SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Friend, I have been EXACTLY where you are, and still from time to time feel the same because of how it impacts my DD. God it hurts, and it would have been so much easier looking back if she had actually died.

What these people have done is emotionally rape us, and we are left to deal with these rapists, on what seems a confusing, humiliating, painful trial without end. I can tell you it will not always be this way, you will feel lighter some day and not plagued by this searing pain... But even when you reach good detachment, it can rear up, and really knock you back. I fully embrace what you said about your wife, and it really rips you up!

Here I sit, just finishing up a conversation with DD, well detached, D very soon, and I am so angry and SAD... Basically DD is abandoned from Fri-late Sun, while STBX "hangs out" elsewhere, and it is ripping my DD apart. But what can you expect from a "mother", who just a month ago, after months of lies and gaslighting me to DD, finally confirmed her adultery to DD by saying:

"I like having sex with XXXXX, I don't enjoy sex with your dad."

Said as coolly as if asking for directions.

Believe me, that is just the tip of the iceberg, and I'm still here, making progress, seeing her for what she really is, enduring a D from hell, and you will too!

Wish I could offer better help, and I, like so many others here will listen, not judge you, and hope/pray for your suffering to be brief, and have great strength and hope fill all the dark places.

Best of luck, we are all pulling for you!

I am being totally fair with regard to splitting of assets, I am trying to be the most involved father I can be (so many men walk away from their responsibility) and she still tries to find fault. Most recently she thinks that the spread sheet I filled in for dividing the assets is not complete. "No problem" I say, "Tell me what you think is missing and I will add it". No response (there is nothing missing unless you want to go down to a level of detail such as counting toilet rolls and loaves of bread)

I am so sorry to hear this. First she cheats and then keeps you hanging.

This is plain mean.

You are almost there, you won't have to bear this after its over. Keep that in mind and move along.

What if you go and meet her in person with all you need and finish the detailing in one sitting.

Keep crying, God will respond. You will be rewarded for what you're being put through.

I admire your patience. If it were me, by this time, the way she is acting, I would have been in jail.

Eta: Sometimes there is a reason for men to run away from their fathering responsibilities. The reason is not to engage with unreasonable waywards, who feel good to be in control about visiting schedules, in making the father grovel and feel hurt in attempt to see their own children.

I am one of them. I have called ex FIL twice, to see my son, but both times he cut the phone suggesting technical glitches. She knows I'm in a different city and trying to make it more difficult for me. That's her way of saying how dare you leave me, now suffer.

[This message edited by Happydays at 9:17 PM, May 20th (Monday)]

Happy,

I have asked many times to meet with her in a neutral location to finalise the asset split. She point blank refuses or doesn't reply to the request. It's a pattern I've noticed with her about anything directly related to her destruction. She cannot face the reality of what she is doing so she ignores it and puts it off. I think this is why she didn't want me to file for divorce. Everything I am doing is preventing her happiness and challenging her love bubble.

Another snippet of info this morning. DS(8) calls me from his mobile phone before school, in tears, because he's lost his spelling book. Nothing too concerning, obviously. The thing that did concern me was that his mummy was next to him, telling him it was OK and that she would write a letter to the teacher but he wasn't listening to her. She seemed short tempered. In the past it was mummy that was the maternal, kind and gentle figure who would mop brows and tell them everything would be alright and I would be the paternal figure telling them to be brave when they graze a knee. Now it's me they want reassurance and kindness from and I am happy to give it. I was able to pacify him and he stopped crying.

I honestly now believe that the children can sub-conciously detect that mummy is different, even if they don't understand it. So sad

A big hug from the NorthEast of the US

I honestly now believe that the children can sub-conciously detect that mummy is different, even if they don't understand it.

This is true. Right now they know their whole world has changed but they have the least understanding of why it has. They are clinging to the familiar, to what they know they can trust - and that's you. You're their rock right now, and your consistency will help them to adjust. You can be very proud of yourself for that. (((allatsea and boys)))

I honestly now believe that the children can sub-conciously detect that mummy is different, even if they don't understand it. So sad

I don't think that wears off either- my wife and her sisters all go to their Dad for comfort, cuddles and warmth even now as adults. Their Mum cheated.

On the positive side, the relationship my FIL has with his daughters is second to none, I look up to the guy.

He went through the trauma but with them, not against them and nowadays it's appreciated by them as adults.

