SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Bi-Curious is just a label that "Straight" people use for themselves so they don't have to admit to themselves that they are in fact Bisexual. Guys are the worst with this, as they don't want to deal with the Homosexuality stigma.

Sorry to say this, but from what you have told us, I would almost guarantee that your husband has had homosexual relations with other men. Most probably without protection as well.

I hadn't considered this, but I bet you're right.

I'm okay with the bisexual thing. Just not with the cheating thing. That's the part that has me yucked out.

I have no symptoms but I need to hotfoot it to the doctor's office for STD testing.

No, this has happened to me AND my FWSO. Neither of us had used our respective computers for SI before.

Ah, thanks for the info. I was stunned when I got the rejection email, but maybe it was just a glitch.

I definitely see hope in your situation, but unfortunately it doesn't include your husband. What would I do?? Divorce him as quickly and quietly as possible. Not sure if I would ever tell the kids unless it was just an absolute must! I would not spend another day/night with someone who has done this. The thing is, he had his chance to straighten/clean up when you confronted him before. He chose not to. He took it further underground. This was premeditated, he meant to do this. This was his intention. He knows how sick it is or it wouldn't be something to hide. So he KNOWS that this is wrong. I would divorce him asap, I know 20 years is a long time and alot to throw away, but 21,22,23,24,25 is even worse, cut those loses and move on and start living the rest of your life!! (and you'll never have to worry about going barefoot again!!)

[This message edited by whensitover at 9:13 AM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

I saw a counselor this morning. (Just me -- not Dick, not the kids.) I wanted advice on what to do as far as the kids are concerned and how much to tell them. I also wanted an outsider to hear my side of the story and tell me if there's anything I've misinterpreted or overlooked.

The counselor told me that divorce makes sense, and that people with Dick's tendencies generally get worse over time, not better. Basically, she confirmed that this marriage is all downhill from here.

She also advised me to arrange for the kids to spend a day and a night someplace else while Dick is packing his things and moving out. I'll tell them that we're doing some work in the house. Then, after he has removed his things from the house, he and I will talk to the kids about it. If Dick doesn't cooperate and instead runs for the hills the minute I mention divorce, and starts packing while the kids are in the house, I'll talk to them alone. I'll explain that some people opt to make bad choices, and that Dick made bad choices that I can't live with.

So, my next stop is the divorce lawyer's office. My appointment is Friday.

GO,

Seriously, just get out.

If you read the SA forum (and no offense to those who choose to R because they are doing what they believe is right for them....) those women spend so much time and energy with men who WANT to get better and it is still a tremendous uphill battle that goes on and on.

Not.worth.it.

My ex was a major SA with a fetish with prostitutes about beating and tying up (BDSM? I guess?) I had no idea until it was years into it.

Get out get out get out

You won't regret it

I would re-think telling the kids you are doing work on the house...

They will know they have been lied to when they come home to have the talk. You don't want to start out with, "I know we told you we were doing work on the house but really your dad was packing because he is moving out.

As a child I would be afraid what else was ahead of me the next time I left for an overnight.

I am no expert, that is just my opinion.

We told the kids and after lots of talking and they had calmed down I took them to my Mom's till he was done removing his things. Anytime after that he would come get more stuff while they were in school. They never witnessed the packing process. It was one of the hardest talks I have ever had but they will be OK and so will YOU!

Hmm. I doubt I'll have the opportunity to get the kids out before Dick starts packing. The counselor said that Dick would probably just want to flee, and that he'll probably start shoving things in suitcases the minute I utter the word "divorce."

I'll think some more about whether it makes sense to tell the kids (two teens and a tween) that we're doing work in the house. Perhaps I'll tell them that Dick and I need to be alone.

Please don't lie to the kids. Especially at this point in their lives, and considering how old they are, they need the two adults they love & trust most in the world to be honest with them.

Your kids deserve the age-appropriate truth. Of course you should also be discreet as to the sordid details. Your kids are old enough to know that you're going to separate & divorce. They are old enough to know that certain promises that husbands & wives make to each other have been broken. That's enough truth for them for now.

My kids are younger than your kids, and they've been able to handle the truth as I've outlined it above. Wrap that truth up in assurances that this is not their fault in any way, that you'll always love them, that you'll walk through this hardship together, that eventually you'll all be okay but it will take time. Be prepared to take your kids to counseling for a while, if necessary.

Just don't start this new phase of your lives with more lies & deception.

(((((GO))))))

God, this is horrible. I am so sorry.

...wanted to add...is your WH unpredictable with regard to his temper? If so, please have someone with you when he's packing. By his name calling toward you, he seems volatile and if called out on something then told to leave the home, I fear a little for your safety. If I am off base, my apologies.

Hugs....

I'm so sorry. I think that you are amazingly together and, having figured out what you can and cannot live with, are making a very informed decision.

