SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

And, my experience exactly! My WH has repeatedly been the picture of remorse...tears...sadness...ownership...soooo genuine...humbled...admissions of guilt and in need of professional help..."I love you"s..."I want to be a good husband to you"...etc, etc, etc. He even did a stint of therapy with a CSAT. Plus, his Mr Wonderful Husband act is second to none. If you were a fly on the wall in my home, you would think me the luckiest woman on earth.

Yes. That's part of what fooled me for so long. Because I was so innocent of what a person with an actual addiction or personality disorder was like, I honestly assumed that anyone who could sob as hard as STBX did, who could appear so overwrought with remorse & sorrow, who could say all the things I'd been wanting to hear, well, I just couldn't even imagine that a person could go through all that and not mean a word of it. OR, if he did mean it, it only lasted for as long as it took for me to let my guard down, relax, and be in my old place of sitting atop the pile of shit on the rug where it had been swept.

I kept applying MY reality to STBX's reality, assuming they matched. I had no idea that a person could be so utterly false. Could do all the cards & gifts, could say all the crap on Facebook where everyone could conveniently see it and be awed by his tenderness... I had people lean towards me & tell me he was one of the good ones...

It was all an act. I think now that he meant some of it at the time, but it's clear now it was an act. His public false front, even his false front that he showed me, was all an elaborate attempt to hide his true self.

And I went along with it. It was so much easier to go along with it and "fake a future" than deal with the horrible reality.

Four days have passed since your conversation with WH.

How was his 1st therapy appt? Or did he schedule it for later this week?

I have no idea. I figured I'd ask him about it Friday evening after all the therapists' offices have closed for the weekend. If he did make an appointment, then great -- I'll ask for details on when and where. If he didn't, he'll have to admit that he couldn't be bothered. (I won't ask him until Friday evening because I don't want him to start calling around for an appointment only because I reminded him. I want to see that he took the initiative and made it a priority.)

I have an appointment with a counselor on Friday. This person is not a CSAT but is a marriage counselor with experience with SA. I just want to get some more info on exactly what I'm dealing with here. I picked her because she is covered by the Employee Assistance Plan at work. Really, I don't see the need to spend $$$ on a CSAT (not covered by insurance) until I see evidence that Dick wants to change. (Evidence could be making an appointment with a therapist, joining a self-help group, reading a self-help book -- anything!)I'll save my $$$ for the divorce lawyer.

I hope that doesn't sound cold. I do hope that Dick isn't just laying low, thinking the storm has blown over, and planning to resume his usual routine. But I'm concerned that that's exactly what he's doing.

GO,

So glad to hear you are seeing a therapist who has SA experience. That is wonderful!

The point I was trying to make regarding your WH's therapy appt is that if his tears and remorse were REAL and his words were genuine and honest, then making that appt would have been a top priority. The appt would have been made ON Monday for that day or, at the very least, one day this week.

And, maybe he did follow through...maybe he has seen a therapist...or will very soon. I guess you will find out on Friday.

Funny story about my WH: A little background ~ he's traveled internationally quite a bit; been on nearly every continent; navigated (alone) his way around Istambul/ Turkey, Cairo/Egypt, Singapore, Greece, parts of Asia, nearly all of Europe, etc. But, after d-day, when he finally agreed to see a therapist, the day of the appt, he called me after he had missed the appt, to tell me that he could not find the office! Really??? He couldn't find the office which was located a few miles from his job AND about a half a block from where he and OW used to have lunch. LOL. It's absurd. He did NOT want to find it.

If your WH really wants IC...he will make it happen...asap.

NatureGirl,

Yup, I can relate. I cycled through getting pulled back 'in' by my WH due to his apparent and convincing 'remorse' several times. No more. I am a slow learner though, which had me staying in such a painful place for a very long time. Like I said, no more. I am done.

[This message edited by GeniusOrAFool at 3:35 PM, October 3rd (Wednesday)]

Genius,

Oh, I totally get what you're saying. If Dick is serious about wanting to change, he'll make the appointment -- pronto! But if he puts that on the back burner I'll know I've been played.