I think it's time for me to close this thread as I can hardly say that I've just found out anymore.

I will still be here popping up in other forums and threads and hope to provide support to other unfortunate BS's who find themselves going through this FUCKING SHIT

I will still be here popping up in other forums and threads and hope to provide support to other unfortunate BS's

allatsea, even this, sad as it seems, is forward motion for you - so keep going, one step at a time, for you and your boys.

Hi allatsea,

I have been following your thread and I just wanted to offer support and understanding. I don't know if you are familiar with my story, but it's been a long one, but one that I hope is drawing to a close, or at least turning a corner.

Our stories don't quite coalesce, but I get the sense that we are in the same place in terms of acute pain, bewilderment, anger--but also clinging to an irrational flame of hope that our wives will just stop this insanity and come back to us and our family. Someday we will look back on her sin and shake our heads as our grandchildren cavort around us.

Your wife abruptly left you and moved in with him. I cannot imagine the agony you must be experiencing.

But in some ways I almost would have preferred your situation. I am not saying this to make you feel better--it's more for me. But if it makes you feel better, this is what I mean.

She left, took the kids (same ages as mine I believe)' and you are divorcing. Horrifying. But my wife has been having an affair with this guy for two years. Two. Years. I was oblivious the first year, then I caught her, she dropped to her knees in remorse begging me not to divorce her. And I didn't. And she promptly resumed the affair, this time right in my face.

(BTW, the whole time she maintained a family life: great sex life, family vacations, lots of love and intimacy, seemingly a normal wonderful life.)

And I haven't seen that humbled, sobbing, remorseful woman since. Yet I have pleaded, groveled, apologized (me! I have!), threatened, cajoled.

We separated for three months. In hindsight it was so she could continue her affair without interference by me.

Then she had an epiphany and moved back in. She wanted her family, she loved only me, she promised our children that Mommy was home to stay, and that she would cut all contact with the AP.

All was wonderful for around a month. I let her back into my heart. But...she didn't end contact with him. She almost did. Then sort of did. Then she did, but resumed contact. Then everything went to shit between us since I called her out on this, for hurting me and our family again. So we separated again. And she is going strong with her AP. And still she said that we just need more time apart "to heal and grow." Then she would return to me "to be the wife you need me to be." She just needed more time. More. Just a little more. Maybe another three months. Or six. Or a hundred. Just keep hanging in there until I get the AP "out of my system."

Stay home with our children and writhe some more in agony and humiliation while I do what I want to do and still have my husband being a husband.

And I swallowed it some more, since the flame of hope still wasn't extinguished. Surely she would see the error of her ways, the incredible destruction her actions have done to our family, our life. But no. No responsibility, no remorse.

For almost a year I threatened divorce and backed off, over and over.

And then I guess something just broke in me a few weeks ago. Probably sheer survival instinct kicked in. My brain just said, No more. She won't change. She can't change. Most importantly, she doesn't WANT to change.

And so we are divorcing. I am in agony. I miss her. She was the love of my life. I still believe that person is somewhere inside of her, but she is buried deep behind layers and layers of problems, problems that I can't change and over which I have no control.

Again, my hope is still there. How can it not be after eight wonderful happy uears? I have the same fantasies you probably have, that she will come home after really ending it with him and we will live happily ever after and I will never have reason to distrust her again.

My ultimate point is that while your pain is intense, you leapt into action. I did not. I prolonged my pain out of hope to the point where I knew if I did not divorce, any remaining wisp of integrity, self respect, self esteem ad pride would be finally annihilated and my recovery may never occur. So I am taking that leap. And you know what? She has become worse. Angry, cold, resentful that I dare do this TO HER and OUR CHILDREN. No remorse. No responsibility. No shame. Ultimately, no love. My hope is willful fantasy. Not reality. And in reality we must force ourselves to dwell.

You have done the right thing, Allatsea. I admire you and wish I'd had the courage to divorce immediately.

I wish you the best, and I wish both of us strength.

Abbondad,

Thanks for your post. I've caught up with your situation and I feel for you. Having several false R's must be devastating. Whilst my STBXW left me as soon as I found out she was using the 'space' I gave her to see him, I had several weeks of limbo. Once she moved out she made no bones about telling me we were definitely over and that she found a a better man and father. I had no alternative but to file for divorce. It was the only thing I could do to regain control. I also hoped it might wake her up but it didn't. There is no point to not divorce. She isn't fence sitting or cake eating. She is better at NC than I am and would prefer it if I were dead. I'm a thorn in her side and she has to share the children with me. I'm also in 'her' house. I also am a visual reminder that she is a home wrecker.

