SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

NO?!?!

If I was you I would be extremely pissed off.

WSO never turned down OM, and rejected me for years. Any rejecting now would be a deal breaker for me. Of course if she were to be incredibly ill or something I would be understanding. Just being tired or not in the mood is not good enough for me. Even if she doesn't feel like intercourse, there's always BJs or HJs.

Exactly! This is how I feel, which it seems the BWs here don't understand. The WW rejected sex with their BH for YEARS! Yet she was never too tired for her OM, could put in the effort to do all kinds of things.

Then if that is the case, it may be time to pack it in. Infidelity is 100% wrong, no matter what. However to say that someone is no longer allowed to have a day where they are not in the mood and hand jobs and bj's will now be 100% guaranteed whenever you want them? That does not sound like a healthy thought process for a healthy relationship. Expecting a bj out of someone even if they are not in the mood is demeaning... and you have no real way if knowing whether they *always* put out during the A either. This line of thinking does not seem to be limited to just betrayed men, however. I've known several other men to say the same thing. Part of why when I get this ass hole pit if my life, I'll be more then content to just stay single. :/

[This message edited by thenon-goddess at 1:26 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

Im sorry. I understand how it feels to be told "no" by a spouse. For the first several years of our relationship,I was ready,all the time. And he knew it. Yet he chose porn over me alot of the time. I know how much it hurts to feel rejected.

That being said...if your wife..take the "wayward" part off of it for one minute...if your wife isn't in the mood...it sounds to me,and correct me if Im wrong...but the general response from the men on this thread is.."I dont give a shit if she had a bad day,is bloated because she's about to start her period,dont care if she's sad,or dealing with problems with her mom,or a child,NO MATTER WHAT..she BETTER fuck me..or suck me."

Really? You don't care if she wants to or not?

If the "no" comes on a regular basis,then ok,I see why the anger would take over. But the occasional "no" isn't allowed?

As a BW,Im not in the mood very often these days. I feel like shit about myself. My confidence is in the toilet. That hasn't stopped WH from wanting me. Sometimes I will have sex with him even if I really dont feel like it. A few times,he has sensed Im just not into it. And he respected that. And stopped. he said he wants me,but if Im not in the mood he doesn't want to feel as if he's forcing me to do something I dont want to do.

Why would a man want a woman to feel obligated to fuck/suck him whenever the mood hits him?

And,please. A woman feels rejected sexually when their husband cheats. Please dont say we dont understand. We understand.

[This message edited by confused615 at 2:10 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

I was "in the mood"

Phoenix as a BH I understand the sting of hearing no. As a WH I know that I try to be sensitive to my BS with varying degrees of success.

That said, I can tell you that neither man or woman responds well to "I want what I want and you owe me" just doesn't have much sex appeal.. It doesn't matter what her excuse was, she is a human being regardless of the other labels she has acquired over the years, she can say no as well as you.

As long as YOU continue to decide on R and staying in the marriage you are deciding to be part of a team. Does she need to do a LOT of hard work due to her actions right now? Absolutely, hell yeah. Does that mean she forfeits basic rights? No, we are not living in Pakistan or Afghanistan or Pick-A-Stan for that matter.

If your gonna be in it, Be in it together. IF you want real R then understand you play a role in this as well. You can have the sting, the pain that her response brings and still work towards a R in a healthy way. There will always be a group of BH's hear that will say "Fuck that" or "Oh no she didn't". So, to the real question. Do you really want R, do you understand there will be incredible obstacles, because if you are in it just to have a robot who does whatever you want when you want it then she should be told that so she can decide if that is the kind of M she wants.

Im2024 - Generalizations like BW's don't understand is good if your going to spread peanut butter, you know, nice uniform thickness from crust to crust. But on SI I found that generalizations are useless and don't help in the healing process, IMO.

