SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since confessing my WS has indicated that her infidelity has changed the way she feels about ME. As if her behavior changed the person she is in a fundamental way. She is in IC and trying to understand the how and why of what she did but can't or won't fully commit to the idea of R. Is this a common reaction? She kept it all a secret for more than a year, hoping for a fresh start after we moved but obviously that was impossible. I've only known for 2 months so in the grand scheme I suppose it's all pretty fresh. Do I just need to be more patient and let the counseling do its work and hope she fully realizes what she'd be throwing away (we have a daughter that we are both trying our best to shield from this situation)? She has also said she is willing to start couples counseling at some point, but is not sure she's ready for that yet. Feeling like a fool for trying to be understanding while still paying the bills, making meals, etc is something I struggle with.

I think that cheating changed my WH feelings about me too. He had lived in a fantasy with her for 20 months. She thought he was the deepest, kindest, smartest, hottest, most honest and most wonderful man she had ever known. She told him this all the time. I lived with him and we were going through family deaths, drug addictions, a teen in trouble with police, financial problems, and stress, stress, stress. He could talk a good talk for their Online EA but I lived with the real deal. Obviously a man with the crisis at home would not be having an affair if he was anything she thought he was. He would be too busy fighting for his family along side his wife. I could feel his emotional disconnect and even the way he was setting me up to argue about everything. I didn't know he was cheating but I knew he wasn't there in heart. Yet, he still believes that she is correct. I am the one with the problems because I don't fill his love tank with words of affirmation. What affirming thing am I supposed to say about his lying, cheating, and emotionally abandoning his family when the going got rough. I hope he comes out of it someday soon. I do try to affirm him when he is doing something positive.

This is just to say, the affair partner paints the WS into a wonderful person and its easier for them to believe that than to face their issues and work hard to overcome them.

Two months is not along time. I gave myself 6 months before making a permanent decision (and I had an unremorseful cakeater), but he bottomed out and started working on himself before the six months was up.

I told him what I wanted and expected, that while he was behaving as he was, I would be re-evaluating my desire to remain in the M.

You do not have stay if you don't want too. There is no time period for staying or leaving after dday.

If you are not ready to decide, work on to detaching so you can make one.

In what way has it changed her feelings about you?

Are you going from ogre to knight?

If the change contains one tiny shred of 'your fault', 'didn't fill her love tank enough' yadayada, that's worrisome.

Infidelity does change a WS in a fundamental way. It could be a good thing for her to be digging in to that...what are the changes?

In what way(s) is she not fully committed to R?

The 4 necessities of successful R:

Remorse

Transparency

Honesty

NC

2 months is early, and it doesn't sound like she's ready for MC. Your patience speaks highly of you, but why are you doing all the work?

Making meals, etc.?

Are you trying to 'nice her back'? Bad idea. Won't work.

She needs to shoulder some responsibilities - to give you some consideration, time, & space to heal from what she did to the M.

Sending strength.

Sorry you are going through this. I can only speak for myself but I would never consider R unless the WS as the one begging for another chance, doing everything in his power to show me he was worthy of being my H again.

Others have success giving a few months, or six months, or a year, but personally, I would be long gone (or kick out the WS). I did successfully R with my H but he was immediately and extremely remorseful after D-day. If anything he seemed to love me more and better, not express things like your wife is, about not being sure she wants to R at all.

I know having a child involved makes this that much harder.

Thanks for the responses. Our daughter definitely makes this more difficult - I believe I'd be handling the situation quite differently if it weren't for her. It may not be fair to say my WS isn't fully committed to the idea of R. It's more like her counselor advised her against making ANY permanent decisions right now, as she doesn't feel WS is emotionally stable to do so. So I think it's more like she doesn't want to slam the door OR give false hope at this point.

Me doing all the work (bills, meals, etc) is nothing new - it's just been my role. I wouldn't say I'm trying to 'nice her back' but I sometimes feel like I've been put in the position of having to win her back in the sense that if she's teetering on the fence between R and D am I doing myself any favors by being outwardly sad, angry, resentful?

I don't know...the general feeling seems to be that 2 months is not a long time. I feel like patience is the key right now - let her continue her IC and eventually move into CC. I just struggle with the day to day stuff. She's much better at pretending things are fine than I am. And seeing that just reminds me how good she was at hiding things for the past year, which is more upsetting.

I guess being a man I want to start 'fixing' things right away. I have a lot of issues I want to deal with. But if she's not emotionally stable then I'm not doing myself any favors by rushing things.

Infidelity changes many things, the BS, the Ws, the relationship. These things will never be the same as they were before, as in having a kid changes who you are on some fundemental level as well.

It seems hard to know if you do what you want will you push her away? I soooo get that. I too was tiptoes, and eggshells in the early days of R. And we both commited to R on Dday. I realized though that he had made those choices to have an A, to create a new relationship that took precedent over me, and our kids, that he did all that by himself. I didn't cause it, I didn't influence it.

We had a HUGE argument early in R, probably like a month out from DDay, and I remember him driving off (we had met in a public place to shop after work)pissed off, without saying where he was going. All the time worring he was going to call her, seek her out, and me be so distraught I was afraid to drive for a bit. I cried, shook, puked, all the fun things....but then I had an overwhelming calm come over me. I realized that I could NEVER stop him from making his own choices. By trying to keep the peace I was only hurting myself. If he decided R wasn't worth it, then I needed to know sooner than later. This acceptance gave me strength and peace.

