SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

okay

MIP, the 180 helps you detach somewhat from your WS and work on strengthening and building up yourself. Putting yourself first. For me, I didn't take it to extremes - I was available to him but not overly available if you know what I mean. I think it also gives the WS a sense of "losing you" which can help wake them up a bit.

We can only speculate about what the psychiatrist thing is all about. It could be a way of staling, or he could be recognizing he needs some help. If he wants to go down this path, sooner the better.

Forgot to tell you a couple of things...

1. Going to IC is good as it is for you, to help you get clarity about the situation and get strong so you can deal with it. I went to IC for almost a year, before and after I filed.

2. Make copies of all finances--bank account records and statements, pay-stubs, tax returns, bills. This will be important to an attorney. You will be able to find out if he is withdrawing funds or spending money on hotels/restaurants that you haven't been to.

My attorney plugged in my EX's SS # into one of the Credit reporting agencies and my Ex-H had opened credit card accounts in his name that I did not know about. Even though they were in his name, we were married and I was responsible for the debt he created. Through his own personal bank account he had spent over 10K dollars in 6 years on his A that I did not know about. He was depositing his bonus money in that account.

Having an A in most states is not illegal, spending community property money on an A is a different matter.

The courts look at it as if he is taking money away from his family to support another lifestyle that does not benefit you or your kids.

I want you to protect yourself emotionally as well as financially!!!

I sucked at the 180. I tried, but I was so weak, in large part because I did not have enough information. Plus, STBX was and still is a Grand Poobah Wizard Master of Manipulation. Me getting lots of IC helped me know myself and my strengths. Me conferring with a divorce attorney gave me information & courage. Me becoming a full-time resident of SI gave me direction & clear vision. Me putting myself first gave me kindness and care I wasn't getting from him.

But I still cooked family meals, still did his laundry, still talked to him. Any time I tried to pull back he'd use the kids to get me back. "Mommy is mad at me. Go ask Mommy if she'll _________ for me." Really not possible to 180 when you're looking at your beautiful babies pleading with you. I had to do what I could to protect myself, establish my boundaries, work on my head to examine the contents.

If you're wondering if cheating spouses truly do lie right to our faces, the answer is yes, they do. My husband invoked his mother's grave and our children's lives, screamed those invocations, actually, as he insisted he was a faithful, loving husband. He screamed for God to be his witness, he begged God to strike him down with a lightning bolt, if he'd ever been unfaithful or lied to me. He sobbed, he blubbered, he despondently whispered that everything was all untrue... He pleaded & begged me to believe him.

During most of our marriage I would have believed him. Surely no one could say those things and be lying, right? A man wouldn't become that hysterical if he wasn't telling the truth, right? But after DDay, and after each successive discovery? That line from Shakespeare kept ringing in my head, "Methinks the [man] doth protest too much."

My FWH told me I was crazy for years and swore on the lives of his Granchildren that there was nothing going on!!!!!

Read my profile...there was alot of "nothing"

When asked in mc how he could swear on the lives of his Grandchildren, he stated he didn't remember saying that!!!!!

They will say ANYTHING when they are cornered.

My FWH didn't take it seriously until I threw his ass out and told him to go with her.

She didn't want him when she could have him all to herself.

So take yourself to a lawyer, how many different ways can it be said?

All this pain, all your stories are so sad. Why isn't this epidemic given more attention? It seems as destructive as any cancer to me yet I had no idea really of its destructiveness until I was a victim and even then after the first discovery I was really not put on any path of true understanding.

This is the only place where people make sense. I really think you have to have experienced it to help someone. I have found an IC for me and hope to have an appt next week. I have found a good PI and will see what she says next week. I still have to find a good lawyer. And altho it feels bizarre I have to find my husband a psychiatrist. Only because he has many work obligations right now and is doing overtime. Feels like I am in limbo but my son comes home from NY tonight so YAY! I will get some love from him, altho I have to hide all this from him which is hard. Just want to make the right decisions but what to do when everything is SNAFU

Have a wonderful time with your son. I found it hard to hide my crying etc from my teenager no matter how hard I tried, mind you someone only had to look at me or something to set me off again :/

I'm doing much better now, time is a good healer, and getting things put into place, ie IC, lawyer etc helps as it gives you something to plan and think about and is a step in the right direction.

