SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If it bothers YOU then it is a problem! if he's sincere in wanting R with you, then if this is a deal breaker - it is a deal breaker - no if ands or buts.

And I call bull on the whole "I didn't get turned on"

Its actually laughable! But definitely not funny! No dude goes to a strip club and spends that kind of $$ or time so just sit there... He went there for a reason... Got it and left...

Edited to add:

PM me if this club is Canadian - I have quite the past and can help ;)

[This message edited by broken <3 at 1:30 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]

In my experience MANY of the SA husbands in recovery, mine included, used these same excuses to justify strip clubs. They tell themselves that they are LEGAL so must be ok, it is ADULT entertainment, blah. They know better now.

And, in a way, to an addict they see it as less "bad" than a full blown affair, much like an alcoholic says, it is only a BEER...

It is cheating. no question. He is gaslighting you even if it was "just" slimey lap dances.

[This message edited by scaredyKat at 5:22 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]

((InShock2010))

No, you are not wrong to be hurt!

I would be asking why your H needed to be at a bar or a strip club?? I understand that you were out of town but there are so many other options for entertainment...

Why does he not trust himself enough to go to a bar and leave alone?? This is bizarre thinking if you ask me.

My husband got a lap dance that has cost him his wife.

His stripper has depleted everything in our lives. She has been in both homes. She has slept in my bed. She's had him going out of his mind (yes, literally) for the past 8 or 9 months. She's stripped him of his self respect. She's stripped him of his pride. She's stripped my fucking soul. She may as well have stripped my fucking skin off too.

Good luck, you need it dahlin.

[This message edited by wifehad5 at 9:34 AM, July 21st (Saturday)]

Reminder far all, there is no namecalling or venting about the OP in the Reconciliation forum.

Thank you

Lots of guys do this. Yes they do. And lots of them don’t have wives or girlfriends that they might be betraying when they go to a club, so no harm no foul. And some guys have wives or girlfriends that don’t mind them going. But you have a unfaithful husband who is going to a place that allows fantasy, erotic behavior, and probable contact when you are NOT OK with it, justifiably so. And it’s better than a bar because some amateur hussy might throw herself on him and force him to drive her to a hotel, disrobe, and have her nasty way with him, all without his permission? Oh pleeze!

Strip clubs don’t allow touching. BS. His EA stripper M took off her top and rubbed her nipples against his face. She ground her pelvis into his upturned hand. She evidently had an organism at one point, and at another, told him that strippers had fantasies about certain clients just like clients had fantasies about the girls at the club.

Yeah, that makes me feel SO much better that he had a several year EA with a stripper, paying her from OUR hard-earned cash to arouse him, while I sat at home being sexually denied, and scrimping to make ends meet. Geeze, he and everyone other WH like hime should have gotten the Medal of Freedom for SUCH sacrifice!

The only reason you don't leave a strip club with a woman is because you have already had the sex - no need to bring her anywhere. My H got a bj from a stripper - at least that's what he admits to. He told me the other day he thought maybe someday when our kids are gone, we should provide a home for sex trade workers - Ummm, NO!!!

ScaredyKat is right. Just because a strip club is a legal establishment, does not make what is done in the back legal. It's how strippers make their money.

I've learned too much BS about how these places work because of my own situation.

I learned that the whole business model is different than it was 15 or 20 years back, when a stripper was paid by the club to dance on stage. Now, most strippers pay the club to work there, as well as tipping out the staff, so they make their money by what is done in the lap dance area or VIP. The stage dance is advertisement and the money slipped in the g-string says I'm interested- come to my table- I'm interested in going to the back with you.

Google strip club reviews in your area if you want to research this further, but my advice is to let your husband know that you need the truth in order to move on in your reconciliation.

