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allatsea (original poster member #38923) posted at 11:27 AM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
Chuckle
I've just had a very short letter from the solicitor of CSTBXWW. Nothing controversial or alarming but yet another sign that even her solicitor is showing signs of frustration with the crazy monster.
They have confirmed the court dates and receipt of one of my letters but then they said that they are still awaiting to hear from their client and await her instructions on my previous letters which were sent ages ago.
It just tickled me that crazy monster is burying her head deeper and deeper.
I am currently sending a weekly letter to her solicitor (costs me nothing but costs her ££££)reminding her that negotiation has never been attempted. It will provide me with a wealth of evidence to the judge that she has become totally unreasonable and has lost the plot.
[This message edited by allatsea at 5:34 AM, September 30th (Monday)]
You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it
k94ever ( member #11176) posted at 2:42 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
Yaknow AAS, until everything is finalized I'm in the camp saying you need to have witnesses at every exchange with her.
It won't hurt and it can very well help you if your WS tries to pull the abusive spouse card.
And yeah....it's probably burning her chaps that you've found someone.
k9
BS:61
WS: 53
Betrayed: 24 years
Affairs: 15 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.
Abbondad ( member #37898) posted at 2:42 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
I hate to keep writing "Me too, same here," posts, AAS, but....
My attorney sent me an Email expressing her frustration with the fact that CSTBXWW's attorney has received nothing from HER and has difficulty in getting in touch with her.
I know my WW very well, so I feel like telling her attorney that this is to be expected; he has the world's most irresponsible, unreliable and irrational client. (This is her second attorney.)
Keep giving her the rope, AAS, step back and watch her self-made palace of entitlement crash and burn.
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.-Dune
HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 2:56 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
I have a lady on the scene because they've mentioned it to her. I don't know what they've told her, exactly, but there isn't much for them to tell. The boys haven't met her and I've not told them that she is my girlfriend because technically she isn't. We're in the very early stages of getting to know each other.
Even though your WW wants a D and is acting like a monster, you aren't D yet (except maybe in your heart.)
How would things change if her POSOM dumped her, she had an epiphany and came back to you, tears running down her face, blubbering, admitting she had been a terrible person, that she loves you and always did, and that is why she had to put so much effort into hating you to go through with the A, etc. etc.
If there is any chance that you could ever have feelings for your WW again (if she changed back into the wonderful person she was before the A), and until the D is 100% final, I think it isn't fair to bring any other people into the fray.
If the other lady thinks things might go farther than just friendship, could you tell her you need to put things on hold for a few months and keep a friendly distance from her?
Even if she knows you are going through with an ugly D, you aren't D yet, and she is kind of becoming an OW.
Not trying to offend, but your boys are young and when they are grown, there is a great likelihood they won't remember things later exactly as they happened.
t/j but related to the point I'm making My H's parents had a messy D when he was 10. He didn't know how messy when he was a boy, but his mom "filled me in" when I M her son. She told me she dated his step Dad during the D and kept it a secret from the children. When she told me the story about his real dad having her followed by a PI during the child custody phase and how she had to sneak around with OM, it sounded more and more like she had an exit A and M OM. Why would she have to sneak around, if she wasn't seeing someone and if H's dad wasn't trying to prove she was having an A? MIL swears she met her 3rd H (H's step Dad and probably AP) after the D proceedings started, and she thinks that made it OK.
Just tryin' to help you keep your history clean for your boys. If your WW thinks there might be a kink in their memories when they grow up, she will surely rewrite her side of the A story if she thinks it might make her look better.
You deserve to have friends, whether male or female. But if things are moving beyond friendship, I'm just suggesting you tell those people you want to back off for a while and wait for the D to be final before you let things, emotions, go further. Nice ladies will appreciate your concerns.
edited to fix all those annoying abbreviations[/
[This message edited by HurtButHopeful? at 4:29 PM, September 30th (Monday)]
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
allatsea (original poster member #38923) posted at 4:20 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
I do see your view point on this. I am taking things very slowly and my new lady knows the score.
