SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Well.. I have been reading a lot on SI and this is my first post and I just feel like pouring out my story here. I will try to keep it short.

I met my WGF-turned-WW 6 years back. Both of us never had been in a relationship. OP1 was already a 'good' friend of mine at that time. Both of them became friends (they were not in a relationship). I was also friends with her at this time. A couple of months later, OP1 went off to another city and they continued to be in touch.

Being in the same city, we spent a lot of time together and were beginning to get physical. She started off very honestly and told us that she had feelings for both of us (for about 6 months initially). Her honesty at that time struck me as something I could count upon and I saw her as pretty conservative when it came to physical relationships (for 6 months, we hardly moved any forward than kissing). We are from India and physical relationships before marriage are not really as common as in the west.

At this time, the three of us (and other friends) went on a trip where she was clearly spending more time with OP1 and I was pretty upset. After the trip, OP1 calls me and tells me that he would not be involved with her. I believed him. What an idiot I am! On my D-day, I find out that they kissed and fondled for the first time on that trip.

The next 3 years, our relationship (long distance at times) grew stronger. She wanted to marry (in fact pestered me to marry her so many times), but I was not ready, but we were always together. OP1 also knew this. She stopped talking about OP1 and I thought it was because they had drifted apart. But, as I know now, she stopped talking because she was getting more involved with him. They were never in the same city after the initial period and that led to me think that it was over between them. I was still on good terms with OP1 and talked to him about my relationship also. I never suspected anything. As I know now, all these years, they spoke regularly, did sexting, had phone sex, video sex and met secretly a couple of times.

At this stage (after 3 years), the three of us (with other friends as well) went on another trip and I was satisfied to see that they were not involved. Or maybe I went blind on that trip. All of us got drunk one night and nobody really knew who slept in which room. Surprise, surprise, both of them end up in the same room alone! They did not have sex that night, but did other things. Now, when I look back at that trip, every detail seems so crystal clear that they were much closer than I could ever imagine. How could I not see! It just kills me every time I think about that trip.

Naive and stupid as I was, I proposed to her the month after the trip and she accepted. We got our families on board for the marriage which was a big task (Indians and love marriages do not always go together). Through this period (which was also know to the OP1), both of them were still involved on the phone and video chats.

We got engaged early last year. Both of us were in a physical relationship all these years, but mutually decided to have sex after marriage. After OP1 knew about our engagement, he called my WW and they decided to meet 'one last time'. She flew down to his place for one night exactly one week after the engagement and had sex that night. It was her first time after agreeing with me that it would happen after marriage. I just can't stop crying when I think of it. I feel like the biggest loser ever. Till I found out, she says she did not find it wrong that she had sex with him.

While recalling events, I remember meeting OP1 a few days after this and he was asking me whether I have had sex and do I feel nervous about it now that I am getting married. What a fuckin bastard!! I feel like killing him. He knew what he was talking about. They planned to meet again before marriage, but it did not work out.

Amongst all this drama, enter OP2 (her senior at work). He proposed to her after I had proposed. She refused straight away, but to compensate, she continued to go out with him for dinners/movies without telling me. She started sharing her emotional and work problems with him and started clinging on to him for support. I sensed this and asked her to stay away from OP2, but she did not listen. Eventually, they got physical (kissing and fondling) a couple of months before marriage (OP2 knew about the marriage). She says that she did not like it with him, but still felt obligated to allow him.

When I look back, the period from the proposal upto the marriage was a stressful period and both of us had fights, but I was looking forward to the marriage and beyond. I saw that she was having trouble accepting the marriage and I thought it was because of families, rituals, etc. I tried supporting her a lot during this phase and she agrees that I did support her. But, she just never told me anything and used me as a punching bag for her problems. Maybe it was because she was going through this withdrawal where she would have to break it off with both the assholes.

The period after marriage has been the worst phase of my life. She did not even allow me to touch her upto about a week after marriage. She had already gone too far and built walls and did not want me to come close. We have not had a proper sex life after marriage. We talked very less. We fought and argued a lot.

She continued the emotional affair with both of them. I got a sense of OP2 and confronted her point blank a couple of months after marriage. She said it was nothing, but reduced contact with him. I still had no clue about OP1. Later, I sensed something fishy with OP1, never confronted her directly, but asked a lot of indirect questions and implored her to just tell me the truth about what was bothering her. She still wanted to meet him after marriage, but it did not work out.

However, OP1 visited us for a couple of days a month before D-Day and I was highly suspicious at that time and noticed that they were actually involved. I did not think it was physical upto this point also. I was in a time-warp of 6 years ago that my WW was very conservative. I know now that while I was at work and my wife came home from office and spent time alone with him behind my back. She says they started getting physical, but she snapped out of it mid-way and stopped and he was very upset at missing out. I somehow believe her.

