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Sweetie, life IS hard. That's, well, life. The key is how you cope with the challenges. I don't know a single person who would prefer a crappy life and nasty thoughts over a happy life and positive thoughts.

Just because you should be happy doesn't mean you know how to be happy. I too had a husband, beautiful children, and a job I loved - and I was so very unhappy. I had no concept of joy. I did not value myself. I certainly did not love myself nor did I think I was a good person. I hear myself in your words and I remember feeling how you feel now. It does get better but only if you are willing to do the hard work. That's where IC comes into play and honestly, I think you are doing yourself a HUGE disservice by not being completely transparent and open with your IC. Even if she thinks you are in a different place than you really are, the two of you can work through that. You NEED to do that Sienna. If you want to be happy, enjoy your life, and love yourself, you gotta stop running and start digging. You can do it.

[This message edited by MissesJai at 12:25 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

^^^^bingo.

Sienna you need to stop running. Stop hiding behind guilt, past coping mechanisms and denial. Stop hiding and start digging. Its oh so hard and some weeks woll be horrible. Yes I said weeks and I fully mean it, there will be whole weeks where you will feel down and sad and angry all at once while figuring out your shit. But each time you get stronger, better, it gets easier to see who you want to be. Do the work and stop running. Learn who you are and be proud of her flaws and all. No one is perfect. No one is all good or all bad. We are beautifully and wonderfully human, capable of horrible actions as well as amazing feats. Revel in the honesty of who you are and embrace her. You'll find that the happiness you think you should feel comes more easily when you are confident in who you are.

I know what you're saying and I'm so very grateful but I don't feel ready to let it all pour out. My children are young, my marriage has taken a massive punch and I'm pregnant. It's not the right time now.

You've both given me plenty of positives to think about so thank you.

Sienna, if not now, when? There will always be an excuse, a reason, an obstacle. Again, that's life. The right time is not going to fall into your lap. You have to make the time. If you don't take care of you, your children will suffer. I can tell how much you love them, so if anything, stop dodging and start doing the work for them.

I know what you're saying and I'm so very grateful but I don't feel ready to let it all pour out. My children are young, my marriage has taken a massive punch and I'm pregnant. It's not the right time now.

Sienna.. When is the right time? (ETA: I guess MJ and I were thinking the same thing there)

I'm going to say that it sounds like the perfect time to dig into yourself and be 100% honest with your IC.

This may sound off to anyone who doesn't drink but since I know you do, being pregnant was almost a god sent for this healing process. There is no choice to fall on old coping mechanisms like getting drunk. You just have to sit there in your emotion and let it all sink in. I know that I would have turned to having drinks to make myself feel better when the going got tough again.

This can be a great chance to dig into yourself and let yourself feel every single emotion that you have. Sure, there will be extra tears from hormones and such but you can work your way through it.

[This message edited by messedupchick at 4:48 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

There's so much drama around me, I'll be adding to it. I'm also so very sober, I'm with me 24/7. My kids are wonderful and they think I'm great right now, I don't want them to get to know me. I mean what if I end up inconsolable, I mean literally inconsolable or it could make me feel lower than I do now. I don't want to get to a point where I feel like my Gran or my beautiful big brother. I'm too scared, I know it's pathetic considering I'm a grown woman, married and a mother but I am terrified of losing control of myself or getting lost somewhere dark.

I just wanted to say, another bad thing to add to my list. I miss alcohol, painkillers and party drugs. I miss them all I didn't want to stop. I like getting away from me but, I'm not so bad that I don't consider my unborn child.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 4:57 PM, May 29th (Wednesday)]

Sienna, you have to go through this in order to get through it. I understand the fear - it's real and it can be debilitating. I felt that way for YEARS. There is nothing wrong with admitting your fears. NOTHING. Take that next step and face them, defeat them and be a better Sienna for your kids. They deserve that and so do you.

There's so much drama around me, I'll be adding to it.

There is drama yes but being honest with yourself and IC, and giving yourself permission to dig isn't "adding to it". It's going to help resolve.

I'm also so very sober, I'm with me 24/7. My kids are wonderful and they think I'm great right now, I don't want them to get to know me.

You will always be YOU. Your kids love you and that won't change just because your are trying heal and become a better person.

I mean what if I end up inconsolable, I mean literally inconsolable or it could make me feel lower than I do now.

I'm not buying what you're selling here Sienna. There are ways to work on yourself without going batshit crazy. Let's say you have an IC session in the late afternoon. Pour your heart and soul, lots of tears and learning, dug a lot etc.. Come home.. go for a walk (if you can before dinner to reflect) make some dinner, tend to your kids, put them to bed and then talk with your BH about your session. If you don't want to discuss with him that night, write in a journal. Talk with him another day. It doesn't have to be this big dramatic crazy experience where you end up loopy. Just give yourself permission to dig and be true to yourself in the experience.

