SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

most guys just dont care about a stain in thier underwear, especially if its clean...just ask any guy who "sharts"...they all do, and they will all wear them with those funky ass stains (ass stains lol pun intended)

That being said, it is possible its something else, but his reaction is bizarre. Why the HELL would he tell you he had stain on his underwear if he new it was lipstick...is he "special"?? Most men would chuck those bad boys in the trash so fast, especially if they noticed the stain AFTER you already washed them and he thought "shit a brick, i better put them back into the laundry for her to wash then again" that makes him a dumbass.

He very well could be a dumbass...most WH/WW are!

I agree, forget forensics, i almost doubt you will get any info after all the laundering anyway and wow expensive.

DO NOT SAY ANOTHER WORD ABOUT THIS TO HIM..LET IT GO IMMEDIATLY!!

I say this because ohh how i wish i had read this back in early feb when i found the whores website (read my story) and confronted him, i let him lie..and let myself be gaslighted...instead of buying a 30.00 VAR and putting a damn keylogger on his phone :( That would have solved EVERYTHING!!! I would have had him busted the very next day! He isnt ever going to believe you put a VAR in his car/truck!!! Keyloggers are cheap too!

Please do not engage him, or he may go underground DEEP and stop talking in the car and on his phone..or using puters you have access to....shhhhhhh go in stealth mode!

We are here for you when you find out what you need to find out. In the mean time get your ducks in a row sweety!

I am so sorry you are going through this. It truly sucks.

My suggestion is to look at his cell phone bill, see if you can check his email. place a gps in the car.

Don't confront over little things. Wait until you have evidence.

Take care of yourself and your children. 180 his ass.

What a horrible night. I'm glad I ended it at 8 and went to bed at the same time the babies did.

It was all I had in me to keep quiet. He kept insulting me. These are the type of things that he said to me for not talking to him and being angry:

1. " Its all on me"

2. " How could I do this to him"

3. He doesn't want to be alive anymore.

4. "an apology won't be enough"

5. He got angry that I had make up on when I went to the post office. really? I wear makeup all the time.

6. He keeps warning me that I better be careful. I think he's threatening to take my kids. Thats all it could mean. I love them so much. I don't care if I lose him at this point I already lost him.

There are more things I just can't remember them. Its early and I'm still having my coffee.

In a nutshell he is the victim and I'm torturing him.

I DON'T get this at all. Its so obvious! How in the world can he turn it on me?! What else could it be. Its clearly makeup. Only makeup has that color.

I guess I can try to keep my mouth shut and play the game for my benefit. I know what a GPS is but a VAR? I better look up the acronyms. The problem is that he is always next to me. He is very very on me at all times. I guess I could send him to the store. The cell phone is impossible. It belongs to his boss. He works for a small company with 2 worker and his boss issued the cell phone and has access to the bill. My husband says that his boss looks over the phone bill because he's cheap. IDK though. Its worth a look.

I'm pretty new to the snooping stuff. I've always just let his explainations slide.

BTW he's saying he'll pay for the forensics test.

He is totally acting guilty.

Also, going on the offense and blaming you is a classic WS move. They try to get the attention off of themselves.

1. " Its all on me"

2. " How could I do this to him"

He is panicking. He knows you suspect. He does not want to lose his convenient wife and his extracurricular activities.

3. He doesn't want to be alive anymore.

Waa waa waa. Mine did this too. One night, as he was driving, he called me on the phone and told me he was going to drive his truck into the lake. I said "ok" and hung up on him. He called me back 20 minutes later.... You are not responsible for his behavior.

4. "an apology won't be enough"

No it won't. At this point, he cannot apologize enough for what he has done to you and your family!

5. He got angry that I had make up on when I went to the post office. really? I wear makeup all the time.

Guilt. He is worried that you might be thinking about doing what he already is doing.

6. He keeps warning me that I better be careful. I think he's threatening to take my kids. Thats all it could mean. I love them so much. I don't care if I lose him at this point I already lost him.

