SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

calkid, gently, didn't she say in the beginning that she pursued OM? Now suddenly she is going to protect herself from predators?

She is feeding you lines. She knows it. She know how badly you want to stay in the M, and she is saying everything she can to avoid fully accepting responsibility.

You are a wonderful, loving, kind person who deserves to be loved and respected in return.

When you are ready, I agree with others that you need to 180. You must give yourself time to heal, time to think, time away from her craziness to figure out what you want, expect, deserve, and what your boundaries are.

I would consider still packing that bag for one of you. You NEED time away from this crazy person who used to be your wife. You are worth so much more than what you are getting from her. SO MUCH MORE!

big hugs!

[This message edited by survivor_kh at 2:10 PM, May 3rd (Friday)]

I tried to read the entire thread, but maybe I missed it if someone told you that the person that cares less about the relationship holds all of the power.

My WW said everything that yours has. She would say whatever it took to make me think things were heading back to normal. She was playing me, friend. Again, just my case I'm talking about here, but it wasn't until I put the stomping boots on that she hit bottom and truly turned it around. I fear that the same my hold true in your case. As long as she has you talking she feels that she can manipulate you any way that she wants. Listen to the wise folks on here.

1.I called Mr. D this morning and read him the riot act..

2. I told him that he took a virtuous woman and changed her into a bad girl and that he should be utterly ashamed of himself. I blame my wife for this too for changing but she was trying to run from him and he chased her and broke down her defenses to wear she sunk so low to allow herself to be degraded to sucking this guy off and letting him cum in her mouth and swallowing his garbage.

Sadly, you are focusing and blaming the wrong person. The person who really wronged you is your wife, also, she told you she chased him from the west coast to the east coast for a chance to be with him, right?

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3. I also asked him to recount the events of the physical encounters and his story matches up perfectly with my wife's. He did not touch her vagina except through her jeans. This matches up with my wife's version, and the version she told my sister-in-law, who is her best friend.

hmm... the "matching story" we all long to hear, except... the story matches because the affair partners have agreed on what exactly the story will be if caught. It's the same story your SIL was fed too. "See she say's the same thing too".. and was she there?

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4.

No need for a lie detecter. I'm done investigating. I know all the facts finally. This feels so good! This is the best I've felt in the last 48 hours. I've got my balls back!!!

Really bad move. She now has you believing what she wants and we all think it's still not the truth. Done investigating? you've only just started.

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5.About 1/2 hour I got off the phone with Mr. D, she said she sent the non-contact letter in a text. I have told her to save the texts. She said she texted him and asked if he could talk to which he responded, "Nope", She asked why and he responded, "I'm not allowed to talk to you at all anymore." She then texted, "Calkid knows!" He said, "Yep" She said, "It's over, goodbye forever."

Textbook breakup. She refused to send a no contact text/letter ... but after you call him within a half our she suddenly sends him a text ending it? PUHHHLEEEZE.. time to start looking for a secret phone, new hidden e-mails, fake facebook accounts - the affair is underground.

6. He said goodbye and walked out of our lives.

Sorry. No. He. Has. Not.

7. she said, "I"m tired babe. I'm tired of thinking about this and talking about this. I just want it all to go back to the way it was before all of this. I just want it to be Calkid and Mrs. Calkid against the world like it used to be."

***

Ok. Your WW seems to be pretty manipulative, so you are going to have to steel yourself. Here's why I say that: she tells you that you need to 'toe the line'. But then, You called *bullshit* on that statement...so now she's changed her method and is trying a new plan of attack.

Do you see this? Do you see how *odd* it is that 24(or so) hours ago she was *guaranteeing* you that this would happen again....and now she's saying that it will NEVER happen again?

She's throwing stuff out and hoping that something will *stick* and you'll just shut-up about it

Please please please re-read that over and over.

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8. You need to fill this (pointing to her heart) because if you don't, somebody else will. This will all happen again, I guarantee it.

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I belive her.

Bro hugs man.

You have received great advice, read all of it and soak it in.

