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want_to_forgive (original poster member #20470) posted at 11:04 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013
Things are going well with the guy I have been seeing (ex-best friend of ex-husband, I know, it’s twisted.)
So last night near the end of a two hour phone conversation, out of the blue, he says: “Want_To_Forgive, I think you need someone who is tender with you, but also firm and strong.”
Why did I find this statement sexy as hell? I mean seriously, if he had been with me I think I would have jumped on him. Should I be concerned that I am turned on by such a blatantly anti-feminist statement?
Or is it OK that I do want that, a manly man who respects and treasures me but I can allow to take the lead?
M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.
newnormal ( member #21925) posted at 11:13 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013
Oh my! I got excited just reading tbose words.
BS 43 (me)
FWH 48
D-day 9/07
Dont retreat, reload.
"Pull that knife out of your back - and sever the fuel line to that bus you got thrown under" Bufffalo
Crescita ( member #32616) posted at 11:21 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013
I see nothing blatantly anti feminist about that at all. Independence and equality doesn't mean you want a cold, wishy-washy, pushover for a partner. Tender, yet firm and strong is quite ideal whether you are male or female.
“Happiness cannot be pursued; it must ensue.” ― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning
seekingright2013 ( member #37991) posted at 11:22 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013
I also want a manly man who is kind, loving, and yet knows his own mind and can make wise decisions.
Maybe this means I need more time in IC !! 
“I tramp a perpetual journey.”
― Walt Whitman, Song of Myself
want_to_forgive (original poster member #20470) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, July 2nd, 2013
LOL you guys, maybe I am totally over analyzing this. It was the "firm" part that I was questioning... but you are right, I don't want someone I can push around. And firm doesn't mean that he will push me around, just that he will, well, be firm. I like firm.
M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.
heartbroken_kk ( member #22722) posted at 12:59 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
MMMMMmmmm! FIRM. I like firm too. 
(cough)
Back on the bus for me 
FBW then 46, XWHNPDPAFTG the destroyer of my entire life. D-Day 1 '99, D-Day 2,3,4,5,6... '09-'11, D '15. I fell apart. I put myself back together. Forgiveness isn't required. I'm happy and healthy now, and MY new life is good.
ladies_first ( member #24643) posted at 1:03 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
I'm all for sweet words and summer promises, but you know what we say: ACTIONS that match the words.
"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway
Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 1:08 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
You lost me at firm; that smacks of control to me, and this reforming control freak would not be interested...
You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
HappilyUnMarried ( member #21299) posted at 1:48 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
I think you need someone who is tender with you, but also firm and strong.
I don't see this as particularly controlling or anti-feminist at all. I think it's pretty sexy... And I think it can work for either sex.
My translation: someone who you can rely upon when the going gets tough to be there for you emotionally and help support and guide you.
I have it now with my SO. I never had it with my XH. When I need him to help me make a decision, he will. When I need him to lay back, he will. I just know I can rely on him if all fails. It's a great feeling.
True happiness comes from within, not from someone else. Don’t make the mistake of waiting on someone or something to come along and make you happy
inconnu ( member #24518) posted at 2:22 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
It's probably just the choice of word, and not the context of what was said, but I'm with SiA. A man telling me I needed a man who would be firm with me? Huge turn-off.
There is no joy without gratitude. - Brené Brown
OnceInALifetime ( member #26023) posted at 3:58 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
Tender, firm and strong: very paternal, no?
InnerLight ( member #19946) posted at 4:03 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
Well you can't get it on without being firm. 
It sounds like he was talking about the act itself. No wonder it was a turn on.
BS, 64 yearsD-day 6-2-08D after 20 years together
The journey from Armageddon to Amazing Life happens one step at a time. Don't ever give up!
OnceInALifetime ( member #26023) posted at 4:09 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
^^^
And, er, what am I doing in this thread, anyway? It's like I walked into the ladies room and started chatting...
[This message edited by OnceInALifetime at 10:10 PM, July 2nd (Tuesday)]
want_to_forgive (original poster member #20470) posted at 4:42 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
Onceinalifetime, paternal? That wasn't the feeling I got from the statement. It was a little more like sexy cave man meets modern day sweet heart. This guy has got me thinking about him all the time, but I am trying hard to be smart and cautious.
M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.
want_to_forgive (original poster member #20470) posted at 4:55 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
Sad and inconnu, you picked up on the part that has me second guessing myself. I am woman hear me roar... Lol. I will watch his actions, so far they have been very sweet. He is very complimentary and has done some HUGE favors for me without being asked since we started seeing each other. But, he is 45 and has been single more than in a relationship since he got divorced when he was 24. He says he has just been waiting for someone like me, that I am one in a million for him. That actually scares me that I won't live up to his expectations.
M 11 years
Me: BS 38 Him: WS
DDay June 2006, LTA BFFOW
Divorced April 5, 2013
Not making a decision is making a decision.
torn2bits ( member #28376) posted at 7:09 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
Want.... Those words are sexy to me. Ya know sometimes when its just "bedroom talk" its very sexy where actions don't need to match words except well....
Anyway, you would know if he. Was being bedroom playful with the roles.
Me: 45/WH (SA): 49
M: 26 years 3 kids over 10 yrs old
EA/ PA Dec. 2009 -Divorce halted
fraeuken ( member #30742) posted at 9:27 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
Don't overthink it and see what his actions are. In my experience, my XH would say similar things but for him it meant being controlling and making sure I always felt a bit insecure about myself. With my SO, it is a whole different experience. He acts like a true man and I don't mind him taking the lead at times.
Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.
stronger08 ( member #16953) posted at 11:48 AM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
As was said don't try and read into it too much. Lets face it here friends. We all need someone who is firm with us when we need them to be. All jokes aside, I cant count the number of times I would be off doing something that was really stupid. And if I had someone to pull back a bit my life would have been better for it. IMHO that's what a real loving relationship is. A SO is the Ying to your Yang. They balance and complete you. When your off your game they pick up the slack and vice versa. And sometimes that requires a firm stance. At others a tender word or touch is all it requires. I don't think its control. I think its his/her responsibility to hold up your end when you cant. That's what a real relationship is to me. But what do I know ? I'm just some dumb guy. 
You cant eat soup with chopsticks.
lieshurt ( member #14003) posted at 7:54 PM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
I think you need someone who is tender with you, but also firm and strong.
Yes, please 
The last thing I want is a man who is a pushover. I want a man who can stand his own with me....an equal.
No one changes unless they want to. Not if you beg them. Not if you shame them. Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love. There is only one thing that makes someone change: their own realization that they need to.
Sad in AZ ( member #24239) posted at 9:23 PM on Wednesday, July 3rd, 2013
IL!
You are important and you matter. Your feelings matter. Your voice matters. Your story matters. Your life matters. Always.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-63
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
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