SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I just found out my wife of 20 years made out with a guy a couple of weeks ago at a convention that I did not attend. She did not have sex but there was French kissing, butt rubbing, biting, nibbling, neck kissing, ear sucking, and heavy petting. I am so hurt that she would let another man do these things to her it's devastating. I'm on a roller coaster of emotions. Hurt, betrayal, anger, inadequacy, jealousy, etc. we are trying to work things out and move forward to fix our marriage. I love her more than anyone on the earth. She was my first and only and I hers. We also have 5 kids together. I asked her if she fooled around several times when I suspected and she lied every time. I think I'm feeling better but then, unexpectedly, the images of them together come and I ride the roller coaster again. When will the images leave and not come back? Does this ever get better?

..sorry you have had to join the club of betrayed spouses.

..if i may ask gently, why are you sure they didn't have sex? from what they did do, it seems very unlikely that they stopped at heavy petting.

..in so many cases, the ws will lie and minimize when first exposed.. they go in to damage control..

..it is often just the tip of the iceberg.

..can you be sure this type of behaviour hasn't been explored earlier on in your marriage.. she has obviously changed her boundaries, but i would wonder when they changed.

..sending strength for this horrible journey you have just begun

smy

I had a hard really hard time believing that she didn't have sex for a while but the session happened in a public place, she was there with a group who would have missed her had she gone up to the hotel room as he suggested. She gave plenty of details such as after the session, she went back into the dance party, sat down and said, "boy am I glad I wore tights with this dress so he couldn't get to anything under my dress (which I know is true since I saw a pic of her from that night). I suppose with all the things I know,it is still possible she did have sex but I am choosing to believe her.

..

sat down and said, "boy am I glad I wore tights with this dress so he couldn't get to anything under my dress

..she said this to whom at the party?

..was she admitting to fooling around and could she have been covering up her actual behaviour even to the others at this dance?

..wearing tights never stopped a woman from going as far as they really wanted to go..

..dresses can be lifted.. and tights pulled down..

..i'm seeing some red flags here..sorry.

..i've read hundreds of stories here where this happens and months later, the real truth comes out.

..the photo doesn't prove anything and it is highly possible she gave him oral sex.. and i'm willing to bet this guy wasn't wearing tights under his pants!!!

..there is more to this betrayal than what you know now.

..is there a way of contacting the OM and getting his story? is he married? how long have these two known each other?

..there are a million questions that come to mind in these cases.

..take notes and ask her to re-tell the story a few weeks from now... i'll bet the details change and her story isn't consistent.

..i hope you can get to the truth.. I was lied to for 40 years. It took the ghost of the bfOM to visit me, to finally get the truth from my wife.. she would have taken it all to the grave had i not had the dream and confronted my wife.

..i know you are overwhelmed at this point but take your time, plan out your most pressing questions, write them out so you don't forget them.

..trickle truth is a most horrible way to find out and your Ww must know the damage will only get worse, the longer she drags out her truth.

stay strong man..

smy

calkid,

The answer to your question:

Does this ever get better?

is yes. Yes, it gets better. Then, it gets worse again, then better etc. The roller coaster is totally normal and totally nauseating.

Eventually, the better times will last longer and longer.

It is entirely possible that your wife is telling the truth about her infidelity. My husband actually told the whole truth on d-day (verified by reading every communication between him and OW.)

Take good care of yourself because you need TLC right now. Pace yourself because healing from this is a marathon, not a sprint.

Devastating is the word. But it's not your marriage that's broken--it's your wife. She needs to fix herself. Emotionally healthy, whole people do not have flings while married. Nor do they lie to the person they're supposed to honor and cherish.

Keep posting, and read everything for betrayed spouses in the Healing Library in the yellow box on the upper left of your screen.

I am sorry you're here. But you have lots of good company on this roller coaster from hell!

So sorry your life conditions brought you here, but you're in good company. It's incredibly devastating to learn that the person who is supposed to be the closest to you has violated your vows, your relationship, in such a way. But is has happened to all of us.

