SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This post goes out to all my new brothers in infidelity. I dont know if its me or a trend thats occuring. But there seems to be alot of men joining our sad group lately. And Im alarmed at the commonality of many of your posts. The frequent posts that many of you think this is your fault are simply not true. This has, had and never will be your fault. The A dynamic for most female WS usually follows an emotional path. In that I mean they are looking for something other then having sex with other guys. Sex is usually a trade off for some other sort of attention. They seek validation and affirmation from these assholes and the sex is the reward the other guy gets. So lets keep things in perspective here. Here are the facts as I see them. There was nothing you did that made her cheat. There is nothing about you that made her cheat. Way too many of you guys are excusing your WW cheating on yourselves. I know as guys we try to be all tough. Its very emasculating on a man when his partner cheats. We tend to take it very personally and as the fixer we tend to carry the burden of the A on our shoulders. Thats needs to stop. What she did is totally on her. For whatever selfish reasons she had. Do not allow her to lay blame on your alter. It had nothing to do with how many hours you spend at work. I had nothing to do with if you take the garbage out or not. It had nothing to do with how you communicate with her etc etc etc. What you dudes need to understand is that no matter how bad a H you may have been. No matter how much she complained to you about one thing or another. She had a choice to make. She could have spoken up and told you if things did not change she would leave the M. This would have been the proper way to go about shit. But no, she decided to find some form of outside attention to gain whatever it is that she needed. That is pure fact. She took the cowards way out. She cheated, lied, TT, gaslighted and basically made a sham of herself and her marital vows.

Lets talk about the OM for a second. First thing you need to do is wipe those images of hot pornographic sex out of your head. Trust me the dude is a scumbag that will say anything to get laid. And chances are that he is such a selfish prick that he sucks in bed. Guys like him are not hung like a horse. They are not better in bed. They simply can not stand up to guys who are out there doing what needs to be done. He is a thief, a liar and a man that needs to poach from another guys land. Like a wolf on the prowl looking to eat. He will scan the herd and look for the most vulnerable prey and pounce on it. He will say anything and do anything to get what he wants. And usually after he does he is long gone when the shit hits the fan. He too is a coward and lacks the decency to find his own woman. He hides in the shadows and prowls at night when no one can see him. He is not a man. He is a fucking POS that happened to get a piece of ass through deception. Dont waste your time and energy thinking he is better than you. Because the simple fact is he is not a man at all.

Now I know we all have our primal urges to try and protect our families. And when a third party invades our shit we want to get our pound of flesh. This too is a foolish thing to so. As the laws of this great country we live in offer him protection from what he really deserves. Trust me I know firsthand what thats all about. All it gets you is some time in jail and thousands of dollars in legal costs. It can cost you a career you have worked hard at for years and years. But most importantly it costs you your reputation. There are ways to deal with assholes like him. Ways that do more harn than a beating. Lets face it bros. Dudes like him know that an occasional beating goes with the territory. Or at the very least that it could happen. It dont matter to them. They honestly think with their dicks. Not their heads. So kicking his ass while it might feel pretty good at first. Does nothing but bring you more problems. Want to fuck with the OM ? Get him where it hurts the most. His false appearance he has to the world. Most of these pricks like to portay themselves as good guys. Rip off their masks to the world and they crumble like stale bread. If they are M inform their spouse. If they put up the good religious front. Inform his church and its members. If they use their employment as a means to prey on women. Inform their employers and all the people that work there just what a POS he trully is. You get the picture here. Their image means more to them then getting their asses kicked. Shit even if you did give him the beating he deserved. He most likely will lie about his injuries and use to to get sympathy from another guys W. Be smart get even the legal way.

I want you all to know thats it OK to cry. Your frigging heart was torn out and stomped on. So cry if you want. Dont allow this to define you as a man. Dont start hitting a bottle as a mens to cope. All that does is give your WW another excuse to jump on. While it may seem embarassing for a guy to admit the real truth. It must be told. Dont hide anothers lies. It dont make you less of a man because your WW fucked some POS asshole. All it makes is her being a dumb slut for some fantasy that will never happen. She sold her soul for what ammounts to nothing. And if she thinks this asshole has more to offer her. Well let her ass go. Dont fall for the "I need time to myself to figure out what I want" All thats does is give her time to screw the OM some more. Meanwhile your sitting at home taking care of business. Leave her ass if thats the case. Throw her ass out and let her see just what her prince charming trully is. A good dose of reality makes them think twice about their decisions. If you have kids hold them close. They need you very much now. Be the man they will look up to and be like when they grow up. Show them what a real man is all about. But whatever you do. Dont allow your WW or anyone else put the blame for the A on you. Stop taking it and dont accept it. You did nothing to deserve this. Keep that in mind at all times. Shit we all can get past this shit. I wont lie you will never forget it. But in time you can live with it. No matter what direction your M takes. R or D. Dont take any excuses or make them. Make sure whatever decision you make you stand behind it like a man. Fight hard and stand up for yourself. Because trust me a WS can smell fear a mile away. If you give them any sign that your vulnerable they will jump all over that shit. Dont be her doormat or puppet. Stand up, be proud of who you are. The only person who should be ashamed is your WW. Hang in there bros. Things get better.

