SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you.....(can't remember the rest exactly)

"Make sure you changed the locks."

Well said as always Bigger.

Printout bigger's post and reread it several times. If this shitstorm was a AP calculus test Bigger just gave you a copy of the cheatsheet.

As a fellow betrayed husband I and many others received similar advice when we got here soon after our dday's and we either wouldn't or couldn't follow that advice. Fear is very powerful but don't let it control you. At the end of the day you can take back control of your life now and save yoruself months or years of agony that can be avoided by just following the advice you were just given. It will not be easy to follow but it is VERY ACCURATE advice.

Did I follow it when I got here, NOPE, but looking back I wish I had. Would I still have ended up in divorce, YES, because my wayward wife was unremorseful and couldn't change. If I had followed that advice then I would have discovered that my WW could not change almost 2 years ago and would have saved myself 1.5 years of additional pain when I could have been on the way to healing 1.5 years earlier.

I and others are proof that the long path gets you there as well but it does suck and it takes so much more out of you. I wish you the best.

I know exactly how you feel but just take it one day at a time, one breath at a time. Things will get better. It will take time and sometimes time is not enough. I hate that you're going thru this cause it hurts like MF!!!

Don't make any quick decisions, don't do anything crazy, just slow it down. Look at the positive and focus on that.

I had the same shit happen to me and I depend on her income so I'm still stuck here.

All,

thanks so much for your responses, i read all with great anticipation. the advice i receive here is actually proving to be more valuable than IC.

So today I went to IC, just talked, some viewpoints given to me, but it all really feels like bullsh*t.

and last night, i did say, with sincerity for my WW that she is free go to the OM. she said no, im crazy, and she wants to work it out. but i feel that may be because the OM decided to try to work things out with his fiance.

my WW told me today that she wants to work on her problems and become a better wife, and go to a counselor. i dont know what the F that means. i practically begged her to go to a counselor before this. is this what the price is ? ok, i will go to counselor, but i am going to F this hot guy first, not you- you loser.

Right now, i am feeling major major problems of inadequacy. I just simply feel inferior to most men i guess, but completely inferior to him. I see his pictures, and he looks like a very sexy, clean cut, guy. and he made my WW feel very "special", she said she just went to him because she wanted something "beautiful", she said she liked his "energy".

i am actually regressing at this point, I just cant help but feel like an ugly, insecure, broke loser. in reality, before this happened i would be fine being in a room where he was, and feel fine about myself, not thinking about a comparison at all. but now, i just feel completely worthless. it feels like we went to battle and he beat me with his fists, then stabbed me with his sword, stood on my head and can scream "I am Superior in every way to this Man."

i am really regressing badly today i guess.

1. Eat

2. Sleep

3. Drink lots of water

There is one aspect of infidelity that is totally 100% true:

It’s NEVER about the OP.

OK… There might be the exception. If your wife had fallen for Brad Pitt or George Clooney then MAYBE the fact it was them would be a factor BUT even then it’s more the kick that these specific guys would give her the time of day that’s the clincher.

So your WW did not have an affair with OM because he’s so much better than you. In fact – on a moral compass we know he isn’t. She didn’t know about his sexual abilities, penis size, tantric love abilities or ANYTHING like that until AFTER she decided to cross that line. In fact we know that his best was at best 60% of good enough by his own admission…

She had an affair with him because he was AVAILABLE. That’s it. So if you feel inadequate to him… well Sir – you are using a mighty short measure.

The OM is shit. He’s irrelevant. He’s a nobody. He’s not worth your spit.

Your emotions are normal. You and only you can make yourself feel better. Eat, drink, exercise and remember that YOU are morally superior in this situation.

The toll on our self esteem when our wives cheat can cut very deep. I feel for what you are going through. Its easy to say because he's a lying sack of shit for hooking up with your wife, you are so much better than him. But I know it still hurts. I hope that you'll soon come to find your confidence again and realize the OM is a not worth any more time in your mind. You'll get there and you will get through this.

The OM is shit. He’s irrelevant. He’s a nobody. He’s not worth your spit.

^^^ This!

"Make sure you changed the locks." ..

i actually had my first small smile in 14 days, thanks.

[This message edited by destroyedman at 6:21 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

thanks everyone, and bigger.

Chiming in a little late here just to say that that post from Bigger is probably the most clear, succinct, and accurate summations of both the situation BS's find themselves in post Dday and the best possible path to follow going forward from there, that I have read to date.

Seriously, BRA-fucking-VO man!

I make a motion that, going forward, all new BH's must be forced to have that shit tattooed on the insides of their eyelids.

All kidding aside destroyedman, if you can actually manage to internalize and follow the advice bigger just gave you I promise you will have a better than average shot of making it through this shit storm in one piece.

Strength and healing to you brother.

HT

p.s. Come down and visit us in the I can relate betrayed men's forum sometime. The water's fine and the support is even finer.

I just wanted to echo that if I had listened to Bigger (and others but Bigger seems to have a unique talent for laying out a clear path) when I first started here rather than wallowing in misery and false hope for a few months, I would be a few months ahead in my healing.

Some people will chime in and tell you to wait a few months before making any life changing decisions because you're in shock. I say fuck that. File for divorce, see how she reacts and then make your choices from a position of strength. In my signature, I quote Sun Tzu. I believe in that quote whole heartedly. You are the most powerful person in your own life and whether the battle leafs to the salvation of your marriage or the start of an awesome new life, you need to be the one operating from a position of power.

A lot in this post is probably gping to fall under "easier to give advice than to follow it." (for me).

