SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If I were in your exact situation I would ask my sister, brother or a best bud to drive/fly with me to Calif or where mom and daughter are staying at..Stay there for a while and lay low..Let your daughter know that you are staying within a few minutes drive from her and that you can and will take her home at a moment's notice..You have as much right/access to your adopted daughter as Mom..Neither WW or you have filed for divorce, no temp custody orders seem to be in place, so you wouldn't be guilty of parental kidnapping...

Question: What did your L say about her keeping your DD away past the time they were supposed to be back?

(and no. Don't call your WW back just yet)

She said that she was trying to decide what to do, and if/when to come home.

I never would have expected this, but she just posted a public statement on facebook. At the risk of boring everyone I will copy and paste her posts here for your feedback.

She put this one on my facebook front page for the world to see:

"I have no idea what to say to you... take comfort in knowing that punishment will be my future. No way to express my regret. You have always been too good for me, something we both knew from day one. When I think of you, I know that at one time I did have it all... you deserve the best life has to offer, I wish you had never met me after all the pain you have endured in your life and now once again you have been hurt by someone who is suppose to love you. You did nothing to deserve any of it in fact after everything that you have done to make my life beautiful you should have more love than a woman can offer, I am sorry... even though sorry is not good enough... My concerns for you and if you are ok are probably coming to your mind as a bit late to care now... but I do and I pray because I have no idea what else to do or how to face you or how to even think about any of it at all... I do not know what to say anymore."

I don't think that sincere people court others sympathies and opinions on facebook.

I would have been more impressed with the statement if it didn't come off as a public relations effort on social media.

She is right that you deserve more. Starting with a sincere apology that is for YOU alone.

I don't have facebook. But if you can, take that shit off your page.

I asked my friends for prayers on facebook without giving specifics. One of them asked if I was okay. She replied to it:

"No he is not ok. I have totally turned our lives upside down... He needs so much right now and all I can give him is pain..."

A fury of posts from her on her facebook page:

"I give up"

somebody asked if she was having work related problems, and she responded:

No XXXXXXXX it is completely personal. Well cuzz I sure made a mess of my life and my families lives again.. just going to try everyday not to make it worse and worse. I have not relapsed and have no intention on ever doing that... but I have no idea what I am doing... I have wrote down a goal taking it one step at a time, first step start rebuilding mine and Maddie's life a little bit at a time... have not factored in when or if I will ever have the backbone to face Billy or anyone else... I don't expect forgiveness but I have to figure out how to express my regret and apologies on how I went about things. There is a right way to do things, a wrong way and then there is my way... I say this is as bad as it gets when it comes to not doing things the right way for the people in your life who deserve it."

Then she posted:

"I wish everyone would quit tripping!! I have no intentions on relapsing just because I didn't do things the way I should have. I understand the concern about me ending up there but just because I failed when it came to making decisions the right way doesn't mean I want to crash and burn... It is bad enough in my life right now but I want to pick up the pieces and fight my way back to where I need to be... I am not in anyway shape or form trying to end my life by doing drugs. Besides there are alot of stupid people that are close to me who want to justify their own mistakes and actions by suggesting the reason they are assholes is because I must be on drugs. There is no way I am going to prove them right by picking up that evil shit again!! I might not have been thinking about it all when I went about things wrong, but I am thinking about it all now. No matter what kind of idiot or mistake maker I am, or selfish inconsiderate bitch I can be, I am still XXXXXX mother and I love her more than to take it that far... she loves me and needs me in her life."

So, whether I should have or not, I tried to call her then, and she didn't pick up the phone, it went to voice mail. So I posted this in response:

"Since you stated our stuff publicly and you won't pick up the phone I will respond publicly. It doesn't matter what you've done, or even why, at this point. I love you and I love XXXXX and I want you to just please come home so we can have some time together and work through this. We all do damage. Character is defined by how you repair it. You're a good woman, you're a good wife, and we are a good family together. I love you. I need you. I want you to get XXXXX, throw the bags in the car, and start headed this way. Anything you're trying to work through, we can work through together once you're here. We need time together. I need to see you and to hold you. My arms and my heart are wide open, just take that first step toward me, and come home. Don't string this along. Don't let time and distance widen the gap between us. That will only make things harder. We need to get back together, stick it out, and get past this. That's what families do, darlin'. For XXXXX. For me. For YOU. Just come back to me Don't put it off any longer. I am here."

[This message edited by BillyinArkansas at 10:56 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

She's a freaking drama queen.

