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I made the phone call. I don't know how I feel about all of this... The lady asked what was my history (sort of). She then said that they were a rape crisis center. I had to say the words to her! On top of that the counselor has the same name as my exwh's mistress.

I have an appointment tonight. I don't anticipate it going well. I don't think they will take me very seriously

[This message edited by courageous at 8:17 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

(((couragous))) so glad you took the first step to getting help.

I don't anticipate it going well. I don't think they will take me very seriously

It may not go as you had planned but they will take you seriously. I remember my first IC session, I barely was able to say anything because I would burst out into hyperventilating sobs. Stick with it. It gets easier.

The first step is always the hardest, you should be proud of yourself.

I have an appointment tonight. I don't anticipate it going well. I don't think they will take me very seriously

You know what I've found to be true in my own life? When I am uncomfortable telling someone about something, like my history of abuse, I downplay it. And then people don't take me seriously, because I don't make it a serious thing. This is a defense mechanism, but it ends up hurting myself. It took me a long time to realize that I do it. I've wondered a few times in this thread whether you do it too, based on the reactions you get when you've mentioned it to people IRL. It's 100% something you would be doing on a subconscious level.

I wonder if it would help you to print this thread and take it with you tonight. As difficult as it is to talk about, and if you have any tendency to minimize, you've put a lot of it into this thread, and could let her read it, if nothing else.

AMA- you are right. I do down play it a lot. When she asked me questions all I said was that he wouldn't take no for an answer. I hate saying the words but I also don't want to appear like I'm being over dramatic and making things up.

Everyone has a hard and rough life how I look at my life effects my outlook on life as a whole. So if I think I was horribly abused then I have a much more negative outlook where as if I think things were not so bad I can be more positive.

People who know me IRL see me as a bubbly cheerful person. I'm under estimated all the time about my intelligence. People don't realize how much words have hurt me because I have been able to turn everything into a joke and even laugh at my own expense.

I guess you can say with me still waters run very deep.

(((((courageous))))) I am so very proud of you for taking that step, honey!

Please please advocate for yourself tonight. Stand up and speak your truth - don't downplay it. Just straight facts, as if you were reporting what happened to someone else. You can do this. Strength and comfort to you!

I really like the idea of you printing out your responses in this thread. It's a genius idea, actually.

Tell your story, Hon. Don't minimize it.

Sending comforting hugs your way. I hope it went better than you expected.

K

How did it go, courageous? And more importantly, how are you doing?

The appointment was an epic fail. It was raining a lot and traffic was horrible. My gps in my car sent me around and around in circles. So then I used my iPhone GPS and it continued to get me lost. I finally made it there and the counselor had already left because I was late.

I did fill out the paperwork and made another appointment. I don't have a good feeling about this. If this counselor doesn't take what I have to say seriously, this is the last time I go to anyone for help.

I was very anxious going in and I feel that when I do have my appointment I'm going to burst into tears. I don't want to talk about things but I don't want to continue feeling this way.

I keep wondering why I need to see a counselor and how will they actually help me?

One of the questions on the intake form was what I was hoping to accomplish with the IC. I didn't really know what to say.... I'm out of the relationship. What more is there really to do? He can't be arrested.

I'm struggling with it all

[This message edited by courageous at 11:06 PM, June 11th (Tuesday)]

(((C)))

Okay, let's talk through this. Why are you going to IC? Why is IC important to you? What is the purpose of IC in the healing process?

I would guess it's to process (and accept/validate) what you experienced, to minimize and manage the power/effect of those experiences in your current life, to find healthy coping mechanisms for dealing with triggers, recognizing patterns in yourself to prevent this from ever happening again, build healthy relationship skills, build self confidence, become a stronger woman and mother, etc.

Any of that hit close to home?

If this counselor doesn't take what I have to say seriously, this is the last time I go to anyone for help.

PLEASE don't give up.....there are truly good counselors out there and after what you have been thru, trust me....it will help.

Abuse rewires our brain. It changes the way we think about things and the way we look at life.

Trauma and abuse changes us. And when something traumatic happens to us, we carry it around inside, whether we acknowledge it or not. We can bury it deep, but at some point it ALWAYS comes out in some form or another and it is usually damaging.

