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just a thought.... I think this letter would be a poke at the tiger and perhaps make the road to your divorce decree even more difficult. You may want to consider waiting until after the divorce is finalized. I would hate to see her do something in retaliation that would hurt you and your children even more than she has already. But I certainly don't advocate rolling over, either. It's a great letter, just consider the timing.

Yes. All of the above... I think I got carried away because I liked the idea of it so much. But swim is absolutely correct - it's not that long to wait before the Divorce is over... keep this as an idea until then.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:10 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

I've been following this thread for a while now but this is my first post.

I would really think what you are intending to do through, down to the finest detail. I agree that you are poking a tiger, especially since D is in progress. I would advise that you understand all of the different consequences that could occur once you send the letter and weigh those consequences against what you can gain. Don't get me wrong. I think you deserve all the retribution that you can get, she's a monster. I respect how you've handled all of this. It would be great if the University threw the proverbial book at them but what if they don't? What if reading the emails opens you up to legal action? Just be careful, you're two boys need their father more than anything else they have in their lives right now. Good luck.

I'd keep that letter, hone it, polish it, work on it every time she pulls one of her crappy moves use it as therapy. And once your D is final, you can make the decision, with your lawyer, as to send it off or not. I personally like the idea, although full disclosure, since I threw my WH out of my bedroom yesterday, I am in a vindictive mood. But whatever you do, don't do ANYTHING that jepardizes your upcoming custody battle. Those children and your ability to parent them, is your number one priority now.

But a little revenge fantasy isn't a bad thing ....

a phrase that was helpful to me in a similar situation was that the company was negligent in that it inadequatley supervised its employees. The company felt that they might be sued, so therefore they had to remedy the situation to cover their backsides. Poop hit the fan at the office.. up and down the food chain.

But I agree with the folks who are recommending holding that card till the division of assets and any spousal or child support questions are settled. It is in your best interest to have her income maximized for those purposes, just keep an eye on what the actual statute of limitations for a suit against the employer might be....just in case.....

ETA... I only replied so I have a couch to crash on if I ever make it to London in this lifetime

[This message edited by JustWow at 2:31 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]

My solicitor has notified me that the University has no duty of care to me and cannot, therefore, be considered negligent. She won't be able to write the letter as there is no legal foundation. She also makes the point that CSTBXWW could counter attack and sue me for breaching her privacy.

I also need to contend with the fact that I am poking the bear with a large stick which would actually give her a genuine reason to be angry with me.

I simply want calm seas. Once my access to the children is sorted she will be left all alone by me. She will be abandoned on her desert island of unicorns and skittle droppings with an ugly and arrogant POS, without any true friends and with enough free time (when I have the children) that she spends all her waking hours dealing with her shitty choices. The only visitor to her fantasy island will be my estranged sister whom she actually hates with a passion but is playing nice with in order to hurt me.

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:02 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

...and in the mean time I am building a new relationship, albeit slowly, with a beautiful, sensitive, affectionate, chatty, funny, open and honest lady who has boundless energy whom I like a lot. She is blonde, blue eyed slim and sexy as hell

The fact that she has long blonde hair will not sit nicely with CSTBXWW as she has always known I have a soft spot for natural blondes!!!!!

[This message edited by allatsea at 5:07 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

Well, they always say that the best revenge is living well, so it's good to see you starting to focus on your own future allatsea, and leaving toxic and pos to their own.

I'm glad that you are seeing that there can be a happy life going forward for you and your boys after all this is done with, and I hope you're on the road to it now.

[This message edited by sinsof thefather at 10:13 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

It's worryingly quiet on the CSTBXWW front. Her solicitor isn't replying to requests for outstanding information and I've not heard from her at all (but this is normal).

Whilst I should be pleased, it also raises my anxiety levels.

I spoke with one of the school mums who happened to see CSTBXWW and Gru at the school gates on Friday. School mum confirmed that POS/ Gru is bloody ugly with googly eyes, hunched shoulders and no ass. (WW hates those physical traits!) She also said that WW and Gru would not make eye contact with anyone nor would they interract with the children as they were in a deep serious conversation. Friday after school is always a happy time with much laughter and excitement for the weekend so it stood out as unusual. School mum also reckoned that WW was dressing too young for her age.

It would be so easy for me to read into school mum's comments and take what I want from it but at the very least it would seem as if the grass isn't totally green on her side.

CSTBXWW has also got to do a shitload of paperwork in support of her court appearances, which she has never, ever done (I always did the form filling), whereas my forms are already completed and submitted.

I am expecting some form of solicitor response from her this week though. I can't imagine what it will say in response to me insisting that she provides evidence of aggressive and threatening emails, examples of my unreasonableness and evidence that negotiation has been entered into and failed.

Throughout this whole sorry episode in my life she hasn't confronted what she's done and continues to bury her head. Our only mediation session forced her to hear some truths and she promptly ended any further sessions.

I'm getting nervous about the court date. What if I have an old fashioned judge who is biased toward the woman and what if WW somehow charms him the way she knows how?

[This message edited by allatsea at 6:16 AM, October 7th (Monday)]

Your trepidation is understandable. This is a difficult part of the process.

You must remember that you have kept your side of the street immaculate and your children have always been your first priority.

And lastly, and this I truly believe, the cosmic support you receive from those who have been following your story on SI is a powerful force. Feel the energy that comes to you from around the globe.

You are cared for.

Allatsea....I have been following your story but never post. Felt I needed to just leave a note to say that I believe you deserve full custody of your boys...my thoughts and prayers are with you that you get it!

