I struggle when my wife goes on business trips. That was where her affair was mostly conducted. She is currently out of town on one of these 4 day trips. I still struggle with feeling safe. I was really bothered last night when she called me to say goodnight. In her defense she was back in her room by 9:45, but she was obviously pretty tipsy. Here are my thoughts to her:
Consequences.
When you chose to have an affair, you probably didn't realize the consequences of your actions. I think even today you don't realize the consequences of the lies, deceit, betrayal, and utter disregard for myself and your family.
As a consequence of your affair. I have been changed forever. I know that you think our marriage will be stronger than before. And I hope it will too. But you also need to realize the effect of your decisions on me.
As a result of your affair:
I will always wonder whether you are being honest with me. I had no idea what was going on. None. Now when I think about our lives, I wonder if I am being fooled again. After all, on the night I found your emails, I believed in all my heart that you loved me and that we would be together forever. So now, when I am with you, and I think everything will be o.k., I am still reminded that I used to believe that..and it was a lie.
I haven't had a decent night sleep in over a year. I dream of you and him. I dream of you leaving me for him. I dream of him taking my children from me. He is now a part of my life.
I panic. I shake. I cry. I think about you and him together all the time.
I remember all of the love emails between you and him. As much as I try to move past them, they are a part of my life...I will never be able to forget them. Pieces of your emails haunt me. Buying condoms. Buying chocolate syrup. Wines, songs, cars, cookies on a plane. T-shirts. Perfect love. Eggs Benedict, "WWBD". All these things, remain with me. Even as they become less painful. They will always be in my memory, they will always be a part of me.
I have to struggle every single day with my emotions and my anger at this. I have to gauge every response, and have to check every emotion. I am left with the chore of trying to rebuild myself. I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this pain. It was place in my heart by you.
I have force myself to focus on simple tasks and not dwell on things. I have to force myself to work and not think about you and him. I have to force myself to work and not think about whether you are back in contact with him. Every day.
I have to find a way to let go of the pain. Pain I didn't ask for. I have to find a way to let go of the anger. Anger I didn't want. I have to let go of the betrayal. There are many days, I don't think I can.
I have to forgive you every day. I have to forgive and love the person that purposefully caused me more pain then anyone else I have ever known. There are many days that I struggle with this.
I have to trust you. Knowing what you are capable of. Knowing that I will never know for sure when the hammer might fall again. But I have to. And that's hard.
When you go on trips. I have to relive the memories of you and him. I was not there during your business trips. During Newport, during Saint Louis, and for whatever else I don't know about. I don't know how your affair blossomed, how it started. Whether it started over drinks with friends or casual outings. I will never know what went on. I don't know what happens on the trips that you go on now. You can tell me one thing..but we both know that you could easily be doing anything you wanted. We both know that it is possible that you are simply lying to me. It happened before, it can happen again.
I have panic attacks before you go on trips. I don't sleep. It is a huge trigger and it brings back a flood of memories, whether memories from the emails or memories created by my own imagination. But I struggle so much with them. And that's simply a consequence of your affair. When you call me after a "few" drinks, I don't know who you have been with. You could tell me, but I don't really know for sure, it could be a lie. What I do know is that you are out of town, drinking, in a hotel. All these things are huge triggers for me, and force the affair back into my head. No, I am not your warden. I don't set boundaries about your drinking on trips. But this is the effect it has on me. This is one of the consequences of your affair--I panic when you go to hotels and drink while on business trips. I know you think you are being good. That's great for you, it doesn't change the affect that it has on me.
So I struggle. I struggle every day through pain and shit. Through doubt. I cling to the fact that I do love you. I cling to the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. That is what keeps me going. But I still suffer from the consequences of your choices
R has been going really well, we are about 15 months out. Sometimes R is going so well, that I feel that she doesn't want to acknowledge the damage that was done.