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At MC last week my FWH said that the reason he went to a strip club a couple of months ago (lied about it and paid $220 to have private lap dance in back room, which is why we are back in MC) is that it is a safe place. He said that you are not going to walk out of that place with a woman, unlike what could happen if you go to a bar.

Am I wrong to be hurt that he is that worried about picking up a girl at a bar, that a strip club is his only other option? How about just going home. (I was out of town)

I think our marriage is in a lot more trouble than what he thinks, if that is something he worries about. How can you say you love me if you even consider that!!

Am I staying with a lost cause?

What did the MC say to that?

You are not wrong to be hurt and worried.

(((InShock2010)))

He said it at the end of the session, and she was trying to get him to open up about his feelings, so I didn't want to interrupt. He barely talks, so this was kind of a break through for the MC. I definitely plan on bringing it up next session. I guess it just really hurt my feelings...I could feel myself tearing up as he was saying it. I'm scared we aren't going to make it.

Call me crazy but getting a lap dance would definitely NOT make me feel safe as a BS.

How many WSs had a stripper as their OP??? I am glad you brought him back to MC. His way of thinking is definitely strange.

He said that you are not going to walk out of that place with a woman, unlike what could happen if you go to a bar.

Well honey, for $220.00, I'm guessing he got all he needed right there in the VIP room...no 'need' to pick someone up in a bar. But, my H did all that, and still went home with the stripper. Even brought me back her nasty STD as a souvenir! Nice, huh?

He said that you are not going to walk out of that place with a woman, unlike what could happen if you go to a bar.

This is NOT how a married man should be thinking!! If my WH said this or even went to a strip club, that would be the deal breaker for me!

Doesn't seem like he has much respect for you or maybe even women in general.

You have every reason to be hurt!!

Honey- what PPGA said!

$220 would buy plenty in the back room- lap dances $10-25 each, or a lump sum time in the VIP room, uninterrupted

by the bouncer...

What makes flirting with a woman, having her take her clothes off and rub all over, and for that price, there would be touching involved and likely kissing, both directions. any less cheating than if he took a bar whore out to the car, had her take her clothes off for a sexual session? The exchange of MONEY only gives him the option to leave her there after he's through getting what he wants.

Like pain and any others like us whose OW were strippers- we know it's still cheating. Anything goes in the back, if that's what you pay for, despite the signs on the wall that say no touching!

And so many people try to blow it off to you- like "it's just a stripper. It's not like it was an affair!" And obviously, your husband and many others buy into that philosophy.

You better believe that if he stacked multiple dances or bought VIP time, he and a stripper have likely exchanged numbers, because she's not going to let a big moneymaker for her get away without the connection. Next step, she's calling him (check your phone records) to let him know when she's going to be in. She wants to see guys like him, with $$$, before she will settle for the young guy who only buys a dance or two. PM me if you have any questions.

Betrayal is betrayal. Sex outside the marriage is still cheating, even IF he "doesn't go all the way."

He said that you are not going to walk out of that place with a woman, unlike what could happen if you go to a bar.

Aggressively naked women are a regular thing on the bar scene now, eh? I thought going to a bar meant going there with a buddy and bickering about the Eagles or the benefits of a roku box over streaming netflix on the wii with increasing enthusiasm relative to the volume of alcohol ingested. I guess I went to the wrong bars.

Oh honey...he is so full of it. A strip club is not safe...you can get exactly the same thing you can get from a woman at a bar...you just have to pay for it. And the amount of money he paid...I'm afraid he got it.

(((hugs)))

He said that he got about 7 lap dances for that money and that there was no touching. He said he just lost track of the time and that is why he spent so much. He said strip clubs don't allow touching and that he didn't even get turned on! He told me that I am over reacting because a lot of men do this and it isn't that bad.

He said that you are not going to walk out of that place with a woman, unlike what could happen if you go to a bar.

No, he will most likely be walking out with a prostitute...

Total BS IMO

He said strip clubs don't allow touching

Lie! You'd be surprise what a strip club allows if the money is right!

and that he didn't even get turned on!

And yet he kept throwing money at a stripper who didn't even turn him on. Lie!

He told me that I am over reacting because a lot of men do this and it isn't that bad.

I don't care if Jesus himself went to strip clubs...if you, his wife, aren't comfortable with it...that is all that matters!!

And seriously, why is it not okay to have some strange twat rubbed all over you, danced in front of you, and get your engine running...but as soon as you give the strange twat money to do it...it's okay!

[This message edited by coastofsomewhere at 10:50 AM, July 20th (Friday)]

I have to say that I agree with the previous posters that the amount of money for a lap dance doesn't seem right. Also, lap dances usually take place in a more private part of the open club. The VIP rooms are for more than lap dances. Doesn't add up IMO.

Sorry you are going through this.

My question is: why would he be thinking "if I go to a bar I might walk wout with a woman". THAT is the problem.

If I were to go to a bar it wouldn't cross my mind that I would possibly leave with a woman. Never. Because a respectful and faithful man isn't thinking about such an event.

Your H doesn't have his head out of his butt yet and doesn't get the concepts he needs to have to properly R.

He told me that I am over reacting because a lot of men do this and it isn't that bad.

My XH told me this when he would go to strip clubs with the guys during our marriage. He said the same thing when he confessed to prostitutes. Oh, right, he said the same thing when he got caught in an affair.

During my marriage his excuses and reasoning's did not sit well with me, but I let it go because he made he feel like he wasn't doing anything wrong and all guys did it. He is right, all the guys did it because he surrounded himself with people who accepted that kind of behavior.

Your FWH has riddled his story with lame excuses to get you to believe he did nothing wrong. He is manipulating you into believing there are only 2 choices...strip club where it is "safe" () or a bar, which he can leave with another woman. Seriously? How about option 3, your marriage.

I am sorry you are having to go through this pain.

[This message edited by LisaP at 1:51 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

I want to thank everybody for the advice and support. I know it is crazy, but sometimes when he is saying these things I doubt myself and think "Am I overreacting?" It's good to have someone say "No!". We have some friends that don't have a problem with it, the wives just laugh it off and say as long as their paycheck gets deposited every week they don't care! But I have tried to explain to my husband that since he had sex with a stripper early in our marriage, I'm not comfortable with it.

1985 That is exactly what I was thinking! If you want to take a woman home from a bar then why are we married? I feel like he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

I really wonder if he really believes what he is saying himself...is this what helps him sleep at night.

I asked him in counseling why we don't just separate and he can take home all the women he wants. He gets upset and says that isn't what he wants, he just wants me, he doesn't need to go to strip clubs. Notice he didn't say he doesn't want to go to strip clubs.

[This message edited by InShock2010 at 2:12 PM, July 20th (Friday)]

PM me the name of the club and the city,and I'll check it out and let you know what kind of 'extras' are available in the VIP room.

Sorry hon, but he is bullshitting you.

It's not safe for him if it affects the level of trust and respect you have for him.

I would never permit a strip club in my marriage. Your H is lying right to your face. If you aren't okay with a strip club experience being part of your marriage, you have every right to say so.

I really wonder if he really believes what he is saying himself...

(((IS2010)))

I don't think so.

I think he's hoping that you're gullible enough to buy it, just like mine was hoping.

My H said the same thing, verbatim...."there is no touching allowed", "cool wives are ok with it", safer than a regular bar", blah,blah,blah.

Needless to say, such was not the case in our situation.

He found 2 strippers that offered extras for the right price in clubs that swear up and down that "those things don't happen in here".