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After third day .... I hear him with her on the phone.....telling her she can do things to make him feel better from all his woes...but worst of all...ends withtelling her he loves her...always told me he never said that to her....now I know it never ended in 2011 from the second time....I had spent all day with him as it is his birthday....then he goes to work to finish some paperwork up and calls her on his way home....

so much pain.....I love him and feel such love with him but knew there was a kink...a disconnect ....why oh why can't she find her own man...her own family....what are his plans going on behind my back...i feel so much like confronting him...i know that is not smart...what do i do....my world is gone...this is it.....i am 54 and my past is gone...was not real....god help me....don't know what to do

i never had girlfriends cuz i hated the way he looked at them...didnt realize I was doing that until recently....i am so broken

I want so much to go wake him up....i need his comfort...how sick is this....he will never end it with her....I want to contact her daughter and tell her that her mother is still involved with a married man...she was appalled to find out in 2011...can she possibly know about this? is he still involved with her with her family knowing? how can that be unless he has given them a timeline and told them he will divorce me when our son is finished with school? Has he been doing this to my life or lying to both of us? help god help I am so pathetic

(((HUGS))))

Sorry for your pain ((((hugs)))

Why can't you confront him?

I think isnt it smart not to confront until I get more evidence? I want to be smart this time....not give him chance to cover stuff up....I want to know as much as I can know....thats all I remember from good advice...

Ok. I had a read back on your previous posts.

I'm glad you found your way here to talk to people who have been through similar terrible times. You are free here to get advice or just vent in this awful time. We are here for you and will help however we can. Are you able to also get some IC so that you have someone safe in real life to talk to?

The healing library (top left yellow box) is somewhere to visit to get some sort of understanding about WS's. Importantly check out the frequently asked questions and the stuff on the 180. Sometimes you read the stuff and you are not ready for that yet, but you can come back to it later. Knowledge is power.

I am really so so sorry for your suffering. It's hard to believe how someone that you share your life with and love can be the one to hurt you so much. You wonder why they don't just leave you. There's all sorts of reasons for this I guess, but I think it's mostly for selfish reasons.

Other wiser members will be along soon with advice for you. I have just had to say goodbye to my partner as what he had done in my relationship was a dealbreaker for me. I didn't want to live my life that way.

MIP, you don't need more evidence. You have *enough*. Your WH is a gas-lighter of epic proportions and he's not going to just *fall on his sword* if you present what you have to him. If you replay that VAR recording to him....he's going to turn it around on you and accuse you of being a crazy, obssessed person and you'll get so caught up in defending yourself that the *real* issue--his telling OW that he loves her, etc.--will get lost in the kerfluffle.

You can *love* him all that you want to, but that doesn't mean that you have to stick around and endure his cheating on you.

You very much need to consider that he is just waiting until your kid is done with school. He very well may be making plans behind your back, so you need to be pro-active and make sure that you are protected....because you can't trust him.

My MIL said the same thing that you did. She can't have friends because her husband (my serial-cheating FIL and Sultan's dad) fucks them all. When she told me that, I remember that I felt really sad for her. And I feel sad for you for the same reason. What your WH has done is a form of *control* over you and it's not right.

You are 54. You still have plenty of years in front of you. Think about how it will feel to spend them in a place of *happy*.

I'm sorry, MIP, I can hear your anguish. You are right, however, it would be better to record another day or two. If you wake him up, he will just gaslight more. He will not comfort you, because his guilty feelings will not allow it.

Think hard about seeing a lawyer tomorrow, to get advice. Knowledge is strength.

People will have more advice for you but my take is to watch a movie or something to distract yourself and don't confront until you have looked at your options and decided what you want to achieve with the confrontation.

Did you back up the info you got from the VAR? Keep it in a safe place.

I messed up

I confronted him I was shaking so much

He yelled and denied

I screwed up the recording....I think it erased on the var but I had held it up to my iphone to record another copy before that but that copy is all staticy

he listened to it but denied it was hime deniesall contact

I amgoing to confront her and tell herto stay away from my family

This is very scary

I feel so alone but thank thank you all for your support

I know I did the wrong thing

Damn my stupid heart

Stop Mainly,

How is confronting her going to help you?

It is time to put you and your kid first. Get to a lawyer pronto, and find out what your rights are. Gather your evidence and decide what you want to do from that point.

He has disrespected you by doing this, and you know that he is manipulating you. He can deny all he wants, but you know.

Take a deep breath, and think about what you need, and want to be happy.

BTW - My MIL divorced at 54, and is the happiest person I know. She wasn't looking for another man, and she got a 1st place Man this time around. He is wonderful to her, and is kind and loving. She only regets not getting out sooner now.

(((( and strength))))

I don't know...it is hard to know what is right. I feel that I want her actions and his to be known, I don't want to be part of the coverup, that led to it again.

I want people to know what she really is. Why would I protect her?

I guess its really a feeling of having control over something in this and being able to hurt her in some way or at least expose her.

I am sure I will regret it.

I talked to her coworker and gave her the message to give to her to stay out of our lives for what that is worth. The coworker was very nice and said that she had experienced this also with her ex-husband, had actually talked about how painful it was with this woman whose own husband actually cheated on her altho she had lied to my husband and said they divorced because he hit her.

Remember, you don't need to convince him - he already knows he's having an affair. You know because of the VAR...who cares if it got erased...you know what you heard. You don't need him to admit what YOU already know. He's not going to leave the A until he feels the consequences. I'd rather spend my life alone than be a third party in my own marriage...

