SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Psychologically speaking, that is?

Sometimes I think that if I had sex, it would get a monkey off my back, as if I have something to prove. Also, that it would somehow loosen me up, stop making me feel like a date is a big deal. (ETA: well, if I were to have sex with someone, I'd want to be in a LTR with her.)

I'm curious, especially for those of you who had very few partners before your ex: how did your first post-divorce sexual experience affect your psyche? Did you gain confidence, lose confidence, start viewing dating in a different way? Was the experience overall a positive, or a negative, and why? And did you end up staying with that partner?

Sometimes I feel like the kid in the playground who's standing by himself.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:20 PM, September 3rd (Monday)]

OOhh goody- another sex thread

can't weigh in on this.. but eagerly awaiting replies

LOL not much for me but Giggity Giggity Giggity Ga for her......Oh Ya!!!

Waiting for answers, i feel the same way

It was better for me than him. I did have experience before marriage but it had been 30 yrs with only FT so not sure if that counted much.

It wasn't a ons or fwb. I'm with you, it has to be a relationship.

I found I was still loveable and yes someone might want me after all, FT assured me, no one would.

We are no longer together but I know even more what I would like a relationship to be in the future and that it is possible. It was a good experience.

gma

FT assured me, no one would.

This strikes a chord with me. When I told XW we were done, she said that I'd never find anybody. And later, during an argument about her cheating, she told me that I sucked in bed, and that she faked all of her orgasms.

I really believe these were lies said out of spite, but hell, she cheated with dozens of guys. Hard to compete against all that fresh meat. I was the biggest cuckold on the planet. This has not done wonders for my sexual identity. And she was the only person I've ever been with.

[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:45 PM, September 3rd (Monday)]

I'll start.

This past relationship, I'm still mourning and have no desire for anyone else.

However, I have been in this position before.

Felt exactly like OnceinaLifetime does.

It was the very beginning of the internet for non-computer-programmers.

I got a computer and spent hours in chatrooms distracting myself from heartbreak.

I was very funny in chat. It was also a great community (artists; there were rl meetups and an annual show).

Without trying, and also because I live in a big city people often come to anyway, I had 3 lovers from the chatroom. I was 34. 2 were 21.

It was pretty great for my ego to have these young guys in my bed. They were both ovesexed and affectionate.

I found that having absolutely no desire for a relationship with either drove them wild with the desire to possess me.

This was eye-opening. The key to men (of that age) wanting to commit seems to be to genuinely be able to take it or leave it.

The other guy was a bit older than me, really wonderful, and I hurt him because I was just not available for love.

In retrospect. And I was just thinking about this, which is why I'm posting. I WISH I HAD WAITED.

I just cannot really feel much during sex unless I love the person. It was all sort of silly and forgettable. Except the last guy, who I feel bad about still. He was so good to me and so ready to commit, but I took advantage of him because i wanted to be cuddled and cooked for and to forget the person I still loved -- which i was not able to do.

In short, sex to "loosen things up" and be reassured of desirability is much better in the imagination than in the reality, which involves real, other people.

So this time, now, I am not going to have sex unless or until I am in a new relationship. It's not worth it for me. And not because I have any moral issues or feel debased by promiscuity.

It's just not as fun, and not as healing, as I expected it to be.

I wasn't going to respond but, OIAL, what you just posted...

I didn't get the harsh words, but over the marriage I clearly got the blame, and took on the responsibility, for the not good sex life. I truly did think it was my fault. I even went so far as to get hormone testing at one point.

What I learned, when I started dating, was that it wasn't my fault, and there was absolutely nothing wrong with my hormones.

So, overall, yes, it was a wonderfully positive experience, it keeps getting better, and yes, I'm still with my SO.

Jumping in here.

I started dating my Wxh when I was 15. He was the 2nd person I had ever slept with.

I slept with someone 2 years after the D was final. He was someone that I had worked with for a year, and remained friends with after I left. He was a BS that was on approximately the same timeline as me, but has full custody of his 2 children.

The first time that we slept together, I spent a week at his house when the kids were on vacation with their mom. I hadn't seen him for almost a year, so we actually just went to bed and talked for hours before the sex even happened. It was probably the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me because it was just so natural and easy.

I was so worried about my feelings and emotions that I totally didn't think about what he was also going through.

I've told this story before in NB, but it perfectly sums up our first time. Afterwards, I said "Woohoo! I didn't cry." He laughed and said "Woohoo! Me either". That simple statement brough it home for me as to his emotional state.

Anyway, it was a very confusing time because we got along so well for the entire time that I stayed with him. I never thought that I would be able to live with someone again - I totally could with this man.

The first time with him was about so much more than the sex. It made me really question my own wants and desires regarding a relationship.

It was also very confusing, because I am so guarded emotionally - and because this man was a friend first, he knows more about me than I would have wanted. But he is very kind.

