The website you mention seems to be a person who experienced infidelity and has her perspective on it. Here you will get a lot of perspectives, but there are certain basic tenets that have been forged by the collective wisdom. I hope you will find some conversations here that resonate with you.
I think, in the article you cited, the author is trying to run through all the fears a BS had about confronting, but then she says at the end that you have to draw the line:
But I believe that it is more effective to state the consequences of him not making the right choice and then allowing him to choose on his own. The script might be something like: “this has to be your choice, but I can tell you for a fact that I can not participate in a marriage where someone else is involved. In order for our relationship to continue and to resolve itself, I need to know that she is completely out of the picture and that you are completely sincere about saving our marriage. Until you can truthfully tell me this, then I can’t participate in our marriage. So you let me know when you have come to a decision.”
You really can’t “make” anyone do anything. You can only control yourself. I agree with what she says in this paragraph, except for the bit about “let me know when you have come to a decision.” Your husband has had two weeks to decide if he wants to preserve your M or not. He is acting like he doesn’t.
Let’s look at some of the fears she mentions:
If you “make” him give up his girlfriend…
He May Resent It: Even when your spouse understands why you need to give the ultimatum, he will often resent you for it because you didn’t give him any choice in the matter. They may also feel the loss of the other person and, whether rightly or not, blame you for it.
Then he is not truly remorseful, and is still in the affair. He didn’t give YOU any choice regarding the affair. He will indeed feel some loss at first, but as the fog clears, he will more likely feel deep shame for the way he hurt you. If he doesn’t, he is really not good husband material. Who wants a H who callously hurts his partner?
He May Long For The Other Person Since He Didn’t Have Closure: This is another common consequence. Since he didn’t see the relationship through, he might always think that she was the one who got away. He might obsess over what might have been or what she is doing now.
This is an addiction, not a relationship. Does an alcoholic need “closure” with whiskey? He may think those things while he is in the fog, but if you attempt reconciliation, one of the things he will need to learn is that love is a choice, a way of treating your partner. It is not fantasy soulmates bullshit from popular culture.
He May Still See Her Behind Your Back: Because of the things that I mentioned above, some spouses feel as if they can’t possibly let the other person go. However, they often still want to hold onto their family. So in their own mind, one way to make every one happy while they figure all of this out is to continue to see her behind your back. Now, sometimes they aren’t having physical contact or sex at this point, but they are keeping in touch because they just can’t bear to completely let go.
That is cake-eating. This is why one of the four cornerstones of reconciliation is total transparency. If you feel he is still hiding things, if you feel he isn’t fully committed to restoring your marriage, then you will save yourself a LOT of heartache by letting him go.
He May See You As The Person Standing In The Way Of His Happiness: There are times when the cheating spouse projects his frustrations onto the faithful spouse. This isn’t fair or accurate but sometimes, he has to put his anger somewhere and he isn’t always going to blame the other woman or himself. He may portray you as the person who doesn’t understand him or who is trying to keep him from true happiness.
Yes, this is something that a lot of waywards do. Again, that is not a person you can reconcile with. If he truly thinks you are standing in the way of his happiness, do you really want to be with him? Is that going to make YOU happy?
You May Also Wonder If He Would Have Ended The Affair On His Own. Insecurity May Be The Result.
I doubt that. My WH didn’t end the A on his own. I squashed that bullshit. I hardly feel “insecure” about that – as far as I’m concerned, I was asserting my marital rights. What SHOULD be the result of the work you both will have to do after the A is ended is more honest communication, so that you both understand what weaknesses led him to an A. Reconciliation is very, very tough after the devastation of an A, but if you are both working very hard towards that goal it is possible. If one of you is not all in, then it is not going to work.
You might read “Not Just Friends” (Shirley Glass). It is probably the book most recommended for understanding how affairs develop and what the aftermath looks like. Not everyone who offers advice about infidelity knows what they are talking about, including a lot of therapists. Glass at least has done research, and the people here on SI have experienced it.
I’m sorry if this sounds harsh. A lot of us have discovered our WS have issues we didn’t know about –and didn’t find out until the A. In your case, you already know your spouse is acting out due to depression and PTSD. I hope he is going to get some individual counseling, too. I support you if you want to fight for your marriage, and help your H find a healthier way of dealing with things. But I also want you to be fully aware that it comes with a cost and you have to take care of yourself, too, and prepare yourself to walk away if he refuses to be helped.
I'm scared and overwhelmed and so heartbroken. I hate feeling like I'm going crazy.
(((lime))) < that’s a hug
Yes, the pain is overwhelming, I know. But we all went through it and survived. You will, and we are here for you.