When I got home he was worried about me. I told him then I can't stop you from making your own choices, and limiting your actions. I get that, but I can stop you from disrespecting me, and allowing it to continue. (WE were in false R, he continually broke NC for a while). I got the strength for the keylogger, I chose to lay down my boundaries with consequences again. When I finally pushed back, and demanded the love, and respect I deserved, that's when his fog cleared, that's when he had his real AHHA moment. That was when real R started.

Life is short, and can be ripped away in a breath. Don't spend it worrying about what your choices will do to her. Take care of you, and the rest will follow.

(((and strength))))

Dear Moved,

So sorry to hear what you are going through. The truth is, reading your thread helped me get in touch with my angry side, which is a place I do not visit very frequently...

So let me get this straight...you cook, clean and pay the bills, and she is getting in touch with her inner slut?!? Sorry dude, that is just wrong in so many ways.

I would suggest, in the kindest possible way, that you implement the 180 like yesterday. You can continue to cook, but I would only make two portions, one for you and one for your precious daughter. Do not clean for your wife, do not do her laundry, do not do little things for her, do not exchange pleasantries with her. Do not engage in conversations about your future. I would only discuss your child and financial issues with her, the rest of the time you will be too busy moving forward with your own life.

She and her therapist have got things totally backwards. Please do not let the thought that your daughter will be harmed stop you from D. Your daughter would probably be more greatly harmed by being the reason you stay in an unhealthy marriage.

I hope things improve for you soon. You do not deserve this type of treatment. Take care.

E.

Dear Moved -

Infidelity is the single most damaging thing that can happen to a marriage/relationship.

You do not have to do this alone. You can't do this alone.

It takes years to recover from the betrayal of infidelity.

Support is needed during this time. There are others who can help guide you and you heal from the pain over time. It's a long journey, but one that you do not have to take by yourself.

Here you will find support, safety and encouragement. The breach of trust caused by an affair feels like a mountain to overcome, especially if you are alone. Support is needed to heal from the emotional and sometimes physical trauma of adultry. You can survive.

Your wife needs to get her head out of her butt and really do a deep dive on what it is she wants. Honesty. No cakewalking. Love is a choice. One chooses to love.

180 her NOW. Don't wait around and be an option for her.

Get IC for yourself so you know how to best navigate the waters. Also see an attorney so you know your rights in case it doesn't work out. You don't have to do anything right now. But knowledge is power.

Good luck. I hope she comes out of the fog soon.

being a man I want to start 'fixing' things right away

Naturally. But I think you mean fixing her, & that you can't do.

It's funny isn't it? Here you are doing everything, being honorable, hard working, & what does she do?

If she's not ready to make a permanent decision for you?

Right now?

Master the 180.

In a way, aren't you allowing yourself to be used as a doormat - while she decides?

I wouldn't put the noble mask of patience on her moral ambivalence.

Her IC is enabling under the guise of emotional instability.

Is that on your dime too?

I'd blow that up.

Consider what jjct has told you...its right on the money!

Your WW is the one who should be busting her ass to make this work. Right now you need to focus on you and your child, period. Your WW needs to deal with her stuff on her own as well as help you heal. If she is too "emotionally unstable" then you definitely need to 180 her. She is using that to suck you back in to caring for her. My STBXWW does the same thing. It's a manipulation tactic, even though it may seem legit.

Very sorry that this has happened to you.

Why does she get to decide? My WH did not waffle for one second (oh, other than CHEATING ON ME FOR NINE YEARS) but I'll tell you this: if he'd been "unsure" for even one second I would have shown him the door right then.

You don't need that nonsense.

Try to take a step back from your hurt and think about what you would want for your best friend, or son, or any other man you care for deeply.

I appreciate the responses and I realize in a forum like this it's hard to get the full picture, but there is more going on than just a W having an A and then not being able to commit to R. She started going to IC to try and figure out the WHY of it all, because that behavior was very, very unlike her. The counseling has brought to light some past sexual abuse by family members - some of which I knew of and some that she kept secret even from me. I've always known she had emotional issues but I dealt with them the best I could. We went through a LOT of infertility treatments trying to conceive, and anybody that's been through that knows how stressful it can be. That only resulted in either disappointment or miscarriages. Our daughter came along naturally, once we decided to take a break from the treatments. She is our miracle child. Then, quite unexpectedly, she got pregnant again, but miscarried at four months. I believe it was that trauma that finally broke something inside her. She hasn't been the same since. And I believe these are the issues being tackled first in her IC.

I don't mean to give the impression that she is this cold, unfeeling, evil person. It may feel that way to me sometimes because of how closed off she is right now, but she's not evil. She's a good person that did an evil thing. She has said that she's trying. She has said she's willing to go to counseling with me. I don't get the sense that she's thrown in the towel.

Obviously I'm rambling now. I just wanted to show that the situation is rather complicated and why I'm hesitant to start taking a hard line right now.

No-ones suggesting throwing in the towel and giving up on the marriage. You just need to take charge and control of this situation. A little bit of anger and outrage would be in order; you are not a person to be humiliated and insulted in this way.

The message coming across is that your wife is calling the shots and soon you will be notified of her decision as to the possibility of reconciliation.

she doesn't want to slam the door OR give false hope at this point.

How utterly condescending. I would have great difficulty accepting this bulls**t; next you will be asked to apologize for driving her to adultery. The sheer brass nerve!