I've been watching this thread since something similar happened to me shortly after d-day. My BH wanted sex and I didn't want it that night so I said no. He pushed for it and I kept insisting that I wasn't up for it. He threw my A's in my face and then I felt bad, so I had sex with him after all even though I didn't want to.

I'm just saying that I don't think it's wrong for Phoenix to have similar reactions as my BH. I think it's just another shitty reality about As. Saying no to sex to your husband has a different meaning than it did before. It's like we're not allowed to be 'not in the mood'. However with that being said, there was another instance that I said no to sex another night and he just went ok whatever, lets just do it tomorrow then. I think my BH just had a hard time dealing with his emotions at that point but he's been better now.

For real? As a male, how would you have any idea how a woman feels about sex after her partner cheats? I guess since we're not masculine it would be true that it is "more emasculationg" but A damage women in ways that rip them of their confidence sexually as well. That aside, no person should be "expected" to have sex just because another person wants it. There certainly are more compassionate ways to say "no" then the way this op's ww did, but some expectation that she should always put out now when he wants it lacks compassion as well.

This exactly.

Editing to add more agreement with the non-goddess:

However to say that someone is no longer allowed to have a day where they are not in the mood and hand jobs and bj's will now be 100% guaranteed whenever you want them? That does not sound like a healthy thought process for a healthy relationship. Expecting a bj out of someone even if they are not in the mood is demeaning... and you have no real way if knowing whether they *always* put out during the A either.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 3:56 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

Every BS has the right to have their own list of deal breakers. The affair itself may be a deal breaker. For me personally, I don't care if I fucked the entire 5th fleet, I would never agree to a "relationship" where I was at the mercy of my "partner" deciding if it was ok or not for me to say no to sex, blow jobs, or hand jobs. Assuming I was the WS, I wouldn't give up my right to say no, and I wouldn't want to be with a man that expected fucking on demand regardless of if I wanted it or not.

Ironically, I'm not a refuser when it comes to sex. If I'm really just not up for it, I'm almost always fine with offering a blow job or hand job and have been with every partner I've been with. But the second I felt like I *had* to do so or my partner would leave me? There's the door.

At first I said the typical, "I guess you just like sex with people like OM" or "you were never too tired for OM" and I would just wind up feeling guilty, because I some level I know she was just tired.

I'm ashamed of having said those things to her, and I generally respond nicely now, but to be real honest, it still hurts like hell now when she turns me down. I still think those things in my head, but I don't say them. I just lay there with a huge gaping hole in my chest feeling rejected and pissed. I try to just stare at the wall, try to calm down, and go to sleep eventually.

If I was a WW and I heard this from my BH, I would try very hard to please him.

NO?!?!

If I was you I would be extremely pissed off.

WSO never turned down OM, and rejected me for years. Any rejecting now would be a deal breaker for me. Of course if she were to be incredibly ill or something I would be understanding. Just being tired or not in the mood is not good enough for me. Even if she doesn't feel like intercourse, there's always BJs or HJs.

If I was a WW and I heard this from my BH, I would quite probably never have sex with him again.

This is just plain vulgar and vile, IMO. Sorry. It just is. FYI, there are many women who consider HJ's and BJ's to be more work than intercourse, with no satisfaction. WTH?

To the men who feel so entitled as to treat their WW's like whores, I'd like to ask, What have you done to make your WW feel sexy and desirable? To expect her to just put out on demand is not going to get you the feelings towards you from her that you want, unless, as someone said, you want a robot.

I want to be quick to add, here, that if a WH is repeatedly rejected from his WW, that is another matter. She has an obligation to work on the M, and sex is a very important part of that. It's just that she isn't likely to if she feels she is being treated like a whore.

What I don't get is, What is the satisfaction for a BH when all he gets is sex because it is demanded? Wouldn't you only want sex from her if it is given willingly and freely? If it's only because it's expected, what's the point? You say you want it because she gave it to OM when he wanted it. How do you know that? How do you know there weren't times when she said No to him? And what did HE do to make her feel sexy and desirable? I'm sorry; I am a BW, and I know how betrayal hurts and hurts and hurts. But I would never have wanted sex from my WH because he felt obligated. If he wasn't into it, neither was I.