Your suggestion that CSTBXWW would ever turn up at the door in tears makes me recoil. I can't imagine she would ever do such a thing, especially as she is in soooo deep with her lies to family and herself.
I also can't imagine that she could say anything that would convince me to take that lying and cheating person back into my heart. Not any more.
You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it
Blobette ( member #36519) posted at 4:23 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
That's a huge step, AAS. I sometimes see you romanticizing your past with her... she's obviously a deeply damaged person, able to charm when she wants to. Now you know she's rotten from within.
Stay strong! We're all rooting for you!
BS (me): 51
WS: 52
Married: 27 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R
Abbondad ( member #37898) posted at 5:24 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
I also can't imagine that she could say anything that would convince me to take that lying and cheating person back into my heart. Not any more.
Good for you, AAS. I have my "fog resurgent, maybe-she'll...what-if moments" too, but I shake it off quickly. All I have to do is remember.
[This message edited by Abbondad at 11:24 AM, September 30th (Monday)]
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.-Dune
HurtButHopeful? ( member #25144) posted at 10:21 PM on Monday, September 30th, 2013
I'm glad for you too that you are no longer hoping WW will come back a changed person, you are living in today.
Yeah, protect that nice lady you now have your eyes on. She will appreciate you all the more if your relationship ever turns into something committed.
Resources for R:
His Needs Her Needs, by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters, by Dr. Willard Harley
(for husbands) Becoming the Ultimate Husband, by Reb Bradley
allatsea (original poster member #38923) posted at 9:30 AM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
I'm feeling devilish recently. I wouldn't say I'm consumed with revenge but a little bit of retribution is called for. So I've asked my solicitor to send my CSTBXWW's employer a letter. She works for a University.
This is my request to my solicitor:
"At your convenience I would like to instruct you to write a complaint letter to CSTBXWW's employer, possibly even using the word 'sue'. The purpose is not necessarily to get an offer of compensation from them (although that would be nice!), but to force the university to carry out a full investigation and interview the offending parties. There should be some sort of ramification, surely?! At the very least 'Dick' and CSTBXWW should be made to squirm in their seats when being quizzed over their affair during work time.
Words to this effect could be used:
I consider that 'Shit' University are encouraging and endorsing extra marital relationships between a line manager and his subordinate.
This was/ is an abuse of his position and power carried out with the tacit knowledge of the HR department and all senior management in the near vicinity.
The relationship between Dick and CSTBXWW began to develop beyond a professional level in September 2012 and culminated in physical sexual acts on University premises from November onward. He used his position to manipulate the work environment to provide a basis for his advances toward my wife. He instigated longer working hours, business trips and off-site meetings in order to develop and advance his relationship to an emotional and physical level.
I have evidence (I accessed her work email from her home computer to verify my suspicions of an affair and printed everything out) that inappropriate and unprofessional behaviour was taking place during office hours. There was a systematic abuse of the university email & phone policies as well as the use of empty offices, corridors and the top flights of stairs being used for sexual contact during office hours all carrying the risk of being exposed by colleagues and students. All of this is evidential from a review of their internal email communications.
Upon discovery of the affair, the University did not take steps to discipline or warn Dick of the conflict of interest that this creates and the untenable position that the parties had created.
In this light, I consider that the University is culpable of supporting and encouraging the failure of our marriage due to the behaviour of a senior member of its staff toward a subordinate and the continued ignorance of the devastating harm and emotional destruction that this has brought on the children and husband of CSTBXWW
I request that the University initiate a full investigation to review the unfortunate situation. A written response is required.
What else could I add in order for the University to feel responsible?
You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it
frankier ( member #33901) posted at 11:32 AM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
AAS - sorry for your situation. I wish you the best.
As far as the letter to the university is concerned I would want to hear your attorney's opinion about disclosing (admitting) to have viewed your wife's university mail. Could this be construed as an illegal act? Could it backfire.
Me BS 48 - Her WS 39 (at the time)
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8
frankier ( member #33901) posted at 11:32 AM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
AAS - sorry for your situation. I wish you the best.