NC is tough and I am still naive enough to think that some of my messages and expressions of emotion and pain will get through. Not one has made any difference. She has flicked an emotion chip (like Data from Star Trek) and feels nothing toward me. The biggest shock is that the children are getting a 'reduced' mummy which I never thought she would be.

This week is tough for me and some days are bloody awful. In fact, half an hour ago I was wailing like a baby. Now the crying has subsided I feel stronger and ready for dinner!

Mostly, I'm still in shock that she could have done this with so little consideration for anyone else other than herself. I didn't know she was like that. Maybe one day I'll discover why, but I'm doubtful.

Take care.

allatsea, abbondad,

I really respect and admire you guys. You will come out of this with such strength and wisdom.

Jack

New outlook on life - I hope I can stick with it!

Very recently I started to accept that I cannot change her mind or reason with her. She is too far gone. The more I try to explain that what she is doing is wrong, the more she digs her heels in and fights back with nasty comments about why she left me. I end up being the one that hurts and I feed their relationship as it gives them something to bond over.

Only yesterday I had to tell her that one of the children was too poorly (he gets migraines) to be returned until the next morning. I expected her to show concern and maybe even want to talk to him. All I got was accusations that I was playing games, unable to move on, not putting the children first, I was a bad father and she a better mother. Whilst I am sure that she is convincing herself that her life is better, and maybe the POS is helping with that mirage right now, I wouldn't want to be in her shoes. Her relationship is based on quick sand and they can't trust each other.

I have done some spying of my own and all it does it show me that the things she says we didn't do enough of and the in-attention of the children has not changed in any way. I have stopped paying any attention to how they present their new life. They know it isn't as rosy as they first thought. I've also realised that ww (the mother to my wonderful boys) has conciously and deliberately relinquished access to her own children several days a week in preference of the new POS. What sort of mother does that?

Although I would like nothing more than to see her fall flat on her face and come to terms with the devastation she has brought herself and our family, I have to tell myself that I will never see it. It's the only way I can move on and be healthy. Unfortunately her parents and her friends are supporting her. She doesn't have any really close friends as she keeps them at arms length (Intimacy issues are one of her problems that have contributed to this).

I stay well out of my WW way. I don't let her see me unless absolutely necessary. It hurts me to see her so I avoid it.

I am pushing forward with the divorce ASAP and will watch the car crash from the side of the road with a smile on my face. I've just got to continue to be there for my children.

Very recently I started to accept that I cannot change her mind or reason with her. She is too far gone. The more I try to explain that what she is doing is wrong, the more she digs her heels in and fights back with nasty comments about why she left me. I end up being the one that hurts and I feed their relationship as it gives them something to bond over.

Very true! Don't expend energy on it anymore, spend it on yourself. The best thing you can do in this situation is detach. And prepare some popcorn to enjoy the catastrophic show that I suspect will be playing soon at a theater near you!

Stay Strong Allatsea. Your a good Dad. Hug your sons and keep them close.

Sending you light and laughter for your darkest days.

Allatsea,

Your ww said and is doing to you many if not everything that my exww did and said to me. Since I am almost 6 years removed from dday, I would like to offer you some heartfelt thoughts and advice for you to consider.

First of all, stop conversing with your ww about everything except the divorce and the kids. Otherwise it is just pig wrestling - the pig enjoys it and all you get is dirty. You will not change her mind by pointing out the errors in her thinking or actions or the likely consequences of her actions. She doesn't care about that. She also doesn't care about what happens to you, in fact, the lower she can make you feel the better she feels. She is on a quest to destroy you.

You need to work on yourself to become the person you always wanted to be and stop thinking about her. Exercise like a pro athlete, get a new hair style, get some cosmetic dental work done, buy some new clothes, etc. But DO NOT get involved in a new relationship - you aren't at all ready for that. In fact, it will likely be a couple of years at least down the road before you are ready for a new relationship. Right now, it is important for you to work on yourself and look after your kids.