In fact (here's the difference, I guess, between men and women), once I dicovered my WH was in an A, I DID NOT want sex from him. I was turned completely off at just the thought of sex with him. I told him I didn't want that "thing" because I know where it's been. Yuck! I didn't even want his arms around me after knowing who those arms held last. So, apparently there is a difference here in BW and BH.

I just don't get how anyone, male or female, can expect sex from a partner on demand. In fact, I second thenongoddess's opinion:

Then if that is the case, it may be time to pack it in. Infidelity is 100% wrong, no matter what. However to say that someone is no longer allowed to have a day where they are not in the mood and hand jobs and bj's will now be 100% guaranteed whenever you want them? That does not sound like a healthy thought process for a healthy relationship. Expecting a bj out of someone even if they are not in the mood is demeaning... and you have no real way if knowing whether they *always* put out during the A either. This line of thinking does not seem to be limited to just betrayed men, however. I've known several other men to say the same thing. Part of why when I get this ass hole pit if my life, I'll be more then content to just stay single. :/

Amen! I'm happy being single now, too!

phoenix54

This is something I struggled with during my 18 year marriage. I came to better grips with this after reading the 5 Love Languages and understanding the differences between me and my wife.

For me, touch/sex is a strong #1 driver, in fact, I think I could live comfortably without having the other 4. I wonder if I might be a SA if not for the love and respect I have for others. And I cherish and respect sex and my wife so much that I do not request for sex and rarely initiate it to ensure my wife is wanting it. Basically my desires and expectations for having sex are extremely high, yet they are still silent.

My wife, on the other side of the bed, rates affirmation very high on her list, and rates sex very low due to her FOO issues. For her, sex was more like a duty or payment. In fact, sex value to her was so low that she traded sex for affirmation during her affair, combined with having a low self esteem and an inner anger and belief that she was BAD. For me, she gave sex to me to keep me happy, to the the MOM to keep him calling.

Not understanding our differences in terms of the 5 love languages, and resorting to NO-SEX/NO AFFIRMATION tit-for-tats was a recipe for disaster. The key to working through this problem was understanding our differences and accepting that what makes us tick is different. I try to not take it as personal anymore, and communicating is key to staying out of the tit/tat anger zone.

[This message edited by still-living at 8:18 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

Healthy relationships happen in the real world, not happyflowerkittyland. And sometimes, in the real world, people are honestly tired, grumpy, feel gross or fat or bloated or just don't want to think about sex at all at the moment.

I would go so far as to say if a BS expects to never be told "no" to sex outside of very, very extreme circumstances because their WS had an affair, I'd consider the affair to be a deal breaker because that's just not a realistic, fair, or healthy expectation to have.

Well, it's not fair for WSO to betray, lie to and cheat on their partner. In the real world people shouldn't treat someone that loves them in that way. Of course WSOs are selfish and do whatever the hell they wanted to at their partners expense.

I think it's healthy and realistic for WSO who is truly remorseful to want to make up for their A and love and please their BSO at all times in order to R.

Why was that not worth respecting?

Why was the relationship not worth respecting for the WSO?

I'm not sure I understand why hearing "no", when you already knew how she was feeling, was such a big deal.

Because of the A. An A is a "big deal".

I think we are all human, we are not sex objects to be used at others whimsl.

My WSO was, by choice, for OM.

However, I don't think that this gives the BS the right to infringe upon the rights of the WS

Rights? Who's infringing on anyone's rights? Well. WSOs infringe on their BS rights, that's for sure. Lying, betrayal, putting their health at risk!

A WSO has the "right" to reject their BS, just as a BS has the "right" to be upset about it, and give up on R because of it.

