SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Heya folks,

So R has been going really well, husband is remorseful and incredibly supportive. But of course the roller coaster has to sneak in another curve ball...

Problem I have now is that after we have sex I have started to get this overwhelming feeling of sadness. To make things worse it seems that the better or more intense the orgasm, the worse the wave of grief and sadness is that comes a minute or so later. It's so awful I am actually nervous about getting intimate now because I am scared of experiencing the sadness after. If I could put words to describe it, it would be intense grief or loss, as if I just showed up to a car accident scene and found out wh was dead. Gah!!!! And as I said the better the orgasm the worse the sadness. It is so frustrating because I truly am enjoying the sex incredibly, I feel closer and more loved than ever, so what is up with this. D*mn can't ANY of this be easy, or at least not mindfuddlingly difficult!!!

If anyone has any insight or advice on this it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks

L

Hi, this is a pretty interesting reaction you are having I think. As a male BS I usually have the feeling that I do not satisfy my WS. I am satisfied by her almost 100% yet I have had some feelings of sadness after sex, usually when I get images of her being with the OM. She says it never meant anything and she only allowed it as exchange for the attention and listening that he did, but sometimes it is all hard to swallow. I feel your pain and I am finding out that NO none of this can be easy. The sooner we realize that the sooner we heal. Have you ever discussed the pleasure in your WS sexual experiences with the OW? Could it be that the more he satisfies you, the more you feel that he satisfied the OW and so it makes you sad about it? In a male's case I think it is the opposite because we tend to be so concerned about "our" performance. I guess I feel sad because I get the feeling someone else pleasured my wife (even though she claims that she never felt pleasure) and you feel sad because your husband pleasured another woman. Could that be it?

I went through some of this too. I think for me, the intimate sharing and closeness that leads up to orgasm is an intense time of trust, love, and release (both physical and emotional). It's a time of physical and emotional vulnerability, as well. When all of those factors combine, it's quite powerful and my emotional "guards" come down and everything sort of comes in unfiltered; that includes love, commitment, joy, sorrow, regret, loss, etc. Sometimes I just felt so sad to experience such vivid closeness and harmony with my H, only to realize how carelessly and tragically he once threw it away...like he recklessly shredded so much of our potential. I still can have a moment just as you have described, but after a few years, it doesn't occur very often, and lovemaking is safely intimate and emotional.

I am a BH and I too cry after and during orgasm. It scares me. It's not the type of thing that makes me feel good about myself or the prospect of making love to my WW. I have come to the conclusion that I cry because I truly believed that making love to my wife was something special and exclusive and intimate. But now that I know she gave it all away to someone else, I cry because I know it doesn't mean the same thing to her as it did or does to me. I cry because I know I was not that special to her, or worse, it was that special and she still shared it with him. Either way it hurts. The intimacy has died and though I want it back I feel like it was all a lie so how can I ever get it back. That's sad. That's why I cry. I have shunned away from sex with my WW because of the pain of it. I hope you heal. I hope we all heal.

Beyond Betrayal, that was well explained and I completely empathize with you. Just knowing (but not really knowing the details) that they did certain things together makes me feel less special to him now that he did THAT to the "ManLooking Cumbucket". I am almost jealous that she got to have him when I didn't. That's really sick of me to think that way, isn't it? She took (and he gave away) what I thought was mine, and mine alone. Not so much anymore, huh?

This happened to me a few times, and I think that I felt so close to h after, and it makes me sad because I always felt this way toward him. I have loved him with all of my being for the past 15 years and it hits me that he hasn't loved me like that until Dday. Also, I always felt that we had something special and I was wrong. So, in the moment after orgasm, it just hits me like a ton of bricks!

I have had that happen. I think it is the juxtaposition of the closeness and lowering of walls you just experienced, vs. the reality you have to come back to. How are things in your R otherwise?

I don't know if I have a solution of any kind. Mine just kind of went away as things settled down.

I do that, too. It's mourning the loss, I think. I don't know, it freaks me out, too.