As far as the letter to the university is concerned I would want to hear your attorney's opinion about disclosing (admitting) to have viewed your wife's university mail. Could this be construed as an illegal act? Could it backfire.
Me BS 48 - Her WS 39 (at the time)
DDay 7/5/10 1/yr EA/PA
DS1 12 DS2 8
Secrets Kept ( member #40630) posted at 12:59 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
pfttt...don't see how you could be held accountable for reading her work email. For all they know, she could have left it up & open at home & you just happened to see it.
I am right there with ya on the letter. It's just a little way to get some "innocent" vengeance on your part that just happens to be true.
I mean really....if she had been against "Dick's" advances, they could have been looking at a sexual harrass lawsuit thrown at them, so one wouldhope
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"
Secrets Kept ( member #40630) posted at 1:05 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
Sorry..on my damn phone & hit submit by mistake.
So one would hope they look into everything & like you said, at least make them sweat a bit.
Plus I am one for making it public. IMHO...the BS has nothing to be ashamed of but it is nice to know the WS get a different view by most outsiders because truly, the majority of people look down on infidelity.
Still rooting for you, AAS.
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"
Secrets Kept ( member #40630) posted at 1:23 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
One last addition for me, AAS.......remarking on "hurtbuthopeful's" post.
First, I think if your WW ever came back crying & wanting you back, etc & if you happened to post you were thinking about it......I think I (& possibly Abbondad) would be flying to UK to kick your ass. LOL
As for the new lady......as long as you have been open & honest with her, she is a big girl & can decide on her own if she wants to risk it. We are smart enough to know we could possibly just be a rebound but you also never know where it may lead, so i say go for it. It can truly help move on when you know in your heart that your marriage is over.
Hell, I was seperated & living in another state & my divorce took
a year & a half to be completed legally but I had felt single all that time.
"All this time I was finding myself & I didn't know I was lost"
Abbondad ( member #37898) posted at 2:06 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
First, I think if your WW ever came back crying & wanting you back, etc & if you happened to post you were thinking about it......I think I (& possibly Abbondad) would be flying to UK to kick your ass. LOL
AbsoFUCKINGlutely.
;-)
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.-Dune
allatsea (original poster member #38923) posted at 2:46 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
As I mentioned to Abb yesterday, the angry and uncommunicative behaviour of my CSTBXWW has been a help in detaching and moving on. I don't know how I would cope if she were to show signs of the old wife I thought I knew. It would be tough. However, I'm not stupid and my head is ruling my heart most of the time.
The likelihood of STBXWW ever crawling back are slim to none, which is probably a good thing for me.
You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it
allatsea (original poster member #38923) posted at 2:48 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
But if any of my regular thread contributors wish to visit me in the event that they visit London, then feel free. However, kicking my ass is not permitted.
Genuine offer, by the way
You can't fix crazy. All you can do is document it
sinsof thefather ( member #29295) posted at 3:29 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
Oh, I say do it allatsea - why not give them something to think about at the University. Even if you can't do anything to them legally (I have no idea about that) I'm sure that the bosses will spend at least a few minutes worrying about potential local paper headlines of Professors 'at it' in the classrooms! The very least that deserves is a disciplinary of some kind surely? - and it has the added bonus of embarrassing your ex and pos to have everyone know that they were doing that anyway. Very unprofessional conduct wouldn't you say? (pun intended 
)
...second star to the right and straight on till morning.
2long ( new member #10570) posted at 3:44 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
If you do send that letter, make sure that your description of reading her work email makes it clear that you saw it on your home computer and that you didn't log in to their system 2 snoop.
That would be illegal here. Don't know about the uk.
-ol' 2long
Swims ( member #30992) posted at 4:04 PM on Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013
AAS, just a thought.... I think this letter would be a poke at the tiger and perhaps make the road to your divorce decree even more difficult. You may want to consider waiting until after the divorce is finalized. I would hate to see her do something in retaliation that would hurt you and your children even more than she has already. But I certainly don't advocate rolling over, either. It's a great letter, just consider the timing.
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