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How do you get your self-esteem back? Mine is destroyed.

My Wbf has been trying to be more open and honest since this weekend, and we were texting today about me going to gym for first time in months. It made me wonder whether he had ever talked badly about me to her, and he said no. I started getting upset, and he called. In the phone conversation, he again said that he never said anything negative about me to her. But he did admit that she said negative things about me. I asked for an example. He said that in February, she said "no one wants to date the model and *uck the attorney. Everyone wants to date the attorney and *uck the model." And she also said that she's prettier than me. I asked him if he responded, and he said no. I said "well, she's right. You did want to date the attorney and *uck the model." And he said "yeah, you're right." And then apologized again.

I guess one problem in their A was that he wanted to date me. I'm the attorney, and she's the model. She is a bathing suit and underwear model, and her pictures are online. She's gorgeous. She's one of those tiny girls, probably weighs around 100 pounds. Perfect, smooth body. Dark skin and dark, long hair that curls perfectly just like in the movies. She has some poses in a thong online, so I can pretty much see all of her. She's perfect.

And I'm not. I'm 5'7, and around 150 pounds. I have short hair, and I freckle instead of tan. I know rationally that I'm attractive, but I don't feel like I even come close to comparing to her. When I show her picture to people, the first response is always "wow how did he get her?" I feel inadequate.

I went to a concert with a female friend on Saturday, and there was a girl there that looked like OW. Perfect, small body with dark skin and long hair. And I almost started crying right there. I can never look like those girls. Even if I spent every day in the gym, I can never look like that. My build is bigger. My chest is bigger. My skin won't tan, and my hair gets frizzy if I grow it out.

And I just keep thinking that I want someone to want to date and *uck me. Why can I never have that? I dated one guy for four years, and he cheated with a girl that looks almost identical to this OW. And now my current relationship the same thing happened. How am I ever supposed to feel confident about myself?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:48 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

It's natural to feel like your self-esteem has been crushed. It's natural to compare. But since we're on the topic, let's:

You're an ATTORNEY, she runs around in her skivvies for a living. You have a brain (the sexiest part of someone as they say)

You're a thoughtful person, she's not

Beauty is skin deep, and she's ugly (case in point here)

You have class, morals...she doesn't

Oh and btw, "small" bodies aren't attractive to all men (one right here)

on and on.

Don't go there LG.

180 - focus on yourself. Go to the gym FOR YOU. Go out with friends. Stop making him the center point of you. You're better than that.

There is an old bumper sticker that says: "No matter how hot she is, somebody, somewhere is sick of her shit."

This isn't about you and it isn't about her. It's about what's wrong in his tiny little brain.

As for her, well of course she had to put down your looks. You think you're the only one who is insecure but she knew she couldn't compete with you mentally. So she talked down your appearance. Unfortunately for her, most men don't want to bring the slut who sleeps with them behind their girlfriend's back home to mom or ever put a ring on it. And people who are so focused on their physical appearance that they use it as a comparison tool in the who's better game tend to get annoyingly neurotic when the looks start slipping because they've got no other valuable assets. And trust me, honey, we all get wrinkles and succumb to gravity eventually.

Focus on what's inside of you and you'll be beautiful, both inside and out.

LG, I can only tell you that the entire first year after DDay I dug like hell to figure out what the OW had that I didn't, because it was not looks and it was not brains and it was not personality and it was not talent. I obsessed and obsessed about what it could be: sexual, spiritual, emotional? On and on it went for months. I wasted so MUCH time stalking her every step. I haven't posted my entire story yet, but it is colorful. Not the least of the color was my violently jealous thought process and behavior. It was a diversion from the healing process for myself.

Fast forward another year and I have finally and fully comprehended that she never had ANYTHING AT ALL to give him that was "better" for him than what he had with me. His insanely destructive behavior had nothing to do with her, and was solely about his screwed up emotions and behavioral issues. And I have them too, surprise, surprise.

Now the work is truly under way...

Unfortunately for her, most men don't want to bring the slut who sleeps with them behind their girlfriend's back home to mom or ever put a ring on it.

This is what keeps going through my mind. He told me multiple times that he wants to marry me, not her. That he wants me to raise his kids, not her. It all sounds like good things.

But every time we have sex, I keep thinking that I bet he wants to be having sex with her instead. He came back to me because that's the mature, responsible thing to do. He had his fun, and now he wants to settle down with the good attorney. He has never said this to me, and he keeps saying over and over that he finds me more attractive. But regardless, I keep thinking it.

And when he said that today, it struck me that he didn't defend to me her. Now granted, I know that he had sex with her and that SHOULD be a lot worse. But it just somehow hurts that he let someone talk like that about me.

Oh and btw, "small" bodies aren't attractive to all men (one right here)

Really? It seems every man I've dated likes 100 pound women. This is encouraging. I want to be valued for my brain... but honestly I want a man to think I'm hot too.

Yes, really.

This isn't about you...its about THEM (WS and their AP).

