053&langId=-1&keyword=chalk+line&storeId=10051

This is a type of chalk that is used in construction jobs to set a straight line by nailing the string on top (which goes through the chalk filled bob to the bottom, then a person holds the bob and snaps a straight line.

I know this kind, he does use it.

Now hold that thought. Let's assume he's set a line or came in contact with the red chalk..nature calls. He pulls down his waste band and then using most likely his left hand, he pinches his jockies to lower them with his thumb and index finger & uses one more to help lower them under his johnson. That being accomplished he uses his right hand to hold said johnson in proper angle to toilet or urinal or open field.

Three flaws with this argument. Depending on the work he does, new construction leaves bare areas for the electricians to come in and do their wiring. However if he also does old construction than I can understand him laying a line to cut, say sheetrock or plaster board. 2nd flaw...why wouldn't his right hand also be covered with chalk.

My husband is strictly left handed, don't know if this makes a difference, though.

3rd flaw, why didn't he bother to explain this to you. At the least when my H is proving his innocence, he will do leaps and bounds to illustrate where my logic is flawed. This excuse, if you use it though & then pretend to drop the matter, I'm sure he'll readily accept. Then you can lay low and investigate further,

I guess this is my only way of knowing. I think I'm still getting over the shock and I feel like I'm drowning in sadness and at the same time having to function.

I don't think he even cares. I honestly think that he is so used to me looking the other way that he "knows" I'll do it again.

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Please take very good care of your self. I too was breast feeding on d day and ended up developing matsis and a breast absess that required an incision and drainage. The doctor said it was stress related.

Oh, kid, I know it hurts and this is a bad situation. Hugs to you and your littles.

A very bad situation. Nothing seems "normal" in your situation.

Your BIL is wrong- very very wrong.

Your husband is manipulating you, isolating you, and controlling you. You are not in a marriage. He is wrong, very very wrong.

He does not treat you like a grown up, a partner, or even, it seems, as a person.

Please seek help- you need advice from somewhere familiar with your type of situation(a shelter or something similar) on how to deal with your circumstances.

Keep posting here, too.

You are a good mom- he will never be able to take the children unless he runs off with them. Don't let that fear stop you from protection yourself and them.

They need you. They need you to protect yourself, respect yourself, and be respected.

I am sorry. Hold strong for your littles.

Hey sportsfan, no you haven't missed anything. He's just always said that to me. When we were first married and then when my son came along, he used to hit me like a child if I disagreed or smarted off to him. This is years ago, though. He hasn't hit me or kicked me in probably 9-10 years. He is all I've ever known. I have been with him since 16, I'm now 34 so that is over half my life. I feel he is a part of me and I'm scared to be alone, honestly. I'm very very scared though that he'll take my kids.

I have an anxiety disorder. I don't know if this type of thing can be used against me. It doesn't affect how I care for my kids, though. I take Paxil and Klonopin-only .05 a day. My dr prescribes everything that I have taken and its been about 6 or 7 years.

Honestly, my husband makes me uneasy because I've always caught him in lies, like with the semen in the black underwear, calling out a girls name twice in his sleep by the name of Heather. This was 9 years ago. When I confronted him he said I must have been dreaming. He also left early for work one day. He denied that too even though I looked at the clock and tried to call him. He makes me a wreck.

I'm scared he'll use the anxiety disorder against me...bottom line.

Please, for your sake and the sake of your kids, call the women's shelter for advice. All of your internal thoughts and proceeds, its classic battered women's syndrome. He is not worth any of this. Period.

You are worth so much more. Do you want your kids to learn from his behavior? Because they will.

Even if your H hasn't cheated- based on what you're saying I'd still get my ducks in a row and divorce.

He is abusing you emotionally without a doubt. Very controlling. This is disturbing to me.

Things I have to say- any man I've ever known wouldn't have batted an eye at the stain in his undies. Not to throw them away or bring it up MUCH LESS throw them in for a FLIPPING SECOND WASH! His being nervous and mentioning it is a huge thing for me.

The mentioning that his boss gets the phone bill and checks his calls/texts is a red flag to me.

Basically he is saying - "Don't bother asking my boss because he is already checking it- and I'd be in trouble if there were anything to see".