I will only add that you need to pace yourself, you are at the very beginning of a physically and emotionally draining journey, no matter which way it goes. The next six months of your life are going to be the hardest of your life. Not every problem or issue needs to be resolved each day. Some days will just be pure survival, you need to be ok with that. Weeks even. Take your time and be in the moment. Your work is still your work, your kids are still your kids, be present for both.

Sending peace.

I already checked her cellphone records and she did not contact him nor text him for over a week. So, I'm sure we're good there. I'm also pretty sure Mr. D did not know I knew when I called him because when he answered and I told him who I was, he said, "how's it going buddy? I told him he was in trouble and I knew about the affair he responded, "what affair?" After I to,d him not to try to lie to me, he admitted it, so I know he didn't see it coming. So, I think I'm ok on the lie detector test plus right now, I'm not sure I'm mentally strong enough to find out if she's lying about not having intercourse with him.

Cali

I hope you are right but as someone who has BTDT. I would just like to reinforce the SI philospohy for those new to attempting R. Trust but verify.

I thought we were heading down the yellow brick rod right away. He had a hidden cell and a new email account that I knew nothing about. So he was more than willing to let me check his phone and email. A key logger and snooping proved otherwise .

Wishing you peace and strength.

Its too much, I can't take it. I'm going to choose to believe the affair has ended, shes in the process of turning over a new leaf. I'm not going to be gullible anymore either so ill keep close tabs on her but I can't be superspie either. I can't live like that. If, she screws me again, she screws me again and it will be over between us forever. Thanks for all the advice.

I'm going to choose to believe the affair has ended

Much like you believed the 5 versions of her infidelity just this week already?

Listen, you're welcome to rugsweep and believe whatever you want. Just be prepared for another DDay and years of pain and torture if you do. I've been on this board for 5 years, and I've seen it happen hundreds of times where people rugsweep, and then they come back with new infidelities and they never healed from the first infidelity to begin with. It's a MUCH longer, much harder road to follow to repair damage that was caused, and ignored, long ago.

Just sayin.

I'm going to choose to believe the affair has ended

Exactly where she wants you thinking.

108 posts saying pretty much all the same thing.

I feel for you, this is a terrible time for you & I'm sure you are so overwhelmed with all of us and our advice... oddly we've been right all along. And it's not a good feeling.

Calkid, give yourself time. A week ago you thought she had been making out. Now you are grappling with much more. We have been there and are proof you can work through all of this, but it takes time.

Don't take the blame for her A. Experience and process your feelings, don't suppress them. Limit the alcohol, try some physical activity.

All the things we have posted do not need to be done this week. Keep picking out what you need and can use.

Oh calkid, my heart hurts for you. As others have said, it's early yet. Give yourself some time to even out a bit. This is the most traumatic thing any of us has been through. We all want to believe that there was some line they wouldn't cross. We want to believe that they think as we do, that they haven't changed that much. But, as I found out, that thinking sets us up for more hurt down the line.

Please follow through with the lie detector at some point not too far in the future. If she is telling the truth then it will make you feel better. If she is not, then you will know that and be able to deal with it.

I went through 15 months of false reconciliation. After I found out about what he claimed was a one night stand I worked very hard at reconciliation. However, he was still lying to me. Counseling does not work when only one person is telling the truth. Ends up he was still seeing someone. As bad as the pain of finding out he had cheated was this was ten times worse. I gave him the gift of forgiveness and reconciliation, something I would never have thought myself capable of. He threw it in my face by lying and cheating after he saw the incredible pain he had put me through. I found the "whole truth", if I have it yet, almost a year ago now. Although he wants to stay together, I don't know if it's possible now. I don't know if he is capable of telling me the truth and I won't live without it.

Please please Calikid... do not let her get away with this. I know it hurts but do not get in... you will only have to re-open the wound later.

Pull a 180. DETACH. Work on strengthening YOU. She has proven that she does not care about you even half as much as you care about her. Detaching will help, a little bit, in terms of pain. Much more than not knowing and putting off the inevitable full discovery... or, worse, letting her think she got off unscathed and putting you through this all over again.

Let him be. This is all he can handle right now. He'll figure it. SI will be here when he does.

Hey Calkid

Just wanted to offer support. It is such a shitty place to be in.