I would suggest that you might want to start posting on the Seperated and Divorced forum as well. There are a lot of great people there that can help you, especially with questions to ask lawyers, what you can expect, etc. (((hugs)))

I'm so glad to read that you're no longer willing to believe his incredible lies.

He's a complete sexual deviant and like your counselor said, deviants don't magically get better - they tend to get worse.

You're my hero - wishing you strength!

Just read your whole story. Wow.

Seriously, just get out.

If you read the SA forum (and no offense to those who choose to R because they are doing what they believe is right for them....) those women spend so much time and energy with men who WANT to get better and it is still a tremendous uphill battle that goes on and on.

Not.worth.it.

I totally agree. And FWIW, I am one of those married to an SA trying to R, and have three kids. There is a point of no return, and he has definitely passed it. I don't think there is any going back from this. Do not second guess your gut.

You are doing the right things. Seeing an IC, to do damage control for your kids (although like others, IDK that lying to the kids is the best idea. Why not tell them, and still send them off while he packs?)You are getting checked for STDs. You are checking your legal options regarding divorce. Listen to NatureGirl and ChoosingHope about custody, you will need their advice. Consider supervised visitation until court ordered otherwise. Figure out if it is possible to get full custody, or any options for him to agree to it.

Now let me advise one more thing. Secure the money, now. If you have savings, checking, any liquid cash, move half of it to an account he can't access (more if you need it to cover the basic bills). If he has access to any credit cards in your name, take him off them now. Go ahead and report all your credit cards lost and get new numbers, so he can't use your stuff online.

And I know you are already reading stuff in the ICR forum on spouses of SAs, but let me reiterate you need CSAT counseling for YOU, stat. I started off mad as hornet and kicking ass, but eventually I crumbled and needed triage. Don't let it get to that. Take care of yourself NOW. The CSAT can also help your kids.

(((Hugs))) Welcome to the club you never wanted to join.

[This message edited by hathnofury at 4:31 PM, September 26th (Wednesday)]

Just don't start this new phase of your lives with more lies & deception.

Good point. You're right. Thank you.

...wanted to add...is your WH unpredictable with regard to his temper?

Nah, he's fine. The most he every does is growl at me that I'm a bitch, or raise his voice. However, I was thinking about this, too, and decided that before I talk with Dick about divorce, I'm going to alert my neighbor the cop. Just in case.

I would suggest that you might want to start posting on the Seperated and Divorced forum as well.

Thanks for the tip! I'll check it out.

I'm so glad to read that you're no longer willing to believe his incredible lies.

He's a complete sexual deviant and like your counselor said, deviants don't magically get better - they tend to get worse.

You're my hero - wishing you strength!

Thanks! Even knowing what I know, it's hard for me to see him as a deviant. He's definitely got a Jekyll/Hyde thing going on. What I see 99 percent of the time is the nice guy.

And FWIW, I am one of those married to an SA trying to R, and have three kids. There is a point of no return, and he has definitely passed it. I don't think there is any going back from this. Do not second guess your gut.

Yeah ... I have had fleeting moments of second-guessing. What I'm seeing in person is the nice guy, not the perv. I took some screenshots of his online activity, though, so when I need to be jolted back to reality, I just need to look at the photos.

I'm definitely going forward with divorce. Weirdly, I'm really excited about it!

I am not a huge advocate of divorce, I always hope people can work it out and make it better than before (different, but maybe better in some circumstances.) However, you situation is way different!

I have to say not a lot shocks me on SI. Your post SHOCKED THE SHIT PANTIES OFF OF ME! I almost lost my lunch at the thought of him and another male you don't know sticking thier dicks into your shoes!!! GROSS! And what the hell protiens were left behind to walk around in!! egads! I'm assuming i am reading this right and he had another man in YOUR HOME??? Where your children live!? Is he fucking INSANE??? What kind of pervert wants to only jack off in another womans shoes??? I'm sorry but I just doubt that it went only that far! There must have been more to what you know and that is even grosser.

I just cant fathom why sticking your dick into a shoe would make you that excited that you would bring a total and potentially dangerous stranger into your home, bedroom, closet....

Yup, divorce him. He is a scary scary person. I have such issues when i read that WH's bring OW to the marriage bed, but there is something even much more disturbing about your story that even that! He has put you in danger with his activities!

yuck yuck and double yuck. Time to go buy some new shoes! My WH is an alcoholic and if i ever buy a bottle of booze it goes in the big combination safe we own...but there isnt a safe big enough tthat you can put your shoes in!!! jeeesh!!

I'm assuming i am reading this right and he had another man in YOUR HOME???

I actually don't know. The photos are very close up and don't reveal much background. I can see beige carpet, which we have, but lots of homes and hotels have beige carpet.

It's a question I plan to ask after I talk to the lawyer tomorrow. I definitely want to know if Dick's trysts have taken place in my home. If so, I don't want to keep this house. I'll want to sell it and get a little townhouse somewhere in this same school district.