A good counselor can help you work thru the trauma, see it in a different light, and release it from your body. They can help you reframe the circumstances of your abuse so you can see it from an outsider's point of view. They can help you make some sense of it and also help you release any of the toxic emotions and feelings you are carrying around because of it.

I know it is scary and it is hard work. True growth always is....but I know you can do this. You are reaching out here and I feel you are ready. You are so strong and courageous. Remember that when you want to run from this....you can do this. ((((hugs))))

ETA. Many women are raped by their husbands/partners. Most don't report it. Many women feel either 1. too embarrassed 2. they deserved it 3. it wasn't really rape since it was their partner and sometimes they may submit willingly. My first H manipulated me into sex before I was ready. I was a virgin. He called me a c**k-tease and it made me feel guilty. He told me it physically hurt men when they got excited and couldn't follow thru. I submitted. At the time, it just felt icky. Now, I see it as abuse....Not only that, but when I was hesitant about marrying him, then he told me that since I was no longer a virgin, no other man would want me. He guilted me into sex, then into marriage. Great start for a marriage, huh? And people wonder why I left that one.... At the time, I was a good Catholic girl and I believed him. He took advantage of my naivete and my religious beliefs and manipulated me into doing things I was not mentally or emotionally ready for. That WAS abuse....

Remember this. It is YOUR body. Only YOU have the right to do with it what you want. If you are asleep or unconscious or coerced in ANY way at all, it is rape. It is against your will. It is a violation of your body, your mind, your soul.....

I am angry for you for what he has done. When you get to the anger part, you will start healing. I know right now you are still in shock. But again, a good counselor will not only believe you (and any counselor that does NOT believe you should not be counseling) but will help you heal. Sending you strength and positive vibes....

[This message edited by NaiveAgain at 6:40 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

What more is there really to do?

What Ama said.

For me, it wasn't about getting justice, it was about healing myself. Understanding why I allowed myself to be treated poorly and how to not allow that to happen in the future. Accepting that at the time I did the best with the skills I had but being determined to grow and learn from my mistakes so they didn't happen again.

Your IC will help you understand that it wasn't your fault and you were just doing what you thought had to be done (fight or flight). She won't be able to change the past but instead teach you how to move past from it and will help to teach you how to recognize and confront bad behavior in the future.

Your IC will help you understand that it wasn't your fault and you were just doing what you thought had to be done (fight or flight). She won't be able to change the past but instead teach you how to move past from it and will help to teach you how to recognize and confront bad behavior in the future.

Change this to a GOOD IC. Some counselors are not good... if this one isn't going to work... give up THIS particular counselor and find another one. You will know, it may be uncomfortable, but you will feel the support of your IC.

Hugs and prayers coming your way.

K

Why are you going to IC?

Honestly.... Because bf thinks I need it to be in a healthy relationship with him. I love him and think I want to marry him. I have bad thoughts (rape thoughts) ... Although I don't see anything wrong with them I know that it is not healthy. I want my daughter to grow up healthy and protected.

Why is IC important to you? What is the purpose of IC in the healing process?

I don't know why it would be important. I guess I struggle with what would they make different in me? Am I already healed? I don't know. It's like I have allowed a broken arm to heal on its own... It's not in the proper alignment and now I have to go to a doctor to break it all over again to set it correctly. Having to rehurt myself to be better...is it really worth the pain?

I think i have minimized things so much in my life so far that it can't touch me except when i think about it. I admit my coping skills are horrible...when in doubt start talking about sex and acting dirty (gee isn't that how I got in the situation with my ex?)

I had a bad nightmare last night. I dreamed my ex BIL confronted me on why I hadn't been talking to him. I explained that I was verbally attacked by exwh's friends and needed to protect myself. Then MIL and FIL shows up. They say that they knew I went to the rape crisis center and they demanded to know why I was there. I told them it was their fault they raised exwh the way they did and I was there for what he did to me. Then they left to go tell exwh.

I was so afraid of him coming to confront me. My front door was like the swinging doors on commercial kitchens. I had a small little hook that the door only had to be swung the opposite direction for it to open. I see exwh coming up. I'm hold a hand gun in one hand while trying to hold the doors closed. I was so afraid of what he was going to do to me once he got in.

In real life he has never hit. I have no idea why I fear him so much.

Am I already healed?