(((hugs)))

Take the advice that fits and leave the rest. There is a lot of wisdom here...but this roller-coaster has to go at your pace.

Take care of you.

It was a hard but pretty good weekend. Every day being detached from Mr. D, she becomes more amd more the wife I have loved for the last 23 years. She is owning up to what she has done. Occasionally, she'll revert to casting some blame at me for the affair but i quickly correct her and tell her, no you chose to do this and had many different avenues you could have gone down instead mod this. She responds with, "you're right." This guy stalked her and stalked her, things weren't good between us and she was vulnerable to his wiles. On staurday night, she told me,"go ahead, let me have it, I deserve it, tell me what you think of me, exact your revenge, you deserve it, nail me to the cross!" I responded with, "I can't do that" "you should kick me and and send me away." She said. I replied, "you're right. I should.mi should pack your bags, take all the bamk and credit cards, and cash, youre keys, you don't be to take a car because I bought those. I should take you downstairs boot your ass out the door amd say, get to huffing it baby, good luck!" "You,should, you should, that's exactly what I deserve." (She is pretty drunk and hysterial at this point) I said, "I know I should do that, but I'm not going to because i chose mercy. I love you." It was good to see her mourning for her transgressions. Good to see her genuine remorse for the things she has done. I know I'm probably a fool but I still love her more than life itself. You have to understand, I'm 41 and have loved her since I was 17 years old. She was my first sex partner and I hers. Yesterday was wonderful. We spent all day together and connected all day. I saw so many traits of my old wife before Mr.D come out of her. Evrey day since the thread has been cut from the affair, she makes huge strides which gives me hope.

Cali - I am glad that the two of you appear to be on the road to healing. However I must speak up here, and ask you to consider a couple of things.

You two have now joined forces to demonize the man in this. Hey that's ok if you are working on healing, and her recognizing why she chose to commit adultery, which is what she did, sex or not. Felt it was perfectly fine to lie to you multpile times, and carry on like a teenager.

Secondly. Please Please Please for your own health go get STD tested. I know you want to believe her. I wanted to believe my H too when this started. However as a health professional, I knew all to well the chances of him exposing me to something by his actions.

Negative test results gave me hope, and peace of mind.

((((and strength))))))

I got tested last Friday and she goes on Wednesday for std's. I'll get the results back later this week and shell get hers probably by the end of the week or early next. We're not demonizing him, i am. She told me that she persued him but he chased her first and put all his charms on her to get her to that point coupled with me ignoring her right before he showed up. I was a shitty husband, he was a snake and she was ripe for the picking. All I know now is, the sadness has just set in. All I feel at the moment is blackness and despair.

So, she went and saw her therapist yesterday. He told her that at the end of their session that he thought it was interesting that she did not mention her and Mr. D at all. She said, "So." He told her that she has had a recent loss in her life and that at some point she needs to mourn that loss. I believe he means the loss of her lover and the affair. She told him that she has messed up her marriage and family and does not have the right to mourn or feel that way. Her focus right now is on me. I told her, that's the one thing that I cannot help her with. I cannot and will not help her mourn the loss of another man or that messed up fantasy lifestyle. You know, the physical acts that they did, they hurt, they suck, I hate thinking about them but the deception really sucks, no texting before 6a.m. because I leave for work at 6, no texting after 2:30 because the kids start coming home from school then, and no texting on weekends, the constant deleting and covering up. Its just so dark, devious, and deceptive and really hurts.

You can be civil, polite and kind, but don't be in such a hurry to forgive. She has committed adultery and disrespected you and your marriage; it won't be, and shouldn't be, the same marriage as before. The trust is diminished and she has shown herself capable of lying to you big time.

This ordeal you are going through needs to be as unpleasant for her as it obviously is for you. Either that, or the next Mr. D will be putting in an appearance sometime in the future.

Cal, whatever "emotions" come out of her when she is drunk, are not true emotions at all. A person is not capable of expressing true remorse when they are drunk... they are barely capable of identifying the bathroom before they pee in the plant in the corner of the room. Whatever "emotions" she was expressing while drunk are not real. And drinking to solve either of your problems will only lead to both of you being alcoholics.... I think your children deserve better than that, and I think you deserve better than that.