This actually makes a lot of sense to me. If you think about it physiologically, orgasm is the release you get after the intense stimulation and buildup of sex. The body and mind/emotions are so much more connected than we give them credit for. Perhaps the crying you experience is an emotional release because your body has just experienced physical release? The other day my car broke down in a left turn lane, and my cell phone was dead. I had to run through lanes of traffic to get to the corner market to use their phone. Because I was so stressed out about my car, as I was running I tripped and fell. It didn't hurt much, but suddenly I couldn't stop crying. The physical signal of pain to the brain seemed to allow me to release my stress/emotions about my car. Maybe your physical release is allowing your emotional release. I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing, unless it continues indefinitely.

I cried before/during/after sex in the early months. Then things got better in that department. Around 2 1/2 years out, the crying came back. Why? I'm not sure. I think a lot of the replies here are probably on the right track.

It makes my FWH feel bad and I try to hide it sometimes. Sometimes I don't. Oh well...just another step to muddle through I guess.

The same thing happens to me, only I begin to shake uncontrollably before the tears come. It is to the point that fWH doesn't want to even try to initiate intimacy because of my emotional breakdown afterward.

I am sure that over time it will lessen. At least I hope so. He cheated on me over less, why would he stick around for this? He doesn't feel that way, but it's what goes thru my mind anyway.

..happened many times to both of us..

..highly emotional/physical reaction and release.. easing stress and pain from the A..

..certainly an emotional breakdown of sorts.. a release of 'system overload' ..

I wouldn't call it a bad thing..more a deep emotional response.

i'd say it's healthy to let it all out..

smy

Oh, crap, yeah, I did this. It was visceral and unplanned and unconscious. And totally devastating. In spite of all our problems, the sex always great, but after, I'd dissolve.

[This message edited by lynnm1947 at 8:18 PM, January 16th (Wednesday)]

YES! I still do that. I've come to determined it's a sadness for the loss of exclusivity we had to this special act that my WS gave to someone else.

When I feel it, I let it happen and I tell my WS spouse what I'm feeling and why. No accusations, just my feelings and worries. He already knows he's an ass I don't need to remind him. I just need him to make me feel better after he destroyed my world.

Just express your feelings, he needs to know. You have nothing to be worried or ashamed about!

I've actually cried after orgasm my whole life. With multiple partners (not at the same time, wink wink).

The crying after orgasm doesn't happen all the time. In our marriage (before D-Day), it seems that it came in "chunks" - for a few weeks, every orgasm would make me cry. And then it wouldn't happen for months. I always attributed it to hormonal stuff. And, yes, orgasm is just such a release that the tears just came. They weren't sad or happy. They just were. It was actually a relief to cry sometimes. Very cleansing. Very intimate. My WH was always really lovely about it. I don't suppress my emotions so I have not a clue why this happened.

It has happened since D-Day, too. People have already hit the nail on the head in terms of why it might happen emotionally. But I just wanted to share my experience with long-term issues with crying after the big O.

I do it sometimes too. I imagine it's because sex is meant to be such an intimate special thing between each other and instead it was given to someone else as if it was nothing more then an everyday item.

Yup, I experience this too. I find the sex better now than ever before, but afterwards I feel so sad As you described, the feeling is genuine grief. Horrible.

What I find helps is if we talk immediately after sex, instead of lying there quietly like we used to. That way my mind doesn't have a chance to wander to the OW and make me sad. When I say talk I don't mean "ok what have you got planned for tomorrow? Anything you need from the store?" kind of conversation! More intimate, loving kind of talk... that has definitely helped me. fWH knows about these feelings I have, so he also makes an effort to talk softly to me afterwards and it's becoming a lovely bonding time for us.

GreenEyeGirl, There is no name calling in the reconciliation forum. Please read the forum description.

Hi all,

Thank you so much for the replies, it's comforting to know I'm not alone in this reaction/symptom, and that it is surmountable even if the only fix is that dreaded four letter word time.

Last night I intentionally kept things light and fun in bed and then after immediately jumped out of bed to go watch tv for a bit in living room, Wh was left totally confused as I insisted he go to sleep.

Now that I 've had the chance to read all your replies I have some much better ideas on how to manage this, hopefully!

[This message edited by Louise2011 at 9:56 AM, January 17th (Thursday)]

Im a WS and I sometimes cry after an orgasm because to me sex was always when we were emotionally closest, where we shared the most with each other and I didnt cherish it enough. I cry now because I know I ruined it and we dont get to be that anymore.