Then if that is the case, it may be time to pack it in.

Why? My WSO has no problem with it. If she did then I would pack it in.

Infidelity is 100% wrong, no matter what. However to say that someone is no longer allowed to have a day where they are not in the mood and hand jobs and bj's will now be 100% guaranteed whenever you want them? That does not sound like a healthy thought process for a healthy relationship.

Infidelity is not healthy. Yet that is what the WSO chose above the relationship.

It's not that they're not allowed. Of course they can choose to say no. IMO the WSO should WANT to pleasure their BS though. It's healthy to want to keep each other happy, regardless of of selfish attitudes like not being "in the mood".

Expecting a bj out of someone even if they are not in the mood is demeaning.

No, desiring your partner and being pleasured by them is not demeaning at all. Cheating on your partner is incredibly demeaning.

you have no real way if knowing whether they *always* put out during the A either.

Yes I do, because WSO told me.

That being said...if your wife..take the "wayward" part off of it for one minute...if your wife isn't in the mood...it sounds to me,and correct me if Im wrong...but the general response from the men on this thread is.."I dont give a shit if she had a bad day,is bloated because she's about to start her period,dont care if she's sad,or dealing with problems with her mom,or a child,NO MATTER WHAT..she BETTER fuck me..or suck me."

Nope. What you're forgetting is that I'm not the bad guy here. I love my partner. It's more like:

"I love you, desire you more than anything, and even though you have hurt me in the worst possible way I am working on forgiving you...and would love nothing more than to make love to you, pleasure you and/or be pleasured by you."

And I never said no matter what.

Really? You don't care if she wants to or not?

Of course I do. That's the whole point. SHE betrayed me. Now she is is sorry and wants to make up for it and prove that she loves and me and that I can trust her again?

Great, she should WANT to make and keep me happy sexually then.

Well, it's not fair for WSO to betray, lie to and cheat on their partner. In the real world people shouldn't treat someone that loves them in that way. Of course WSOs are selfish and do whatever the hell they wanted to at their partners expense.

You're absolutely correct. Nothing about what a WS does to the BS is right or fair. It's just not. And there's NOTHING the WS can *ever* do to make things the way they were before. It's just not possible. The WS can't un-fuck the AP, kwim? It's NOT fair.

However, I'm not sure how that equates to a BS having unrealistic expectations if there is a sincere attempt at reconciliation. IMO, and it's just MY opinion, expecting to be fucked/sucked/pleasured on demand outside of circumstances that the BS deems "acceptable" to say no is not realistic at best. Perhaps this approach works for some couples, where the WS is content with never having the right to say no without fear of it being a deal breaker unless the BS deems their "reason" for saying no to be "acceptable". That would never, ever work for me personally, but as with most things in life, YMMV.

I think it's healthy and realistic for WSO who is truly remorseful to want to make up for their A and love and please their BSO at all times in order to R.

Good luck with that. WS's are humans too, and the chance that they will love and please their BS at all times is incredibly unlikely. If, however, that is the expectation for reconciliation from a BS, I think it should be openly communicated to the WS (i.e. when the BS indicates they desire sexual intimacy, the WS gives it freely and willingly at all times unless the BS deems saying "no" acceptable). If the WS is agreeable to these terms of reconciliation, then I think it would fall under whatever works for each individual couple.

I personally cannot imagine this attitude actually working in a healthy relationship, but I'm just me and I don't define what is appropriate or healthy for other couples. However, I will say that I would tell ANYBODY that if they are in a relationship where they honestly feel like they CANNOT say "no" to sex EVER without fear of negative consequences from their partner, they've got much, much larger problems than infidelity and the roller coaster of reconciliation.

Prior to that, my WW had complained about being tired, feeling overweight, etc. After I proposed sex to her, she responded with a "no".

Is this surprising to you? Really?

Frankly, I was annoyed and I told her I felt rejected. I explained that sex helps me feel connected with her.