So I'm not saying a word. He won't get a reminder from me. :)

GO, seriously, you are one tough chica. I really admire you. You're giving him one good shot without hand-holding him through the process. That's really fair. If/when you find out he didn't do squat this week, which I fear, you will know you gave him a good shot and he didn't bother to do anything with it. You are doing amazing. Please keep us updated, and sending you my best!

You're doing exactly what you should be doing...

WB

Really, I don't see the need to spend $$$ on a CSAT (not covered by insurance) until I see evidence

You sound like you have your eyes open and your head straight. Rock on girlfriend!

I just want to interject my very strong opinion on seeing a CSAT for yourself.

The repercussions of being married to a SA for years will continue to be felt for years.

You need the help for yourself from a properly trained therapist to heal from this. We (partners of SAs) tend to have FOO issues that we will repeat or pass on to our children. Its important to gain a true understanding of the connections involved.

What does FOO mean?

When I saw a general counselor (a social worker, I think) last week I told her that for now all I'm looking for is immediate help: advice on how to handle logistics of a breakup when kids are involved, what sort of behavior I can expect to see, that sort of thing. In the long term I'll probably need a few sessions with someone so I can sort some things out. But right now I feel like the suddenly strong mom pulling a VW off her baby -- I'm all adrenaline and focused on immediate needs.

Also, I've looked into CSATs in my area and they are expensive! None of them take insurance and they all require lots of upfront testing and evaluations that cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars. That's an expense I'll have to postpone until next year because right now the divorce lawyer is first in line for my money.

I peeked at Dick's personal laptop just now. Yesterday I noticed it wasn't in the house, so I texted him and asked where it was. He said he had taken it to work because he had a freelance assignment that was due and he couldn't do it on his work computer. (Yes, he was moonlighting while at his day job.) So this morning when I saw his laptop was at home I took a look around.

Apparently he was posting on Craigslist yesterday during the workday. He's trying to sell some old electronics that we never use ... and several pairs of women's shoes. All designer high heels -- "never worn," according to the descriptions. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Also I looked at his search history. He's been looking at various mental health places, therapists, counselors, and sex addiction websites. Maybe he did make an appointment.

[This message edited by GrossedOut at 8:24 AM, October 4th (Thursday)]

GO,

Your WH selling his fetish items is not an unusual move and one that many 'people like him' will do in an attempt to rid themselves of the behaviors they wish to eliminate. So, all in all, I would consider this a very good sign. However, what typically happens is that they have a successful purge of the fetish items. Then...after awhile...they find themselves simply going out and buying all new stuff again. So, it would be ideal for your WH to begin therapy simultaneously with this purging move so that he will have a better chance of success (getting to a place of improved emotional/sexual health).

Also, I do think it is a good sign that he was researching SA sites and therapists, etc.

Now, what he takes away from that research remains to be seen. My WH did his own brief research...only to conclude that he's not a SA at all which is ridiculous because he's about as classic a SA as they come! Cognitive distortion and denial at it's finest! So, you are definitely in a 'wait and see' mode.

You do sound like you have your head on straight and a very good grasp of things. If sessions with a CSAT are not affordable for you, please at least take a look at Page #1 of the 'I Can Relate Forum' for 'Spouses of SA's' because there are some very good books listed which I think would be very helpful to read.

Take care!

I just took a second look around his personal laptop. He gave me the password a few days ago, so I didn't have to find a sneaky way in.

My first look turned up nothing. Absolutely nothing. But today I found his storage locker "in the cloud." It was also squeaky clean ... until I noticed a place to click and show deleted files. I clicked it, and wham! Lots of deleted photos. The photos that concerned me the most had nothing to do with sex. They were just ordinary photos (the sort you might post of yourself on your Facebook) of some woman. He'd labeled them with names like "SueAtTheBeach" and "SueForABeer." There wasn't anything sexy about them at all. They looked like vacation shots of someone sitting at a beachside bar, sitting in a folding chair by the water, sitting at a restaurant table surrounded by other people. I'm puzzled because I have no idea who this woman is.

