SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know you are right Redrock and I needed the 2x4. Sometimes the frustration gets too much. Not only do we have to deal with the betrayal and the loss of seeing my children every day, but I then get blamed for it all.

I am actually claiming for all of my legal costs to be be paid by her as part of the divorce. Obviously she is stating that the marriage was in trouble before the affair. She cites that 'people don't have affairs for no reason' and wants me to take responsibility for it even though she never once said that we had a troubled marriage.

How do I go about persuading a judge that she should take responsibility for the divorce? Public perception is on her side and I worry that a judge will not consider her to be totally at fault for having an affair

All, just some friendly advice from experience. The judge isn't there to decide who is right and wrong. He doesn't care, and that's not his job. A more accurate description of what you can expect; the judge is an industrial strength meat grinder. He's going to grind up both sides until it's one homogeneous mass of shit. Please remember that the judge is just another attorney except he gets to wear the cape. I know how you feel, you think you're going to get"justice". I'm sorry, but it doesn't work like that. The only escape you have is indifference. You'll have won when you finally love yourself more than you love who you've become since your married. That guy is dead, so the sooner you bury him, the sooner your Phoenix will rise from the ashes.

How desperately sad, caught up in the midst of something similar myself. Husband has left myself and our two daughters (13 and 17) and is living with the OW and her son. He has been financially supporting them for the past year and yet I am so crushed, The extent of lies and betrayal I am only now discovering is astounding. I don't know how to move on. I am so distraught and he just doesn't give a hoot! His happiness is all that matters. Who is this person, did I ever really know him at all? I hope you can move past this and find peace, good luck.

I'm glad to see you post allatsea, I had wondered how you were getting on.

She cites that 'people don't have affairs for no reason'

Well that's one thing she's most certainly right about. There is a reason she had an affair - but the reason is all to do with her and nothing to do with you. It wasn't your marriage, or you, that caused her to choose to have an affair. That is all on her alone. She had many other options available to choose if she wasn't happy. The first, and most obvious one to any healthy person would be to let you know she wasn't happy in the first place. But she didn't do that. So yes, there was a 'reason' she had an affair, but it was that that was how she chose to deal with her problems and her inability to articulate them to you. That's the real 'reason' - although she may never see it, because it's just a lot easier for her to blame you. So she does.

but I then get blamed for it all

.

But who is actually believing that? Her, pos, and her family? New friends she's made who only know her version of you? allatsea, try to let that go. You know the truth and your mutual friends have all chosen to stick by you - that says a lot without needing any words to do it. Try to let what she's saying to her chosen few, and her new friends go over your head. You'll never change their perspective anyway, because they only know the caricature of you that she presents to them and will probably see all your actions now through that biased lens.

As for the judge, well, he's going to judge however he's going to judge. To a certain extent it's out of your hands. All you can do is present your case to him as best you can, show her infidelity and refusal to work on the marriage, and then just hope he's fair. Personally I think that how you've been showing yourself to be a caring and responsible father and leaving a paper trail to go with it, will go in your favour.

But try not to text her anymore. I get the feeling that she has gone completely beyond you reaching her now, she seems to have no compassion or guilt, and the only thing that any texts of yours do is fuel her anger and give her more ammunition to use against you. Come here instead and write it here - I know it's not the same, but at least here you are understood. Self realisation, clarity and fairness are all just beyond your FW right now.

I really hope your solicitor presents a good case for you. I would love to see you get some justice - especially in regards to your boys.

Last night I sent her another text, which I shouldn't have done, and I'm sure she will claim that I am breaching my harassment warning but I just needed her to know my position. I have never been able to confront my abuser, get answers to my questions or feel vindicated.

AAS,

I can't tell you how many times I composed a text to my STBX, only to delete it after taking a breath; how many times I stared at my phone and fought my urge to let loose.

Don't do it. At best, it is futile psychologically. You will not get the answers you crave (as do I and so many of us). If she does respond, her response will make you feel even worse.

And at worst, since you embroiled in a "less than reasonable or amicable" divorce as am I, any written communiques at this time could potentially come back to haunt you.

