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So many people get the "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" speech. I never got that from my XH. In fact, I'm pretty sure he specifically said, "I don't love you" and implied that he never had.

For those who have gotten ilybinilwy, would you rather they had just said they didn't love you?

No real personal point to this ... just dwelling on the past, I guess.

I think I have some peace in the fact that ILYBINILWY is a very foggy, cliche thing to say. I would not have preferred he said he didn't love me.

I'm so sorry that your XH was a callous ass.

(((Amazonia)))

[This message edited by Jrazz at 12:46 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

I got "I don't even know what love means."

Ass.

My H both said he loved me, and implied that he never had. That really hurt, but I think it was also true. What he meant is he never really understood what loving someone meant, and he is only now getting that he should have invested a lot more into the marriage. That you feel loving by acting loving, not the other way around.

On the one hand, it hurts that when he acted so "in love" with me at the beginning of our M, it was not real love, but on the other, I have to realize that the fact he couldn't tell the difference is what got him in an A in the first place.

If your H said he never loved you, that really reflects on him, not on you. You are a person capable of love, which is a much better place to be.

i got:

i love you, but it's just not the same love as it was before.

what does that mean?????

we are in R now, but WH still hasn't retracted this or said he doesn't feel this way any more or anything.... and i'm scared to ask him.

My BH said that to me. It was prefaced with 'After what you DID...'

Then he went on to say he didn't know if he could ever get those feelings back, and why would I want to stay with someone who may never be able to 'get back into the marriage'?

Other days, he is the exact opposite. It's a rollercoaster ride, for sure.

I got the ilybinilwy speech in front of a stranger MC. I still was not able to confirm the A at that point. When I kept pushing and asking why he had to leave for a "trial separation" he told me "because everything I ever had for you is just dead."

That one will be burned into my memory forever. At the same time, I see that as nothing but a cowards way out. If everything he ever had for me was really dad, he would have acted like a man, fessed up, packed his shit and gotten the hell out. Instead, he let it all longer so he could eat cake for as long as possible.

Everything they say is pure bullshit. I'm sorry that they feel the need to be so cruel when all we wanted was their love. I couldn't do that to a stranger on the street. That's the difference I suppose.

I got this too, but you know really?? If he loved me in any way at all, why was he doing what he was doing?

Mine said, "I never loved you. I just married the first thing to come along and give me a hug." Prick.

I got the ilybinilwy speech too.

To me it said; "I have no idea who I love & I'm pretty sure it's not OW either".

Maybe I was just kidding myself, since I had never heard such a thing before I joined SI and found out it's a pretty common statement.

I didn't get it but I was told that we were much better friends than married people.

With friends like that, who needs enemies?

[This message edited by wildbananas at 1:59 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]

I got the "I love you but I'm in love with the AP."

However, looking back over the marriage, I can't help but wonder if WW ever really loved me. I suspect that she just wanted someone in her life and to be taken care of.

I got the "ilybinilwy", the "I'm not sure I know what love is" and the "I'm just not capable of love" among others. Now, just the silent treatment (has not spoken a word to me in about 2 weeks). I once thought if only I knew what these things meant at the time. Now I just wish I had married an adult.

I was more confused by it than anything. Heard a lot worse than that, including the "I don't love you" and her asking me not to say ILY to her. What I wish I'd done was pay more attention to the search results when I googled ILYBINILWY. Still feel stupid about that one.

The most that my lovely WH could come up with was, "I still have feelings for you". Yup, still have feelings for you too, honey -- feeling like I'm gonna puke.

He was all over the map, vague and relating it to lots of things -- flip-flopping.

At one point he also said he was years behind me -- whatever the hell that meant.

If he meant years behind in emotional maturity -- then yes I agree, and now so does he.

I got "I don't even know what love means."

That is a literal translation of ILIBINILWY.

It was/is very important to my WH that I believe that he never stood loving me. Meanwhile, he confessed that he let himself fall in love with her. These are his words and phrasings. I haven't quite figured that out yet.

100% the same as suckstobme. I will be burned into my mind forever as well. And I agree, it is the cowards way.

I almost feel I would have rather had heard that he never loved me. That way I could have cut my losses quicker instead of holding out hope.

As WH left me, I got ILYBINILWY and I told him I wasn't "in love" with him either. That my love for him was mature, steady love and not the new, giddy feeling I associate with the statement.

A week later, I asked him what he meant by ILYBINILWY and he says, "I shouldn't have said that. I don't even know what that means. I meant to say 'I care for you but I'm not in love with you.'"

Ah, THAT clears up everything.

ETA: 1 month later, I confirmed he had had an EA/PA/EA that was still ongoing.

[This message edited by ShellyBean2012 at 3:02 PM, August 21st (Tuesday)]