First, I can't thank you all enough for the care and concern you've shown.
Second... yesterday I was yelling at her, telling her basically to get her head out of her ass, drop this pretend relationship, work on herself, work on her marriage, come home, and stop being an idiot. She said "Okay." That's when I knew I was dreaming, and I woke up angry.
Spent most of the day writing a letter, which I haven't sent her yet, partly because I'm afraid that if I don't tie her to a chair and gag her to prevent interruption, she won't hear me at all, and she certainly would have the option of tossing a letter as soon as she saw something she didn't like. Nevertheless, here's the gist -- I just wanted to sound you out:
* I’m not enthusiastic about being with a woman who shows so little regard or respect for our marriage, our son, our home, and, especially, me. I am, in your words, “not a priority.”
* You said you’re “prepared to accept the consequences of the risks” you’re taking, but you’re not, and you won’t understand what you’ve lost until well after you’ve lost it.
* You said, “I may be making the biggest mistake of my life.” Well, yes: you are. You have fucked up hugely.
* I deserve better than to be cheated on and discarded. I deserve better than to be taken for granted and not to be communicated with. I deserve better than to have my life turned upside-down and ruined because of the problems you’ve carried with you all your life.
* Your recent choices and actions are cowardly, far more so than I ever thought possible from you.
* I did nothing to push you into this affair. I did nothing to push you out of our marriage. Your failure to communicate meaningfully with me, your unwillingness to believe in me, and your apparent belief that I was supposed to be your father substitute and savior are the culprits.
*Get your head together in therapy, where you need to explore your awful upbringing and incompetent parents, and how that affected you.
* Stop looking at others -- me, “H,” whoever -- to “take you away from all this.” Stop moaning about life not turning out the way you expected hardly anybody’s does.
* Deal with your own shit including and especially your lymphoma.
* Your indifference toward me and my feelings has been amplified by your decision to stop wearing your wedding ring and your utterly classless decision to have “H” drive you to our counseling session. And that’s not only indifference -- that’s contempt. That’s you rubbing my nose in all this. And I have done nothing to earn your contempt. You are treating me like shit.
* You’re heading toward a cliff, but you won’t know it until you’ve gone over the edge.
* I will love you forever, but I will not be your Plan B. If somehow you decide to come back to me, it has to be me that you’re coming back to, and our marriage; not “Well, he’ll just be so happy that I’m back with him that he’ll completely kowtow, and he’ll always be ready in case I ever get horny enough, so he’ll do for now.”
* You are not welcome in my home anymore without either our son or me in attendance, or until you choose to call it your home again as well.
* You said you had felt as though you must be “the lucky one.” You’re right: you are the lucky one, because in me you have a husband who is loving, faithful, principled, kind, good to you, a generous lover, devoted to you, and thankful for you. That’s what you have. That’s what you’re throwing away. You’re being a fool.
I spent last night in the company of people -- a family I've known for 35 years -- who, unanimously, kept telling me "it's all her" and "she's gone off the deep end," and that there really is nothing I can do except let it play out; but that maybe I'm being released from prison, just as she thinks *she* is; and that whatever happens, I'll get through it. Obviously it doesn't *feel* like I will, but I know they're right. (Two of the women lost marriages to affairs -- husbands totally lost their minds -- and they're in happy relationships now, so hey, it could happen.)
