The WW's hoovering continues unabated: love bombing me, reminiscing, speaking of us in future terms (let's paint our daughters bedroom, lets get a new puppy for Xmas, what do think of going to Costa Rica....)
My STBX did this shit too except I fell for it and ending up in false R for a year before the shit hit the fan again.
It's just surreal. No action from her whatsoever in terms of dumping the OM and committing to us. I assume her words are simply designed to make me shelve the divorce and continue the cake-eating--which is not surprising, since it has worked so many times before.
I keep saying don't pay attention to her words because honestly you can't even begin to understand crazy. What is gogin on inside her head is for her and her alone to figure out. Anytime you engage or listen you get pulled kicking and screaming into the madness with her. She may actually believe the stuff she is saying but as you see OM is still in the picture. It does not add up, it does not compute, so don't even try to figure it out. Until she wants to get completely healthy by herself you will never be safe around her. You can't even help her to get the help. You can only help yourself. When you engage her it fuels her delusion whether she realizes it or not. I got to the point where I finally udnerstood that no matter how much I talked to my STBX, she could never truly comprehend what I was saying. SO I just kept getting hurt until I broke the cycle.
It also has occurred to me that she is so deluded that she actually believes that after the divorce these things WILL happen (trips, Xmas as a family....).
This is likely true. Everything would be just fine if AD would just get back in place and ignore OM on the side.
The problem is it's all in the open now so it cant' go back to beign the same. The old M is dead. Heck even the old A for her is dead. It's not the same once the BS knows and is sitting in front of a WS everyday pissed off, breaking down, or 180ing them. Hard to rugsweep and play happy family then.
In any case, this all has made me deeply sad and shocked anew--that she will actually throw her family away for good, and for what? A fantasy. An escape from reality, a reality that she will find herself in, unequipped to deal with without me.
She threw away the family and the M when she broke the rules and had the A. Don't be surpised if she thrives by herself. They aren't frail, dainty little flowers that can't survive on their own. She survived during the A and she will be okay after the D. If she is unequipped for it then that's on her. You need to make sure YOU are equipped to handle things post D.
Anyway, enough about her, right? I am trying the best I can. I try to stay out of the house, hang out with some casual friends, prepare for returning to teaching in August.
Keep it up! force yoruself to go out and do something. This will help you greatly.
And of course the kids. They are not doing too well. My daughter has thus far seemed to be faring fine, as opposed to my son, who is wrecked up over our separation and impending divorce. But now (she is six) she is becoming very clingy to me and to her brother.
I just enetered this realm myself. STBX moved out over the weekend and the kids are with ehr this week. It's still early for me but I truly believe the fact that both of us kept our shit together when telling them helped. They cried and had breakdowns but we answered all the questions they had and kept telling them it will be okay and we still loved them. Am i pissed off about the situation sure but they see the same Dad confidently telling them it will be okay, it's okay to cry, they can ask me any questions they want, and I will alwaws love them. So far they "seem" okay but I think that's because they see that there parents are okay. Stay strong for yrou kids and your kids will be strong. Work through the questions and issues with them as best you can and if they need therapy get it for them.
And my wife simply cannot handle her without me.
I was the "heavy" in my household as well. My stbx is having to learn to deal with the kids on her own as well. Her decisions come with consequences.
Again, I am doing my very best to be strong with them.
keep thsi up and they will be okay. Seeing a strong confident Dad will help them.
We have a very large house and three dogs, so it's constant work to maintain it alone. My wife always did the laundry, so I tend to break down while doing it, so it usually just piles up.
Yeah I am having to adjust to this as well. I tried to start before STBX moved out but it's still a lot. Don't have a choice though do we. I have a routine down for myself that I stick to. I also plan on giving the kids age appropriate chores as well. Will my plan work who knows but if not I will try again until i find one that does.
It is just really tough to be a single dad.
Yeah but once you detach it gets better. At least for me it did. You will be fine.
We will eventually have to sell the house and there are no inexpensive places in their school district. Our kids' world has always been this street, this home, our dream home, with all their friends and their school, which they love. To give this all up is devastating to me, and mind boggling that my wife would choose a fantasy bubble over their children's safe world.
No other way to put this but Shit happens to everyone. It just happened that our shit was impending D and the associated shitstorm that comes with it. You deal with it as best you can and move forward in a ways that beneifts you and your kids. If the schools are important then maybe find an apartment in the area or rent a house. There are always options, you just have to start thinking about them and looking for them.
Oh, and she suddenly lost her six figure job and is unemployed. I don't know how this will affect spousal support or CS.
Talk to your L about this and make sure you knwo exactly when she lost her job. Just because she quit or got fired does not mean you should agree to pay CS fund her forever. Your L can tell you what your state guidelines are but CS isnt' determined based on what your last paycheck was. It typically goes back in time looking at yoru earnings. she will have to get another job. Nothing is stopping her from working. that may be why she is comgin at you really hard right now because she doesnt' have a job. Repeat this with me "NOT MY PROBLEM, SHE CAN GO GET ANOTHER JOB!"
I have the sinking feeling she will want to live in the house, whereas before it was a given that I would remain in the house and she would maintain her apartment. There is no way I am moving out.
FUCK THAT SHIT indeed! Talk to and listen to your L. Don't get sucked into her moving back in and you moving out and paying for everything in mediation. This is how it starts. She has the grease in the hand behind her back and is hoping you will bend over. She fucked up make sure you don't end up paying financially for years while she sits on her ass collecting your checks. Do what's best for you and yrou children just be aware that she is going to try to look out only for herself at your expense. The being nice is buttering you up for something either mediation or trying to come back home because she lost her job.
So everything is (or so it feels) coming down like an avalanche. I know I have to shift my attitude to seeing it as a more positive metaphor, but for now I just can't.
This is your reality so it's okay to see it however you want. Just realize you don't have to STAND in FRONT of the avalanche. keep detaching. That's how you learn to sidestep and watch the avalanche roll down the hill. There will be more stuff to come but you just learn to deal with it as you keep moving forward. keep detaching.
But for now it's not resonating. I want to feel anger, but it's not there. I want to feel indifference, but that's nowhere near me at this point.
I don't know if you analyze things a lot but I did. I think you do as well and I dissected every action my STBX took for a long time alogn with my actions and responses. Eventually I stopped and just handled whatever came my way at that particular time. I dealt with each event as it's own entity.
I am alive, I am functioning, I am being a dad. That's where I am. I guess the good stuff will come later. But it's hard, so hard.
Just keep doing what you are doing, go out and try to build your own life when the kids aren't with you and keep detaching from your STBX. The good does come and it creeps up on you. I didn't think it would either but it did for me so keep at it.