I also took an intuitive leap and tweaked my Google search terms a bit, which turned up another old alias of Dick's. I found a hookup site profile from several years ago. It's a site for bisexuals, and in his profile he describes a same-sex encounter he had during a business trip. (He mentioned the area of the state, which is in fact a place he went to on business regularly at that time.)

I have a 2 p.m. solo appointment with a marriage counselor. The point of this visit was for me to figure out what's going on and whether Dick is being honest with me. HA!

This pictures of a woman are a real RED FLAG. Please do follow up on who she is to him and what they have been doing. You need to know EVERYTHING!

Today's meeting with the counselor was worthless. It was covered by the employee assistance program at work, though, so all it cost me was an hour of my time.

I went straight home from the appointment and grabbed today's mail from the box. There was an envelope from the bank addressed to Dick (not to both of us, as I'm used to seeing). Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it. Apparently he opened a savings account and put $1,000 in it! I want to know where that money came from and when he opened the account. The total in the account is $1,000.06, so that tells me he JUST opened it.

Grr.

Okay, I am going to reiterate that this is the TIP OF THE ICEBERG and continuing to collect evidence, unless it is going to help your divorce or custody case, is NOT going to help you at this point.

I'm also going to reiterate that you discuss this new revelation about the account with your lawyer. I'm pretty sure she may tell you to move half of all the joint money in an account only you can access, if she hasn't already, and to shut down all credit cards/bank accounts in your name that he has access to and reopen them in your name only. The folks in the divorce forum will be able to guide you on this further.

She will also tell you that discovery needs to be done on his assets, the ones you know of and ones you don't. You need a credit report on him pronto. IDK if you think he will volunteer to get one, or if he will have to be subpeonad for it. I can tell you it is illegal for you to get one on his behalf without his permission. I can also tell you that you probably know all the key info that is required to order one online . All three credit bureaus, so you know what legal accounts are out there.

Then you need statements from all these accounts, so you can track if any money has been moved to less trackable accounts or spent on things you can sue for (depending on your state laws).

Thirdly I need to second the PP suggestion to find a CSAT for YOU. Only a CSAT is going to be able to guide you through this process of healing, anyone is else going to be a waste of time. You don't know it now, but you are being uber traumatized and it is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. You need this for YOUR health, so you can continue to be on top of your game and go forth in the D and take care of your kids with the least amount of damage possible. Perhaps the useless counselor can give you a referral to a CSAT, so your insurance will be more likely to cover it.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. It really sucks that even with divorcing him, he is going to continue to hurt you and your family even if he never acts out again, because he is not willing to go into recovery and make himself, and things in general, right.

You deserve so much better.

GO,

If your WH provided you the password to his laptop, OF COURSE he will wipe it every time. You will never find anything UNLESS he happens to get sloppy and accidentally misses deleting something incriminating. Monitoring his laptop activity is nearly useless. He knows you are looking.

If you know some of his online profile 'names', do a google search of those names. Some of my WH's postings on sexually explicit sites came up as 'hits' upon doing a search of his online name. You may hit gold. I did.

My WH also has a foot/shoe fetish...as well as lingerie. He is also admittedly (online, and later to me) "bi-curious". The combination of fetishes and being bi-curious can result in his pursuit of men...in girly atire...ie cross dressers...cross dressed sex. This 'Sue' may actually be a man. Not that it matters...OM or OW = infidelity. I have no idea if your WH's interests delve so deeply into this 'trasvestive fetish' arena or not. But, given you probably know very little of the iceburg, and with his girly shoe fetish and bi-curious nature, it may be a very real possibility.

If your WH is secretly opening bank accts with $1000, then consider that your green light to make a CSAT appt for yourself. I know they can be expensive, but you may be able to explain the financial hardship and have that result in a reduced rate and/or a payment plan arrangement so that the sessions are not so financially taxing. Even a hand full of sessions would be well worth the $$.