You won't get to somewhere dark. You were already there. This is about finding the light again.

Oh and yes, I miss alcohol too. No doubts about it. I could use a pain killer too. My muscles are dying.

I know, I probably really do know inside, thank you.

I bet, congratulations by the way and thank you.

I've spent my life avoiding drama and it's all come at once.

I've spent my life avoiding drama and it's all come at once.

and that is why this is so hard for you. You have no coping skills. You've avoided conflict all your life. It's time to change. You can do this.

Sienna, your pain is heart breaking to me. Please, dear, go to IC. Work on you. You're worth it.

I'm pretty tough, but I found IC to be so helpful *before* my husband's EA. I was in a pit of despair about my own worth. I really did not love myself. And I'm hearing that from you in every post.

If you can't work on yourself for yourself, do it for your kids and your BH. At least to start. I hope you can find a way to believe you are worthy of kindness and love and respect.

Big hugs to you.

I have been going to counselling and I'm opening up more which my H loves.

I'm still not 100% well so that's probably just magnifying things. I am OK, I function, look after my children and work so please don't worry about me. I'm fine, just not great.

Thank you again.

Sienna,

This is the way I looked at it when my wife was working on her issues. She had a festering wound. For years she'd just been covering it up and hiding it. It only got worse. Once it was in the light of day, we found a Dr (IC in this case) who opened it up and examined it. It was intense and painful at the time, but now a few years later, that wound is healed.

By ignoring it, you're not saving yourself, your husband, or your kids from anything. You're depriving them of the best Sienna there is. Ultimately you need to do this for you. Remember that it will have a hugely positive impact on those that are closest to you.

Working on you is worth it. You're worth it

[This message edited by wifehad5 at 8:53 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

By ignoring it, you're not saving yourself, your husband, or your kids from anything. You're depriving them of the best Sienna there is

This right here Sienna.

When I did a lot of the work I had to do after my two time encounter, it was hard, emotional, and not pleasant at times. But my kids really like the me I am now vs. the me I was then. And I can tell you Hlessons far prefers this me. It doesn't go away just because you put your head in the sand and put a smile on your face. I know, my H and I tried that for a very long time. Didn't work.

I appreciate your advice and kind words but I can't help not feeling deserving of them.

I feel like at any point people including on SI could see the real me and just be disgusted at how selfish and dark I am. I just want to say like don't you know what I've done.

My sister is now sure it's all my husband's fault, my H think my circumstances are to blame, my Mum doesn't see the big deal. It's like I'm the only person who sees what I have done, that no one made me do it and in that short time I enjoyed it. I enjoyed not thinking about anything, not talking. Now all I keep thinking is if there's something I can take that won't harm the baby, if I should tell a Doctor but if I do that then that's a slippery slope. One of my friends was telling me pethidine is OK to take when pregnant, this is a serious conversation I had only today. It shows what kind of person I am. I haven't got any though. I'm trapped in myself I'm completely trapped but I'm functioning on what seems like a knife edge. Maybe today is just a bad day.

I'm sorry I'm being so negative when you're all so kind.

[This message edited by Sienna500 at 9:57 AM, May 30th (Thursday)]

We are not going to sit in judgment of you. All of us have been in dark places before, and have felt that we didn't deserve mercy or grace.

I am sorry that today is a bad day for you, don't look at how others view you or your behavior. You look at yourself and decide how you feel. Don't take anything that could harm your baby, you don't need to escape how you are feeling right now, talk about it instead. Let it out. It sounds like you feel the need to escape. I am very familiar with that feeling, it sucks. You can talk to us here. We all know where you are, we have been there.

To echo what TG just said, not one of us is perfect. We all have our own dark places to own and deal with. But that's what they are, ours to deal with. It's not easy for anyone to deal with their dark places. Don't try to compare your dark place with anyone else's.

Work on yourself, you are worth it

Thank you I mean it I do.

I just feel so unwell with everything I think I still have withdrawals and I have a chest infection. That's probably why I feel like this. It just scares me and it must scare my sister judging by her reactions and actions lately. I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere and just remembering to breathe tires me out. I try and focus on my children but I've even bargained with myself, like I say just wait until the baby's born. But then what? All I want is to make my H happy and be a good Mum but it feels unattainable.

All I've done today is googled to try and find something safe to take when pregnant . I feel like I need something.

You want alcohol or drugs to numb the pain. What's going to happen when after you have the baby?

I hope you can get yourself into a 12 step program for drugs and/or alcohol. You need to stay sober.

Stop googling for drugs. All that prescription painkiller stuff can addict/hurt the baby. And you.

If I told a Doctor would they give me something or just tell me not to? My FIL is a Doctor so he'd find out. My MIL would find out and bring up drama for my H who doesn't need it.