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The WW is still in heavy fog.

I have sent everything in for my attorney. They have stated I can likely sign the dissolution petition on Thursday, file it on Friday so the WW can be served within days.

I have warned her, this is the end. She says : Go ahead, do it.

She has been in what i have thought was heavy fog but I've begun to sense that she is sick. I mean mental health wise. What do you do when your spouse is a sociopath and is making really bad choices. This is not stopping me. But I do worry about my kids.

I have been begging with her to get IC. I send her material to read - she will not go and will not even read. Her mom is in her ear constantly - the woman who encouraged her to have the affair and keep quiet about it. I worry her mother is manipulating her and feeding the sick thinking.

I feel helpless. Sigh.

Am I moving this D to fast? Should I just wait on signing and serving? what is a reasonable time period?

Im certain she has broken NC on a nightly basis with texting.

Here is the only important question to ask...are you Done? Where she and your M are concerned are you Done?

You will never be able to change her or fix her. She is broken beyond broken, and unless she checks into an inpatient treatment center for a year, AND finds Jesus, she's not going to change. Ever. You are not going too fast, in fact, the best thing you can do for someone like her is RUN.

Dude, you are where I was 9 months ago...she is NOT GOING TO CHANGE.

I went through 5 "I want back...no I don't" periods ranging from 2 days to a couple weeks, and I'm still divorced. My insane xMIL was in her ear all the time, extolling this fucking OM (who works about 15 hours a week and makes a fifth of what I make) and telling xWW that the affair is my fault...sounds like yours is too. She (my xWW, and from the sound of it, yours too) is broken in the head. You are not moving too fast. If anything, you are moving too slowly.

Trust me, I understand your worry about your children. I feel the same thing. I hate to sound cold about this, but children are resilient. You be the best father you can be, and let her be their mother. Document everything if she isn't, so you can, if you have to, take them away from her until she can be a good mother. But you need to go, and I hope you do it without the trauma I put myself through "for the kids"

Wow...her mother sounds like a piece of work. WTH is wrong with people???

You can't fix crazy people. Don't even try. Just get the hell away and let her self-destruct.

At this point in time, she wants a divorce. She is very clear on what she wants. Her words match her actions.

The question is, do you want to get off the crazy train? You're twisting yourself up in knots and spiraling downward. If you really believe that she's psychotic, why are you trying so hard to hold onto her? Why are you letting her drive this train?

Please don't let your guilt or whatever gives you pause prevent you from moving forward. I made the mistake of pausing on a few occasions that I lived to regret. Please move in the direction your gut tells you. Listen to it and MOVE.

As for the Sociopath Dx --that is heavy. Are you sure she is sociopathic. I mean what are her symptoms. If she truly is a sociopath then you do need to request the court do a psych eval on her and be prepared to give examples of what. Also, everyone told me DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. I was like yeah yeah...we'll be able to settle out of court. Didn't happen and I wished I had better documentation now. I'll get by but it would have been easier if I had listened to the voices of reason and experience! Listen!

She physically attacked me 8/2011, which is when I moved out. Little did I know she was 5 months into a EA/PA already. She hid it that well. The emails I read 5 weeks ago clearly stated that she (WW) had confided in her mom (MIL) and she would help 'cover' for her. Mom also advised her to keep her mouth shut. What the hell kind of advice is that? mOM turns out (info form BW) is in MC with his BW and sleeping with her still at home. MIL knows OM is mOM....wtf....

As for being 100% sure, thats what I have been seeking - is some advice- have I not given enough time for withdrawl period? Have I been so crazy and emotional that I shitcan the marriage before I am sure it cant be fixed?

Im 41. I'm still in love with my WW. I don't want to blow up my family. But, my gut tells me that I have to move this D along in order to reach her. I will sign it, and I will file.

Its so painful and I have so little support structure behind me. You guys, my intern IC, and thats really about it. My parents died last year withing 3 months of each other (same time period A was really taking off). This and the non-remorseful physical attack is sociopathic behavior I speak of. She seems to care nothing about me - NOTHING. And thats what i mean, how could she be this way and be willing to throw it all away?

So hurt and depressed.

[This message edited by kchip at 4:08 AM, August 20th (Monday)]

Not sure I understand. She attacked you in 8/11, so you moved out. Then you discovered her affair in 7/12? Sounds like this may have been over for a while?

I tried for the better part of a year. I think only the smart ones change. My WW didn't change either. Money changed her. She's now a callous person that can be by herself and her job. I know the only karma I will get one day is if she loses her job or she herself gets cheated on and treated poorly by some guy.

My in-laws justified her affair as well. Blood is thicker than water so just expect it. I did so much for my in-laws and after DDay they barely spoke one word to me. I can't imagine what she told them...oh yeah I know...that her A was my fault! Once they accepted her excuses she immediately turned on me virtually overnight. In your case I know you love her. I know you love your family. But she loves herself more right now and there isn't anything you can do but surrender. The more you hold onto the rope, the tighter it gets around your family's neck. It's a very helpless feeling i know but you have to find a way to let go. I'm 18 months out and it still is crippling. I'm still lost everyday. Yes it's lonely and confusing. But surrendering to the situation is the only way you will feel somewhat better. Once you do that you will begin to sleep again. Do what you have to do and keep as busy as humanly possible. It's the only way to get through it. BTW...sometimes it's not a fog. It's just the real person they truly are inside coming out. Maybe like mine she's been an actress for a long time and you never knew it.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 7:42 AM, August 20th (Monday)]

kcip,

I'm still in love with my WW. I don't want to blow up my family. But, my gut tells me that I have to move this D along in order to reach her.