Amen!!!

Thanks for posting this.

Sending strength to all of you newbies. You will survive, you are strong, and this is most definitely not your fault.

The decision to cheat is the wayward’s choice and nothing justifies it, NOTHING!

There are a million other healthier responses to whatever was troubling them in their marriage.

I would add. Focus on yourself and your needs. The craziness has a way of dominating our minds and making us seem disconnected and neglectful of our own health and sanity. Take time each day to do something fun, something that fulfills you and has absolutely nothing to do with the affair and its fall out.

LHAP?

Well said Stronger. I needed that this morning.

Amen to all of this. Well said and words that cut right to the heart of the matter.

This is truth. All of it.

"True strength is not always shown through victory. Stand up, try again and display strength of heart."

Your words were exactly what I needed to hear today. Thank-you.

Brilliant post.

Yep.

Creeping in as a woman....

Beautiful post stronger08. It hurt me to realize the way infidelity hurts you men in your own unique way.

(((hugs)))

[This message edited by karmahappens at 11:29 AM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

Yep Stronger said it right...

For all the newbie guys... This will first knock you down then you'll learn how to stand, then walk...

Slow and steady guys...

WB

Somebody had to start the slow clap.

Thank you for this timely, well written post - exactly what I needed!

Very good post Stronger.

It's especially tough when the WW/WGF lashes out at the BH/BBF and targets our masculinity, going for the jugular.

I reminded myself that if she were an independent woman then nothing I do will dictate her actions. If she ever blameshifts then she is basically saying she is weak and dependent on the "man in her life" to decide how to act.

I cannot speak for BW/BGF at all. Over the years hanging with guys there would be the occasional discussion about a WW/WGF who was caught cheating. The talk about the BH/BBF was usually one of pity, basically that he was a, to paraphrase, a cuckhold. It was not "he deserved" but more like "hey, are any of us surprised she cheated on him?" That is another layer of pain added to the nightmare. I'm sure BW/BGF have their own experience that invokes this, but I only know it from this angle.

Stronger also nailed on the fixing it aspect. If we take the blame then that means we can fix it too. Letting go of that and realizing we were, and are, truly powerless over their decisions is really hard.

(((The Guys)))

Well said Stronger.

Agreed on all points. I also want to emphasize your point that the affair is not the BH fault. Many WW will also use the "I was looking for what was lacking in our marriage." bullshit. Rest assured that they were looking for what they were lacking within themselves. And know that when they are deluding themselves with the responsibility-free fantasy world of the affair, it is very easy for them to rewrite the marital history and create the narrative that it was hopeless or an unbearable situation. As Stronger points out, they instead take the path that works its way around their deep esteem, validation, and personal-failure issues instead of facing them like adults. These are problems they had long before you ever met them and only manifested themselves when they were tasked with the responsibility of working on and maintaining a marriage and family.

Stay strong, work on doing the right things, and don't ever give up.

To all the betrayed men,

Please know that Stronger told you is the EXACT truth!

Stronger, Thanks for putting everything we betrayed men go through down in words. You described my exact situation almost down to the letter.

Stronger

BRAVO. We need to make sure this post is not lost, because when you find out your wife has checked out of the marriage for another man, you lose much cognitive ability. You start to be afraid, questioning your manhood, and you will do stupid shit to "win her back."

If every BH memorized your post and could figure out that "She is broken and I did not break her," "OM is not seven feet tall, as athletic as Michael Phelps, and hung like John Holmes," and "I CANNOT FIX HER," well, things will start to make more sense.

Thank you for your wise words today. I am sure some poor guy has joined our ranks, read your words, and thought "This is not for me. My wife is special and...." and will ignore it. But maybe, just maybe in a few weeks, he will come back and start to internalize your message.

At least, I hope they all will...

Glad this helped you guys. Now pass the message on to the new male BS as they join. And yes perhaps the ladies will get something out of it as well. Thanks for the compliments. It makes me feel like I can help round here.

Great post. It's also good because it helps clarify the trade off dynamic of what each side is getting that's hard to sort out initially if you're in that kind of situation.

I kept repeating to myself until I believed it and now to her that it's not my fault she had an A. Have to keep listening to the things "we" need to change, which is true to some extent on a few things, but there's one big thing she needs to change permanently!

Just saying again - Great Post.

[This message edited by Steppinglightly at 12:37 AM, August 24th (Friday)]

Awesome post.