Couple of questions: did she reveal this to you, or did you have to ask for her to disclose it? Does your gut tell you she has done more than that? Maybe not with him, but with other dudes? Trust your gut, my friend, it will be your #1 ally through this. Your wife cannot be trusted with what she tells you, especially if she is in this proverbial 'fog'. You may need to do some investigating on your own. My WW told me she was just having an EA with a guy from another state. It was my hard work, digging, investigating, using every resource at my fingertips, that finally led to the fact that she had actually been having affairs on me for almost our entire marriage (starting 6 months after we got married). My point being: it is HIGHLY unlikely that the first thing your WW tells you about her indiscretions is 100% accurate. You may be getting 10-20% of the real story, but you will need to get the other 80-90%.

Next question: Where are you guys now? Are you considering R? Are you taking time to rethink the situation, marriage, etc.? Don't feel pressured into deciding anything, especially by her. You have been the one who was violated and betrayed here. You need to be on even footing with her in order to make a sound, rational decision.

Best of luck to you, brother. Be strong.

[This message edited by Theradin at 9:37 PM, April 29th (Monday)]

calkid,sorry your here and looking for advice,somanyyears is right,my WS first told about the OM hitting on her, then it went to them talking to kissing and the affair, there stories change so many times, i wanted to believe her too at first when she said "nothing happened" but after 2 years she showed signs of a S.T.D. and was busted big time, then some more truth came out,i know its hard not to believe her,you want to , but take it from one who has "BEEN THERE,BELIEVED THAT " keep a journal of when she says what they did, and where she was, and see if the story changes, do the images ever leave? no, there is always something the triggers them back,be careful calkid, this maybe a bumpy ride on this roller coaster...

I agree..there is more to this than she's told you.

I understand..she's your wife...your instinct is to believe her....but she has just proven she can betray you..and trust will need to be earned.

3 years out from dday#1. It's does get better...but the rollercoaster is still there.

Calkid- like everyone's already said- I'm sorry to say I think there will be more to this story- even being in a public place- there are quieter places and if they've found the privacy to engage in all the stuff she's admitted to- I bet she could have found the privacy to go further-

Without being crude- heavy petting in a public place? there's more.

Just so you know- I doubt my wife owns a pair of trousers- still cheated on my 3 times in public places so I'm not sure the tights thing makes any difference.

It's up/down/up/down but it does get better- I might have a down day but I recover quicker than I used to just a month ago. I doubt the images will leave and never come back though mate.

Well, I found out last night, there was more to the story. We were talking last night on the patio and she was telling me how she hates herself for enjoying what happened. She has times where she looks back and gets excited about it and has to tell herself what a piece of trash this guy was. She compared this to taking a drug that takes you way up on a very high high. Of course, that sucked to hear. We were just finishing up talking when we started messing around outside. We finished messing around and she said, "And he didn't even get to see my titities all the way". I replied, "So he kissed your titties then? You didn't tell me that!" I asked her some more about what they did and found out that he did reach up under her dress and when he found out he couldn't get to her private skin, he massaged her vagina through the panties and tights. She grabbed his penis through his pants and he gyrated on her too. VERY hard to hear this stuff. You all are probably thinking, "Yeah, she did this guy" but remember, it was out on the balchony of the convention center with a bunch of people standing around and some were watching them. Groping and makikng out in front of people is one thing but I don't think she'd let a guy do her in front of people in public. We went to bed and were talking. I was holding her and I said, "Say you're sorry." She did over and over again. Then she grabbed onto me and cried harder than I've ever seen her cry. She was saying things like, "Why are you still with me? I'm no good to anyone. You should just throw me away. I wouldn't blame you one bit if you packed my bags and threw me out on the street." She cried for about a half an hour and it took a long time to calm her down. While I'm angry and dissapointed and sometime want to shake her and scream at her, there's another side that feels so bad for her and just wants to help her to feel better. I am hopelessly in love with this woman. We are going to work through this and hopefully, have a stonger marriage. It's just so hard to deal with the fact that she let someone other than me do all these things to her and that she "liked" it! That's why I hardly slept last night.

Hi calkid,

Sorry you have a reason to be here.

...and it took a long time to calm her down.

You will get a lot of advice as a new member. My advice is to stop taking care of your WW so much, and let her learn to take responsibility for, and to manage her own feelings. You did not do anything to make her cry, and if you think about it you are consoling her for being upset that she made out with a guy at the convention. Let her work through this herself.

I also agree to be prepared for this to just be the tip of the iceberg. Not saying that it is, but it would not be unusual for her to have minimized the truth. They were, you report, making out on a balcony so could not have done more. They did not have rooms at this convention?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this, but I have to agree with the others, that I'm afraid this might just be the tip of the iceberg. I admit that I find it strange that she just met some guy at a convention center and then did some serious making out with him. Who is he? How did she meet him?