Based on your ww's actions and verbiage, it is unlikely that you will reconcile. I know that, at this point, that is all that keeps you going, but, in time, your thinking will change. You will realize that you don't want to spend your life with someone who could so easily betray you and your family - who could possibly do such a thing again. And don't think for a minute that I can say this because I didn't love my exww as much as you love yours. She was the love of my life for 25 years but the though of reconciling with someone who could do to me and say to me the things that she did - for no purpose other than to hurt me to the core and destroy me - makes me glad that I didn't have the opportunity to pursue reconciliation. I don't want a life with someone like that.

In closing, if you work on yourself and believe that the sun will shine again in your life, you will find that it will happen. It took me a couple of years to even begin living again but it did eventually occur. And now I am stronger than I ever was and the sun is definitely shining again in my life.

Crushed47

Thanks crushed. You are not wrong

The wife has gone into full attack mode and dictating visitation terms. I have no real option and no rights other than to fight it in court which takes time. She can change the arrangements as she sees fit and there is nothing I can do about it. I've had to go begging and pleading with her via text and she is totally unmoving. She will not talk to me on the phone, ever. Her POS is all arrogant and is putting words in her mouth and she is spewing them out at me. He is fighting her corner. In order to see my children today I had to go to the school gate which she then accused me of making a scene and being unreasonable. I didn't end up seeing them at all as I didn't want to make a scene. POS was there too and he was speaking for her and being abusive. She lapped it up. I offered to leave if she spent a few minutes speaking with me on her own while POS collected the children from the gate. We managed to clarify a few things and correct a few untruths but she is so convinced that I am to blame for her falling in love with another man. Paraphrasing; He was so good and provided support in my hour of need. They basically don't want me in their life, the affair was all my fault, total rewrite of the marriage, I have never been an active father etc, she knows she hurt me but never meant for it to happen etc etc. She refuses to concede that she did an awful thing. Affairs happen for a reason, I forced her out of the house (I moved back in because she kept inviting him around) She moved out voluntarily with my children one week later and is now living with him

She is using my desperation to see the kids and emotional outbursts over email (in an attempt to get her to engage) as ammunition for changing the arrangements due to my 'instability and harassment'. She doesn't see that she has totally devastated my life and that of my children. She thinks that life is better for them and her and I am not being calm, understanding, supportive or reasonable.

I stand to lose everything due to her actions. I can't believe how unjust the system is.

POS and WW get 5 nights a week with the children and I get 2. They want it to be less. How is that right?

Allatsea,

It completely sucks being a LBS, especially early in the game. But don't think that the way it is now is the way it will always be. What I mean is that the pendulum will eventually swing the other way.

Work on yourself and your kids. Do what is right. Confront your ww through the courts and avoid open confrontation via voice, text, phone, email, etc. You will eventually find yourself in a much better place than your ww. You will find that you spent time working on you while she invested everything in an affair that, in all likelihood, will turn out to be a rubber crutch. That is, the om and her have as much a chance of making it as I do of winning American Idol. Her world will eventually implode and she will be devastated as a result. At that time, it will definitely suck to be her.

Stay strong, know that things will get better and you will emerge from this nightmare as a better person.

Crushed

Crushed,

Thanks for your supportive post. Trying to reason with Ww especially whilst pos is fueling her anger and attending her meetings with the lawyer is futile. She has put me through the mill today but I think we've found some common ground. Time will tell. My boys are so important to me and it crushes me to see pos acting like he knows what's best for them. I feel powerless. I will fight until I have no money left and then fight on borrowed money. The failure of her relationship will be icing on the cake but I don't want her back after all this. She is despicable and I never thought she would stoop so low. Unfortunately the law is not on the side of the man no matter who is at fault.

i would advise quit fighting for more time with the kids. take the 2 days a week. but then hold THEM to that.

I've seen this before with a friend. His wife was a control freak. Even though they had joint custody she kept moving. If he got a job in Denver to be near them, she would take a job in Portland.

So, the reality is, he only got to see his kids in the summer.

But over time, the kids loved him. Do you understand?

Take the two days a week. Lead a happy life. And enjoy your kids when you have them.

but for heaven's sake you need to stop being a doormat to your wife. avoid her at all costs. Do not break into tears when you see her. Move on. she will only hurt you.

good luck.

I admit not knowing how this works but if you have no agreement yet why does she get to set terms? What does your lawyer say?