It is also difficult, because I am a planner - and I want to map out a future with this person. It was a hard concept for me to get that just because we had sex doesn't mean that it is automatically going to be a long term relationship.

Sorry for the rambling post, but I hope that gives you some idea of the thousands of things that go through the minds of those of us that obsess over things that we can't control - Not that you would ever do that, OIAL!

she faked all of her orgasms

If this is the truth from her then it is a reflection of her sexuality problems and not your performance. Something is wrong if she was married and having no orgasms. I will safely say she is again telling you lies.

I will say SO was a very gentle loving man and I was totally open with him before we seriously even considered sex. I had huge self esteem issues and even the next partner will have to be patient. It takes awhile to undo the damage.

Just make sure who ever the lucky woman will be, that she is worthy of your qualities.

gma

[This message edited by gma56 at 11:02 PM, September 3rd (Monday)]

It did cheer me up. Gave me something else to think about after the grim A/S/D times. I went on 7 dates over 3 months with him so I felt like the courtship leading up to sex was sweet and significant.

I already had a strong sexual identity because I had several lovers when I was young before I was married and knew who I was in my own body. All the same starting over again at 49 I just never realized that middle aged person sex could be as good or better than young person sex.

Yeah, gma, I know the faking orgasms thing was total bullshit, although when she was seeing many guys at the same time, I can see how her husband of many years could have bored her by comparison.

I brought the topic up (in part) because I just got one of those "wanna have some nsa fun" messages on the dating site. Probably a scam of some sort, and not for me regardless, but it got me thinking.

For some, sex is recreational. I've always thought of it as near sacred. But how absurd. What I felt was sacred was making love to a whore in disguise.

It's sad we believed in and married people with no morals or values. They truly didn't deserve our love.

There's plenty of nsa sex out there and don't have look far for it either.

Quality is worth finding.

gma

Geez what a bitch. I hope you said "yeah me too"

[This message edited by trumanshow at 6:05 PM, September 8th (Saturday)]

Pretty on topic question for my life now. Had only been with my XW until divorce (DDay was 5 years ago now).

Recently slept with a good friend I had been having this hard to define relationship for quite a while. In retrospect, I guess it was FWB, only I wanted more.

Anyways, got my heart broken a bit but I think quite positively on the experience. It was good to get the sexual experience in there and honestly I think it will only make me feel more confident when the next relationship arises. Actually makes me feel more confident the next opportunity will arise as well.

Without going into detail (because I've already given you all way too much information on my sex life in the past ), I will just say that my separation-fling was 100% physical, no emotional connnection, and it was a completely different experience than emotionally-connected-sex with G. Totally different. I wouldn't even compare the two experiences, except that they both involved my lady bits.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 8:09 AM, September 4th (Tuesday)]

It definitely boosted my ego and my confidence. It was nice to be wanted and to have attention.

I don't know if it was the most emotionally healthy choice I have made, but it is what it is at this point.

I don't think I had anything to "prove" but it was my first sexual experience after my separation was a healing experience for me. To trust someone enough to be intimate (not to mention nekkid) with them, to feel desire and to be desirable and to have good sex again. That was all very healing to me.

I've always been comfortable with my sexuality, even though I hadn't had many partners. I knew the sexual relationship problems in my marriage weren't because of me. That first relationship involved the healing of my heart that comes from trusting someone again. It was a 6 month long relationship.

I get what you mean about feeling like a date is a big deal, OIAL. I know that I want a LTR but when I go into a first date thinking "I want a LTR, I want a LTR" there is too much pressure. A friend advised that I go to a first date with a short term goal only. My short term goal was: "I want to meet interesting people and have coffee or a drink with them." That took the pressure off me and the meeting and eased my nerves a little bit on first dates.

My medium goal: I want to date someone exclusively (that would be where sex comes in for me). The LTR is the long range goal for me...and I try not to put that energy out there right away when dating...

(I noticed that I wrote the first date stuff in the past tense--I think that's because I've just found my medium goal guy )

It was fantastic for me... I felt wanted, and desirable, and I realized I could enjoy it, alot....

What did your first sex after divorce do for you?

During my marriage, my ex was very abusive. I heard things such as "nobody would ever want you", "you are repulsive naked" and "who could ever be attracted to you". Well, a couple of months after my divorce was finalized I went to a party with friends and I ended up having a ONS (completely out of character for me) with a hot firefighter who was in the Houston Firefighters calendar. It gave me a boost to my self esteem that I truly needed. Every time I encountered my ex after that and he said something ugly to me, I just remembered that night and smiled. For the first time in a very long time, I felt good about myself and nothing he said was going to take that feeling away.

Most importantly though, it made me work on my issues and come to terms with what happened in my marriage. I didn't date at all for about 1 1/2 years after that. I focused on me and my son and making a good life for us. I'm glad I did.