That is a threat. I don't like it. Tell him you are going to the store or to visit your family, and go see a lawyer. Many of them have free consultations. Find out your rights and what you need to do before you proceed much further. You do not have to file. Just find out your options.

Also, if he makes you afraid at all, if he is abusive in any way, call a woman's shelter. #6 was a threat. I do not like the tone of that. If he is making you feel your safety or the safety of your children are at risk, call a shelter and find out your options there also. They won't make you leave, they will only inform you of your options.

I'm sorry you are dealing with all this. My WS had the capacity to be abusive. He got really nasty and thew something at me when I confronted him. He told me it was all my fault and I was ruining our relationship. Yuck. I don't miss him.

But I understand you worrying about the kids. That is why you need to see the lawyer to find out what you need to do to make sure if you decide to split the courts treat you well.....

About 6. I don't feel that he would hurt me. If I did, I would call a women's shelter, there are tons of them in CT. I think him telling me to "be careful" basically means, "leave me alone or I'll make your life hell"

Well he's already gone and done that one. Now I have to deal with it.

You know whats really wierd? He's very pushy about the forensic thing. There are at least 2 in CT. I found them and contacted them. He told me he wants me to call them and to hurry up. He actually called me this morning and told me to get on this so he doesnt' have to live like this. I'm really really confused.

Maybe he wants it over, and he wants the forensic scientist to tell me the truth?

I personally would drop this right now. Truly. Lie right to his face and tell him you believe him and you don't need a forensic person and then DROP IT.

I think you know something is going on...all a BS needs is their gut screaming and yours is, you even mentioned a blond hair from awhile ago....that tells me that if you really get honest with yourself and sit down and write out everything you have suspected in the last 10 years that there will be a pattern.

Go silent right now and get smarter! Take some time to look thru all of your finances, go thru all of your bills, get proactiv and find out what is going on in your life around you.

And DO NOT tell him you are doing any of this...sit back and just watch and investigate. I think you have much more to learn.

He actually called me this morning and told me to get on this so he doesnt' have to live like this. I'm really really confused.

He is calling your bluff. What else can he say? If he says "Don't do this, don't call a forensic scientist" you are going to know he is guilty.

I agree with realitybites. Drop it. Your gut is screaming the truth to you, and honestly, I've never seen a case on here where a person's gut instincts were wrong (I'm sure it could happen, I just haven't seen it).

Go into survival mode. Play his game for now. Tell him you are sorry, you realize you were overreacting. Tell him you threw the underwear away and just want to get new ones so you don't have to worry about it anymore. If he has been doing this for years, he is used to you sweeping this stuff under the rug and he expects you to do it again.

Then, take those undies and start hiding them, preferably in a trusted relative's home. Stick any proof you find while you are sleuthing into a small box and keep it until you feel you have enough.

But, keep coming here, because he is going to keep gaslighting and confusing you. You will need the wake up calls from here to keep you on your path.

And the hugs and support don't hurt either ((((hugs))))

A VAR is a voice activated recorder. If you cannot access phone records then it is a good way to get info. Put one in his work truck if you can, or his personal vehicle. Waywards think they are sneaky, but it seems that most of them don't have the sense to get out and away from their vehicle to talk to someone on the phone. They think that their vehicle is a safe harbor.

Yes, I've noticed he HATES with a passion anyone riding in his vehicle, especially me. I wonder why?! Every car/truck he's every had has been his, but mine is ours. Hmmm. I've even checked under the seats. There were a couple times that the seat seemed moved. Like way back.

I will get a VAR. Thats my best bet. I think his boss has him beat to the VAR in the workvan though. His boss is mistrusting of everyone so according to my husband he said his boss told him that they may be recorded at anytime. Unless he was just saying that to me to get me to think that he's covered at work when he's really not.

I have to second guess everything. This really sucks.