I was getting really concerned and kept on asking her if there was anything she would want to share, but she said nothing. Eventually, I hacked into her e-mail account and found out all the dirty chats and mails. I was absolutely gutted. To think of it, I had her password for the first 4 years and I never ever looked at anything. I trusted her blindly, gave her so much space in our relationship, never thought of straying, fought with my parents to marry her and got this is return.

In her chats with OP1, they called me the SAFE guy. She even said that her fantasy was to cheat on her husband and his fantasy was to cheat with his best friends wife. Yeah, their fantasies did come true at my cost. I was being made fun of. Maybe I deserve this for the trust and faith I placed in her and our relationship. My life is in pieces right now. I do not know if I will ever be able to live, ever be able to trust.

She tells me during one of her confessions that OP1 had made it clear initially that marriage was never on the cards. And she was also convinced that marriage with him would not work. She still continued to do all what she did with him while being in a very stable relationship/marriage.

All the moments spent with her over the years seem so tainted, so rotten that they also do not give me much hope. I do not know where to go, what to do. I devoted the past 6 years to her and I feel miserable about it. I have never even thought about another girl. I was being back-stabbed repeatedly by her and OP1 for 6 years!

I am not sure about my feelings for my WW. At times, I feel like letting it all go and starting afresh. But, the pain and the hurt take over almost immediately and I feel sick thinking of it all. Can a marriage like this which is built on a web of lies and deception is worth salvaging? Does anybody know anything similar where the lie was perpetuated and got bigger through the whole relationship leading into a defunct marriage?

We are still staying together and I will post the current situation and the progress soon.

P.S. OP1 is getting married next month. Should I out him? I feel like going and kicking his bloody ass.

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 1:26 AM, November 29th (Thursday)]

CrappyLife,

I'm sorry you have had to go through this. I know how you feel.

Your wife seems like an extremely selfish person who is concerned only with getting validation from other men. She's vilifying you and demonizing you in her twisted mind to give herself justification for her behavior. That's typical for those with her type of mental issues.

Listen, I don't think there is any point in going into in-depth analysis of this situation so I will just make two points:

1) Know the following as absolute truth: Her adultery/infidelity has NOTHING to do with you or your relationship/marriage. Again, her behavior has NOTHING to do with you or how your relationship with her has been. Sear that into your mind and soul. That is truth.

2) You do not have a "CrappyLife". You simply have a crappy woman and a crappy "friend". Set yourself free from this, please. You are young, have no children together, and, I am assuming, not much as far as mutual assets. Free yourself from these worthless pieces of shit. There is nothing in what you wrote that points to a single redeeming value for ANY of these people. Again, flush these worthless pieces of shit down the toilet. Reconciliation seems pointless, futile, and foolish with someone like this.

There is far far better out there waiting for you. Trust me and believe me.

Hi and welcome. Sorry for the reason you're here, but glad you found us

I see you're staying together. It is very possible to reconcile from this, but only if it's done right. Now that her affairs have been outted, what's she done to change?

I'm all for trying to reconcile when there's some hope, but I see very little, in your case. Your wife sounds like she has never had much respect for you. And your title says it all. The relationship was always built on a lie. I agree with keptmyword -- you're young and don't have kids. Cut your losses and run. You deserve much, much better. And if your community is like that of the Indians I know, outing both your wife and OP1 will provide ample revenge...

Good luck. This is just awful.

CL,

Glad you found this site. You're in the right place, there are some wonderful people here who give great advice. Just remember to take what fits you and leave the rest.

Your first, but not primary, problem is OP1. Don't kick his ass. Out him to his fiancee, let her know what she is marrying, then move on. You and your wife go totally no contact (NC) with him after that. He's a total ass for what he did to you. It will be hard, but put him out of your thoughts as soon as possible, because he isn't your real problem.

Second, your real problem is your WW. She is the one who married you without the intention of ever being faithful. This is all her problem to own. You say you don't know what to do,and that's fine. You don't need to do anything right away. Take a breath and get your feet beneath you. Get legal advice. Think of counseling. It's probably best not to rush into any decisions right now. Only you know what is really in your heart for your wife - it may be that this is a deal breaker, that too much damage has been done to your marriage to correct it. That happens, and sometimes it's better to know that sooner than later so you can end your relationship and begin to live an authentic life. The general rule of thumb is to give it 6 months to a year to sort out your marriage. That's all up to you. If your wife is transparent,honest, gives you all that you want to know, goes no contact with all OP, and commits herself to you, things may turn around. However, if she blames you for any of it, doesn't own the fact that the affairs were all on her, doesn't show remorse, than it's best to just move on.