I guess I just fear that they may have known one another prior to this event. That maybe this affair had been building for some time. Are you sure that she's not talking to him still? I don't think it's out of line for you to check her phone, email, etc.

You do need to care for yourself right now and not worry about her so much.

Hi Calkid -- Sorry you are here. But you are now getting different versions of the story what happened -- this is called "trickle truth" because you learn more everytime.

I believe your wife had sex with this guy -- she is not some teenager -- and if it was work function -- why would she act like this in front of everyone for them to see. Something is not adding up IMO.

I believe this story is just starting for you. Good luck.

She said, we were having problems and was hurt that I didn't care enough about her to come with her so she went out on the balchony to have a smoke and answer her phone. She says she didn't know him. He approached her and started hitting on her. Told her how hot she looked. She was drunk and feeling vulnerable. She doesn't even know his name. I have checked her text messages and emails and they are clean.

calkid,

She has times where she looks back and gets excited about it and has to tell herself what a piece of trash this guy was.

No, the OM does not matter. He may be trash, but she is no more than the matching lid to the can.

What she needs to do is look back at this and ask herself why making out with a piece of trash makes her so excited? What is this fulfilling in her? What did she tell herself when she gave herself permission to flirt, to touch him, to stroke is penis, to allow him access to finger her? What is she going to change so that instead of exciting her, looking back at making out with an OM at a convention disgusts her, shames her, and is a boundary that she would never consider crossing. This is where R for your M (if this is what you want) lies.

ETA:

She was drunk and feeling vulnerable.

Why did she feel vulnerable? Why did she choose making out with a stranger to resolve her feelings of vulnerability? Why was she publicly drunk to the point of affecting her decision making? What will happen the next time she feels vulnerable, unloved, not pretty, sad, stressed, whatever? Will she get drunk and make herself available again to a stranger to fondle her so that she feels "good" about herself? These are issues for her to work through in IC, and need to be resolved before work on the M.

[This message edited by atsenaotie at 10:15 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

That's not a normal thought process though is it? We all get in those scenarios but we don't all suddenly engage in that kind of behaviour.

They might have just met but going through all that seems weird- she's your wife, is it unusual behaviour for her?

To answer your original question- yes it does get better one way or another but- it does sound like your story is just beginning.

Allowing a man to touch you through your tights and massage your vagina and kiss your breasts is not a normal thing to do in front of people.

Im afraid you're going to find out it may have started on the balcony...but ended up in a private room.

So what if the group of people "would have missed her" had she gone to a private room with this man...from what you've said..she was practically naked with him in front of these people.

Ask her to take a poly.

[This message edited by confused615 at 10:18 AM, April 30th (Tuesday)]

calkid,it sounds like your going to get TT (trickle down truth) for awhile,this sucks because just when you think its all out....here comes more information,and the hurt starts all over again,in order to start healing from this there is 2 ways this can happen,1-keep letting her feed you little bits of her story ,2 and this is very difficult to do, get mean, and tell her you want and demand the truth, because this whole thing is tearing you apart,i told my wife after the 2nd D-Day, i want to know it all, and if you want me in your life,then tell me everything, because if i find out later you left something out, its over, we'll get divorced,and i can find someone who will be honest with me, love me,and i can love back, this is tough because you sound like you love her very much and want to stay married, but for me she lied to me for 2 years,and in that time, i could have been looking for Mrs. right,that's what worked for me, she told me everything,its very difficult to deal with, and the mental pictures keep flashing back, but, i am starting to heal, and move on with my life, calkid, i hope this helps,but prepare for the worst,then after she talks about what happened , decide what to do next.

Allowing a man to touch you through your tights and massage your vagina and kiss your breasts is not a normal thing to do in front of people.

Nor is it something that adults do with people that they don't even know....just sayin'.

I can't remember the last time I went out on a balcony and had a total stranger walk up to me, chat me up, french kiss me and then *finger* me....

remember, it was out on the balchony of the convention center with a bunch of people standing around and some were watching them

Sorry calkid

I have a hard time believing this is where they were...maybe where it started, but I doubt they ended up here.

I also don't believe it's something she "just did" randomly. Someone doesn't just go from pure and innocent to groping strangers on business trips....

I think this story is a lot longer than you know.

I would press for the truth...