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so this makes at least two suicide threats in six days...

she needs help.

have her evaluated.

IMO, you should have completed that call to emergency services, especially since she was attacking you for trying to complete that call.

It does sound like she is coming unglued and needs help.

I am so glad that you were videoing her and you have her saying that she assaulted you.

Carrying a VAR might be better, as another poster suggested, because you won't have to dig out your phone, and turn on the video record function. I know on my phone that takes about 4 steps. The VAR is instant.

Thanx for the support guys.

Like I said, we are seeing her IC on Thursday. I will insist on a Psych evaluation ASAP and go from there.

She is cooking me dinner tonight, being nice, and things are calm. As long as I don't rock the boat things seem to be ok. I can maybe maintain this for a a couple of days, but really I am dying inside. Somethings got to give...

Jesu, what has to give is that you need to get out of this relationship.

Come on, man, you aren't married, you have no kids together, she cheats on you, beats on you, and you are still around?

You said it yourself. You are dying inside. Why not take the bull by the horns and do something about it?

Sorry that this is a 2 x 4 of sorts, but your situation is simply unconscionable. What happens if she pulls out a weapon and uses it on you?

Yes, she needs help, but you also need to protect yourself.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Why do you feel the need to continue this relationship?

She does need help and there is a chance with some intensive therapy that she may never be physically violent again. However, is this something you want knowing that there is a high probability of it occuring again?

Most of the time we hear about domestic violence it is often the male that is the abuser. Society will all yell get away from them and to cut off ties immediately. The problem when the female is the abuser is males often don't discuss this and rarely report it. Does it happen again? Statistically it does. The pattern is no different.

She has been texting me all day telling me how sorry she is, that she will never do it again, that she is going to do the right things and better herself as a person for me.

I hit my husband twice in the last couple of months. Both times while drinking. The first time I said I was sorry and I wasn't going to do it again. But I did. So I quit drinking and got into counseling. We are divorcing now but that doesn't matter. I'm continuing the counseling because that is not behavior that I accept from myself. What are her ACTIONS to stop herself from becoming violent again? Because texts and words are very easy and mean nothing.

Jesu, she is playing you like a fiddle and you are singing the song she wants to hear. She is abusing you after having cheated on you, and you are walking on egg shells to keep from making her mad. Wow, she's good at this! Manipulate much.

Seriously, you are behaving just like a battered woman does, be extra nice to them, don't say anything about what happened, don't bring up topics that upset them, be a good wifey and do what they want and they won't beat me today. That's what you're doing, you're being the good hubby so she won't beat you today. She is acting in a manner that you should NOT subject yourself to. She needs to have some time alone to figure this out, and THEN you can figure out if you want to work through the infidelity with her. But the physical abuse should absolutely be a deal breaker, bar none.

I have been incredibly angry with my H MANY times since DDay. On TT day, I did slap him across the face for lying to my face, and I felt horrible for that. A slap across the face is a far cry from hitting and kicking someone, and I never touched my H again. I didn't rug sweep what I had done, I apologized immediately, and I collapsed into a puddle of tears and rage and sorrow. I have apologized to him many times since then as well, even though he swears he deserved it, he did not. She has done this more than once, and it's getting worse and VERY RAPIDLY!

What would you tell your best friend to do if he told you his wife, who has been cheating on him, had started beating him and threatening suicide?

What are you getting out of this relationship?

At the moment, not much at all, which is understandable. Our relationship has not always been bad though. I'm hoping with time, and a lot of work from her, we could regain the great relationship we once had.

Why do you feel the need to continue this relationship?

Because I am still very much in love with her. She is the

Ove of my life. I know you guys mat find it hard to believe, but it's true.

What are her ACTIONS to stop herself from becoming violent again?

Well, she is going to IC. The main issue we have right now is the A of course, and her inability to deal with any conflict regarding it. She has improved in almost every other way. She has been very attentive towards me and focused on improving our relationship.

What sets her back is when I get upset at her regarding the A and she lashes out at me in return.

What would you tell your best friend to do if he told you his wife, who has been cheating on him, had started beating him and threatening suicide?

I know, I know. The sensible side of me is telling me to leave and never look back. I'm obviously very confused about what I should do though because I do love her and want to R with her.

[This message edited by Jesu at 9:55 PM, September 18th (Tuesday)]

I tried and WSO started assaulting me!

If you are going to remain in the same house as your WW, then keep your phone on you AT ALL TIMES.

When she starts going nuts.....which she seems to do whenever *you* are challenging her in any way....retreat asap to a door with a lock, close and lock it, and call the damn cops. She is going to continue to hold you hostage until you do this.

Don't threaten to call her parents, don't threaten to call anyone. Just retreat and make the call. She is jerking you around and her erratic behavior is becoming worse. Good luck on Thursday, btw. It's good to hear that you have a plan.

You keep saying that you love her, but her love is *toxic*.

And you DO need to keep in mind what the others have mentioned. You have not reported any of her shenanigans so far. You may be setting yourself up for her to accuse YOU of abuse if you are not very, very careful. Protect yourself, J. Now.

Jesu,

I understand your confusion. I was in an abusive marriage years ago. It messes with your head in so many ways. You come to feel you deserve it.

What sets her back is when I get upset at her regarding the A and she lashes out at me in return.

This is a prime example of how things get scrambled in your mind. Your statement says that she lashes out at you as a result of your being upset about the A. Reality is you have EVERY RIGHT to be upset about the A. It's a direct consequence of what SHE did. She does not have any right to lash out at you, verbally or physically. Suicide threats are also abusive and an attempt to manipulate you.