Last, and I know this is hard too, quit beating yourself up for not trusting your wife. I know it's hard, because I'm still not over the fact that I could have found out, maybe prevented some shit, if I had only snooped and checked up on her. I was a loving, trusting husband, and she used it against me. That isn't my fault - that's hers to own. My WW betrayed me by using my trust against me - just like your WW did. I always thought that I didn't need to check up on my wife, that I could trust her, because I had this naive vision of what marriage was supposed to be. It's not uncommon for the cheating spouse to use trust as the weapon of choice in the betrayal. That isn't your fault, but I understand what you are going through - it's called the "what if's". Easy to say don't concentrate on them, but hard as hell to do in real life.

Digest the advice that people give you, but for now, get some sleep. Make sure you are eating and drinking. Don't let passion consume you. I've found that it's not a good reason for getting into or out of a marriage.

You've been given some good advice. Read in the Healing Library (the yellow box on the left). Do not feel stupid for trusting your wife. She is the stupid one. She destroyed the trust of a good man. She should be ashamed of herself.

As for outing the OP, yes, definitely. Otherwise, the poor woman he is about to marry will be in the same place as you down the road. You know how terrible you feel believing your relationship is based on lies. You can prevent her from feeling the same way (or at least try to). If you have proof, share it so he can't weasel his way out of it. If she goes on to marry him anyway, she can't say she wasn't warned.

I realize the Indian culture may be very different regarding divorce. It is possible to have a happy marriage if she is remorseful and her actions show you that. A new commitment would have to be made and she would actually have to put some effort into building her relationship with you. However, the fact that she very easily develops inappropriate relationships with multiple men at the same time will make that very difficult. As far as trust, well, it's going to be a long time with some serious actions showing she deserves it before you'll trust her. She'll have to deal with the fact that she caused the mistrust you feel.

Best wishes to you.

CL,

Sorry you're here. My concern is this...

Both of us were in a physical relationship all these years, but mutually decided to have sex after marriage. After OP1 knew about our engagement, he called my WW and they decided to meet 'one last time'. They met for one night the week after the engagement and had sex that night. It was her first time after agreeing with me that it would happen after marriage.

...and this...

She even said that her fantasy was to cheat on her husband

...are to me very hostile acts. You clearly did nothing to deserve them, but that isn't the point. The point is that she didn't just cheat, but went about it in a way that was intended to be hurtful in a subversive way. Is she showing regret for getting caught, remorse for your pain or neither at all?

I agree with outing OP1 followed by a NC where you kindly tell him to eff off for the rest of his pathetic life. He seems to lack any conscience or integrity so I doubt it will mean anything to him. You do that for yourself.

In fact from this point forward you need to focus solely on yourself. I typically agree with not making any big decisions for some time. However, given the nature of her A's, how they began before your M and the fact that she has never really been authentic, I would seriously consider getting her our of your home unless she is through her actions showing some monumental remorse. That's not to say you cannot still R, but I don't see how living with...unless she is being remorseful in her actions and supporting your healing...someone who did this can be healthy.

Oh dear God sweetie, what hell you have been through!

I am so so sorry for your pain.

((((Crappylife))))

Personally, I would run. Run fast. Run far far away. Your friendship, marriage, and everything you have known with this woman has all been built on lies. I don't really think there is any way of repairing that, even if she was extremely remorseful.

You are young and have no children. Think seriously about whether or not you want to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, or waiting and wondering whether or not she has 'fixed' her deceptive self.

Have you seen a lawyer? You must find out what your rights are.

Be tested for STD's, and whatever you do, DO NOT HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX! The last thing in the world you need right now is a pregnancy, so be very very careful.

Good luck.

PPGA

Oh dear ....this is so heart breaking and sickening I am sorry you are going through this ....but I want to say something you have done nothing wrong you just trusted the person you love and she has no heart or integrity I come from a very similar culture it's almost identical I am from north Africa ...so I know how it is to be raised and save yourself for marriage god in my country they even wait by the door on the wedding night to see the proof of virginity .....your wife threw all that to the floor ...I can tell you if what you want is R go for it but I know that deep down you will always have the thought that your ww knew another man intimately before you ...shame on her and shame on the other guys !!! You got some good advise up there but the ultimate desision is yours ....

Hi Crappylife

Sorry to find you here. It is a real s***!!!!

Just a couple of points first.

1. It is not YOUR fault this happened. It is her fault

2. Marriage is built on TRUST. If you can not trust your wife then who can you trust.

3. Marriage requires BOTH parties working on it. It can not be 1 or 11/2 people it must be both

4. Do not blame yourself.You are not an idiot. You went into the marriage trusting and wanting to make it work. She obviously didn't.

What you do from here is your choice and no body else's. There 3 questions I would ask myself is;

1. is this the way you want to spend your life?

2. do I want go through this crap if there were children involved?

3. do I want to waste my time trying to save all this?

Like others, if I was in your place I would cut my loses, run and run fast. I would be temped not to even say goodbye.

