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Off Topic :
26 years ago today...

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 HFSSC (original poster member #33338) posted at 12:27 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

I gave birth to an exquisite, beautiful, tiny baby girl. I held her close to me. I breathed in her scent. I kept her with me for 48 hours, only letting her leave at midnight for a few minutes. I fed her, changed her diapers, held her while she slept, nestled between my breasts. My family came and visited. My parents stayed the entire time. So many friends, family, loved ones came to see us. I held a dedication service in the hospital chapel, and most of my church attended.

And then, 48 hours after her birth, I left the hospital without her. Two weeks later, I signed the documents that would forever sever the legal bonds between me and my child. I had no idea, of course, how strong the emotional bond would be, and that I would spend the next 21 years trying to make the pain go away.

It was the right decision, made for the right reasons. I was 19 when I was raped by a friend of my brother's on the other side of the world when I had gone for a visit. I was 20 when I gave birth. I had not yet begun to process the abuse that I suffered as a child. My mother was nuts. My family was wracked with mental illness, addiction, abuse. I remember looking at my daughter and thinking, "No one deserves to be brought into a family like this on purpose, certainly not this beautiful, innocent baby in my arms." So I signed the papers and trusted that God would ensure that she was cared for, and that He would bring her back to me some day.

Not a day has gone by in the past 26 years that I have not thought of her and grieved. I have been able to peek into her life over the past 8 years, and I'm not sure whether that makes it better or worse. I mostly think it's better, because I know that she was cherished, cared for, loved and brought up in a stable home. I've been able to see pictures as she has matured into a beautiful woman. She's a high school guidance counselor now...maybe she'll have the opportunity to counsel a pregnant young woman.

I wasted 21 years trying to numb all of my feelings with drugs, alcohol, sex, achievement, marriages...nothing worked. In the past almost 5 years of sobriety, I have learned to live with pain, to walk through it. I bend, but never break. I get knocked down but I keep getting up.

The last communication I had with her was 3 years ago...she said that she wants to meet me "some day" but is not ready. So every day, at least once, the thought crosses my mind, that maybe, today will be the day.

And then it isn't.

Today, it really, really, really hurts.

Thanks for letting me share.

Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4971   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 6342814
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somanyyears ( member #26970) posted at 12:35 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

..

..keep hope alive..the day, your day will come and hers..

sending prayers

smy

trust no other human- love only your pets. Reconciled I think! Me 77 Her 74 Married 52 yrs. 18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer. Little fucker died at 57.Brain tumour!

posts: 6080   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2009   ·   location: Ontario Canada
id 6342820
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wildbananas ( member #10552) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((HFSSC)))

Travel light, live light, spread the light, be the light. ~ Yogi Bhajan

posts: 16592   ·   registered: May. 1st, 2006   ·   location: Somewhere
id 6342824
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jo2love ( member #31528) posted at 12:44 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((HFSSC)))

posts: 51035   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2011
id 6342831
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boontje ( member #33247) posted at 12:46 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

Give her time. She will be ready, and you will be there for her. I wish I could say something to magically take away the pain you are feeling today. (((HF)))

Me: BS
Dday: June 2011

Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don't have the strength.

--Theodore Roosevelt

posts: 1397   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2011
id 6342833
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KVille ( member #29071) posted at 12:47 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

BIG BIG hug.

never ever getting back together

posts: 279   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2010   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 6342834
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redrock ( member #21538) posted at 12:48 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((HFSSC)))

I don't respect anyone that can't spell a word more than one way:)

posts: 3536   ·   registered: Nov. 6th, 2008   ·   location: Michigan
id 6342835
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 12:56 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((((HFSSC)))))

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6342847
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deeplysad ( member #16590) posted at 12:57 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

I understand. For me, it was 45 years ago, but I have been lucky enough to have her in my life for the past 20+ years. And I get to have a relationship with my granddaughters.

It has taken a very long time to develop the relationship she and I have now, so I do think as your daughter gets older, she will be more willing to let you be a part of her life. I hope this happens for you.

I do understand the pain you're in today and my heart is sad for you.

((((HFSSC))))

Me: BW - I'm much too young to feel this damn old
Him: FWH - Midlife crisis with a pathetic porn wannabe
D-Day: August 2004; Lots of false R until February 2005.

posts: 3413   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2007   ·   location: So Calif
id 6342849
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SoVerySadNow ( member #36711) posted at 1:26 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

((((HFSSC))))

One day...