Went to MC over the weekend and talked about the whole stripper incident. Our MC told me that with the industry that my husband works in, high level job in an industrial construction company, that it is unrealistic to think that he will be able to never enter into a strip club. Clients want to be taken there and he can't tell them no. She said the problem is when he lies about it or goes by himself. She said I should lay down certain ground rules, the biggest one being no more lying about it, and trust him to go. I said that he can never go in one alone again, he can never go into the back room again, no lap dances in the front, and no cash withdrawals, everything must be paid with debit card and receipt. I was also told that I need to realize that he is going to do what he wants to do, and I need to let him, as long as it's not cheating. If I stop being so controlling and trying to pull him back to me, he will be more likely to gravitate to me on his own.

After this from the MC, my husband completely perked up. He seemed so happy and animated. It is the most I have heard him talk in counseling.

I just sat there trying not to cry. He looked at me and asked what was wrong, didn't I get what the MC said. I said "Sure...you get to do whatever you want to do and I have to accept it, and you get to go to strip clubs as long as you tell me about it! What's not to get?" He was upset that I put it like that.

The MC said that she knows this seems wrong, but to just try it for a while and see how it works. She said that we would talk about my hurt in the next session.

PS: Porn is something all men look at and I need to get over that too and stop trying to control what he watches.

PPS: Do I sound bitter? I'm trying not to be bitter...maybe she is right and this will work, but it seems pretty unfair.

The only possible thing I can come up with, is that she is trying to show you he will only do what he wants, without regard to your feelings. Is that ok with you?

The rest of it is such an utter load of crap that I have no more words.

Good Lord.

Your MC seems to have no understanding of the issues and furthermore I would say that your MC advice it influenced by their own personal values and opinions which IMO does not serve the needs of the clients.

I am sure your H perked up. That is exactly what he wanted to hear. Like the Good Housekeeping stamp of approval.

It doesn't matter what MC thinks is ok. What matters is what you can live with.

He said that you are not going to walk out of that place with a woman, unlike what could happen if you go to a bar.

Why not go home, throw in a porno (if that is OK w/ YOU) and come to a happy place without the 3D version?

I am sorry!

I wasn't going to say any more on the subject, but I couldn't let this go! Your MC sounds like they don't know what is going on in a strip club. It's not Burlesque. It's not like Demi Moore's version. That's dated and watered down.

If you're ok with this, you must do what is right by your marriage. My H has been completely honest in the goings on, and everything I have read in reviews and discussed with him has given me a pretty good insight into the business.

NO. You do not have to "allow" your husband to go to strip clubs. In my H's business, as a high level exec, he did NOT have to take his clients there. He also knows that if he ever sets foot in a club again, there will be no discussion. Our marriage will be over.

And even if you say, no lap dances and he agrees, you (and your wacky MC) should know that it is commonplace for the girls to leave the stage (in their g-string) and do not always put a top back on before trolling the tables for customers. They WILL lean on guys. They WILL sit on their laps. They WILL rub their legs on the guys sitting "watching the show". And they WILL touch them provocatively.

So InShock, you really need to define your marital boundaries armed with as much knowledge as you can get on the subject. I WAS that wife that "allowed" or "accepted" strip clubs, thinking they were different than they are. I do not know if it is acceptable for you and your husband to know that he is in an environment where it is a GIVEN that he will be flirted with and hit on, and enticed to get dances and more. That is their JOB, not the sleazy twirl around a pole for a few dollars...

Ask any man who has been in a strip club if he is left alone to sit at his table and quietly watch the show, without someone selling something approach him.

Oh. My.

RUN FROM THE MC!!!

She's an enabler.

So are the wives who let their husbands go to strip clubs.

Your husband has no chance for R if he has all these people backing up what he did . . . its exactly what he wants to hear to justify his behavior.

Stop worrying about your WH and start taking care of yourself! This situation is insane. Consider the situation a wake up call. Sorry InShock

Ohhh honey I am sooo sorry... Your marriage is not in a healthy R right now. Unless you both have an open marriage?? JMO..