You deserve better.

Would I tell OP1 fianance? I think she needs to know what she is getting into

I share Brandon's concern. That seems particularly calculated. It seems as though your WW saw you as someone who would be a good support while she lived a different life.

I am hesitant to give advice, because there are no kids involved and I usually believe that is a good reason to cut your losses, but I suspect that given your family's hesitation to accept the marriage, it probably makes it hard to think about telling them you're splitting.

However, I will say his, DO NOT commit to anything until she has had some IC and begun to work on herself.

As for OP1, definitely tell his fiancée. She has probably been lied to as well, and he sounds like a complete POS.

You are not a loser. You sound like a really good person and th fact that your WW has taken advantage of your decency says lots about her, not you.

(((CrappyLife)))

Welcome to the club no one wants to join. I am sorry you are here. Some good advice has been given. definitely check out the healing library and keep posting, venting, whatever you need to get through this.

First thing first...this is not your fault and you did nothing wrong! Keep reading this over and over. Your WW is the one that committed adultery and is wrong. you are not at fault. You are the one that stayed committed and did the things you agreed to in your vows.

You need to make sure you take care of yourself. This is going to be a very traumatic time for you. It does get better though even if it feels ike it never will. You are young and have your entire life ahead of you. If you choose to work on this it will be extremely hard and you can't do it by yourself.

Please get tested for STD's asap. Set up a meeting with a lawyer so you can figure otu your rights.

Also tell the other man's fiance immediately. She deserves to know what kind of person she is planning on spending her life with. Don't tell your W or the OM that you are going to expose him.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:25 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)]

Thanks for your replies. It just feels good to know that there are people out there who care. I have read your thoughts and as a lot of you have suggested, I also thought the situation could not be salvaged and wanted to just run away. No children, no mutual assets, etc. Yes, its relatively easy. I felt like leaving everything behind and just walking off, but somehow just stayed put.

As cdnmommy said, coming from India, a big concern was the humiliation it would cause to both set of parents, especially given that I fought with them for a love marriage. Yes, I am still concerned about her parents as well. They did no wrong.

I stayed put and thought of just gathering my own thoughts for a few days before taking any major decisions. I had this urge to know everything that happened. I wanted to see her reaction and what she thought about the whole mess.

In short, she has told me everything, is reading a lot on the net and is trying to change a lot of things about her. I can see all that. But, I am still not sure I want to live with all the pain for life. I keep asking myself whether it is worth spending the next few years undoing the damage for no fault of mine. I do not think I have the time and energy to salvage something like this. I have also analyzed and still keep on looking for reasons.

I will post the post D-Day details soon.

As for the OP1, I am certainly thinking of outing him.

As for the OP1, I am certainly thinking of outing him

Don't take this the wrong way. Please out him to his fiance. I don't even have to say put yourself in her shoes. You were in her shoes. Imagine if someone had the decency to tell you what your W was doing behind your back before you got married. you could have made an informed decision then, instead of being lied to and decieved for years. Life could be so different for you right now. It could have saved you all this grief. And you could have found someone that loved and respected you the way you should be.

If you don't tell, then this woman is likely headed down the same path you are on today. She deserves to know.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:54 AM, November 28th (Wednesday)]

Just remember, you do not have to make a permanent decision now. You can decide to stay and try to work it out, but you can change your mind at any time if you feel you can't heal while with her. She entered the marriage lying to you. That is not easy to get over.

By the way, I have two friends who ended relationships they had to fight their parents to support. Both from cultures where arranged marriages are the norm. One divorced, the other ended his engagement. In both cases, their families supported them. I know you don't want to hurt your families, but this is your life, and you deserve to be in an authentic relationship with someone who respects you.

Maybe you can still have that with your WW, but IMO it is too early to tell. Take your time.

coming from India, a big concern was the humiliation it would cause to both set of parents

I don't know your parents, but if you were my son and knowing what you have going through, I would fully support you and f*** the humiliation.

If they knew truth and the hurt, what would be their reaction?

i don't usually say this, but I would RUN LIKE HELL....you are young and do not have kids....RUN!

other than that...I wish you luck .

The story after D-Day -

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=478966

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 3:14 PM, November 29th (Thursday)]

I don't know your parents, but if you were my son and knowing what you have going through, I would fully support you and f*** the humiliation.

If they knew truth and the hurt, what would be their reaction?

I hope my parents react like you are if I ever have to face up and tell them. I fought for nearly 3 years at home to get married to WW. I told them at one point that I would not marry if not for this girl. The most disturbing aspect is that WW knew about my struggles at home. In fact, it was a struggle for her also to convince her folks!

Maybe she also never wanted to let go of me like the others. Just that I was stupid enough to marry her!

[This message edited by CrappyLife at 8:41 AM, November 30th (Friday)]