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I was planning on telling my own Doctor, I just needed to be told I have to. Nothing's more important than the health of my children, including before they're born.

Yesterday was just an awful day, just in myself, nothing happened. I definitely think when you're not feeling well things get magnified.

I don't have an addictive personality so I think it's just shocked me that my body must have a dependency.

This morning I talked with H and he said he just doesn't know what to do. It's heartbreaking. His exact words were 'Yes I can see. You're fucked aren't you."

With my sister, it's a difficult one. I know how I'd feel if the role was reversed and I've had my own drama with the father of her children. It's not an excuse, it's just difficult because we're very close.

I'll open up more to the counsellor. I'm going to try and phrase it differently though. I can do without 'suicidal' being added to my description of pill-head whore.

I promise I'll try harder.

Sienna,

I have been right where your at. And trying to go through withdrawals when you have all of this going on is going to make everything feel about ten times harder than it really is. A doctor can probably help you get through this. It is so very easy to get addicted to these medications without you even realizing it. Believe me, BTDT. And coming off can make you feel suicidal, or many other things that you don't really feel. Or you won't feel once you are completely through the withdrawal phase. And that takes a bit of time. So go get some help. And keep us updated on how you are doing.

Thank you TG, I can't tell you how comforting it is to know I'm not he only one to have weird thoughts and I always thought I'd get misunderstood by everyone.

I've been on and off drugs since I was around 17 but mainly party stuff and they've never crossed over into daylight if you know what I mean. Then after my brother I decided to take fentanyl which I know is totally mental btw and I soon switched to pethidine because I can function with it, all day long then I'd take speed if I felt too relaxed. My H hated it, I mean really hated it. He didn't even like me smoking so it made him angry with me 24/7 pretty much. Then I got pregnant so didn't have. Choice but to stop, stopping he party stuff has been easy but painkillers really fucked me up. I'm booked to see Doctor Monday, I'll tell all. My H said they'll probably see it as good parenting telling them, bad parenting is keeping quiet.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 2:46 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

The painkillers started for me too after my brother. So much easier than to actually deal with the feelings.

I quit because I just really could not see spending the rest of my life like I was. I had been like that for 5 years and it became a cycle of chasing the high. I didn't like it.

Your thoughts are not weird. I am so glad you are going to go to the Dr and get help. We are here to help you and support you through this journey.

I also started with regular party drugs at 16, then stopped at 17. I restarted with the pills after my brother.

It is possible for you to live a life that is happy without all of this. I promise

Sienna, listen to TG. She knows of what she speaks. She got clean, so can you. We are all here for you. Please lean on us when you feel weak.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 3:10 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

Thank you. I am definitely taking advice, today is better than yesterday and I think it's because I feel better for saying it, all be it anonymously I absolutely feel better. I never speak to anyone about that stuff because I know the people who love me will lecture me and it's not always constructive, even with the best intentions.

I can't believe he got a puppy though. Honestly, he's daft as a brush. Tonight he looked all sheepish "I'm not sure why I thought this was a good idea" bless him. It is more the idiot I married though and it made me smile.

I also had a talk with my sister. It's so difficult for her, she used to really like him. I think she'd handed on the baton for him to look after me, not because I'm weak but because she's my sister and we look out for each other. Then after my miscalculation, he didn't notice, well he noticed but thought it was alcohol whereas she could tell in a split second something was wrong and got an ambulance. She's been icy ever since but, she's promised to be nicer and we laughed about the puppy!

Thank you again.

I can tell you that I had a few close calls when I started chasing that high, messing with dosages. It becomes very easy to screw up with that stuff.

My H never knew that I was addicted and he didn't know when I was getting off. I didn't tell him the truth of it until about five years later. I think I felt that it was my battle to fight. I had gotten myself into it, I wanted to get myself out. Looking back, I wish I would have let him help me.

I'm glad you are doing better today.

I never hid party drugs, I didn't see the big deal. H never liked them but I took them when we met. It was fentanyl that did it with him, it knocked me out but it made me forget about that day, my brother's face and the sound just it all, the whole horror film disappeared for a while and it was great except I had 2 babies so it wasn't practical whereas pethidine could be taken throughout the day. H would shout in my face and I could sink away.

We had friends round and I'd taken pethidine then coke, speed a couple of MDMAs then for some reason I thought I hadn't taken pethidine. Not that I can remember much. I woke up in hospital with everyone crying, they thought I'd done it on purpose.

I was off my head when I cheated but I was still thinking about stuff so I needed something more and I guess ONSs did it. It's not me though, I'm at home now the kids are asleep in bed and H is dealing with the puppy. This is definitely what I want so now I just need to get my head right. I'll be OK.

Thank you so much

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:54 PM, May 31st (Friday)]

one day at a time....one foot in front of the other..

I know. I think I could do with learning patience too. Thank you again.

All of that will come in time as you continue to work on yourself. My biggest concern is that you get off these pain pills with the assistance of a doctor. I'd hate to see you harm yourself or your unborn baby.

Sienna, I totally get it.

I stopped a while back missesjai it's just making me feel unwell. Don't worry I'm going to the appointment for sure and seriously I'd never do anything to harm the baby. I'm grateful for your advice and concern.

Thank you TG you're advice is so appreciated.