Look fine tell him he an go too as many strip clubs as he wants and pack his bags and hand them over to him. Yep that is what I would do. Look I am not in the least a prude and I love to look at all other bodies I think people are beautiful but paying for a lap dance spending $225 REALLY!! OMG!! He got more then a lap dance and I have never been in a bar that has dancers of any kind man or female. Wouldn't mind going but my spouse is against it period says that is not a place for a married man or married woman. He is the FWS so that is his take..

I say each their own in their marriage not my marriage without me... But my spouse says no period.

Find your boundaries draw them in the sand and say look you pass this line and there is no ifs no ands it is Over if you cross that line.

You can't undue what he has done just your reaction to it.

I for one would be looking for a new marriage counselor.. I know my lady would be all over that one in a heartbeat.

Maybe he doesn't see this as cheating? Seriously! Don't slap me people. But some people don't see going to a strip club and getting on there as cheating. It is like therapy shopping for woman.. I am serious this is how these people think sometimes. Find out if he would be comfortable with you going to a strip club and you going to a private room and spending $225 on a man lap dancer. I hate to say it but I would do it myself I would be soooo honkin mad if my spouse threw this into the works...

Geeze a Pete really??? I am soooo sorry you get this to deal with too now... I hope you get the truth from him..

You need a new MC. He had sex with a stripper early in your marriage. How dare she tell you to just accept that he "has to" go to strip clubs for his job. That is complete and utter bullshit.

My sister is 18 years younger than me,and more than a little wild. She has many friends who are strippers. Ive met a few of them. I spent the day shopping with my sister and 3 of her stripper friends. I got quite the education in Stripper 101. First,a lap dance is done on the floor,not in a private room. Private rooms are for sex. Plain and simple. Either full on sex,or oral sex. Mutual oral sex. basically,anything the stripper wants to do,and the man has the money for,anything goes. ANYTHING. And 2 of the strippers I spoke to work at a "respectable" club,not a seedy hole in the wall.

Your husband is full of shit. He did NOT get a lap dance in the back room. And if he did..then neither of them had their pants on.

Take painpaingoaway's offer and Pm her the name of the club. She'll tell you what goes on in the private rooms.

Our MC told me that with the industry that my husband works in, high level job in an industrial construction company, that it is unrealistic to think that he will be able to never enter into a strip club. Clients want to be taken there and he can't tell them no.

I almost cried when I read your follow-up post. What does the MC think he's going to do at strip clubs? "Only" spend the evening in the company of naked women without his wife present?

Yes, he can tell his clients no. It's called setting boundaries. Would her reaction be the same, I wonder, if he were horrified and disgusted by strip clubs and didn't want to go in them? Would she still say he had to cross his boundaries for the sake of the clients?

Why should your boundaries be any less valid?

It sounds like he lit up and then was upset when he realized that you weren't going to just quietly be happy about his little fantasy. In other words, he didn't put himself in your shoes. And he needs to. In a quieter moment, do you think you can ask him to put himself in your shoes and try to empathize with your feelings? Your feelings are important.

I am a lawyer. In the olden days (the 80s and earlier) some corporate clients wanted to be taken to a strip bar. That has long since passed and no one even mentions that now -- because the rules have changed.

Perhaps the construction industry has not evolved there yet _ I don't have knowledge on that subject.

I know this however. If I had cheated and gotten caught and then gone to a strip bar and behaved as your H just did -- I would agree to whatever it took to make my W feel safe. Including that I would not go to a strip bar with a client. I believe customers/clients in today's world will respect individual boundaries on subjects like this if they are told simply "I have an understanding with my W that I won't go in strip bars. Love to take you for a drink/dinner at a restaurant or regular bar but I can't do the strip one."

I think your MC was way off base in what she said. Especially with your H sitting there. Just like one parent undermining the other with kids on a discipline matter. Tell him you don't care what the MC says. You know what you need to stay safe and if he wants to R he better respect thaose rules and live up to them.

I think your MC is completely wrong, but regardless, one thing she is right about is that you can't stop him from going. What you can tell him aAND your MC is that while he is free to do so, YOU are also free to say that you will not be in a relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to do this. YOU are in complete control of your own boundaries and requirements for your relationship.