Only a CSAT is going to be able to guide you through this process of healing, anyone is else going to be a waste of time. You don't know it now, but you are being uber traumatized and it is going to get a whole lot worse before it gets better. You need this for YOUR health, so you can continue to be on top of your game and go forth in the D and take care of your kids with the least amount of damage possible.

^^^100% agree!

GO, I read this thread and just wanted to say that I am sorry that you are finding out about your husbands fetishes. I know the pain of discovering the hidden life of your spouse. I had no idea that my xwh had cheated on me until 4 years after the fact and I found out about it simply because he was being nasty to me.

I discovered my x had a secret life for at least 2 years that I knew nothing about. I found pictures he sent to internet whores of him dressed in my nylons, panties and nightgowns. That was devestating enough but I also found one he sent where he was "playing alone" and he was dressed up in my gown and nylons with a dildo shoved up his butt. That was one of the worst moments of my life. The man I loved dearly and believed I would grow old with was sick. When I confronted him he cried and begged and swore it was because he was doing coke and that he wasn't the sexual deviant it looked like. I left him for a month because I just couldn't stand the site of him and I wondered what I didn't know, what were the other lies he told me or things he hid from me. He knew how I felt about drugs and he did them with my grandbaby in the house.

He begged for another chance and I stupidly gave it to him. Two months into his "chance" he took up with a MOW neighbor. This began my searching his laptop and our home computer. I discovered that my x was posting on sites where people find other people to screw their spouse. He was posting more pictures of himself in my undies and with the dildo up his but. His username proved he was bisexual tho he swore to me he was 100% hetero. He posted messages to a "bull" about how he like to suck dick. When I confronted him this time he told me he never cheated on me, these were his "little f-ups". That night he threatened to beat me up and I knew my marriage was over. My x admitted in court that he threatened to beat me, had his fist to my nose screaming at me but since he wrote me an apology note (lie) he didn't understand why I left him. When confronted with all the pictures, emails and proof of drugs (I found more upon moving out) he admitted to the judge that "some of the photos had been taken before he met me 12 years ago". My attorney and the judge were dumbfounded. My attorney asked him "then you are not denying these photos?" and he said "no". I could have gotten an annulment due to the deceit but I continued with the divorce. To this day my x refuses to admit he has a real problem or that he is a bisexual. Oh and he is homophobic. Nice huh?

My point in telling you my x's sickness is that he begged, pleaded and swore he wasn't into all that stuff only to admit in court that he had done it all before. Something he once told me finally made sense that day. He said to me that everytime he thinks he has changed he screws it up again. He knew when he met me that it was only a matter of time before he destroyed our marriage. He knows he is sick but he refuses to seek help and change.

Please know that divorce is really your only answer if your wh doesn't get real honest help. I know how much it hurts to find all this out and how much we want to believe the Mr Wonderful side of them but they are sick and need professional help. I still have times when I miss the man he pretended to be but I despise the man who threatened my life and so willingly lied to me about who and what he was. My heart goes out to you and I am here if you need a friend. Wishing you luck in this mess.

advice on how to handle logistics of a breakup when kids are involved, what sort of behavior I can expect to see, that sort of thing

XH became a better parent because I divorced him. He had to prove to others that he was a good guy. He began to work full time, got his GED and spent quality time with the kids. While married, he spent all his time and money on himself. Fast forward 5 years, he starts dating another gal and he falls back unto the same patterns.

My kids are now adults. I even kept evidence of XH deviant behavior as documented in court records. But what happened over time, is that kids are smart. They began to see him as a lazy, self centered person. Still their Dad, but not someone they admire. I destoyed the papers without ever sharing them with the kids.

Your kids probably know something is going on. My IC said to tell them that FWH did something to hurt me and that bad behavior has consequences. Not to share details. To reinforce that they are loved and the parent child relationship will not go away.

Hang in there. Keep your mind focused on what's real, not on what could be. Everything will work out, better than it is now.