SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One thing that I thought of when I first found out was that I felt like a freak. Felt that this was usually something that happened to women, not the other way around. When I finally started talking to other people about what was going on, other men came forward to tell me it happened to them too. People I never knew it happened to.

I tried the "win her back" approach... She was screwing me and the OM during that failed attempt...

The "win her back" approach worked like a lead balloon... That's why she's the ex...

WB

Also, don't waste your time trying to call the OM. The spineless rat bastards never answer your phone calls.

This is really good! I make a motion that this post be added to the healing library!

Second the motion.

...and thank you.

Great post! Will always keep it in mind when I'm feeling negative about the OM.

I honestly don't think I will ever get rid of the feeling of wanting to kick the OMs ass though...

This is a great post. And it's true. The old "I was looking for what our marriage lacked" or the "Our marriage was missing xyz" or "You didn't do ABC and that made me do this!" stuff is total crap.

You didn't hold a gun to their head and tell them to have sex with another person. You didn't do anything that FORCED them to cheat. They had a decision. They could have spoken up and talked about what they felt was lacking. They could have left the marriage instead of talking, which sucks in and of itself but it's better than cheating. There is any number of things they could have tried instead. Cheating is the coward's way. It's the way to paint you as the unfeeling icy spouse who never gave them any attention.

The truth is, they were too damn spineless to speak up and brought the mess of cheating upon themselves.

Just wanted to add "BRAVO, great post", Stronger08!

Hear, hear! Excellent post.

It resonates with exactly how I felt months ago.

It was emasculating, humiliating and just downright gut-wrenching. For all the reasons you said and my reactions were much the same, plus now the realizations held within.

This is a great overall post that should help the other men (and maybe even women) who find themselves as part of this unfortunate 'club'.

Amen Hallelujah!

Straight, unadulterated, gospel truth from a man who knows what he is talking about.

BH's -bump it, bookmark it, read and reread it, internalize it and, most importantly, believe it. The sooner you can get this idea firmly fixed the sooner you can get yourself healed and get busy living your life again.

Thanks so much for writing it Stronger08.

HT

OH MAN.That was some post. your advice helped me more than anything at the time of my DD so i would like to say a personal thanks to you..........keep it going old chap. Trust me your posting is helping a lot of folks around here.

Excellent post. This man speaks truth. You are not to blame for the A, only the WW is. And trying to compete is an exercise in self abuse. As I have learned from other people, you can't compete against the ego and hormones an A brings to the WW. It makes losers appear as heroes in their eyes, and you appear as an obstacle.

The only other thing I would add is to find a group of men to help support you in this difficult time. There are support groups for men, and you will quickly discover that cheating is universal. Many men you would think would never have a cheating spouse have suffered the same pain. I'm lucky my Father helped me connect with one such group. It really builds up your confidence to get such support.

Thanks for that inspiring post.

This is one great post! I'm reading and re-reading it and all the replies at least once a day. Lots of help for me at D-Day plus 4 weeks.. Thanks guys!!

You nailed it---Bravo!

WHG

Yes, this is a good post, and particularly if you are asking yourself "Why would she throw away everything that we had, kids, home, life built together, for him?". You may particularly be saying this to yourself, your MC, or your WS early in discovery. You may not be able to see it, you may look, talk, think, and still not see it.

I found this so hard to believe, there had to be more than that, it was a case of "the books say it's true but I can't see it". There was more, a lot more, but the problem was that my wife wasn't opening up and telling the truth and talking about the past before me. It took months of counseling and hard work on everyone's part to get to that point where the truth came out and when it did I realized just how f'd up her thinking had been at the time, before the affair, after the affair, and certainly during the affair.

Answer: It isn't him, it isn't you, it is the screwed up mind of the person who has the affair at the time they have it and their own internal psychological issues that they can't deal with responsibly.

(((STRONGER08)))))

You rock man. I feel better already.

To the people who are joining the "club", it may feel like your life is over. Like you have nothing to live for. It feels like your heart is ripped out of your chest.

STAY STRONG! Whatever happens to your marriage, divorce or reconciliation, it will get better.

And I will admit it, I broke down when I was all alone in the house. Not a good hour in my life. But when I was done, I felt a huge weight off my shoulders. I was told I did this to "mourn" my marriage. Looking back, I would have to agree. So don't fall into that crap of "being a man" and not crying. All you are doing is bottling up your emotions that will come out in another less productive way.

Our club is not small. Remember that. There are way more men that have been blind sided by infidelity than what society has lead us to believe.

It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong, and there is NO excuse for going outside a marriage to fix problems in the marriage!

Thank you, Stronger. It speaks to us BW too. We often have similar feelings. While I am not familiar with the feminine term of "emasculate" I am familiar with the feeling. I know what it feels like to not be enough.

Thank you for reminding all BS that we were enough, they weren't enough for themselves.

Thanks for that.

It took me a long time to find another guy I could relate to; cheating men and betrayed women is the default assumption in our region. It's good to know guys that know how I feel, as much as I wouldn't wish this experience on any of you.

This is right on. I ca say I lived this. Almost lost my job for giving OM the ass wooing he deserved. Needless to say I know it wasn't his first.