If you get that woman-biased judge, this is where every bit of your documentation will come into play. Document, document, document. Smothered with reams of paper, notes, etc. Worse case scenario, your lawyer should know what judges are biased. If you get one, ask for a phostphonement due to your illness. Only as a last resort, because you really do need for this to be over, but there it is. Hang in there!

I've received some correspondence from CSTBXWW's solicitor and now I'm climbing the walls in panic and disgust.

She has submitted her own application with the court to counter my own which is only necessary if she substantially disagrees with my reason for filing.

My reason for application was straight forward and not controversial, IMO. All I want is to formalise a mutually agreeable schedule whereby the children get a reasonable amount of contact with their father. No more, no less.

In order to justify submitting her own application, she has to have a significant difference of intent. This could only mean that she wants to argue for sole custody and reduced access, surely? I get her application form in the post tomorrow which is when I will know for sure but I predict this is what it will say.

She really has it in for me. She is acting like a cornered or caged animal who has turned to fight with everything she can. The harder she fights me the harder I have to defend and then she justifies that I am being unreasonable and deserving of losing my children.

Anxiety level is high. She wants to forget that I ever existed and if she gets her way I will be out of her life even more, and those of my children so that Dick can step in and be a "wonderful man who is so much more of a father than you've ever been"

[This message edited by allatsea at 10:05 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

AAS - I like many here have been following your story and this is the first time I have posted.

I get so angry reading just how awful this has been for you

Please know that there are lots of people here thinking of you and sending (((Hugs)))

Would you like me to come down and bash their heads together

Seriously though you are doing amazingly well. Keep positive - it will all work out just fine.

The disgust is DEFINITELY warranted; however, there's no need for panic.

I've received some correspondence from CSTBXWW's solicitor and now I'm climbing the walls in panic and disgust.

You've got so much ammunition against her - she's only going to, at best, make a fool of herself and, at worst, prove to the court that she is bitter, unstable, and capable of parental alienation. Courts prefer arrangements in which kids spend equal amounts of time with each parent, so if that's what you're gunning for, you WILL get it. Add to that the evidence you've been collecting that clearly documents she is being vindictive, controlling, and unreasonable, and the scales of justice are now greatly tipped in your favor.

Keep doing what you're doing - do not indulge her with any communication (she'll try to instigate a fight in hope that you'll lose your cool and she'll be able to document that you're unstable), document her poor behavior, and continue to be vigilant in your communication with your solicitor.

You're going to be fine - she will not win this war...you've got her out-gunned.

The calmer you remain and the

The harder she fights

The more mistakes she will make and energy consumed. Let her exhaust herself, by remaining calm, cool and collected.

She wants to forget that I ever existed and if she gets her way I will be out of her life

Guilt will do that.

Thanks folks,

My boys were dropped off at my house at 5.30pm by Gru but in her car. Not CSTBXWW. How insensitive is that? They were so pleased to be here but within 5 minutes my eldest DS got all sad and said that he missed part of his play time at school yesterday. When I asked why he said it was because he missed me and burst into tears. The teacher had to sit with him until he was able to go and play. I asked if he told mummy and he said "no, she would be cross if I told her". Other than log the information, what on earth am I supposed to do with that heart breaking info? I can't tell CSTBXWW as she would dismiss it as lies.

I ensure a good routine with the boys so they were in bed by 7.30 which means I hadn't seen them for a week and then saw them for only two hours tonight. It's just not enough.

How can my wife hate me so much?

[This message edited by allatsea at 2:42 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]

How can my wife hate me so much?

I suspect it isn't you she hates. I think her hate is much much closer to home.

THIS is clear-cut evidence of Parental Alienation (often referred to as ‘implacable hostility’ in UK courts) and you MUST put a stop to it immediately:

I asked if he told mummy and he said "no, she would be cross if I told her".

You need to document this episode and any that may follow. Alert your solicitor that this has happened. This is very serious and it will NOT be good for her in court. Start a journal and document any instance in which there's an indication that your stbxw is alienating the kids. Document the conversation verbatim and include notes on any details surrounding the conversation (i.e. the context, where you had the conversation with the child, emotions the child exhibited during the conversation). If your solicitor can convince the judge that there's a possibility your wife is alienating the children (won't be hard to do considering her DOCUMENTED behavior up to this point) your journal becomes admissable in court.

Please discuss this with your solicitor as soon as you possibly can - make it a priority. You can, will, and MUST nail her ass to the wall for this. You may even be able to get primary physical custody of the children prior to the finalization of the divorce. Those boys should be with you right now. Take the gloves off and start swinging.

Visit this UK website - it may help you navigate this disturbing behavior both in your home and in court: http://www.fnf.org.uk/law-and-information/parental-alienation

Hi AAS, I know this is painful for you but you are being a wonderful Dad. Your children are never going to forget that. You are their dad, Gru will never replace you. NEVER. At the moment they are young and at times their voice is often overlooked or played down....BUT they grow up. Like my children, they absorb what is around them, and they do remember. I am now 10 months into this situation and my children are now telling their dad what they want, and what they think of him. He doesn't know what to think.

I have a friend who is very much involved within the family court system, two things she told me: 1) The Judge looks at the facts. The facts speak volumes, and 2)They have seen it all...they know what to expect. She told me that 50/50 shared parenting is what they like. Listen to your lawyer. I am assuming your Lawyer is good at his/her job. As my Lawyer told me. I have been in this game for over 30 years, and I am extremely good at my job. I would suspect you have a good lawyer too.

Keep being strong...we are all behind you.

(edited due to typos...sorry)

[This message edited by scrambled2 at 3:56 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]