Divorce because it is the best thing for you and your children, not as a ploy to change your WW.

After dday I realized my FWW had some personality traits that she needed to address if we were ever going to have any hope. I understand the reluctance to leave a long term spouse who is (mentally) ill, but there is nothing you can do for her. Make your decision based on what is good for you and your children. I decided that I would stay so long as FWW was attending her IC reguarly and improving. After more than a year she is a very different person. She is much better, our M is still struggling.

Until your WW owns her issues and makes progress addressing them, there is nothing you can do other than protect yourself and your children.

Well,

we took the kids to school together this morning. 1st day back. Once we got back to the car, I asked her if she still thought her life was not a disaster. She still thinks its not. For me, I its a disaster. Why can't I feel so carefree and happy? I fucking wanted to scream.

So we get back to the house and I come inside to continue the conversation. It felt like it was getting somewhere when she backshifts into B. Its all goes badly after that. History history history.

I tried to tell her I do not want D, but if she doesn't come to MC wednesday and open up (previously scheduled) I will sign the dissolution on Thursday, it will be files Friday and she will be served.

Now I know what some of you are thinking. Nuts night? maybe.

I want to be able to say I did everything possible. Even if this means I have twisted myself up in a knot.

I am committed at this point, either way.

I think the best saying goes here...

"When they show you who they are, believe them."

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 11:16 AM, August 20th (Monday)]

If you are done, move forward. Your children will be ok. Just keep being the best parent you can. They know who takes care of them.

My WH just emailed me yesterday saying he still loves me, but 2 weeks ago he was barracading the door to the house with his body. Actions, not words.

I know what you feel, I love my husband, but it takes 2 people to fight for a marriage. It doesn't mean that things can't work out even after divorce, but she has to do the hard work. Mine won't even admit he did anything.

Hang in there and if your gut is telling you to D, go ahead.

I tried to tell her I do not want D, but if she doesn't come to MC wednesday and open up (previously scheduled) I will sign the dissolution on Thursday, it will be files Friday and she will be served.

So you drew the line, now you just have to be prepared to follow thru when she doesn't follow thru. ((Hugs)) kchip - I know this is hard, but if OM is still in the picture for your family's sake you need to move forward.

Yes, I have drawn a line. I can't live in limbo with a passworded iphone, laptop, and ipad more lies, and more paranoia. Ive only asked her since Dday, tell me what you want - what you really want. She is immature (41 y/o) and irresponsible. I often wonder why I was so sucked in by her.

So, part of me hopes she doesn't show. I just need that answer, the answer they are so fucking spineless to say - what they really want.

She is a true cake eater - and wants the "clear conscience" to boot.

She is not going to give you that answer. She is a coward and emotionally stunted. She wants you to make the decision. She is perfectly happy to float around in La la land while you do the heavy lifting.

She has done nothing to show you that she wants at all to try to save this marriage and give up the OM. Mine was the same way. He actually said he didn't want to D because that was too permanent. At the same time, he scooted all over town with his new piece, never called me or made one effort to talk to me despite witnessing my horrible pain. I had him served with papers and he never said a word to me. It was as if it was fine with him that I just erased myself from his life.

They are cruel and selfish when they are deep into the affair fog. Rational thought is thrown right out the window so your rational brain does you no good.

At this point, there is no point to waiting around and hurting yourself more. Those conversations about the relationship are useless. Even if she went to MC this week, what do you believe that will accomplish? We see it all the time on here - people have no problem trying to bullshit a counselor and waste everyone's time if it means a few more pieces of cake.

Actions are what count. And not actions that were forced onto her - actions that she initiates in order to save her family.

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with this, but please let go of the guilt and self doubt. She ruined this marriage with her horrible and selfish choices. You didn't. Your decision to move forward with the D did not kill your marriage - it just gave it a proper burial.

If she DOES show it's okay to clearly define what R means and what your dealbreakers are. Actually MC is probably a good opportunity for it. Just because she shows up doesn't mean she gets a free pass.

kchip}}}

She was supposed to have already made that decision when she married you.

Not making a decision now IS making a decision.

It doesn't matter whether you give the "out" she wants, it is still what she apparently wants. If it benefits you too then by all means, make the decision for her and more importantly for you.

You have no hope (imho) of implementing the 180 successfully until you let go of the outcome and simply do it for yourself.

Before I knew about 180 I did it myself with XGF#2. She never blinked, never looked back. It hurt at the time, but it also saved me a lot of time and frustration trying to change her feelings when I had no control over that to begin with. It wasn't the outcome I wanted then, but it made it a cleaner break for me. Not the one I wanted then, but the one that was best for me.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 1:29 PM, August 20th (Monday)]

kchip: You MUST keep in mind that the A is NOT YOUR FAULT!!

There are plenty of people who live with horrible spouses who do all kinds of things, look at almost every BS here on SI, and we did not CHOOSE to have an affair. It is the WS who makes that choice.

Always listen to your gut!