SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hugs Sienna. I know how you feel. I remember not too long after d-day, I went to put oil in my car and spilled a little on the engine. I sat in my car and as I prepared to turn the ignition, I actually prayed that the car would blow up with me in it. I was so tired. I wanted to end everything. I hated myself. I hated what I had done. I hated who I was. I couldn't bear living in that pain. I sat in my car and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I screamed. I lost my voice as a result. I went to IC that weekend and broke down again. Cried, wailed, and sobbed. I got it all out with my IC's help. After that, I let it go. It was painful but necessary. I had to feel it. I had to stop running. Look at TG's tagline - you can't heal what you won't feel.

When I talk I just scare the shit out of my H and sister. I said to my sister about needing something and she just flew downstairs to my husband and threw juice at him so then he was saying he didn't make everything happen. It's like they all blame everyone or everything except me.

If I think to myself to just wait until the baby's born and reassess then, I feel better. But saying it out loud makes me sound crazy.

I want to feel real feelings desperately I do. But the only feelings I have are heavy and uncomfortable full of thoughts I don't want. I think if I told the IC she might actually think I'm mad so I don't know how to feel. That sounds stupid I know but I swear feelings go through me it is exactly like they're water, I think I feel something but it goes too quickly to tell.

Ok, your sister needs to stay out of this. Don't use her as your mouthpiece. IMO, she's making it worse. This is your burden to carry, not hers. Carry it. I know she's being protective and that's admirable but it's not helping at all.

the only feelings I have are heavy and uncomfortable full of thoughts I don't want.

You may not want them but you have to face them and work through them. You really do. You keep running from them. Stop running Sienna.

if I told the IC she might actually think I'm mad so I don't know how to feel

You have no idea what she may think. Stop doing this. Just come out with it. Do you have a journal?

I know she does and she just says no, literally says no.

But how do I face and work through the sinking feeling? I mean I honestly don't know how.

If I said to the counsellor I can understand the difference between giving up and giving in and think how my 2 nephews my brother left behind are OK how would I know she wouldn't think I was actually contemplating it? How would she know that me feeling like there's a way out actually makes me feel like I want to stay? It sounds so fucked up. I told my sister this who knows me inside out, my identical twin and even she didn't understand she just freaked out.

She says no and keeps saying no because you allow it. She knows you are not strong enough to speak for yourself and you will gladly allow her to take the reigns from you. You have to establish a boundary and enforce it. This will be hard for you because you avoid conflict at all costs.

If I said to the counsellor I can understand the difference between giving up and giving in and think how my 2 nephews my brother left behind are OK how would I know she wouldn't think I was actually contemplating it? How would she know that me feeling like there's a way out actually makes me feel like I want to stay?

The only way to find out is to tell her these exact words. It's her job to help you work through this. IC is effective when YOU are transparent and honest. All your issues and feelings may sound fucked up but that's your reality and you have to deal with it. Why bother with IC if you're going to sugar coat and minimize your shit? You are hurting yourself every single time you do this.

I understand that feeling. I get what you are trying to say. And I don't know that your counselor is going to think that you want to harm yourself. You have a whole lot of feelings that you have stuffed inside of there.

Have you ever tried journaling?

You can always come here with your thoughts and feelings.

I'll test the counsellor out a little bit before I jump in. My sister wouldn't take no, I've made her too worried about me. She goes off at H because she worries. Around 18 months ago I accidentally took too many pills- i swear it was accidental it wasn't like a full packet or anything I'd just mixed and lost count. Anyway my H didn't realise and thought I was just drunk and tired then my sister looked at me and asked H what and how much I'd taken. He didn't know what she was talking about and since then she's hated him.

Do you really understand TG? Should I phrase it a different way?

I don't write no, I could try though. I need to paint my own stuff more instead of just commissions but it's the money. I've been trying to share and I think I feel better, honestly and thank you and sorry if I've brought you all down

sorry if I've brought you all down

do not apologize. You have nothing to apologize for, Sienna. We are here to support you.

