Shockleader:
How much more selfish and cold-hearted could these cheaters be than to throw this infidelity shit on kids at an age that they are so vulnerable?
Excellent call.
I'm not sure my son realizes that his mother is having an affair -- I certainly haven't said so -- but he's a sharp guy, and he's probably figured it out. He sees how miserable and angry I am, and he had to be acutely aware of how tense it was at my mom's -- no small part because of my dad's death a month ago, but just the way people were speaking to *me* -- you know, kind of coddling -- had to be kind of an indication. Also, we spent about two hours at the home of friends who've known me for 35 years; they kept coming up to me, telling me to hang in there and/or "move on," and my son certainly was hearing *that*. So I think he at least suspects that his mother is boinking someone other than his father, and that very notion must be horrific. (I don't know how that would feel. My parents were happily married for 62 years, and neither of them ever worried in the slightest that the other might stray.)
My DD is just becoming a women, as your son is becoming a man, and what role model does she/he have in their moms now? My DD is so angry with her, feels totally abandoned, and tells me how she is so different, is always sad and told me she had thoughts of suicide.
Wow... I'm so sorry to hear that. My son expressed similar thoughts -- but, like both of his parents, said that he could never actually hurt himself or someone else (regardless of the mayhem his father wants to visit on a certain asshole...).
My son was in a special ed program from fifth grade through twelfth -- diagnosed variously with ADHD, bipolar disorder, and Asperger's syndrome. I don't know what's correct and what isn't, since so many of the symptoms overlap. He's very intelligent and has a great sense of humor, and he benefited greatly from his high school program. He's got more on the ball than either of his parents, but he's still, as he says, kind of behind the curve in terms of maturity and emotional development. While I think that's true in some ways, I also think he's way more mature than either of us at his age, and certainly more mature than his mother is *now*. But what I'm getting at is, yeah, he's 18, but he's also sort of *not* 18. This is really throwing him for a loop.
Spoke with his shrink from his high school days, who is always very interested in what's going on with him. She couldn't help much, being out of state on vacation, but she'll try and get with him once she's back. He has to get this all off his chest somehow, and I just want to find a healthy way for him to do it. It's damn near unbearable to see how he's feeling.
Her once A and B grades are C and some D, right when they need to be the best for college. I try and tutor her, but during tests she just isn't doing it. Maybe your son can receive some low/no cost counseling to help him? My DD is seeing a therapist that she likes, and it is helping her.
Whomever he ends up seeing, I hope it's someone he can open up to. This is something he has trouble doing with his mom and me -- of course; I mean, *I* sure didn't open up to *my* parents at 18 -- and the idea of him keeping it all in really worries me. I'm glad, though, that your daughter is seeing someone who seems helpful.
My STBXWW response to her when she tried to tell mom how she felt was "I don't see how this effects you so much"... Can you fucking believe that?
Again... wow. Talk about head-up-ass. As with my wife, one can only hope that yours will start to realize that part of taking care of oneself entails taking care of one's children -- however old they might be.
But your wife's right: She *doesn't* see how this affects your daughter so much. Like my wife, she can't see more than a couple inches past her nose, like a dolphin. All she sees is "me me me," as well as the Other Man, to the extent that he's about "she she she." It's fucking criminal. (And it used to *be* a criminal offense to have an affair. Whoever decided to decriminalize it should rot in hell.)
D starts to cry convulsively, and at that moment it was as close as I have every come to physically abusing a women. When I need motivation to guide me through the tough patches, this memory pulls me through, and maybe your unkind WW actions can do the same for you.
As I've mentioned, I was mostly unable to find the words for how upsetting it was to see her without her ring. Since then I've considered taking mine off as well, but that seems like it would mostly be spiteful. I don't know.
But when she said in our session that fixing our marriage wasn't "a priority," I wanted to punch her. I really did. Haven't punched anybody since I was a kid, but I really wanted to break that streak.
Keep sticking to what is right, and prepare for a lot more crap in the future... Man hugs to ya Smoky!
Thanks so much. Believe me, everybody, this support means so much.
Later today -- since neither of us can afford a lawyer -- I'm probably going to pick up a divorce "how-to" book. It feels awful even thinking that, but if I wait for her to file, it feels as though I'd be completely relinquishing any power I could possibly have left.
More than anything, I still want her back, want to work on our marriage -- and for *both* of us to voice our needs and dissatisfaction -- but I've almost given up hope.