I woke up with a good attitude, enough to see the kids off to school but now I'm slowly sliding down that depressed road. I feel sick. Its been 1 1/2 days and my pants, which I slept in, are loose. I'm drinking my water since I'm nursing. I eat those Luna bars so I can get some nurtrients and the coffee, I don't have a choice. I'm up nursing still since I have not started food with my 7 mo old. I've always been an avid breastfeeder.

I confided in my pastors wife through email and she has given me NOTHING still. I get discouraged when I check my inbox because there is nothing there.

No mom to confide in(she's sick) no sisters, one lives far and has her own problems and the other is in her own world and doesn't even have time for her own family.

I'm happy I have this place.

I have 2 ebay accounts. I guess its time to use the less used one and get what I need. I wonder if they will hold it at the post office. Sometimes our mail comes late. I know my mailman though so maybe he'll hold big packages for me.

Just go to radio shack. pay cash. destroy the receipt and packaging once you have verified that it works. mail is too risky; you don't need the stress.

He sounds like an ass. None of his behaviors are your fault.

Personally I find you to be an inspiratiion! You are so much stronger then you think! I had a 5yr old, 3yr old and a 10 month old on DDay. I cannot imagine being a nursing mom and dealing with this crap. You ARE amazing! I know I speak for everyone when I say I am proud of you for how you are handling this.

Yes, be calm and cool. Drop it. Get the VAR and do whatever sort of snooping you can. Can you get access to cell accounts and view calls? A keylogger?

You will be ok. He cannot take your kids. He knows you are an amazing, loving and devoted mom and that is the best way to scare you into backing off. Its a low blow to scare you. It wont work. He cannot take your children from you.

You do have people to talk to-we are all here for you, listening and pulling for you. Stay strong, take care of you and your precious babies. We are all here standing with you!

Thank you Hope. Right before I logged on I burst into tears. My two babies have the runs, really bad. Especially the 2 yo. He is in the bath as I type this.(I can hear and see him) My daughter is playing in her bumbo seat.

I just feel so the opposite of what you describe. I really have no one to fall back on. I just cried out to God, like why? Why now? This is the most horrible I've ever felt. I don't even know what to do next. Part of me just wants to go straight to a lawyer and get this over with, part of me wants to stay and go into denial, I don't want to be away from my kids for a minute. I pictured DH and I growing old together and we were even planning a future of possibly moving down South. We were just planning our vacation the other day and now I can't even think of it. I literally feel sick. I don't think I have any strenth in me.

itsovernow,

I sent you a PM.

Oh sweetie,

I am so sorry. I know how you feel. I found ALL the time white marks in his boxers, I new what it was but he would denie all the time, I felt like I was going crazy, I also found blood stains on the boxers and bottom of his shirts. This went on for nearly 2 years. I could not understand how you could be so sloppy and did not care that I would see them, so what he would do is get mad at me and make fun of me for looking in his boxers and the bottom of his shirts. I know that they are cum stains. I am not stupid. It was sick and nasty. I could not believe it but he also acted like your wh. Please listen to everyone here, I outed him everytime and we always got in a HUGE fight about it and it was always my fault. They become someone you do not know and the words that come out of their mouths is evil and you can not believe what they say. If you gut says it is lipstick then it most likely is. Look for other things also, if he is in an affair then it will come to the surface without you really looking, if it was a one time thing it will also come out but not when you want it to. They become great at lying and denying, they try to look better then you and that you are the crazy one, know that you are not, and this is how any normal person would think.

I am so sorry for you because I know what it is like as we all do. Stay strong and take the advice of others here, if I would have done things differently in my sit, I don't think it would have lasted as long as it did.

I so understand and relate to you having to deal with being a caring mommy and dealing with the intense emotional turmoil. Post here, dont let the tension build up inside of you. My youngest has had a sick tummy lately too. Do the best you can. Focus on them. Be strong for them. I found after dday my children and my role as mom saved me. Its so hard to wrap your mind around everything that is going on. I know you do not feel like and inspiration right now, or strong. But you ARE. This situation is so stressful and devasting to everyone that encounters it, but not everyone has small children and is a nursing mom. Be proud of being strong for your babies. I am proud of you.

