SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I want to address two specific points in your original post:

I have been unemployed and working on a financial trading application, which had about 4 more months to go before I can turn it on.

OK – I’m going to assume you are unemployed because you lost your last job. If I’m off-base then ignore the rest per se but anyway…

Our careers and employment tends to be a major factor in our lives. For many it defines so much; our social status, our circle of acquaintances and friends, our earning potential, our ability to provide… The list goes on and on. So losing a job can be a major trauma, even possibly the largest trauma you have experienced until your WW affair.

In the economy as it has been in the last couple of years then way too many people have had to deal with a job-loss. The positive on this is that it’s happening to all – it’s not the infective, the lazy, the limited… it’s anyone and everyone. So any stigma you might have about losing a job has to be reevaluated. You can’t base it on your old values simply because they don’t apply.

What could be an issue is that you and your WW have to be on track on what you DO after losing your job. She has to be on board with your software development. She has to accept that you work from home and the work-load has to reflect that, as well as financial obligations. Heck – you might even deliver pizzas at night or get a part-time job to contribute financially if the financial trading application plus your household and family obligations is not taking all your time. You might decide to draw out the development time to get some income from a side-job. Or you and WW could jointly decide the software is a good and feasible idea and that she is OK with you spending this time developing it because the pay-off will come soon.

The main and major thing is that you are both on the same track.

In fact – as a stakeholder your WW should be getting progress reports.

Do this and your WW can’t hold your present situation and income against you. It’s a joint decision, it’s a commitment. Sort of like if one spouse decides to be a SAHS without an income, or works on his/her own company with variable or no income. If she doesn’t accept you being home doing this project then MAYBE you do need to find a job and do this in your free time. If that’s the case then the type of job you get should be irrelevant because it’s only temporary until you get the software developed.

And the job loss alone is good reason to get mild anti-depressants. Add the infidelity and brother – I hope you make an appointment with your MD ASAP. Get all the help you can.

Exercise has been mentioned. If you don’t exercise then make sure you add an hours walk to your schedule daily from now on. It will do you immense good.

The other point:

my W is a bisexual, we had a 3 way before we were married, and expresses interest in women a lot. which i told her is ok, as long as i knew and can say no if i want.

OK – So why are you OK if it’s a woman but not if it’s a man? Isn’t infidelity infidelity?

Look – you can have an open marriage. Not my scene but that’s OK. In an open marriage there are rules that both parties adhere to. So in a sense you had an open marriage with this rule: WW could have sex with women with your approval.

But the danger with open marriages is that a clear line becomes blurred. And it being a woman rather than a man… Well – my wife is blond but let’s say I was really into brunettes too. I would probably get castrated if I asked wife if I could have sex with other women but only if they were brunettes. THAT is the license you gave your wife: You can have sex with other people but only if they are women. Be very careful about this – I suggest that IF you reconcile you strongly advocate at least a period of monogamy before opening up to other participants in sex, male or female.

Like I say; Open marriages are not what I am into, however many people are OK with them. What seems to define a successful open marriage is first and foremost a STRONG base. We have had numerous cases here on SI where the infidelity starts in an open marriage, simply because the rules in place are not adhered to. IMHO your marriage, you and your wife are nowhere near strong enough to warrant even the thought of an open marriage.

Thanks all very much for posting here.

Well, yesterday I spent the whole day in the hospital, std testing, and got prescription for wellbutrin, antidepressant. it is actually starting to work, i feel it slightly only after 2 days. Bigger, your right again i think i should have picked that up right after i lost my contract (i owned a software company for 11 years, and lost my major contract in APR)

also, i am going to buffalo with my daughter for easter, without the WW. I told her i just want to get away from you. she withdrew from me even more, i think it is very painful for her, which actually i dont really think i should be concerned with, but i still am. last night she did not hug me, and detached from me about the whole thing. but this morning we did have sex, fairly unfulfilling, i think the sex has more to do with the wellbutrin, more than anything, it is one of the only AD that enhances sexual function.

Bigger: yes, your right on a lot of those things, and I did make attempts to get her buy-in, to me developing my system, but she just had no faith in me,no belief, and did not support my goals at all. this was actually a very big thing in her eyes, an "unemployed husband". i even made up a project plan for her, and when she realized it would be at least 4 months of development work, she got even more upset. it didnt make much sense to me, if it does work, which all signs are pointing to yes, it would bring in substantial income, for the whole family, and our lives would change for the better drastically. I actually feel that this is what "drove" her into the arms of another man, along with other communication issues we were having. but i feel that giving herself to another man was really unfair to me.

and in terms of the bisexuality, we were pretty clear on the boundaries, and i was ok with them as they were. but i think your right, we should reevaluate them. I actually dont know of any times she was actually with another woman, she said no a while ago, but i dont believe her as far as i can toss her.

also, the guy was 34, good looking, which is another thing that hit me, i am 43, now i feel like the old man. i keep telling her to go back with him if she wants, and she says he is leaving his work, and they dont really talk at work, and says he barely says hi to her at the office. i am thinking, why didnt you say "i dont even want to say hi to him at the office", which indicates her willingness for NC, now it seems like he is the one for NC.

I actually feel that this is what "drove" her into the arms of another man, along with other communication issues we were having.

Bullshit meter just pegged! Keep repeating no matter what happenend in my life, situation, or anything else...nothing you did contributed to her choosing to have an affair. If the situation were reversed and she lost her job would you have had an A? The answer to that is likely NO. So what is broken in her that her answer was yes? My point is the job loss is or would be another excuse that either she has told you or you have floating in your head. People lose their jobs all over the country every day. That is a time to pull closer together as a fmaily and focus on next steps not go out and have an A.

This wasn't a 2X4, just wanted to remind you again that no matter what your WW is 100% responsible for the A.

Also if OM is married you should tell his Wife. As for the OM comparisons, you will probably do this for awhile but don't get stuck on OM. He is literally a nobody that is rotten and stinking on the inside.

Focus on you, exercise, detach, and spend time doing things you want to do for you and your kids. Get that 180 going and detach.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 8:47 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

Posted answer to another thread here... Will check in again soon!

[This message edited by Bigger at 10:04 AM, March 27th (Wednesday)]

Destroyed,

Like most of us you probably read other threads than yours. See one called Afraid to dream? That guy is getting more or less the same tripe from his wife that you are getting. What’s posted there applies to you.