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I feel numb-devoid of any recognizable emotion.

On Thursday DTOM went to an NA meeting. He has been clean 2 days. I finally see the light in his eyes. His eyes are not red or hazy. I cannot describe how happy I am to see him sober and not on any drugs. Yesterday we went to a 3 hour marriage group at a church nearby. We made love after and really talked about reconciliation. We decided that in 6 mos. we would evaluate if we wanted to live together again but between then we would work on ourselves and begin "dating" again.

Today I looked at his phone which he allowed me to do. I saw a text to one of his friends indicating that he slept with someone. I flipped out. He finally confessed.

On Friday Sept. 21st he slept with an old friend-who his brother was hanging out with because his brother wanted to date her. This OW came to our house about 2 weeks ago when I was still living there and saw DTOM hug and kiss me. I was introduced as his wife and she shook my hand.

Apparently, he took her to a bar and then they came back to our house and had sex in our bed.

I had had sex with DTOM in that bed on Tuesday Sept. 18th! He told me he still wanted to reconcile at some point and we both agreed not to see other people during this physical separation.

I have now had sex with him on two occassions since he had sex with her and I have had no idea

I don't really know what else to say. He stated that he "didn't think I would get hurt" because at the time he was thinking of D and didn't think we would ever get back together. OMG.

I don't know how to feel.

[This message edited by Lost333 at 7:16 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

He's been crying...saying he doesn't deserve me...saying he's sorry....but all I feel is numbness and like I can't breathe. I was crying but now I feel so numb.

[This message edited by Lost333 at 7:29 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Oh, (((lost)))

I'm so so so sorry.

Please get tested ASAP, who knows what this woman brought. Who knows what DTOM told her or if she even remotely cared, I doubt she did.

Please be gentle with yourself. Are you with any family or friends? You shouldn't be alone unless that's what you want.

PM me if you need, I'll be around.

(((Lost)))

(((Lost)))

((((((((((Lost))))))))))

When you posted earlier in the summer about his interactions with the past lover and one other, earlier in your relationship, it sounded strongly like he was engaging in wayward activities and mindsets already. It sounds like the worst has been confirmed. I am so sorry this happened to you, Lost.

Please expect that you have not gotten the whole story. And as NEM has said, please get tested. Has he given you full disclosure of what happened?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 8:19 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

Oh my gosh Lost, I'm so sorry. Know that we care about you and we're here for you. And yes please, go get tested.

(((Lost)))

Has he given you full disclosure of what happened?

Well, we have been talking about it and he is answering my questions. But he has been lying to me for 6 mos. about his drug use and now this so his word means shit to me right now.

Yes, I am going to get tested.

He "says" he started to wake up since he has no drugs in his system (he weaned himself off and went through withdrawal) and realized that he wants to R with me and he feels disgusted about what he did.

Who fucking knows. I don't know what is up or down anymore.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Lost. You do know addicts trying to get sober should stay away from relationships during that criticle initial period.

You're dealing with a very different dynamic when addiction is involved. Please keep working at detaching and getting healthy yourself. It's a horrible revalation. I have to ask you, why did you not think this was a possibility considering all that had been going on?

You will start experiencing health when you stop engaging in unhealthy interactions with toxic people.

My heart breaks for you and truly is afraid this drama addiction, for lack of a better term, is going to be almost impossible to break.

Can you imaging how hard it will be to engage in a quite conversation with a date about where to go to dinner and what movie? You'll be looking for the intensity which has somehow translated to meaning for you.

Detach. Detach. Detach. He is no more ready for a "dating" relationship than you are. Please. Please take care of yourself. That is your primary job!

He should go to the bakery. And buy some cake.

He has played victim and continues to.

He has been sober for what, 2 days?

You moved out but still keep sleeping with him. So that was your choice to do that, knowing how tenuous and unsafe he is.

I feel sad for you. But I saw this coming a mile away. He is just not a healthy person. He can blame it on you all he wants...but this is all his dysfunction.

I would suggest you forgo falling for the "I am so sad and so sorry" trap and get some perspective about what healthy relationships are.

(((Lost333)))

(((Lost333)))

(((lost)))

I'm so sorry to hear.. I would hardly call 2 days sober as "being sober now". Until DTOM stays true to his NA program and reaches milestones, he is simply cleaning up for a bit until the next relapse.