Your kids deserve the age-appropriate truth. Of course you should also be discreet as to the sordid details. Your kids are old enough to know that you're going to separate & divorce. They are old enough to know that certain promises that husbands & wives make to each other have been broken. That's enough truth for them for now.

I have two sons who I raised while my SAfWH was in full SA mode. While his acting out was more subtle and more hidden, his lack of involvement with them, his verbal abuse and neglect of me and the my subsequent enabling behavior (despite the fact that I knew nothing of his SA) deeply affected both my kids. DS#1 recently went to rehab for alcoholism and his anxiety and depression will be lifelong fights. While some of that may have happened anyway, I blame myself for so much. My kids needed a DAD. He was absent when they needed him most. When DS#1's crisis arose, we told them of SAfWH's addiction and recovery. They are adults. Fortunately, they listened and heard with compassion and intelligence and without blame, and recognize that even parents are fallible. Nonetheless, the damage kids suffer when growing up in homes with addiction is considerable. If I had known then what I know now, I wouldn't have stayed. In that case, maybe they wouldn't have the healthy relationship they now are developing with their dad.

And both SAfWH and I believe that had I left him (or more accurately, thrown him out) back then, it is very likely he would be dead and/or destitute by now. SA is DEADLY, the behavior escalating to more and more dangerous and risky acts, the shame and despair leading to drug and alcohol abuse and, often suicide. Especially if the underlying roots are in depressive disorders.

Children NEED to be protected, but they shouldn't be lied to. They detect the deception and that is just as damaging. And they need to be gradually let in on much of the sordid info if only to protect themselves from falling into the same chasms.

GO you are dealing with so much right now, and like so many other brave women I have met here, doing it with grace and dignity in the face of ugliness and brutality. Please take time for yourself and know that you have friends here.

********(((((((GO))))))))))********

Again, thank you all for the thoughtful, careful advice. I really appreciate your support. I'm trying to think clearly but this wound is fresh and I don't have the perspective that comes from distance.

I would get into that computer to see what other pictures he may have.

I've been thinking about this. As much as I want to know what's lurking on his hard drive, ultimately, it doesn't matter. Even if there are no secret photos or text files, I won't change my mind -- I definitely want a divorce.

Also, the only way I can see what's on his computer is to ask him for the password. That conversation would not go well.

All that said, how important is it that I see what's on his computer? Is it essential?

I would consider it Mission Critical to know. In fact, I did consider it Mission Critical & paid big bucks to have a professional computer forensic person examine STBX's harddrive. The level of depravity revealed was terrifying, and is something I will be using to secure permanent full custody of my children. My children need to be protected from someone like STBX. Without evidence, it's just me sounding like a crazy, bitter wife who was cheated on.

You need to know just how sick your husband is so you can properly protect your children. You need to have actual evidence kept in a safe, secure place. He does not, SHOULD not know you have this information or where you keep it. Your lawyer needs to see it. At least one or two people in your life need to see it.

You're divorcing a really sick man. You need to use to your advantage the information available to you. Grab that computer & get it examined! Be certain that once your husband gets an idea of what you're up to - divorcing him - he'll eliminate everything. You need to gather as much as you can right now. You need to go through the phone, computer, car, truck, wallet, briefcase, backpack, everything.

If you don't have evidence, you're going to be handing your defenseless children over to him for unsupervised, overnight visits by order of the court. Imagine what he'll do with them when he has 100% unrestricted access to them, complete privacy to do what he wants, freedom to have anyone he wants over to do anything he wants with your children there (or TO your children), and so forth.

Eyes open, Sister. Prepare for the worst & fight to prevent it.

I just snooped around in his laptop. His history shows two weeks of website visits but there are no questionable ones (it's mostly news, sports, and games).

That doesn't make sense, though, because I saw that he scrubbed some of his comments from an online forum on Saturday. So either he manually deleted the icky sites from his history or he made those visits from a private/incognito browsing window.

I also found no questionable photos or videos. The only photos were of family members and work-related things. He has a Dropbox account for storing things "in the cloud" but I didn't see anything there, either. I'm guessing he has another cloud service or he's storing his stuff on a thumb drive.

But I did find something useful. In his above-board email account, I saw an interesting item in his "sent" folder. He'd sent a test file from himself to a handful of similar-sounding email addresses. Turns out, they're all him. I did Google searches on all of them and one of them got a hit.

He's been posting icky shoe stories since 2001! There's also a forum posting from 2007 that includes photos and a story of how a co-worker left a pair of shoes at her desk, and one night when he was working late alone in the office he masturbated in them. Gross! I could have lived without seeing those photos. His story included her first name, age, and physical description. I believe it's a real person and not just a figment of his imagination.

Tip of the iceberg, Hon. I'm so sorry.