Enjoy the love from your son.

I am absorbing everyone's advice and experiences. I am being aloof and mysterious...don't laugh.

But really, I am trying some of the 180 and finding that it calms me somewhat, it gives me a guideline and makes me feel less scattered, more in control.

Husband really can't talk about it at all he says until he sees a psychiatrist. Won't even admit to any contact. If I try to question him at all he is very anxious and upset. But I did get him to admit to having a hidden cell phone. One of those throw away ones. First he denied denied but I told him he could give me some reason to keep on a path with him and if he couldn't give me words or revelations, he could just go get and then hand me this cell phone. Now, he told me that he threw it in a dumpster the morning after I played him the Voice recorder conversation. I think this may be the truth but not sure. At any rate I have to view it as progress. He became agitated when I asked how long he had had it, which I think means for a looong time, but maybe this revelation is progress? Don't know. This is going to be so hard and for the third time now. I am fearful of not getting all the information I need, of not getting full disclosure and always living with questions if we stay together or even if we don't. I keep remembering days when things felt off to me and realizing why now...this is so sad to once again have to rewrite my memories.

If you are willing to give him the gift or R, he needs to know anything less than complete transparency will cause serious long term damage. My WH was incapable of telling the truth to save his own life... Alcoholic, self destructive, asshole! It's been two years and I am still pissed off because he's never come clean. He sober now but the first year was hell and the second year, going into our third now, is still hard because I can't forgive him for the lies and secrets he's never come clean over. If I knew he was never going to come clean, if I knew My boys and I were going to have to endure so much the last couple of years, I think I would have ended it there. For a long time it made sense to try because he was finally getting sober after years of abuse. That seemed like the wrong time to leave. Now there's this sense of feeling like we've been through so much, now would be the wrong time to leave because then it's all been for nothing. Don't let him make the same mistakes my WH did and if he insists on making the same mistakes, get out sooner than later or risk PTSD like me. get on with your life and be the person you want to be instead of someone riding an emotional exhausting roller coaster for years on end. Unless, and this is a judgement only you can make, unless risk to your children would be greater in divorce than in staying. Sorry for my emotional response. I'm having one of those days. But, hopefully others can learn from my mistakes. Right now, I feel like I've done nearly everything wrong from the moment I decided to spend my life with WH.

Nice to hear from you Ladyo.

Mainly - You are right there are a lot of sad stories, but also a lot of experience and valuable information.

Figuring out what is best for you will be your hardest job.

Take your time, take all the time you want.

Except do not pass go, get the legal advice right away!!!

Could someone tell me how to read someone else's profile? Thanks much.

There is a happy face on the upper right hand corner of all posts. Click that happy face and the profile will show up.

I hope you are having a better day. You are in my thoughts today. Sending you strength and light.

(((mainly))))

He definitely is using the Psych as a delay tactic. And YOU have to find one for him? He is manipulating you.

How about you telling him he needs to come home tonight with an appointment for a psychiatrist, if he doesn't well then he shouldn't bother coming home.

He has continued to lie to you. He is admitting only what he is afraid you already know.

This time sucks for sure. But one thing about R, and healing from this is that you get to be in the driver seat. He lost the chance to be a decision maker, when he lied to you yet again.

YOU get to dictate how this will go, and if he chooses not to do it, then do you really want to be with someone that does not respect you enough to do what you ask? It's not like you are asking for outragous things. You want transparancy, honesty, and him to be in a marriage that involves just 2 adults. You and him.

((((and strength)))))

Thank you all for the kind words and support. You don't know what it means to me. I love you all for your kind caring souls. I think the not talking until seeing a psychiatrist is stalling at least in part, a way to delay having to come clean and pay the consequences. He has always, in everything, tried to evade blame for anything falling on himself. I also think though that he does not have the skills to be truthful and he is searching for that. I also did get him to tell me that this time started "in 2013" so maybe a year at most with no contact since 11/2011 time? He wouldn't tell me what month so I am guessing January. And he wouldn't tell me who initiated it so I am guessing he did. That hurts.