Me:BW
Him:WH
D-day(s),after years of TT and Gaslighting was Labor Day Weekend 2012, continuing for a week after. *Dammit! More TT 3/9/13
Really trending toward D- planning about it is my "happy place" now.

posts: 1292   ·   registered: Sep. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Sunny Florida
id 6342878
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Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 1:29 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

((HFSCC))

Kep the faith.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 6342881
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jrc1963 ( member #26531) posted at 1:52 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((HFSSC)))

Me: BSO - 56 Him: FWSO - 79 DS - 23 D-Day - 12-11-09, R - he finally came homeYour life is an Occasion. Rise to it. - Mr. Magorium, "Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium"

posts: 26375   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2009   ·   location: Michigan
id 6342911
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Tred ( member #34086) posted at 1:55 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((HFSSC)))

Just want you to know that even though I didn't give birth to her, I know what you are going through. I had to make that decision as well, and to this day I know it was the right one, but it still hurts. I've gotten to know her, but she hasn't wanted contact lately because it confuses her. My heart goes out to you.

Married: 27 years (14 @JFO) D-Day: 11/09/11"Ohhhhh...shut up Tred!" - NOT the official SI motto (DS)

posts: 5890   ·   registered: Dec. 2nd, 2011
id 6342916
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inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 2:00 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((HFSSC)))

There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown

posts: 13294   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2009   ·   location: DeepInTheHeartof, Texas
id 6342928
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 HFSSC (original poster member #33338) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

Thank you all so much for the hugs, the prayers, the gentle, kind thoughts.

I am just so weary of walking in pain. Days like today, it feels as though I have never had a single day of my life that was not overshadowed by the pain of abuse, of loss, of grief. I have had happy days, days when the sun was shining, but there have always been clouds hanging over the horizon.

I wonder what it would feel like to wake up totally free, totally new, totally alive, totally refreshed.

Deeplysad and Tred, especially, thank you so much for sharing your stories with me. It is truly a pain that no one can imagine who has not been through this.

Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4971   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 6342971
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yewtree ( member #16671) posted at 5:02 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

((HFSSC))

You are a brave woman, and I hope that someday your child will come to you.

Me(BS)45(at the time of D-day)

Divorced 2009, Closing on house Nov 2011 - No longer waiting for the other "she" to drop.

posts: 4940   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2007
id 6343625
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Deeply Scared ( Administrator #2) posted at 5:19 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((HFSSC)))

I was adopted and about 20 years ago my bio-logical mother found me ( I was never really interested in meeting her since I was adopted into an incredibly loving home and always felt fulfilled) and she ended up flying MH and myself out to the East coast for a visit.

She was/is very nice and I'm glad we met however the best part of the meeting was getting to know my two brothers.

I hope one day you get to meet your daughter, giving her up for adoption was beyond loving of you.

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." My Mom:)

My tolerance for stupid shit is getting less and less.

posts: 210060   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002
id 6343639
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MissesJai ( member #24849) posted at 5:19 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

(((((HFSSC)))))

44
Happily divorcing..
My Life is Mine!!!!
#BlackLivesMatter
Don't settle for no fuck shit....

posts: 7497   ·   registered: Jul. 17th, 2009   ·   location: So Cal.....
id 6343640
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click4it ( member #209) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

((((HFSSC))))

How incredibly brave to share your story with us here. I do hope that the "one day" will be very soon. Much hugs and prayers sent your way.

Me: 45
Two boys: 20 and 17
Divorced 12-13-05
d-day 10-02-01

Laughter will cure life's ills. Have you had your laugh today?

posts: 25706   ·   registered: Jun. 21st, 2002   ·   location: California
id 6343667
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 HFSSC (original poster member #33338) posted at 5:47 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2013

Again, thank you all for the hugs and warm thoughts.

DS, thanks for sharing that. On some level, I truly am glad beyond measure that her life has been so good for her, so complete that she doesn't have this aching, empty need to fill. That's what I wanted for her. But on the other side, my entire family has never forgotten her, never given up hope of meeting her, knowing her, having some sort of relationship with her. My niece, who was 5 years old at the time, still remembers holding her in the hospital. My cousins still have a picture holding her. She was loved, immeasurably and unconditionally from the very start of her existence.

My boys know they have a sister, and it breaks my heart over again when ds14 asks if I really think they'll get to meet her someday.

And I truly do get that so much of this is about ME and my needs. I keep thinking that if I can get to a point where I don't need/want it so much that's when it will the right time. I just don't know how to get there.

I can't tell y'all how much it helps to just be able to get this all out. Everyone here is either in the same place or I'm scared they're tired of hearing about it.

Me, 56
Him, 48 (JMSSC)
Married 26 years. Reconciled.

posts: 4971   ·   registered: Sep. 12th, 2011   ·   location: South Carolina
id 6343676
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