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My BS posted asking others opinions about whether he should believe me when I say I never took the AP to our bed. Most of the responses were that he shouldn't believe me. I'm a little shocked. I was so adamant about not going there. That was part of the separation between my BH and AP. I was wondering if other WS avoided too, or if I'm crazy?

Dr. Glass's book Not Just Friends had an example w/ the WS/AP avoiding the marriage bed.

The responses shouldn't be surprising. The vast array of experiences here on SI continually reinforces that WS's lie. Not saying you are, but you should know that you have an uphill battle ahead of you.

I remember my BW scoffing at me when I said I never had sex or kissed any other woman since I met her. It hurt that she didn't believe me.

It will take a while for your actions to gain you back some amount of trust from your BH.

Your credibility is shot as a WS. It takes a long time to build trust again.

I lied about taking OM into our marital bed. I think it is a common lie.

My H purposed to not have sex with other in our home as well. He too separated his BW and his APs. My H confessed years later, he did not have to, I would have never had proof, so I believe this is true. Also his reaction when I asked him this was amazing, I have never seen him so taken back, he truly could not fathom that I could think he could/would do such a thing (I think he was even a little hurt to realize I would think this).

So, yes this is very possible.

Yet, it is also understandable why/how it would be difficult if not nearly impossible for some to believe though. I mean my H had sex with a large number of others during our M, put my health at serious risk, lied for decades, treated me horribly, blameshifted, projected, gaslighted, and more, but he did have (by his line of reasoning) morals and lines that he did not cross and he does take some pride I would suppose that he did not cross those lines or violate those morals, thus his supprise I would ask this.

Grace

I so agree with you. I did not even consider taking the OM to our marraige bed. The thought never crossed my mind.

BS here.

Well, how do i put this gracefully, I don't want to sound like vengeful.

I'm sure there was plenty of lying going on about your affair. Just the fact you had an affair meant your BODY was no longer held sacred for your BS alone, but shared with another man.

Why wouldn't he wonder if something inanimate like a bed would be an issue to you.

My WH slept with high $$ escorts in hotels. There were PLENTY of nights he was home alone. Having a teenage son and a wife who worked nights, meant a lot of time alone as DS stays at friends homes a lot.

He could easily have saved the 100.00 plus dollars on the hotel room and just had the girl come to our home.

You betcha I asked him. He denies it. I'd still like to get rid of that bed just because he slept in it after being with her without showering.

Cheating and having an affair is the "ultimate" betrayal of trust that is normally considered several magnitudes greater betrayal than simply lying.

From that perspective, a BS is not going to be convinced a WS isn't lying when they are confronted with the fact they cheated and betrayed their trust in such a massive, larger fashion.

I wish you luck restoring trust with your BS! Perhaps some day truth to your BS will eventually be accepted and the trust will be back in your relationship!

YM,

It breaks my heart to hear situations like this. Sucks, doesn't it? It's just one of the side effects of infidelity. My WW brought her AP to our house once that I know of. She swears nothing happened in our house. I want to believe her, but my imagination isn't as noble as my love for her, and it's in control of my thought processes a lot more. You've just created a catch-22, how do you trust when a cheater is telling you the truth? The fact is only one of you will ever know the truth, and it isn't your BH. That's just the reality for any question he has.

Not meant to be a sermon, I can see how it's got to be a great burden for the WS to be the only one with the truth, and knowing that it might not be believed because they have lied in the past.

In the end, sometimes the BS just has to accept the story, whether or not they believe it.

Young, don't get wrapped up in right or wrong. Speak the truth and then offer to help how you can like offer the suggestion of getting a new bed. As a wayward the last thing we can do is try to prove we are honest. So, don't waste your energy there.

You will need that energy to heal yourself and your BS. Focus on fixing yourself and supporting your BS. That is the best thing you can do IMO. Good luck

As a wayward the last thing we can do is try to prove we are honest. So, don't waste your energy there.

tough pill to swallow .

Thanks for the answers. I wasn't shocked because of their lack of trust, it was the idea that I "HAD" to have taken him to the mb. That there was no chance that I didn't.