I just simply feel inferior to most men i guess, but completely inferior to him

Don't let yourself feel like this. You're already a better person for tge simple fact you didn't sleep with another man's wife. You have a higher moral standard than him and he's not worth the skin he's wrapped in. Im going to repeat myself, you're better than him.

I just cant help but feel like an ugly, insecure, broke loser

Yup, I understand this one all to well. Some women always carry some insecurities about their outward appearance. We're bombarded with images of what is supposed to beautiful and when we fall short we take it to heart. Before infidelity some women just feel insecure when they catch boyfriends/husbands checking out other women, we think "she has everything I don't have and now he's looking, great!" After infidelity it's worse because our worst fears have just come to life.

I feel the same way you stated. I'm not pretty enough, thin enough, my chest isn't big enough, my butt isn't tight enough. I'm just not enough. No matter what I do this is how I'll look and it's not good enough for him. I have no job etc... Loser with a capital "L". I see who he looks at, and I fall short every time. It seems most men want the Victoria Secret model.

But you know what? Sexy is a state of mind. You could take the most attractive man or women and listen to them say the most ugly things and that makes them ugly. Then you can take someone who, by society's standard, is average looking, and they can be the most compassionate person around and that makes the sexy.

It's not what's on the outside, it's the inside that matters.

You think you can't hold a candle to thus man, but in reality, he can't hold a candle to you. From your posts I can tell you are kind, compassionate, driven, you possess a depth of feeling that some people never experience. Never feel inferior, insecure, ugly, or a loser. Because the reality is, you're not.

Now, I'm going to have myself a good cry.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 8:22 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you.....(can't remember the rest exactly)

"Make sure you changed the locks."

Baahahahahaha, @StillGoing that was absolutely hilarious. Made my day, or whatever is left of it.

The original hoax is:

If You Love Someone, Set Them Free. If They Come Back They’re Yours; If they don't, they never were.

In these times:

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, make sure you changed the locks. If they don't, change them anyway just in case.

[This message edited by Happydays at 11:12 PM, March 25th (Monday)]

he's not worth the skin he's wrapped in.

Nice way to put it simplydevastated, great sentiment and post too.

How are you doing today DM? Take it one day at a time. It's going to feel like a huge weight on you for awhile but IT DOES GET BETTER!

In the beginning I could not eat so I bought some protein shakes, it's easier to force yourself to drink the shakes then eat in the beginning. This shit will dominate your thoughts for awhile as well. Try to force yourself to do something everyday. I made lists in the beginning of things I could do that didn't take very long and some that took a long time. Then I would start on the small tasks and try to get a few knocked out and if I did that okay I would move on to the larger tasks.

Exercise everyday even if it's just a walk, jog, bike ride, anything to keep you active. It will serve you well after the shock wears off to have an outlet for the anger, nervous energy, just general blahness.

Also as far as other man is concerned, F.T.G. or FUCK THAT GUY. If it wasn't him it would have been someone else. Your Wayward Wife (WW) is the one that made the vows to you not him. She had choices and now she has to own her choices and the associated consequences.

Keep posting man and keep reading, it really does help.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:13 PM, March 26th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by JWolfPDX at 2:08 PM, August 24th (Saturday)]

Destroyedman,

Sorry and welcome,

I too am glad you found this place so early in the R. I found it a week ago and prior to that stumbled around blindly for 6months. This place and the library will help you heal and answer so many questions. Take2 your words are spot on. "Her gap - is personal. Why doesn't she have "the line you don't cross"? Why were her boundaries so loose? Why is she entitled to break her vows when things get hard? What was she getting out of the A that she couldn't get in the M? Ego stroking? What makes her so special that she gets to do what she wants while you suffer the consequences?" Don't let her destroy you. You are strong(you didn't have an affair). You have high moral values and integrity. You can and should hold your head high in front of your daughter. Take care of your physical self. The rest will take a lot longer. It sucks, so sorry. The first thing I would have done differently. Initiated NC. If you have access to the phone and comp, block his calls and number. Help protect your wife from her stupid self in case you decide to save the marriage. Doing that may prevent further damage. Toss any "toxic" friends that knew about the affair and helped support it. Even if she wants to keep them, it is time for her to put you first. Don't hide the affair from anyone you feel can help you. She at this point has no rights or deserves to be treated so her respect remains in-tack till she feels complete remorse.

i just feel completely worthless. it feels like we went to battle and he beat me with his fists, then stabbed me with his sword, stood on my head and can scream "I am Superior in every way to this Man."

No, no, and fucking no!

It is NOT this at all.

Rather, it's like this:

Your morally-challenged WW saw an Olympic-sized pool full of shit-laden sewage and, for the attention, decided to take a swan-dive into it. The also-immoral affair guy saw her wading in the pool of shit and figured if she's stupid enough to swim in shit then she's probably stupid and broken enough to have sex with him. So, he took the opportunity and dove in with her. They writhed in their shit-pool together thinking how fun it was until someone (you) came along and saw them swimming in shit together. Using common-fucking-sense, you yelled at them asking as to why the hell would you want to swim in a pool of shit? They both realized then and there that they were actually swimming in shit together. Immediately, your WW start pointing at you claiming "You PUSHED me in!!", and the affair guy carefully got out, attempting not to be noticed by anyone else, and ran home to attempt to shower off the overwhelming stench of shit.

THAT is what you are dealing with. Pure fucking irrational trying to be rationalized.

It has NOTHING to with you or your marriage and the affair guy is just one of those tiny-minded types who are willing to "swim in shit" for a piece of ass while believing they are Don-fucking-Juan in doing so.

You didn't dive into the pool of shit.

They did.

And they will always have some degree of the stench no matter how long or hard they scrub.

Now, does he seem in any way, shape, or form "superior" to you?

Kept, that is one heck of a visual. Great post!