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I am going to take a different approach because I see it differently.

I see this as the GF reaching out to you. I bet this was a very hard email to compose and send for her. It almost sounds like you are punishing the GF just because she is with your ex, you said you know nothing about her.

You have already stated you have no intention of buying DD a dress but this woman is asking your permission first. Not only that, as much as you want to hate her, she is in your daughters life and can be an influence on her (as can any adult your child comes into contact with: teachers, her friends parents, even your adult friends.) Maybe GF can offer insight to what is going on, from your daughters perspective, from an outside perspective. Maybe she can influence different behaviors. And if things are so bad between you and DD, think of the information she has on you and where it comes from. I wonder if she doesn't realize how badly your daughter is treating you. Not to pit her against your daughter but to influence DD to be nicer towards you or so you can both see both sides.

If you make GF the bad person she will be (for you), but if you make her an asset to your relationship with DD then that too can happen and find out if she is a good person (GF). By pitting kids against the ex's new SO or spouse you only put your kids in a really bad position becuase they just might like the new person. Not only that, when kids visit the ex, they are in her home and GF/spouse is the adult so there needs to be a certain amount of respect, and that is going to start with you (just as you would expect/wish for the same if you had a SO living in your home). Suppose the ex's do find someone nice who has their act together and would be a good influence, wouldn't that be nice!

There are so many influences in childrens lives it is unbelieveable and if the GF is a positive influence (has a job, nice person, does the right things in life), then why not embrace that fact.

Just because she doesn't have kids of her own does not mean she is not capable of being a good influence or that she should not want to do things with/for your daughter. I see this all as her trying to help and I felt like she was really trying to be kind to you.

GF is reaching out to you and wants to try to establish some sort of relationship with you, you who are very important to your daughter. She is trying to set an example and establish a cordial relationship so when you all do have to get together for DD you can demonstrate how to move on and still be civil to one another.

Just imagine how it would be if you were with someone and you were in the situation of the GF..... You see a young lady having a terrible time with her mom whom she misses and needs and you feel this way. Would you really turn a blind eye and not try to reach out? What about if you were with someone with kids? Would you try to reach out to the ex whom he shares time with the kids? At least make it less uncomfortable when you have to spend time together?

She clearly likes your daughter and is trying to incorperate her into their lives. It could be the opposite, she could make your daughter feel very unwelcomed by not caring and pushing her away.

Maybe GF has no idea what stuff was gifts from the kids, maybe she has influenced your Ex to get more involved with your kids and just maybe the things they are doing they really think they are being helpful with.

It is very tough to become part of someones life when there are kids, it is such a fine line. We all just want to move on with our lives and incorpetate our past families with our new ones, and that can be made tougher or easier depending on how we handle the situation.

Just offering a different perspective on the situation.

Unfortunately on this site, we see all kinds of bad behaviour. My first thought is always sinister. I think I've become jaded.

Ick! I guess I'm negative today because to me that email was just oozing with faux niceness.

If I were you I would respond, but only address the single thing in that long diatribe that requires a response, the dress:

Dear fake bitch who is dating my XH,

Thank you for your note about DD's graduation dress. As long as she's okay with it, please feel free to go dress shopping with her.

Again, thank you for asking.

I'm with Hoops on how I viewed her email.

To me, it seems like she cares about your daughter and would like to meet with you to kinda get to see who you really are vs the stories she might have heard. She might also feel like she could help your daughter if she was able to give you some "behind the scenes" information on how your daughter is reacting to your "tough love and realistic consequences". I'm not saying that you're wrong about how you're responding to your daughter, just that the GF seems concerned for your daughter.

[This message edited by BeingNaive at 1:46 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

You said you think maybe events get whitewashed for the GF to make you look like the meanie. Maybe she has this hunch as well. Perhaps you should take her up on the offer and fill her in on the truth.

I keep wondering how else she could have phrased the request?

Sure Chrysalis may not feel inclined ot have coffee with this person. Totally understandable. But I'm not sure how else this e-mail could have been written. Its a tricky situation and I'm not sure the content of the e-mail its self is all that offensive.

Chrysalis - you are under no obligation to respond, accept or deal with her in anyway. If you don't want to interact with her...don't...don't even respond. She'll get the point.

GF just needs to understand that even if her intentions are entirely pure, you do not need her to mediate in your relationship with your own daughter.

If you did need someone to fill that role, a professional would be a better fit for that than your X's GF of 5 months.

NL

I've been trained to nice people into doing what I want. Lemme break down the letter for you, as I read it.

Paragraph1: Hi! I'm a friendly, fun-loving person! I'm not so sure about you, though.

Paragraph2: Offer I could make to the 18yo girl herself, except it's actually a ploy to get you thinking that I'm a generous, giving person so you won't notice that I'm begging you to take this troubled young lady off our hands for a while, because I am getting a little tired of having to live with a father; this is NOT how Father Knows Best showed teenage children behaving!

Paragraph3: Inane feel good crap so you forget that I just tried to guilt you into doing something that would benefit me more than anyone else in this entire cast.

Paragraph4: Remember how I'm friendly and fun-loving!

ETA: I went back to read her email one more time and I am amazed at the bubble wrap job she did... the equal amount of ass-kissing and hand-shaking on either side of the "you are abandoning your daughter, you bad bad mom" message. I almost want to count words to see if they are exactly even. What does CurrentChickie do for a living?