I too was 54 when I finally confronted. I had a very remoreseful spouse and 4 yrs later life is much better.

Other posters are right, you know what you are dealing with, no need to prove anything. Get control of all you can control. Set up an account in your name and get as much assets as you can in it. Get the best lawyer his money can buy.

Get to a therapist and do all for yourself. This is where you start. One step at a time. And please read and implement as much of the 180 as you can.

Is this op married? Out this person to cooworkers, boss neighbors and other spouse if any. If there are adult children, out it to them too. I told everyone and anyone who would listen. I needed to tell so he could not spin his story and he could not. He dumped the ow like a hot potato and I believe he has not looked back. But I keep checking.

You deserve to be the one in control and you are!

2yrs+ I like your reply. That's what I felt too that I wanted to out her, not be a party to their coverup. I messaged her adult daughter who was the one whose facebook page showed me pictures of their second affair. She was very kind to me when I asked her who the man in her pictures was and she found out he was married. Her mother had told her different. She was appalled as her father had cheated on her mother and she had had this girl (11 at the time) and her ten year old sister confront the father...what a vile person she is. She had cried on my husbands shoulder and said she was divorcing him because he hit her...daughter said that was a lie. She hasnt remarried since her divorce and start of affair with my husband in 1999-2004 and then again in maybe?2011 til present. She just uses my husband.

I am so sad

I don't know the facts of my own life. My memories of every day are skewed with the knowledge of the behind my back stuff

Hugs and thanks to all who have offered kindness and thoughts

Keep us updated and let us know how you are doing. Just venting sometimes at least gives a little release. You know you are not alone here and have support. (((hugs)))

(Mainlyinpain)

Geeze . . . you need some help. I have been exactly where you are. Got to hear my H having sex in the car with his first OW. . .lucky me, got PTSD.

Now. Know this, it is not your fault. This is what you need to do. I know how hard it is but try to calm the pain and shock and think rationally.

He is not remorseful. He is pissed that you caught him. They will go underground. You will not be able to use the VAR anymore. It is him and her against the terrible wife. So the tape is no good, BUT it doesn’t matter, you know the truth now. Yes, he will continue to deny it, further proof that his allegiance is with her.

They are going to very be cautious now. They do not want you to have any evidence against them so they can tell everyone else you are crazy, paranoid, etc,

I know it is expensive, but you might want to hire a PI. Or try putting a GPS on his car, without his knowledge, you can track him on your computer, in real time exactly where he goes and for how long. You can PM and I can tell you how if you like. Knowledge is power.

I would not confront the slut, (not at this point), she will lie and she don’t give a sh@t about what you have to say.

I am sorry for you heartache. If I can help one more woman get through this crap, it’s worth it.

No one deserves to be cheated on.

Mainly,

The reason I say not to contact OW isnt' because you shouldn't out it. It's because she will lie to you, she will either deny it, or more likely say it's so wonderful, and make you feel even weaker. Also confronting a broken person about ending this is a futile effort. She doesn't care, or want to hear what you are telling her.

You need to draw your proverbial line in the sand and be prepared to follow through if he crosses it.

This is really your only hope of ending it.

You can never force another person to do something because you want them to do it. If you are lucky, you can make them understand why they shouldnt do what they are doing. Kick his cakeeating plate out of his hand.

((((and strength)))))

The result you want is the one that isn't going to happen. You want him to stop cheating and want some magic words or actions to make that happen.

It's not going to happen. Nothing changes until you, yourself, work on changing and getting stronger.

I understand being afraid to divorce and starting over.

Your first step is to work on yourself, not to "get him back" but to get YOU back or become the past YOU that was stronger, even if that YOU was when you were 10 or 12 or a child.

You can only change or strengthen yourself. Get into IC. Find friends but don't start immediately clinging to them crying, because in a way, you would be using that friend for a role to play for you.

What you need are friends and support outside of marriage, and you'll have to work on this over time. If you have family that's emotionally healthy, start there to reach out a little, visit them a little in small visits to re-establish contact.

Then after IC is working a bit, your world will have expanded beyond using your husband as a life-raft to protect you from the world and shut yourself away from it. Then you will know the difference between LOVING someone when you don't need them, vs. just NEEDING someone and thinking you love them when you don't, you're just being fearful.

Also - using your spouse as your only friend and conversationalist is a helluva lot of burden to have placed on him in life. You want to feel like his partner, not his legal dependent, to stay married. So you need to find your stronger version of yourself, more emotionally healthy one, and change that dynamic first.

Maybe the marriage will survive, maybe it won't, but at some point you have to get to where that answer won't matter as much as getting to be a whole, healthy person again.

[This message edited by Heavy Sigh at 10:03 AM, May 2nd (Thursday)]

(((mainlyinpain)))

I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve this. No one does.

Maybe I have read your post incorrectly, but it sounds like you have already given him a 2nd & 3rd chance. How many chances do you intend to keep giving him? Obviously he has no intention of stopping this abusive behavior.

Believe me, I know, the idea of starting out on your own when in your 50s is scary. But you can do it by taking one day at a time.

Meanwhile, can you even continue to live with someone who is treating you so disrespectfully?

You say you still love him.

The only hope you have to save your M is to walk away. Maybe if he sees that he will lose you, he will come out of the Fog. And if he doesn't, you don't want him, let that slut have him---she deserves what she will be getting.

You have enough proof. What you need now is the courage to kick him out of your life. Nobody needs this ... he is a cancer in your life. Remove the cancer.