I get this part. I want sex a lot more than my H does and being rejected often can be infuriating. Although, you said your sex life has been "active" so it doesn't sound like her saying "no" is an ongoing problem. Letting her know how you feel is a good thing, but I think you went too far when you said this:

she never turned her AP down when he wanted sex

.

You don't know that. Saying "yes" once isn't the same as never saying "no", which implies there were attempts made on several occasions by the AP to have sex with her (not sure if that's worded correctly to get my point across).

NO?!?!

If I was you I would be extremely pissed off.

WSO never turned down OM, and rejected me for years. Any rejecting now would be a deal breaker for me. Of course if she were to be incredibly ill or something I would be understanding. Just being tired or not in the mood is not good enough for me. Even if she doesn't feel like intercourse, there's always BJs or HJs.

Are you kidding me? I would NEVER stand for this. If my H told me that if I didn't have sex (or perform some other sexual act) whenever he wanted it, regardless of my feelings, it was a dealbreaker and R would be over, I'd tell him to leave. NO ONE forces, coerces, guilts, etc me into doing anything like that. It would be the same thing as being raped, IMO.

Affair sex is far more emasculating for a betrayed husband than a betrayed wife.

Like someone else said, it is obviously more emasculating for a man since men are, in fact, more masculine. But really, you really think I hurt less because I'm a woman? I cannot tell you how sexist and incorrect your post was.

For me personally, I don't care if I fucked the entire 5th fleet, I would never agree to a "relationship" where I was at the mercy of my "partner" deciding if it was ok or not for me to say no to sex, blow jobs, or hand jobs. Assuming I was the WS, I wouldn't give up my right to say no, and I wouldn't want to be with a man that expected fucking on demand regardless of if I wanted it or not.

Agree 1000000%.

the BWs here don't understand

Don't generalize like that. Reading someone's posts on this site doesn't mean you really know any of us well enough to post a statement like that.

"I love you, desire you more than anything, and even though you have hurt me in the worst possible way I am working on forgiving you...and would love nothing more than to make love to you, pleasure you and/or be pleasured by you."

And she still has the right to say "no" if it's something she doesn't want to do.

I personally cannot imagine this attitude actually working in a healthy relationship, but I'm just me and I don't define what is appropriate or healthy for other couples. However, I will say that I would tell ANYBODY that if they are in a relationship where they honestly feel like they CANNOT say "no" to sex EVER without fear of negative consequences from their partner, they've got much, much larger problems than infidelity and the roller coaster of reconciliation.

^^^This!

I could go on and on, but it would probably take me all night. The last thing I want to say is that it is anyone's right to say "no" whether they're a BS, WS, man, woman, etc. If my H gave me the ultimatum that I perform whenever he wants despite how I feel about it or there would be no R, I'd walk out the door and never turn back. I cannot believe that anyone would be okay with this, or really want someone sexually under those circumstances.

(BTW, I asked my H for his opinions/thoughts before writing this post. I am also posting as a WW and a BW, so I understand both sides, as does my H.)

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 9:40 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

In healthy marriages, people do say "no" to sex at times.

It can be a devil of a problem though.

In affairs, well to be blunt, they are never healthy actions and even when they don't want sex they often do it in order to get the affirmation they are seeking from their affair partner or from the affair if not exactly from the partner themselves...which is the whole reason for the affair in the first place.

I've been rejected more than I could even begin to count, and I'm the only person who has ever been able to give my wife an orgasm, and she tried with quite a few people.

Why? Why the rejection, why an affair if she wasn't wanting sex at home (practically never)? That just blew me away for a while. Well, it was out of unhealthy past crap in the adolescent years that finally came out.

The rejection in our case is not healthy for the most part, it is a symptom of an unhealthy psychological state, it is/was arising from unhealthy origins (abuse), but my acceptance of it is a healthy response under the circumstances.