Sienna, the despair is something many of us have felt. I remember a night after going to the movies with SO that we argued on our way home. I was standing on the subway platform staring at the tracks wondering if it would hurt if I touched the third rail or if the death would be quick. Then I saw the train coming into the station and I had one foot hovering off the platform above the tracks about to jump before I realized it. I stepped back and just cried. I held onto SO at that moment terrified that if I let go I'd go right back to those tracks. I quit drinking cold turkey 9 months ago. I was using the alcohol to numb myself for so long and there are days where I stare at the bottle of rum on top of our fridge. It's SO's bottle not mine, but there are days I want to down it and just numb myself to the pain. I don't want to be that person anymore, I don't want to run and hide and not face my shit anymore.

We get the despair your in, it's why we're telling you that you can stop hiding and start digging and working. You're just as capable as the rest of us were, you just need to believe your worth it. Self-pity and guilt will only get you to feel bad, they change nothing.

Yes, I do understand. As one who has experienced suicide and also watched my niece grow up without her father, and been suicidal myself, I get it. Your not crazy.

But you do need to be very careful with these pills. I was also addicted to painkillers for five years after my brother's suicide. It is very easy to take to many. I know the feeling of just wanting it all to go away. Those pills do that quite effectively, for a time. It never lasts though. The only thing that will ever last is to truly deal with it.

For the first time in my life, I truly want to be right where I am.

Thank you. I don't know who I want to be but I know what I want to achieve. I want my kids to have a genuinely happy Mummy.

My idiot of a husband has bought a Boxer puppy. He 'surprised' me tonight. My sister popped round and was more than civil, until the puppy. Seriously, a fucking puppy. I'll be honest, it did give me a voice and now I'm smiling in an oh my god kind of way. He definitely took my mind off stuff.

We would all like to see you in that place as well.

Do you want the puppy?

I'm going to have to think about it, we've told the kids (since we woke them up shouting), that we're looking after her. We already have a dog.

Can I just ask, how did you come off painkillers? I've been so ill and run down since stopping and caught a virus from being so run down. The doctor (FIL) made me go get ablood test because he thought I was on drugs but I hadn't had any for a while and I just said I'd taken codeine, in case an opioid showed up. I really miss them, more than coke or MDMA or anything I usually take. I don't know whether to tell my own doctor or not, it's embarrassing they might think I'm a terrible mother.

I tapered down slowly for a couple of weeks and then stopped. It was the sickest I have ever been in my life for that one week. The month after that was very difficult as well. Then it started to get better. After that, I made sure to stay away from them.

But yes, I did feel very sick for awhile. My mental state was also very up and down as well.

I don't know whether to tell the doctor or should I just take a small amount? I've been so nauseous that I got prescribed anti-nausea tablets because they assumed it was just the pregnancy. I'm turning into a chemist at work today All I was doing was googling to see if I can take something that won't harm the baby. I'd previously had stronger than pethidine then stopped and moved onto them and today was considering just codeine thinking pregnant women do get prescribed it but since pethidine is used in labour. I just can't go on like this. I'm hot and cold and sweaty all the time.

It is withdrawals and it can be dangerous. You need to talk to your doctor and it needs to be very soon. Don't take something because you have no idea what it could do to the baby, let a professional help you. And you won't be looked at like a bad mom.

I was told by more than one health professional that I was lucky that I didn't go into seizures doing it myself with the amount I had been taking and then just stopping. This can be serious. Let them help you.

Pethidine, aka Demerol and meperidine is a very potent opioid, similar to morphine, dilaudid, and oxycodone. You need to work with your doctor to ensure your own safety, and that of your unborn child.

I have delivered infants addicted to opioids at birth, due to their mother's drug use. It is not a great way start one's life.

I stopped because of the baby, I haven't smoked since either. I've stopped everything while pregnant, for the baby. Would a doctor see it that way though? I'm scared and embarrassed to tell.

So your embarrassment is more important then your baby's health and your health? I'm hearing lots of excuses Sienna, the answers are actually pretty simple they just take some strength. Go to a doctor and tell him what's going on with your need for meds. Go to your IC and tell her everything, hold nothing back. Neither of these people can help you if you don't tell them everything. I personally think you should go to a doctor that is not family. Your sister needs to learn some boundaries when it comes to your relationship with your husband. You need to start making some changes, the least is being honest with your doctors. So many people here giving you advice and sympathy and there is always a but or an excuse coming from your responses. Maybe this is harsh but truly if I didn't want to see you get better if all of us didn't want to see you get better you wouldn't have so many responses. So many people just trying to help you. Please just try.