Facetiously: "Put down the gun... Just put it down slowly and walk away...There are other solutions...Things will get better..."

;-)

Strength, Brother... To all of us.

AAS-

Judges (if they are good) are there to look at the facts of the D. Do you both agree to the separation of assets, who pays who for CS, is there SS to be had, what is the in the best interest of your boys. They could care less (unless it is legal in your state) who had an A. That is emotional, not illegal. Although we ALL know it SHOULD be!!

As time goes on you will get to the place where what she says or does will mean diddly-squat to you. And won't that feel amazing???

Sending hugs and strength to you, and your boys.

Once again allatseaa I think you are doing very well. But I am compelled to take strong exception to your WWs assertion that "people don't have affairs for no reason". I am one of those BSs whose WS admits to being happily married to an excellent wife whose reasons for straying had nothing to do with me or the M; I think sins of the father said it very well.

But I want to also point out how faulty the underlying premise is on justifying immoral behavior in this way. Is it then also true that people don't rob banks for no reason? Drink and drive? Abuse children? Cheat on their taxes? I imagine most people have a "reason" for doing these things. IMO this is very immature reasoning.

I know you love your wife and had good years with her, but she is showing you that she is a very flawed person. You are fortunate you didn't find out how weak she was when you needed her by your side with a serious medical crisis, or a child emergency, or even just the indignities of aging. You are young and can find someone who deserves you.

So this weekend (just gone)was my first where I kept the children until school on Monday instead of returning them on the Sunday at 4pm.

CSTBXWW (C for crazy) knew that this was going to happen and yet she called the Police when I didn't show. I showed the correspondence to them and they suddenly got quite annoyed that she had lied to them. She told the Police she had no knowledge of this arrangement. The boys were exposed to the accusation at the front door and were very inquisitive after they left. Without me saying a word they have pieced it all together and are mad with mummy. This is now the second time I have had a visit from the Police and both times they have left happy with the information I have given. They do not like being used and having their time wasted.

The crazy continued after they left. The crazy bitch phoned twice (I didn't answer) and then got a school mum to text me to check 'that the boys were OK'. School mum was not pleased, either!

Then my estranged sister got involved (She and STBXWW have bcome allies). My poor Mum and Dad received a torrent of abuse via text and phone call that they are terrible people for supporting me and that I should be in prison for rape.

Whoooaa, this is getting serious now. Then she told my dad that I am probably abusing the kids. Whoooaaa, double serious. At this stage my sister is just being gobby (she has mental issues) but slander like that is damaging and she seems to hate me more than STBXWW does at the moment.

I KNOW that STBXWW has no such concern because if she did she wouldn't be arguing how much I see the children, she would be preventing me from seeing them at all. Also, she has been made aware of numerous sleepovers that Ive organised with the friends of my children and not once has she expressed concern. On top of that I have been abroad with them for 10 days.

What I am expecting is to receive another letter removing my contact with the children until further notice or cancelling my Wednesday contact at the very least.

Who is this person?

She's also telling everyone who will listen that I have sacked my solicitor (I haven't).

I have arranged to speak with my solicitor today.

What puzzles me time and time again is the fact that she could have just been amicable from the start, taken 50% of everything without any argument from me and just gone off to live her life. She is dragging both of us and the children through the mill. The boys are fast learning that mummy is being 'unfair' and are 'getting cross' to use their words

How do I go about persuading a judge that she should take responsibility for the divorce?

You document everything. You get copies of the police report that shows your wife lied to them.

You use patience.

Because the crazier your wife gets the crazier she will act, the crazier she will look in the judges eyes.

I truly believe you were blindsided. And your wife continues to act selfishly.

No new news there!

But be patient and continue to fight for your boys.

Because they truly need you in their lives.

You should lump your Ex and your sister both in the crazy dept.

What I don't understand is why you cannot show proof of your wife cohabitating with her boss.

Isn't that grounds for instant divorce in your country???

HM64

Hi,

She is not contesting the divorce. She has admitted adultery and we can get divorced without trial separation. The delays relate to the splitting of finanical assets and the child contact arrangements.