This is definitely it for me if we can stay together this time. I so wish I had done investigating earlier, that I knew how to do that in the past. There will definitely be a lot of it from now on which I hate my life having come to. He needs help for his habitual lying, something I have known forever. He knows now too but I don't know if he will work hard enough to overcome. I am afraid, afraid, afraid. I see all the other couples in my life, our age so secure with each other and I want that feeling. This shouldn't be so hard.

He tells me he loves only me, wants to grow old with me. Will never do this again. But I have heard it all before...there is no room for hope in my heart. Sad sad sad.

Ladyogilvy: get out sooner than later or risk PTSD like me. get on with your life and be the person you want to be instead of someone riding an emotional exhausting roller coaster for years on end

your words ring so so true and comforting for me... mine was/is an "Alcoholic, self destructive, asshole!" who never came clean.

mainlyinpain: I see all the other couples in my life, our age so secure with each other and I want that feeling. This shouldn't be so hard.

He tells me he loves only me, wants to grow old with me. Will never do this again. But I have heard it all before...there is no room for hope in my heart. Sad sad sad.

Be strong. For me, the longer I stay away - the stronger I get. Keep doing whatever it is that makes you feel stronger.

Mine never 'came clean' either - but like I read someone say earlier -- it doesn't even matter to me anymore (I left him).

[This message edited by haleyscomet at 1:15 AM, May 7th (Tuesday)]

I'm so sorry you are facing this. I am your age and after 30 years together I felt kicked in the stomach and heart over and over while reading the emails OW and WH wrote to each other. We have had so many tough things happen to our family in the last several years and life has been really hard. I never thought my husband was cheating though he was certainly mean and disconnected. This was something he did to our family all on his own.

It hurts to find out you were believing lies.

Hi mostly. I am so terribly sorry for your heart wrenching pain. I found letters between my WS and OW but thankfully never heard it. For some reason, the hearing would be that much more piercing, and my agony has been almost unbearable at times.

I *think* I might have started the 180 a bit and its really helping me to feel planted on the ground. And I realize that I do not, DO NOT, love liars. Imagine what staying with your liar will continue to do to you. hsosoooooooooooooso wzsy

Sorry, difficult to post on mobile device. Others here have given you excellent, smart, wise, take care of yourself advice. Do whatever u need to do, and please do everything they said. Its all for your own protection and self empowerment.

So so sorry for your sadness and agony.

So, he had his psychiatrist appt today at 3pm. I have been waiting two weeks since I discovered evidence on VAR. He hasn't really told me anything except that he wants to stay with me. Not sure I believe that it will JUST be with me. I am not sure how to act when (or if) he tells me his story tonight. Do I do any of the 180 now or just in the days to come? Can't imagine being happy and aloof after he tells what he is going to tell. And what do I do when he gaslights? That is my biggest anxiety. Am I supposed to be understanding of his angst, his problems where he will say he doesn't remember saying the words on the recorder? This is what he said he had to see a psych about but I think it is really only himself wanting to believe his own lies, to control all. I do feel sorry for him. Is that wrong? Should I rein that in? I don't feel like being angry is right for him as "criticizing" him never works and anything but rainbows and puppy dogs is criticizing. I really just want to know truths, what happened, what will happen and how he really feels. No telling me he loves only me if that is not true. But I think he knows I will end it if he admits to loving this thing. But it would kill me if he ended up with her and she would be forever in my life. I just feel like his being with her has eroded his true personality and I don't know if the one I love will return.

What do I do if he wants to delay the talk? His cousin died today and I am afraid he will say he is unable to have the talk today. Don't know what I will do then. Have felt so controlled by him with this delay, but he says he is doing all that he can. Worry about what is and has been possibly going on behind my back. It never ends

Mainly,

You are having all the feelings you should have. The anxiety, fear, feeling manipulated. And just realizing that this is normal at this stage is very important. Taking care of yourself first is your most important job.

I know it may sound like harping, and you may have already taken care of this, but...have you sought legal help. Just knowing my legal rights gave me great power. And, as you can see I am not divorced. But, my wh, just knowing what could happen legally, gave him a sudden clarity!!! L(LOL)_

Keep posting, the support here is invaluable.