I have heard this, read this, and seen posts on here about this. Early on, I too had trouble believing this...but now I do. (Yay!, just took hundreds of hours of reading, somewhere north of $3,000 in counseling and weekend retreats, and lots of praying....but I do finally get this!).

My wife and I are about the same as far as society defines beauty. My wifes AP is about 20 pounds heavier, double chin and rounded gut....the thought of her doing that with him is grotesque....but it did happen. No underwear model there!

Point here is that a decision to have an A is really about two people who are broken in the same way and are willing to attempt to fill that brokenness with lies and thoughtless actions....I don't believe physical beauty plays into it much at all.

For the record...I find all sorts of women attractive....I find intelligence attractive as well....strong character is something I strive for and look for in a woman as well. Lots of attractive women out there.... That is why I have put in place firm boundaries for decades. I don't think I would be tempted to cheat, but have been concerned enough to keep my opportunities to an almost nonexistent level.

And, yes, what you describe of yourself I would define you as an attractive woman and I would have to have firm boundaries up while interacting with you.

Attractiveness can change through interactions. Words of affirmation is one of my strongest love languages...the more a woman uses those on me the more attractive she would become to me...this, I am aware of and am taking actions to keep from allowing this to happen.

I gotta tell you....the rejection and self esteem hit this does to a person is beyond words...I don't care who you are, this hurts like heck...but it will recover. Mine has mostly recovered now. Most of my self esteem was just hidden, but some was really lost...and that is coming back as I loosen my boundaries just a bit and have my ego fed. But I am cautious about what this could lead to....

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:28 PM, July 22nd (Monday)]

But it just somehow hurts that he let someone talk like that about me.

Of course that hurts! It's disloyal. When you love someone, you stick up for them (even my kids know that you never let someone talk trash about your sister!).

When I show her picture to people, the first response is always "wow how did he get her?" I feel inadequate.

Who are these people? WTF. It's easy to "get" a woman whose self esteem is so low that she'll let a broken guy use her to cheat on his girlfriend. Good looks do not correlate with strong character or mental health.

LG,

Bottom line, you want someone who loves and is attracted to the totality of you. There will always be someone who is better looking, or smarter, or richer, or......

The problem isn't that the 100 lb. model is super hot. The problem is that your BF chose to sleep with her.

So, just a quick example. When I was married, there was a hot woman who worked for me. She was pretty hot! For arguments sake, let's say she was hotter than my wife. But I would never have slept with her, because I was married and I loved my wife. So, for arguments sake, let say the 100 lb. model is hotter than you. Your BF slept with her. Do you follow this? Thr problem is not that you are 150 lbs and she is 100 lbs. The problem is that your BF chose to sleep with her.

Please, please, please, choose to spend your life with someone who cherishes the specialness of you. Choose someone you can trust. Choose someone who loves you enough that even when presented with the opportunity to sleep with someone super hot, they would not do it, because they love and are committed to you.

You know what? My xWW had her A with a total stud. He is rich, athletic, handsome, smart and successful. You know what else? He'll never be me. And that 100 lb. model will never be you.

LonelyGirl,

For what it's worth: I work in a field that has a lot of models. Really gorgeous women who are small, tight, fit, and often astonishingly pretty. Handsome male models too. Very handsome.

I befriended a few of them, of both genders. We often go out drinking or just socialize. One thing that was absolutely common among them is a deep-seated insecurity. The less self-aware ones were clearly screwed up and had self-worth issues. The smarter ones were quite articulate about how they were aware that their shelf lives are not long. Modelling is a tough, unforgiving field where you are chewed up and spat out, and the models know it.

I don't want to come off as being full of myself but I know what my assets are....it's my body and my looks. My husband cheated on me with a girl that works for him and who isn't very attractive. Gaps so big between her teeth, you drive a mac truck through them. (I know that's mean but I'm angry and jealous right now) Very plain jane. Thing is she is smart. Way smarter than me and I hate that. I'm so jealous!! I feel like he thinks she is so perfect at everything and can fix all of his problems. I wish he saw me that way. All I'm good for is to stand there and look pretty. Even my therapist says I'm like a trophy to my husband. He has destroyed my self esteem and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get it back. I compare myself to her constantly. I keep trying to convince myself that he picked her not because she was better than me, but because she's just different than me.

...as I think about your post...and what I find "attractive"...it really is more then a specific body shape or style.

My wife has given birth twice...I have seen her gain and loose probably 50 pounds...seen her body parts change shapes and sizes along with that...and with each "new" look of her physical body I find beauty in it. I have known and seen her for 2 decades now...age has had an effect on her too...still found her attractive....and the stress of this trial has sped up that process of aging in both of us. I have also seen her throwing up, with bad breath, sunburned...I have seen the whole of her (something her AP never did...he just got the "pretty" girl) and I still find her attractive.

But her choices to commit adultery and to hurt me so deeply HAVE changed how I see her. I can't explain it as I have not fully processed it yet. I can tell you I still find my wife attractive.

Just wanted to add this additional post to try and convey how important it is to understand that most men (and I consider myself to be "everyman" in my appreciation for what is beautiful about a womans body) are not locked into a ridged set of characteristics to find a woman attractive.