I think you answered your own question:

I think i have minimized things so much in my life so far that it can't touch me except when i think about it. I admit my coping skills are horrible...when in doubt start talking about sex and acting dirty (gee isn't that how I got in the situation with my ex?)

I had a bad nightmare last night...

I understand wanting to do this for your SO, but you have to want to do it for yourself, or you will never be able to truly open up to the IC. And you may grow to resent your SO, and blame him for the hard parts that do naturally come with IC.

Yes, it does sometimes get "worse" before it gets better, because all of those negative thoughts and feelings that you have shoved down (unsuccessfully, see your own statements above) have to be stirred up and reexamined to work on them. And it SUCKS to let them out of the little boxes we create for them.

But wouldn't you rather have a healed, healthy "arm" in the long term, than to live for the next 10, 20, 30, 60 years with this broken, misaligned "arm"? You deserve better. Your daughter deserves better (and trust me, she watches how you interact with men, and she will imitate it in her own relationships). Your SO deserves better from you, deserves you healthy.

[This message edited by Amazonia at 10:01 AM, June 12th (Wednesday)]

The shame is not yours to bear, and telling people you trust helps you break free from the bondage of the abuse.

THIS. So much. CFT, you got that right. True words.

If the two people I told didn't think it was serious how would anyone else?

There's no easy answer for that. It's possible it wasn't a priority issue for them. It's possible the L thought it would cloud the D process. Personally, I think when this happens when you tell someone something like this, they can't deal with it, or they don't know how to interact with someone that's been through the experience. There could be other reasons, but these are possibilities.

I would try many things to get the guys I dated to say no and they never did.

To me, this was a possible subliminal way your mind was trying to deal with what you'd been through.Think of it as a way of trying to subconciously trying to be in control of the relationship, situation, dude, whatever. Because part of the trauma of rape is being controlled by the rapist, many survivors have issues with control over their bodies and it's not always clear how to handle situations or be around men after what you've been through. For years after it happened to me, I was terrified of all men. My dad, my little brother, my grandfathers, all my favorite uncles, cousins, etc. My mentality was all males have the equipment to do that to me and hurt me.

A lot of my life is a blur.

Coping mechanism. BTDT Look out for when that blurriness lifts. You'll have to work through all the new issues and thoughts it brings. And it's ok to take breaks when you're working on your issues and you're feeling overwhelmed. No one ever told me that. Kinda figured it out on my own.

I feel like I'm being judged and I feel so dirty, unworthy, and unlovable.

This is a normal reaction. Like CFT said the ""shame isn't yours...". Once you start to realize that you're not the one who did something wrong and you're not to blame, you're gonna probably hit an anger phase. That's all normal too. Anger can be cleansing, and if used right, it can also help the healing.

I should have left for all of those reasons especially the rape but I never did. I keep telling myself it must not have been all that bad.

Let's talk about this for a minute. I think part of was possibly a coping mechanism, making the best of a bad situation so to speak. Another part is how much head game bullshit was pulled on you over the years? Kinda like Stockholme Syndrome but in a weird way. Hell, just the experience alone is enough to mess with your head! Never condemn yourself for not leaving earlier. Think of it like a frog that's been put in a pan of room temperature water. The frog will stay there even as the the temperature slowly rises to boiling point and he boils to death.

Posting more in a minute. Does any of this resonate with you or make sense in a way?

I know to heal I have to feel a lot of painful things. Right now I am so close to just falling apart.

Baby steps. One day at a time, one hour at a time.

He made a comment about how exwh would stop playing his video game immideately if he knew I had taken a sleeping pill to have his way with me.

Very perceptive. Makes me wonder if he has a family member that's been raped. I think it's almost as hard on a male family member when this happens. I think they feel helpless and that they let their loved one down because they failed to protect them from a predator. I saw this in my dad after it happened to me as a kid. Rape doesn't just hurt the survivor, it hurts their families too.

I have a little girl that I have to make sure she grows up protected and safe.

So true. And she will learn a lot as she sees you work through the whole process. She doesn't have to know all the details and if she has any questions or gets worried about you, it's ok to let her kn ow that something bad happened to you and you're learning how to use it to become a stronger person.

My SO said that exwh knew what buttons to push to control me.

SO is right again.

How did he know which things to say and/do to get me comply to his wishes and be controlled?