[This message edited by ImNellNow at 5:35 PM, May 8th (Wednesday)]

Interesting - I agree with everyone (how codependent is that!!?? )Actually I'm leaning toward Nature Girl's take. (An NPD is going to seek out Co-dependent).

But however the letter was meant, whatever it's intent,or purpose...and regardless of the sincerity or duplicitous nature of the send - Here's the thing - you don't want any new strings or threads that lead backward to an NPD X, soo... I'd go with short response: "I have no objection to your dress shopping plans, but thank you for asking, that was very considerate."

As for the rest - I wouldn't touch it, cause it could too easily draw you back in to the blackhole... If her intentions are good - she won't do any harm. If they aren't - you avoid giving her (or your daughter) fodder for future feuds...

Thanks Hoop for your take on the letter.

First, I do not know the women nor do I hate her. I actually feel badly for her because Npd-x unrecovered alchololic will not treat her well as he does not think he has done one thing wrong, so doesn't need help. According to him I am the problem...and give it a few years and she will be the problem.

I pit no one against anyone.....I am complete no contact with Npd-x as well as all of his friends. That is what helped me survive this nightmare.

I see no reason to change my stance on NC, just because this GF moved to town. My kids are late teens and after next year both will be gone and there will be need for any contact at all except for weddings or funerals. I do not care to be her friend, therapist, or anything at all.. To me that is a slippery slope to triangulation...a favorite tactic of X-Npd (and I suspect as the root fo this email)

The way I look at it is I mind my side of the street. I have heard a few earfuls of complaints against GF from my teens. But would never dream of sending her an email. Heck her relationship with my kids is her business not mine. My kids get to decide how to interact with her. Of course, I am glad she is nice to them...but I have no idea of how much I hear is reality or not.

I guess I am different than you, as I would not reach out to the x-wife if her kid was having trouble with her. Not my place....it is the father-mother-therapist's deal. Not me...the gf. Not in anyway sayng that approach is wrong, just not for me.

My initial reaction to this email was shocked she sent this....how presumptuous for a women without children to intrude into my family and my life.

^^THIS is spot on. She has been there 5m. Its not like she has been there for a decade and understands the dynamic.

She has no place contacting you like this on a topic like this at a time like this.

**Crickets**

Paragraph1: Hi! I'm a friendly, fun-loving person! I'm not so sure about you, though.

Paragraph2: Offer I could make to the 18yo girl herself, except it's actually a ploy to get you thinking that I'm a generous, giving person so you won't notice that I'm begging you to take this troubled young lady off our hands for a while, because I am getting a little tired of having to live with a father; this is NOT how Father Knows Best showed teenage children behaving!

Paragraph3: Inane feel good crap so you forget that I just tried to guilt you into doing something that would benefit me more than anyone else in this entire cast.

Paragraph4: Remember how I'm friendly and fun-loving!

ETA: I went back to read her email one more time and I am amazed at the bubble wrap job she did... the equal amount of ass-kissing and hand-shaking on either side of the "you are abandoning your daughter, you bad bad mom" message. I almost want to count words to see if they are exactly even. What does CurrentChickie do for a living?

Nell, thank you so much. You put into words exactly what I was sensing.

And Take2, I do not want any threads leading back to the NPD. GF has no idea of what the kids and I have been put through, and would not believe me if I told her. Experience has been a very hard teacher due to my thick head and codependent nature. I have no intention of playing happy family with them, even if she is the nicest gal in the world. She picked him...I am out KWIM?

My quandary is to do the best thing for my DD18, who I fear is teetering on the edge of NPD herself.

I wonder if I should forward the email to DD18?? Probably a bad idea.

No, don't invite more people into the crazy! Either ignore it (hard to do) or thank her (insincerely if you want) for sending the email and ask her to kindly give NPD-X's balls back to him.

Oh, and an NPD is also likely to be drawn to someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (especially of the "waif" variety). Go ahead, ask me how I know.

How do you know?

At various points over the past year, wifetress has reached out with similar emails/texts. In general, I've thanked her and was done with it. A couple of contacts were helpful, she let me know that my daughter was upset and crying about my SO's father dying. And while she never expressed an interest in "getting together to chat" the implication was there. My thoughts each time were a mix of pretty much each one of your responses, a generous mix of "skanky whore, don't talk to me about my sweet dd to at least one of them is letting me know what is going on in their lives.

If I am remembering correctly, didn't your daughter just tell you that you could cohost a graduation party with NPDex and gf if you kicked in $10 per head and you could then invite 20 people?

My guess is that this little overture is at the behest of your daughter who wants the extra 20 invited to get herself some extra gifts. Since you said no, she is having girlfriend butter you up to cohost (the ultimate goal of the coffee meeting). The NPD doesn't seem to have fallen far from the tree here...

Chrysalis,

I agree with Hoops interpretation but I also agree that you should not interact and make ties with GF. A simple reply saying that its ok for her to get the dress would be appropriate and thank her for asking. That should be it. Let the rest lie. All the rest is to suck you in but that part sounds legit.

I cannot believe that his is so unclear. Seriously, Chrys, this person is the 'twinkie du jour'. She's only been in his life for 5 months. ALL of this is none of her business. Whether she's evil or has the best of intentions, she obviously has poor boundaries and a severe lack of interpersonal skills. IF she ever becomes the wifey, you'll have to deal with her on some level, but now she needs to butt out. Don't form any kind of relationship with her and most certainly do NOT allow her to think she can advise you on mother/daughter relationships.

^^ 100% this!