You are doing good, keep going. No more sex with him. A separation is meant to be a separation. I feel so sad for you right now. Everything has been so bad with you guys for a while. Stay strong girl and please keep us posted on how you are doing. We are here for you

After processing this a bit, I have some questions.

If your H didn't sleep with her until last weekend, what was she doing at your house two weeks ago?

Does his brother know? If so, has he kicked his ass, yet??

He stated that he "didn't think I would get hurt" because at the time he was thinking of D and didn't think we would ever get back together.

This is absolute bullshit! He KNEW damned well how much it would hurt! AND:

I had had sex with DTOM in that bed on Tuesday Sept. 18th! He told me he still wanted to reconcile at some point and we both agreed not to see other people during this physical separation.

See, he knew.

Oh ((((Lost)))

DTOM behavior was so similar to my H behavior when he had his RA. I was hoping i was wrong. Take it one day at a time, that is all you can do in this recovery process. Keep on working on yourself and dont let it set you back. You came so far. Im so sorry.

If your H didn't sleep with her until last weekend, what was she doing at your house two weeks ago?

Does his brother know? If so, has he kicked his ass, yet??

The OW was at the house the weekend before I moved out because his brother brought her over because they were hanging out. They all knew each other from HS and his brother and the OW were friends on FB. I think his brother was interested in dating this girl but apparently she wasn't that into him and began flirting with my H the next time she came over. The second time she came over I was already moved out and she came over to hang out with his brother but began flirting with my H. She then texted him to hang out a few days later-he declined because "my wife just moved out and I'm going through alot of emotions right now". She then texted him again a few days later to "help with her resume" but then asked him to go out with her and he said yes.

His brother does not know YET.

I'm having trouble processing this all right now-I need a minute, my head is swimming. I feel like I can't think straight. I just need to breathe.

Earlier in the summer, you wrote about some things that had happened with him:

5 months after DTOM and I met he had to go to a training for work out of state for 4 months. One month before he was supposed to be done (and we would move to CA together) I found out that he had been emailing a girl inappropriately.

Another issue we had was a friend of his whom he swore to me was just a friend. But she would always tell me stories about the two of them and make snide comments to me....For three years he lied to me. He eventually told me that they "hooked up" but did not have sex. I kept pushing him for weeks and then he admitted that yes they had sex....Also, when we would hang out he would put his arm around her, be alone with her, and once I saw him touching her face to move her hair out of her face.

Gently, it sounds like he has had these patterns, for a very long time. Not only recently. There was lying and (imo) infidelity before. There might be more things that you don't know about.

I don't know your story very well, but how long has he been using drugs and alcohol? Is it recent, or has it been for a long time?

How are you feeling right now? What are you doing to take care of yourself? What do you need?

(((((Lost)))))

ETA: I'm sorry, I just saw your last post. Take a breath. Take all the time you need. You must be feeling overwhelmed right now. ((()))

[This message edited by silverhopes at 10:38 PM, September 29th (Saturday)]

I'm having trouble processing this all right now-I need a minute, my head is swimming. I feel like I can't think straight. I just need to breathe.

I can relate. I've experienced that. Just breathe.

His brother needs to know because he needs to know that he can't trust his own brother with a female he's interested in and he needs to know that this girl isn't worth any more of his time.

(((lost))) Sometimes all we can do is give out hugs.

(((Lost333))) It is a lot to process, and I know you're probably spinning right now, so I am not going to fuss. You're a person who leads with her heart and it has been broken. Just breathe.

Oh Lost, I''m so sorry.

Silverhopes is absolutely correct. DTOM has long exhibited wayward behavior. You've been in denial for a while. I would be shocked of this is his only A.

Please use this as an opportunity to refocus on your own healing. You are engaged in a codependent dysfunctional dance that is destroying you both. It''s time to save yourself.

((((((big hugs))))))

[This message edited by Hope24 at 5:57 AM, September 30th, 2012 (Sunday)]

(((Lost)))

I have nothing profound to say, I just wanted you to know that I have been exactly where you are and I am so sorry.

Also,

He stated that he "didn't think I would get hurt" because at the time he was thinking of D and didn't think we would ever get back together.

is crap. Saying that helps him minimize his actions so that they don't seem "as bad."

That's just the latest excuse and it will probably shift and change the more he examines his behavior.

I'm sorry.

I can't add much beyond what has already been said. Just know that I'm sending you more virtual hugs and strength.

(((Lost)))