All kinds of possibilities there. For instance, trial and error. Or waiting and watching for an opportunity when you're vulnerable (Ambien) and unable to resist. or using the ignoring of you when you asked for his attention when he was playing video games. Stretch it out long enough, he figures you'll be grateful for any kind of attention. I'm thinking he's one of these guys that can't handle a strong woman asserting her rights so he has to sneak around and do this when you're not at full capacity.

I went to a church counselor last week...Nothing was talked about the rape.

Another instance of being ignored and blown off. IMO a church counselor may not always be the wisest choice to go to.

#1. Are they even trained to deal with something like this?

#2. How sure can you be it will be kept confidential from the other church members?

#3. There's other reasons I won't discuss here in respect to the mods and rules of the board.

the abuse to me pales on comparison to the horrors that are out there.

Don't compare experiences with others. It's unhealthy and doesn't help anyone move forward in their healing journey. I learned this lesson too, with dealing with grief over losing my daughter. pain and suffering is pain and suffering no matter how it's dealt. Would the Holocaust survivors compare their horrors they experienced? I doubt it. I do think anyone who's been traumatized wants to be heard when they're ready to tell their story.

Searching for the answer, the quick fix/ repair for me.

There is no easy "one size fits all" answer. And the quick fix/repair is like the mythical unicorn. Ain't no such critter.

Wanting to be told I'm okay and don't really need counseling.

Anyone that tells you that doesn't have your best interests as a priority. I will say that you will be ok and you will survive what you've experienced in the past. And as far as the counseling goes, it won't work until you're ready to do it and do the hard painful gut wrenching work that's involved. There's more to counseling than just seeing someone for one hour a week. You have to open up and tell them painful things that make you feel ashamed and stupid. Hopefully, you'll get something you can take away for that hour to give you new ways to think about your experience. And your mind will be processing new thoughts and thinking of different ways of coping.

I started cutting...because it was the only way I could feel anything, like emotions...

It's also a way of telling yourself you have some kind of control over your own body. It's another type of coping mechanism but not a healthy one.

Please don't start again. I know you're scared about making that first step of contacting a center or hotline. Look at it this way. The cutting is a way of staying in the same rut you've been in all these years and a way of avoiding getting some real help and genuine control over your body, and mind. Think of yourself standing at an open door looking at Freedom way off in the distance. Calling that center or hotline is the first step taken through that open door towards that Freedom that can be yours. By not taking that step, you're denying yourself something that is rightfully yours. Kinda like a rapist, huh?

I'm still working through your posts on the thread and I don't type too fast but I'll post more.

I can't lose control..

You're not losing control at all. By making that choice and taking that first step, you're breaking the chains of what you've repressed and hid from yourself and held you back all these years. Don't be the caged bird that's afraid to flee when the cage door is open.

I hate being a burden and putting someone out.

Wake up call. Many of these people than run the shelters and hotlines are survivors that want to help others. If they didn't want to be there, they wouldn't be. They're further along in their healing journey than you and maybe helping other survivors is part of their healing process. If you saw money lying all over the ground, would you walk right on past it? or would you grab as much as you could with both hands? If you were drowning at sea and there was a lifeline within reach would you ignore it? Do not deny yourself a chance to heal. The first step of any journey is always the hardest. You can do this.

YAY!!!!!

See? You are proving your courageousness. To YOURSELF. Awesome first step. be proud of yourself. I know it's not easy, but you've made that first step.

Three cheers for you.

Maybe someone seeing your thread here will also be inspired and given the courage by you to take their first step.

.is it really worth the pain?

YES

I have no idea why I fear him so much.

Because of the past history and all the pain he's caused.

Yes, it does sometimes get "worse" before it gets better, because all of those negative thoughts and feelings that you have shoved down (unsuccessfully, see your own statements above) have to be stirred up and reexamined to work on them. And it SUCKS to let them out of the little boxes we create for them.

Ama said it so well. It's worth it though to go through this process. Damn sure don't feel like it at the time though. But the end results are so worth it. In a way it's like going through a horrible labor with no meds to help you through the pain of bringing a new life into the world. I guess in a way it's a way of bringing new healing to our own screwed up messy lives. Yes, you'll have scars but you know what? Those scars will be badges of honor and courage to be borne proudly.We earned them the hard way and we are survivors, no longer are we victims.