I dealt with it, I deal with it, and continue to deal with it in a hopefully healthy manner (I did not have an affair when I had multiple opportunities, and have even very recently had another and still could have that opportunity as I'm very aware of a woman trolling herself around me at work and she is well aware that I am married...what is it with single women and married men, of course I work in a profession that attracts people who have issues to say the least).

That in a nutshell is our work as BS's, to deal with our spouses psychological issues in a healthy manner.

My wife deals with her underlying issues by getting counseling, staying in counseling, and staying out of affairs.

As far as the issues of sexuality and involvement with each other in that manner, what now must happen is that we must work to accept the past, which we cannot change, try to have a healthy sex life together, as best we can, and hope that it will get better in the future.

It isn't easy. It isn't because of the affair that it isn't easy, it is because it is still rejection, affair or not, and it certainly doesn't pump up my ego to be rejected sexually, or to have the other person only come onto me once a month (yeah, once a month sure makes me feel like the Greek God of Sex Appeal!).

When we do have sex, it is great. However, that must be when she initiates. My initiating is just a "no go". I have to wait.

If I can't handle it, unmet sexual needs and physical affection, then I can responsibly end my marriage, break up my family, and leave the woman that I love more than anyone else upon this earth.

Some choice.

For me, it has been no choice at all. I love my wife to much, I love her smile to much, I love our family to much, and the sexual side of things just is not enough to call it quits over.

For those in attempted reconciliation, I just would encourage you to realize that your partners sexuality in the affair is not a reflection/image of a healthy person. That was behavior of someone who was not behaving in a healthy manner. Yes, you could have a sex life that was healthy, more frequent, more intense, and still healthy, but not till they work on their issues around sexuality.

Simply put, you have MC and IC to figure out what you have to deal with. You then have to deal with it over time with either MC or IC or both. You as a BS have to figure out what you can deal with. I have idea how some people deal with what they have been handed, but I'm sure that many others have no idea how I deal with what I was handed.

One day at a time.

Jesu..Im not "forgetting " you're not the bad guy here.

So if she doesn't have sex with you when you want it,whenever you want it regardless of how she is feeling,you get angry? Have you told her if she doesn't pleasure you it's over?

Has she told you no? What happened?

If my H gave me the ultimatum that I perform whenever he wants despite how I feel about it or there would be no R, I'd walk out the door and never turn back. I cannot believe that anyone would be okay with this, or really want someone sexually under those circumstances.

This. As a woman who has been raped, it horrifies me that there are women out there who would agree to this sort of arrangement to "make up for" cheating on their partner. It's just... vile. And I cannot imagine how I would EVER truly have any sexual desire for a man who would issue such an ultimatum ever again.

If I was a WW and I heard this from my BH, I would quite probably never have sex with him again.

Gee, that's a nice remorseful attitude for a WSO to have. That's the thing though, you are not a WW.

This is just plain vulgar and vile, IMO. Sorry. It just is.

Desiring your partner and wanting to R with them after years of rejection and abuse is vulgar and vile? No, Infidelity is vulgar and vile IMO.

FYI, there are many women who consider HJ's and BJ's to be more work than intercourse, with no satisfaction. WTH?

Yep, and yet my WSO was quite willing to go out of her way to do that for OM. Also, did I mention that I am more than willing to pleasure her in the same way at any time?

To the men who feel so entitled as to treat their WW's like whores, I'd like to ask, What have you done to make your WW feel sexy and desirable?

Well, not treat her like a whore for one. I resent that accusation immensely. I love my partner more than anything, yet she was the one that let herself be treated like a whore by OM.

What have I done? Are you kidding? I've given her everything, my love, my life my undying support. I tell her I lover her every day. I tell her she is beautiful. I'm willing to be close and intimate with her regardless of her betrayal. I am a loving, romantic man that would love nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with the love of my life, together and happy forever. I desire her above all else, and make her feel sexy beyond belief.