She needs to come home. Now. If she is not on her way home by Monday, I would strongly suggest that you speak to your L about what you need to do to get your DD back home. Your drama queen wife is more than welcome to be wherever she wants to be....but she doesn't get to just hijack your daughter.

I said it before and I am going to say it again. Stop having voice conversations with her. Text or email only.

I think you're right. If she continues to drag this out after putting our stuff right out in the open, I need to respond by having my lawyer pull the trigger. Everybody here probably thinks that what I wrote above in response to her post was a weak thing to do. Maybe so. But if this is goodbye then I didn't want to have any regrets about things left unsaid. I guess she's not checking her e-mail because I have e-mailed her so it would be in print but she hasn't responded. I don't have a cell phone so the only way that I can text is through e-mail to text, and I also texted her that way, but she didn't respond. I do, however, have texts saved in my e-mail from my daughter saying that she loves me and misses me. And now, I have these facebook posts saved in a word document.

I'm sorry if to those who have went through this my post in response seems weak or too soft, this is so new and fresh and I am just not wanting to have any regrets about not having given her every opportunity to come home.

Bill,

You've done the right thing.

Now it's up to your WW to make the right choice and come home.

I'm praying for you.

i agree.

I think it was the right thing to tell her you loved her and you wanted her back.

If she doesn't respond by turning around and driving back, then I wouldn't offer any more of that. You've stated your position. You've offered your hand even after the betrayal. It's up to her to take it. If she doesn't, then I guess you need to take care of business.

Billy, I think what you wrote on FB as a response to your AWAL WW's posts was good, very good actually IMHO. You demonstrated care and sympathy b/c that's how you feel, and that's nice. But one thing I would've added, and you still can, is a date that she MUST be home by. Don't leave the timeline open-ended.

IE; "whatever you've done can be repaired but repair happens here, it will involve you, me and DD and it begins on XX-XX-2013 ... this is non-negotiable".

What do you think?

Billy - what you wrote is not too soft...you stated your position. If you are open to reconcile, she needs to know. She also needs to know the terms. There is a guy named Bigger on here who has absolutely brilliant advice on how to get your head around this crap and deal with the situation. Search his username and read some of his stuff.

Peace brother.

I'll look up and read Bigger's posts. She was posting stuff all night about how her heart was broken and her pride was torn and she had to be alone and that she was a "stupid, stupid girl", et cetera. I'm getting a lot of support from my friends, and from most of our mutual friends, and even some of her family.

You think she will say if I give her an ultimatum on coming home she will tell my daughter that I've said that if she doesn't come home right now I don't want her back? Or is the need to set boundaries and stop this from dragging out more crucial now?

Take control now. She needs a timeline, give her one.

i wouldn't give her date. To me, that sounds too harsh. but i would definitely have a date in my head. she knows you've offered. i guess after a couple of days you could post, "i need to know if you're coming home." Or you could immediately post, "i need to know soon." Putting an exact date I think almost invites rebelliousness.

The point is, you can't let her continue to not decide. There are a couple of people here who have left the door open for months. and they've paid the price for that. I think it's counter productive. Someone who is wayward will trample over anything like that because it's a sign of weakness.

I have to tell you though, it seems to me that she is laying the groundwork for not coming back. All this "i'm a bad person." seems to me to be saying to the world, "I knowI'm a bad person and make mistakes. Forgive me anyway." Like she's already decided not to come home and she's looking for sympathy.

If she hasn't responded by Moday, I'd contact your lawyer and see what options you have. But don't set a firm date for her return.

If you want your daughter, then fight for her. She needs a stable home.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 10:09 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

One good thing is that my daughter's bio's girlfriend posted in a way that made it clear that my daughter is not with them, currently, so she's safe and at my wife's Aunt's house.

Billy,

As a Mother, all I can think about is your daughter and what she may be exposed to. I would get on a plane stat and bring her home. She 's only 13, must be so scared and confused. Please consider this option.

I'm glad that she's at her aunt's house. Can you give her a call and let her know how much you miss her and love her? And let her cry/vent/say whatever she needs to, to the only stable parent that she has right now?

You made your point very eloquently on FB. That was the public reach-out saying that you're willing to work on things if she will get her butt home and actually WORK on things. Now, I'm going to join the chorus of people who offer the advice that if she isn't on her way back home by Monday, you see your lawyer and see what your options are to compel her to show up with your daughter or send your daughter back to the stable parent. You have a ream of posts, etc, that show that she's off her rocker and hopefully, your lawyer can file for her to produce your daughter and get her back into the martial home. (((hugs)))

I did text my daughter this morning just to tell her that I loved her and miss her so much and asked what she was doing. No reply back yet.