Do not let this man scare you or make you feel less then your worth. You are amazing and you do not deserve this shit!!! You do not have to make any decisions right now-not at all-take your time. Be gentle with yourself. Wait to put it together. You are not crazy, but a wh will try to make you feel that you are. He wants you to get on the phone asap to get the underwear analyzed-then do it. Call his bluff, maybe he thinks simply suggesting it is enough to get him off the hook. Trust your gut as it is always correct-boy did I learn that!

biggest thing is take it a moment at a time, breathe, eat, drink water, and love those babies. Know you are a great mom and person and you are above being treated like shit. You are worth so much more.

I know this is so hard to ask but do you do anything at all outside of the house? Maybe sign up for an exercise class that will have babysitting? Or a mommies group somewhere that you can get some support and get outside of the house. I think trying to raise 3 small children right now without any outside help leaves you feeling helpless. And way too dependent upon your WS.

It starts with babysteps and being able to find yourself again.

I don't do anything outside the house. There is no money from our joint account to spend on anything but groceries, mortgage and bills, according to dh and the small amount I make on ebay, I use on my children's clothes, which I buy second hand.

The loser rarely buys anything they need. He gets diapers and occasionally wipes, but half the time I end up having to use wetted down paper towels. We have a Discover card now and I'm using that to pay for the forensic test. My 2 year old was so "burned" from the acidy poop and I had to insist to dh that he get the best diaper cream out there. He had been having me use this really bad purfumed brand. Its like everything is a struggle. I have always felt like a second class citizen here.

I'm a complete embarrassment. I have raggedy clothes that are either stained with grease or some other unknown substance. I try, but all my clothes are second hand when I can even swing that.

itsovernow,

Sweetie, can you somehow start to take care of yourself. I know how hard it can be when you are the caregiver to EVERYONE including nursing. I know I felt a mess through out my breastfeeding years. I always felt "stained" either with breast milk, baby spit...you know.

You said you are an EBAYer, can you ebay some clothes lots in your size.

I buy second clothes by choice from a consignment shop in my area. I also turn in clothes there so I almost always have a credit to continue shopping.

Go into survival mode for you! Try to pull yourself together as much as possible. You are a strong women wether you know or not. You found SI, right? You are reaching out for help. I hope SI can at least provide support for you emotionally.

I've been having a lot of drama involving my sister, brother in law and mother. My mom has had 5 strokes in the past 20 or so years. This last one happened in Feb, she has been in a rehab place since the end of Feb and my sister(older) is angry at me because I won't 1. be conservator and 2. agree that my mom who just turned 70, should go in an assisted living facility for the rest of her life. She just called me screaming at me that she is starting to get billed and that I also need to get rid of my moms cats. My sister often calls me with demands and tasks. She feels that I'm underneathe her. She also had her husband call me today with "tasks" I couldn't control myself. I blurted out that my husband is cheating on me. My sister said she couldn't talk now because she is in a clients driveway and my brother in law, who has known me since I was 6, said that I need to just stay and be the best wife I can be and that I need my husband and he needs me. Oh and I shouldn't jump to conclusions.

I can't believe I blurted it out to both of them. I guess I was grasping. In the midst of my sister screaming at me, I just blurted out that my husband was having an affair. When her husband called me, he was so mild mannered and thought he would talk to me, he just said what I said before, just be a good wife, work it out, you need to.

When did my sister forget she had a heart. This is the one who only cares about money and things. When did she forget that her family may be hurting and its all good to be a counselor to others but if you cannot help your own family, what good are you?

My BIL seemed shocked. Maybe thats why he responded like that.

I've never been on my own, I married at 16. My BIL doesn't think I can be on my own and he is probably scared of the same thing I am, my dh will get the kids.

Maybe he's right? I can't bear not seeing my kids or losing custody of them. I love them so much. Do I stay with the cheater for them? Do I play it off? Oh , Gosh I can't believe I'm thinking like this.

Oh Dear Lord, please help me. Please.