As a BS, to me it does not matter "where" my wife had sex, it is simply that she chose "to" have sex with someone other than her husband of 20 years, let me say that again, 20 years, all the while lying and decieving me while doing it.

Don't confuse the issue. The issue is about decieving and betraying the one person you are supposed to love and protect at all costs, as well as the BS, who believs that you were doing so.

The rest is more or less semantics.

As an analogy, lets say your car is stolen, your only car. Does it matter what color it is? Or if it was inherited by you? Or if it was your dream car that you worked your whole life to obtain? In the end, the answer is no. You are missing your only car, and it was taken from you without your knowledge or consent. It does not matter if it was in your garage, or on the street. It is now simply GONE!

SO IS THE TRUST OF THE BS, it is simply GONE!

Trust is earned, NOT given! That is the nature of trust.

WH swears he never brought MOW to our house. As she lives an hour away and they met in the middle I tend to believe him. I don't know why she knows where we live though...and he says she does. That doesn't make sense.

We do have his bed from before we moved in together. Its in my 10DSs room...I want it gone because he did have sex with her in it. If we bicker I will sometimes tell him he is sleeping in DSs room - jokingly because there has only been one night we slept apart. He once told me I could sleep there with DS and I let him know I will NEVER sleep in that bed. He figured it out.

I wonder about the bed too. I know OW was in our house

That's almost as big of a betrayal as the A.

This is OUR home. The safe place for OUR family. I hate that OW has seen any part of it.

I don't know what I believe about the bed. I know that I've thrown away all the sheets from during the A. H says he never took her to our bed.

He can say it, but I will always wonder. Even though now he seems to be honest with me in his answers.

I never had OM in my marital bed. let alone in my home. In fact, he didn't even enter the state during our affair. We always met in hotels. There was some chat about him wanting to come to my house, but I didn't want that for a variety of reasons. When BH saw the exchange about it on FB he got really stuck there. He is convinced that I "would have" had him to the house. I'm not even sure what sense that makes since I didn't. But for some reason he prefers to think that there were intentions or plans or whatever that there were not. I'm glad OM never came to my home. Its an area of my life that is not tarnished by him having been there and I have no images or memories of him being in my family's space. There was once conversation about him wanting to come up and see me (he lives several hundred miles away and travels to my region for business every-other week, but still is nearly 3 hours away when he does) and that convo involved getting a local hotel room rather than having him to my home. Still, BH doesn't believe me, even though that information is in print.

Mind you......BH had a RA and drive 14 hours to go see his AP......sigh.

Flatlined123...

This thread is not for BS's to vent on.

Please post respectfully in this forum.

Thank you.

My ONS was in OM's car, which just made it that much cheaper and disgusting. I am glad it wasn't in our bed. If it was, I would've gotten rid of it before BH/WH even asked. I'm sure of that because after I found out about him in bed with OW, I made him get rid of it. The thought hadn't occurred to him.

I think there is something sacred about the MB, especially since that is where a BS lies awake at night thinking of these things. As a WS, I'd probably lie awake and think about it too, but I'm the type to lie awake and freak about this stuff. My BH/WH just falls right asleep, LOL.

As a wayward the last thing we can do is try to prove we are honest. So, don't waste your energy there.

tough pill to swallow .

NEM, choked on it many times before I got it, but surrendering somethings like that has made a big difference for me, it allows me to hear and see from a different perspective.

YoungM, a great book called Act with Love was suggested to me and it was a great help and the communication and understanding "Style" would address this exact issue. In the book it talks of workability rather than right or wrong. How important is it to be right? Answer the detailed questions honestly and he will have to do with them what he wants, you can only control yourself. Focus on what truly needs focus. You repairing yourself and helping him as best you can.

[This message edited by hardlessons at 11:30 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

tough pill to swallow

indeed it is..but, like HL said, surrendering certain things will help you in the long run.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 11:31 AM, July 10th (Tuesday)]

YM83- Have you considered getting a new bed?

If the "Marital Bed" issue is one your BS isn't willing to forgo, perhaps you can both meet in the middle and agree to just get a new bed?

In a way, make it symbolic of your efforts at R... starting over fresh, with the new scenery as well?