In this country they have to be in place first.

I am documenting everything. I'm not looking forward to the next letter :(

AAS,

It is remarkable and disturbing just how similar our stories (and so many others') are.

My STBXWW is also stooping to new lows, insinuating and building a case that I am an unfit, raging, abusive father and husband. I fully expect that at some point she will play the sexual molestation card, as patently absurd and false though it is.

But this is what my attorney (and common sense) tells me to remember:

If any of these horrible allegations are true,

-Why would she have left the children in your care?

-Why would she not be strenuously fighting for sole custody and not just majority or 50%?

And of course, where/what is the evidence?

Still, it is so very distressing. Truly they are morally bankrupt and sick.

Prepare for anything and everything. They are desperate.

Good God. I'm speechless.

...I should be in prison for rape.

Whoooaa, this is getting serious now. Then she told my dad that I am probably abusing the kids. Whoooaaa, double serious. At this stage my sister is just being gobby (she has mental issues) but slander like that is damaging

allatsea, please make sure to protect yourself legally from all this insanity. Document EVERYTHING. Follow all agreements to the letter so you don't leave yourself open to anything. Your sister right now is dangerous to you if she is spreading rumours like this. Please tell your solicitor this is happening.

Your wife too has lost the plot and will seize anything she can to do you harm right now. I don't know what else to suggest except, be careful, document everything, and get the advice of your solicitor about all these new accusations and police visits.

Who is this person?

Someone who is very troubled indeed. Protect yourself from her and only deal with her through solicitors. Your poor boys witnessing all that.

I find it weird that a woman so happy with her new love is acting like this toward you about the children.

I mean, she should think of the time she doesn't have the kids, she is free to spend time alone with her beau and have crazy sex and no kids in the background.

She isn't happy. Maybe things are falling apart over there but her focus is on the kids so much, she can't be happy with her boyfriend. The boyfriend must have fell out of infatuation by now and not paying any attention to her. This all reeks of needing attention.

Laugh at her, ignore her, silently mock her. Then forget her. She is doing all of this now because she doesn't want to face what she has done. How she let her life become so messed up. Don't feed her, just watch her like a rabid caged animal. Don't antagonize her. Don't respond. Just watch. Give her enough rope and she will hang herself.

Oh and definitely document. Her constant lying to the police could be grounds to give you full custody.

I've had a predictably heartbreaking response from CSTBXWW.

Unless I sign an undertaking that I will always return them by 4pm on a Sunday, she will withold access to the children indefinitely.

Mother oftje year, right there. She is happy to use the kids against me. I can't believe it. I'm broken and beaten.

Unless I sign an undertaking that I will always return them by 4pm on a Sunday, she will withold access to the children indefinitely.

Talk to your lawyer immediately. I don't see how the court would find those kind of threats as anything but detrimental to the kids.

AAS,

Do NOT sign that rubbish.

Go to your solicitor with it immediately.

Don't even respond without seeing your solicitor.

Immediate legal advice required, and follow instructions to the letter.

This just got super serious...

Sorry bro.

What Brandon and Phoenix said, sign nothing until you have spoken to your lawyer specifically about this letter. I'm not sure she CAN do this legally - but if you actually sign it - it may be given more weight because of your agreement to it in writing. Find out before you sign anything.

absolutely, run this by your lawyer before you sign anything.

I think this attempt may backfire.

She cannot imperiously deny you access to the children anymore than you could. See your attorney and don't sign that ridiculous document. If she attempts to cut off access then get a court order and ask for majority custody.

I suspect that your wife is mad with you because you blew up her convenient exciting life when you found out about her affair. She had the best of both worlds; a good stable, respectable, family life and the thrill of an illicit relationship with her lover boss.

Now she is stuck with a guy who may not measure up to her original assessment and experiencing increasing disillusionment, has to share access to the kids and has lost respectability as a wife and mother. A scarlet woman no less.

Your MIL once implied that you should have turned a blind eye to her affair and let her have her fling. Now the family has disintegrated and your WW's fantasy arrangement has ended. No wonder she's angry at you!

I hope you sent a copy of this text to your lawyer.