To expect her to just put out on demand is not going to get you the feelings towards you from her that you want, unless, as someone said, you want a robot.

I know. My WSO does no longer reject me, since DD. She is remorseful, as far as the sexual aspect of our relationship goes, and loves nothing more than being intimate with me every day. If ever she is not up for intercourse, she is more than happy to engage in oral sex...or at the very least a handjob in order to leave me feeling satisfied.

What I don't get is, What is the satisfaction for a BH when all he gets is sex because it is demanded? Wouldn't you only want sex from her if it is given willingly and freely?

Yep, exactly. A remorseful WSO should desire their betrayed partner.

You say you want it because she gave it to OM when he wanted it. How do you know that? How do you know there weren't times when she said No to him?

I know because WSO told me.

And what did HE do to make her feel sexy and desirable?

EXCUSE ME? You actually want to GO there? You honestly want me to start comparing myself with OM and feel like I have to compete with him?

I don't give a flying fuck what he did.

He got her drunk, told her she was cute, then took advantage of her and the situation. He didn't love her, he didn't care about her, and all he wanted to do was fuck her again and again.

Happy?

I just don't get how anyone, male or female, can expect sex from a partner on demand.

That's the thing, it's not about demanding. A BSO wants nothing more than to feel special, desired, wanted, important etc.

My WSO rejected me sexually for years because of her own selfishness, laziness, and just plain screwed up way of thinking. She turned to OM, lived in a fantasy world, and gave herself to a stranger in ways that she denied me. She made him feel amazing, and me feel worthless. Over these years, me not knowing about the A, I was kind, compassionate and understanding. She treated me like a fool. When she couldn't have OM, she also turned to porn to pleasure herself rather than be intimate with me.

So yes, there is a general expectation now that we will be intimate with each other on a regular basis. Yes, there is an expectation now that if she is not in the mood she will make sure I am sexually satisfied regardless...and she is more than fine with that because she says she loves me more than anything, wants a future with me, and my happiness and sexual satisfaction is important to her.

We have a long way to go for R, but I believe that without the sex there would be absolutely no chance. Rejection is no longer an option for both me, and my WSO.

My WSO

Exactly, YOUR WSO is apparently okay with this, but that does not mean that every other WS out there should be okay with this type of ultimatum. I understand that a loving spouse should want to please their partner, but that doesn't mean that I will always be in the mood whenever my H is. Typically, even if I'm not really into it, I don't turn my H down. I rarely say "no", but if I do, I expect that to be okay with him because HE loves ME and wouldn't want to make me do something I really don't want to. I wouldn't want that kind of "love".

[This message edited by frigidfire86 at 9:55 PM, October 12th (Friday)]

Phoenix

You have every right to be pissed as hell over her rejection. Both you and I know you do not want a ROBOT or whatever most of these posters are throwing at you.

You just want to be desired and not rejected over and over again.

But instead, people are telling you it is YOUR fault for not making her feel sexy. It is your fault for expecting too much. You are not a woman so you just don't udnerstand.

Well, I am here to tell you that you are not wrong to feel pissed. She cheated. She rejected you, the marriage, her integrity, and all that for a few words of affirmation and fuck or two.

But brother, as much as you have a right to be pissed, you have to realize you cannot change her. You need to tell her in clear terms that her rejection is selfish and counterproductive to R, but you cannot change someone who just wants others to hurt like she does.

Good luck. I wish I had a clear answer, because what she did was wrong. But if she was capable of empathy and caring, which is needed to fix her selfishness, she would not have screwed another man...

I wonder if she does love being intimate with you on your command. Or if she's too scared to tell you,"Ive had a long day at work. I didnt sleep well last night and Im tired. Maybe tomorrow night?" Because she knows she's not allowed to be to tired.

ETA: My first post on this thread was in answer to Phoenix's first post. The rest were directed at Jesu.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:09 PM, October 12th (Friday)]