I understand you love her- that's beside the point. You are caught up in a very toxic dynamic. I think you should separate in order for both of you to get some perspective as well as for your personal safety. It doesn't mean you can't still work on R. If she threatens suicide again, lock yourself in the bathroom and call an ambulance or police. She is out of control.

Your statement says that she lashes out at you as a result of your being upset about the A. Reality is you have EVERY RIGHT to be upset about the A. It's a direct consequence of what SHE did. She does not have any right to lash out at you, verbally or physically. Suicide threats are also abusive and an attempt to manipulate you.

Oh, I KNOW this, 100%. Even WSO knows this deep down, but she seems mentally incapable of dealing with my hurt and anger in a confrontational manner. Her instinct is to get defensive when pressured, even when she is in the wrong. She is at the stage where she just wishes it all just went away and was swept under the rug, something which I cannot sustain.

I think we're at a crossroads. She needs to get better at dealing with all this, and maybe I need to give her some space to do so. I don't think either of us wants to be apart though. My main issue with her so far has been her lack of honesty. If I know for certain that I am now getting the 100% truth about OM and the A, with no more TT, then I think I will be more comfortable with backing off for now. Otherwise there will still be all these uncertainties and questions bouncing around my head, which leads to frustration and anger.

I feel like she is being truthful now, and am beginning to think I believe her regarding the details of the A, but I have felt like that in the past before and it has blown up in my face with more TT. So I guess the fear is still there and that's why I am still apprehensive...

Everything that you have said is basically that if you get yourself together then she will be good. It's bullshit - you have basically reached the bottom core level of bargaining.

Get the hell out now and stay out. Before she decides that you're the aggressor and presses DV charges. Please.

I am sorry Jesu. I know this must be hell on earth for you.

Before she decides that you're the aggressor and presses DV charges.

There have been many stories on SI of this exact thing happening. We just don't want you to be the next.

(((Jesu)))

Everything that you have said is basically that if you get yourself together then she will be good. It's bullshit - you have basically reached the bottom core level of bargaining.

I am not bargaining though. Everything I want and need in order to R with her still stands. She knows this.

I am sorry Jesu. I know this must be hell on earth for you.

Thank you JG. It certainly feels like that at times.

Get the hell out now and stay out. Before she decides that you're the aggressor and presses DV charges. Please.

There have been many stories on SI of this exact thing happening. We just don't want you to be the next.

I know, and thank you for the concern and advice. Like I said, I have been documenting the abuse on my camera phone and will continue to do so.

[This message edited by Jesu at 2:55 AM, September 19th (Wednesday)]

WSO just came home and I tore her a new one...laid down the law. She knows she's 100% in the wrong, knows what needs to be done to R, and seemed very remorseful and receptive to me even though I was visibly angry and talking in a loud stern voice. I told her that she needs to be honest with her IC and tell her what she has been putting me through, admit the physical abuse, details of the A etc. She agrees. She said she loves me more than anything, is ashamed of what she has done, and is committed to making our lives better.

I've heard it all before but let's hope this time it sticks...

There are 2 primary types of physical abuse. The controlling kind where someone who is physically stronger lords it over their partner to direct their partners behavior, and the emotionally-wrecked fueled abuse that comes from a person who is in such emotional pain that it manifests itself in attacking their partner physically in order to demonstrate how much pain they are in, and to make the other person feel the same level of pain.

I think you're dealing with the latter situation.

I think if it's the latter situation calling the police and what not is overkill because your life isn't in danger (correct?).

This woman you love is a mental train wreck. And you are teaching her that's okay. That you'll stay for it. And she's going to drag you down to her level as you re-orient your thinking and your life to accommodate it.

I hear your pain. You love this woman so do't want to break the relationship up.

As long as she admits she's an abuser and does a truckload of therapy to gain control of her anger you should see changes in her....

BUT, if she's not blind drunk when she attacks you then she DOES have control over her actions. She

CHOOSES to attack you to end any questioning about her A and this type of behaviour is the sort that will escalate!

She's definitely not owning her crap because, if she was, she'd be all tears and snot trying to help you through this.

Tell her IC what you've told us and ask them to put her in touch with someone with experience in spousal females who abuse.

Actions not words Jesu.

And if a man beat up on his wife then tried to have sex with her the next morning? I'd say this way tantamount to spousal rape so why is it any different when it's the woman doing it?

To beat someone up then initiate sex equals a very damaged individual regardless of gender.

As long as you don't keep rugsweeping ,which will allow this pattern to become embedded into your relationship dynamic, there's no reason why you cannot both get through this....with her doing a load of work.

I think if it's the latter situation calling the police and what not is overkill because your life isn't in danger

cayc has a point here. I think it's clear that you are physically able to stop her from seriously hurting you and her suicide threats are attempts to manipulate you, not real. Calling police or an ambulance would be one way to call her bluff. You don't need to go that far, unless you are not emotionally able to call her bluff yourself by walking away.

Boy, you are really caught up in the codependency triangle- I recognize it all too well. I've been giving this some serious thought in my own situation. 23 years of it in my case has worn me out. You have to stand your ground. You are in a relationship with a "taker" and you are a "giver". Someday you are not going to have anything left to give. You ARE at a crossroads. Think carefully before you choose a direction.

Ok, great...now we're getting somewhere guys. I finally feel like my situation is being understood. Thank you cayc, MrsDoubtfire and Hope&Faith!

[This message edited by Jesu at 7:34 AM, September 19th (Wednesday)]