Hi BrokenBill,
From what you wrote in your posts, your WW sounds very similar to my FWW at dday. With FWW it was control, she liked the feeling of control in relationships with men, and sex was a tool for maintaining that control. She also liked “winning” or being better than the OM’s BS.
She also displays all the signs of a Borderline Personality Disorder except for drugs/drinking,
FWW had 7 of the 9 BPD traits, she was never diagnosed BPD but definitely had the traits. FWW has some knowledge of counseling and mental illness, and was very wary of a BPD diagnosis. After 2+ years of work and IC she is better, but the underlying BPD traits, behaviors, and miss-perceptions are still there. When she is under stress she has a tendency to revert back to her old behaviors and thoughts.
She would rather go to the gym or run or (anything) other than share intimacy, make love, give or receive pleasure.
It was the same for us. Sex was very intense and exciting when we were dating, but soon (weeks) after M sex dropped way off. FWW was afraid of having an emotionally intimate connection, afraid she would loose herself if she let anyone (me) inside her defensive cocoon. I now know that we would do doggy style a lot because she could more easily detach from the act and think about shopping lists or the next day’s activities.
Still, it's disgusting behavior. It's not an excuse.
Agreed, an explanation perhaps, but not an excuse.
There is a part of me that wants to understand, be strong and there for her if she is sick, but am i just throwing myself on her grenade?
Yes. I too had to work through this question. I decided I would stay while she was earnestly working on her issues. I was at a point where I felt safe in the M, and there were reasons not to be in a hurry to D. FWW did accomplish a lot and is a different person in her behaviors and thoughts, but she and the M were still not meeting my needs. Last fall we had plans to separate and D, then she lost her job, so we are still together. She says she wants us to work and I can see her trying, but I do not think she is capable of being as open, honest, emotionally intimate, and sexual as I want a partner to be.
As for her: She is not wanting to own ANY of her shit (fog). In fact she's walking around like she just won the Lotto, big smiles and joyful.
It took FWW 6-7 months to own her A. In the first few months after dday she would tell me that she was glad I found out about her As. My having to forgive her for her As made it easier for her to forgive me for being a crappy H. 
It was another 4-5 months until she decided she really did want to be M to me, and she started the real work to understand and fix her issues.
Does this kind of person need to be almost forced into IC and MC?
No, you cannot force a person to attend IC and benefit from it. All you can do is decide where your boundaries are, communicate them to your WW, and then enforce them. I mentioned above that it was about a year after dday that FWW decided that she wanted to stay M to me and began to do the work she needed to do. This occurred while I was moved out of the house. FWW had broken an agreed to boundary while visiting her family for a long weekend and when I called her on it she challenged me. When she returned home a few days later I picked her up at the airport, dropped her at the house and left. I had already packed my things.
While I was moved out, FWW experienced being separated, arriving to children’s school events separate and sitting separate, being alone in the house. This is when she decided she did want to stay M to me, and began to work on herself in IC and with books. After a few weeks of her doing this, and some “dating”, I moved back into the house. She worked on her issues for over 2 years. I detached some from her and the M during this time and worked on me. She is now much better and healthier, but our M is more companionship than love for me. She still withdraws and detaches when under stress. Sex is improved, but only 2-3x a month.
IF (big if) your WW does decide to own her issues and try to repair herself and the M it will be a long and difficult journey. BPD types are notoriously resistant to treatment, but there is therapy that works. Do not wait for her. You can “not divorce” if you want while she is working on her issues, but work on yourself during this time. Re-invent yourself. I went back to activities I had given up after M, got in better shape, expanded my social network. While FWW worked on her stuff, I got to acceptance and well along on me healing.
There is no reason to stay with a partner who has mental illness and is not making an effort to treat it. There is no reason to stay with a WS who is not remorseful and working to repair whatever led him or her to having an A.
There is rational for “not divorcing” and working on your stuff for awhile after dday so long as you feel safe in the M. By feeling safe I mean your WS is being transparent enough that you are reasonably confident that NC is holding, and that you health and finances are not at risk.
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 9:28 AM, June 6th (Thursday)]