His saying there's probably a VAR in his car- Yeah- again- "Nothing to SEE HERE". So he's saying- I'm tracked everywhere I go- you have nothing to worry about.

He is so flipping paranoid it isn't funny. He keeps trying to convince you that he will take the kids if you try to leave because HE is scared you will take them from him and wants to scare you into thinking you don't have a chance. WH did this early on in our relationship. I said- OH HELL NO- I got proof of everything we owned- all of our income- all of the kid's medical records and made copies of everything showing I am the primary care provider for my children and that WH did nothing.

Next time he said that to me- I laughed at him and asked him if my forehead SAID STUPID? I told him to watch his ass. I wasn't worried at all. I told him I would NEVER take his kids away from him unless he was harming them and if he wanted to threaten to do it to me- I'd reconsider!

He hasn't EVER said that since.

Anyway- it sounds bad to me. Even if it's not an A.

It does sound like one though.

I once waited for my H to get back from a "TOW" and the road was closed going toward our house so he'd have to come by me if he was returning home. He didn't come by me. He wasn't where he said he'd be. I confronted him and he said "So- what? You're fucking following me?!" and then proceeded to make me feel like a distrustful bitch for questioning him. He made up an excuse. I dropped it and started investigating further. One week later I had all the evidence I needed.

Hang in there. Get the FACTS and get out (assuming that's what you want).

Good luck and I'm SOOOOOOOOO sorry you had to join this group!

Ok, first of all, he will NOT be able to take your kids. Let me say it again. He will NOT be able to take your kids. If he brings up the anxiety, your Dr. can write a character reference, and detail exactly how COMPETENT you are.

Now, start writing everything down. Create an email address he doesn't know about and email yourself notes, document everything you can think of. This man is abusive... and I'll bet he's abusive to your kids as well.

I think it's time to contact a women's shelter, and at least get advice on what your next step should be. They may be able to point you in the right direction as far as a lawyer and your legal rights. Best bet is to have him removed from the home. I think you'd feel a lot more secure if that was the case, rather than leaving.

You don't deserve this. Please remember that.

TXMommy, he's not very nice to the kids. He's always screeching at them. Not to say I don't get mad but he never has any time for them. My sons come to me and give me hugs and sit in my lap. They don't go to him. My 16 yo talks to me, not him. He confides in me. I wouldn't take them from him unless, like you said, he hurt them or hit them. He doesn't do that. The last time he hit me was 9-10 years ago, but I do recognize him being glued to me at the hip is a BIG problem. I don't get time to be a woman aside from my children or him. There are NO trips to the salon, No pedicure No manicures. I have never even been to the salon for the last two. I get no free time to even browse a store. I beg him just to walk around Rite Aid for goodness sake. Everywhere I need to go, like the store for water or anything, he goes too including all the kids except for the oldest. I really see that as a problem. This is the way its always been. There is no him watching the kids. But he goes out alone to get stuff we need, but I can't do it. His excuse is that he loves me and if I loved him I'd feel the same way.To want to go everywhere with him. Its just creepy.

I now have to go. He will be home soon and I need to erase at least the SI history. Tommorow, I will look into the GPS and VAR.

He definitly has me believing he's watched all the time. I guess he wants me to feel that false sense of security.

[This message edited by itsovernow at 2:36 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

This is classic emotional abuse. Even if he isn't cheating---which I highly doubt----his treatment of you warrants a divorce.

Good luck and get out of his life.

I was able to get back on. I suggested that my oldest son needed a haircut. He's gone. My two middle ones are at a freinds house so it left the babies and I in the van with him for a few minutes.

What a HORRIBLE conversation. He just kept insisting he didn't do it and he's all cocky about it. He's critisizing me for not finding a forensic investigator quick enough! He was bragging about how he's the one paying for it, like he was not going to pay. I told him that I would find the money if I had to. I would sell something. Anyway its the new Discover card that is going to pay for it. One thing that puzzled me about this is why he pointed it out. To me this is like the Tell Tale Heart.

One of the explainations he gave me on Monday night for telling me about the underwear was that so if I saw it, I wouldn't be mad. I just reminded him of that and he said he NEVER said that. He's such a liar.

you are sitting in the van while he and son are in the barber?

Read through the advice when you get a chance. Make the underwear not a big deal. Investigate.

Research and get help.

you are sitting in the van while he and son are in the barber?

Read through the advice when you get a chance. Make the underwear not a big deal. Investigate.

Research and get help.

He's abusive and controlling. I hope you are deleting all of your history so he doesn't realize you are on here.

He can NOT take your kids because you have anxiety and are on meds to treat it. Many people are on anti-anxiety meds. The very fact that you are taking medication to treat your anxiety shows that you are getting help for a medical condition.

I have an excellent relationship with my doctor. he knows everything concerning my FWS and the way the cheating has affected me. have you be open with your doctor,does he know your WS is the reason for your anxiety? If so,he can testify to that in court.

No not in the van. I was typing fast before so I can see where I may have sounded confusing.

My two middle sons went to a freinds. I went with husband(as usual) to drop them off. That left me with the babies and him. We went through McDonalds to get coffee and he, again, brought up the underwear. Even if I'm not saying anything about them, he brings it up. It was an awful conversation. He denies stuff I know he said and stuff that he knows he said.

On the way home, I suggested that he get my oldest son a haircut.We came home and my son left with him in the van and dropped him off down the street to get one since there would be a waiting time. I was here alone with my baby girl so I jumped on SI to vent.

He just left again to pick up the two middle boys, and I got a movie so that should take him even longer to go and get. Its called "The Devil Inside" I thought the title was appropriate so weather or not it sucks, oh well. Its the horrible mood I'm in right now.

**Here is the latest crap he's telling me. This is the most disgusting garbage I have ever heard in my life. He is saying I just want a divorce and I'm trying to get rid of him and I'm using the underwear as an excuse!! Really?! WTF? I don't want a divorce but I may have to if he will not come clean.

He also suggested I mail the underwear to a forensic examiner and I said NO! I explained that they are worth a million dollars to me. And right away, the jerk thought I meant because of court and a judge. I quickly corrected him and explained I meant my children. If that isn't lipstick, I don't have to split my family up. I will be doing a dance of joy. I will quickly apologize and even update everyone on here.

Then lastly he said I'm NOT trying HARD enough to find a forensic investegator. I can't believe he said that! Its not like they're just waiting desperatly by the phone because they need work.

I'm so floored at his insults. He's obviously trying to turn the tables to make me look like the "Bad guy" which in turn makes him look more guilty.

He said the only reason he's paying for this test is because he shouldn't have told me.

[This message edited by itsovernow at 5:46 PM, May 16th (Wednesday)]

I am from CT and I can tell you from everything you have posted here, no court is going to take away your children from you. Do you actually realize how difficult that is to do??? Esp in this state.

First of all I think you are a very smart and very wise woman. You write very well and you obviously know how to take care of your entire large family on a tight budget. I do think you sell yourself short when you doubt if you could make it on your own. It seems your sister, your BIL and your husband are used to ordering you around and they expect you to just take it and do what they say. Your sister doesn't have time for you or your problems - that is very mean of her.

I also think you are being emotionally abused in a way. Your H doesn't want you to have any time away from either him or the kids. He expects you to be at his side and he is up your ass all the time. I would also bet he subtly puts you down more often than you even realize. That is abuse, IMO. It also serves to let him keep the upper hand. You are now worried about him keeping your children away from you. How awful. Furthermore, you say he used to hit you like a child when he didn't approve of something. Sweetie, he has beaten you into submission and now that you are standing up for yourself he is scrambling and trying to make you out to be crazy. It is just awful and I'm so sorry for what you are dealing with.

Please do whatever you can to raise your self-esteem. Count the times he insults you or your intelligence. If it were me I would call him on it when he does. Maybe you could say "wow, that was an insult. I don't think I'm that way at all and you should apologize". Maybe, just maybe, he will stop feeling so entitled to being a bully to you.

You sound amazing. You are a great mother, you are breastfeeding and feel strongly about it, you sell things on ebay and make money from it, you make sure your kids have their needs met without much money...I could keep going but you get the point. You are a wonderful woman and worthy of love and appreciation. You are not getting your needs met in this situation and I feel so sad for you.

I'm sending positive thoughts and big hugs that your life moves in a direction that is best for you and your children.