And it is through this appreciation I am hopeful you can find some peace and move past the singular characteristics of a specific body size and realize there is far more to one person finding another person attractive.

But through all of this particular struggle...keep in mind our WS's choice to have an A really and truly does not have anything to do with us....how we looked, how we did or did not express our love, where we prioritized our marriage in relation to the rest of our life--all of those things added to an unhealthy marriage. But we are a part of that same unhealthy marriage and yet, we did not choose to committ adultery.

I just mention this to nudge you away from the line of thinking that if you were thinner, or had smoother skin that your husband would have never cheated. That is simply false.

WS's chose not to work on their marriage but to selfishly go after the one or two or three things that they were not getting from WITHIN their marriage OUTSIDE of their marriage....without the courtesy of attempting to fix the marriage from within. That is the part of them that is broken...and the part that makes us feel so vulnerable now.

And this is serious trauma.

How many books have you read that surround the issue of a husband falling asleep on the sofa shortly after coming home from work...and the "trauma" that this causes the wife? Or books written about how "traumatic" it is for a husband to be married to a woman who eats nothing but twinkies and lets her health and looks go? Any books written on the steps to recovery from your spouse burning dinners or leaving their dirty clothes all over the place?

My point is BS's did do things that hurt intimacy....but nothing on that list intentionally hurt the spouse or comes anywhere close to justifying or validating the WS's decision to chose to have an affair and bring that level of pain and hurt to their BS.

There is an intentionallity about an A that is unarguable. No matter how "innocently" A's start, at some point a WS intentionally decieves the BS.

It changes the dynamics within a marriage when one spouse invites another person into the fold.

God help us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:21 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

Hey LG

Start taking little steps for you, every day.

Go to the gym, take a walk, go to the local shelter and help out. Read a book...stay with your IC and dig into your why's.

What happened through your life that you would be accepting of anything less than what you deserve? Where does it come from...find it and beat it.

You can...it starts with changing one thing at a time. Eventually the mind will follow .... and then you will no longer want this

And I just keep thinking that I want someone to want to date and *uck me.

You will want someone who will respect, value, love and trust you. Someone with their own mind and money that can walk next to you through life. A partner, equal but with enough difference that you can challenge one another.

You are deserving. I hope you can see that one day LG.

I'm the same height as you and your current weight is my goal weight (my pre-pregnancy weight). You're at a healthy weight for your height. And I'd kill for some bigger boobs, so right here is one person who's already envying your body type if that makes you feel better!

What makes YOU feel good about YOU? Find that, and do it. Don't try to get your self-esteem from your boyfriend. No offense, but he's messed up in the head. Whether or not he is going to work on it is up to him, but don't derive your self-esteem from someone with a messed-up head.

ETA: My H cheated on me with a woman who outweighs me by a good 30-50 pounds, and who dresses like a whore (based on her facebook pics). I'm a college-educated professional who works for a multi-billion dollar international engineering company. She's a nail tech who he picked up in a bar. He also cheated on me with an escort. I spent LOTS of time raging about how men want to date/marry the good, responsible girl and have fun with the slut. It's not fair. I know. But it's on THEM, not on us.

[This message edited by JanaGreen at 8:41 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

I don't want to come off as being full of myself but I know what my assets are....it's my body and my looks. My husband cheated on me with a girl that works for him and who isn't very attractive. Gaps so big between her teeth, you drive a mac truck through them. (I know that's mean but I'm angry and jealous right now) Very plain jane. Thing is she is smart. Way smarter than me and I hate that. I'm so jealous!! I feel like he thinks she is so perfect at everything and can fix all of his problems. I wish he saw me that way. All I'm good for is to stand there and look pretty. Even my therapist says I'm like a trophy to my husband. He has destroyed my self esteem and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get it back. I compare myself to her constantly. I keep trying to convince myself that he picked her not because she was better than me, but because she's just different than me.

This helped me to see that regardless of whether we think the OP is more or less attractive, it still hurts because we feel that they had something we don't. I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Who are these people? WTF.

The people who say that are my friends. The guys I show her picture to say that. The girls point out that she has small boobs. But it's pretty obvious by looking at her that she's gorgeous. My BF is very attractive. I always got butterflies looking at him. But, honestly, she's more attractive than he is. She's gorgeous. Why did she go after him? And she did. She worked with him for a year, doing little things that made me jealous, before anything happened between them. She would show him pictures of herself at work, and he would ignore her and tell me about it. One time they went out drinking with their boss, and she stripped down to her underwear and danced on the table. He said that he left the room, and told me about it the next day. A year later, he ended up having sex with her. Why did she want him so much? Maybe because he kept telling her no?

I just mention this to nudge you away from the line of thinking that if you were thinner, or had smoother skin that your husband would have never cheated. That is simply false.

This does keep going through my mind. Every time I look in the mirror, all I see are my flaws. And I think of them laying in bed, with her talking about how she's prettier than me. I know that him having sex is a huge sign of disrespect toward me, but I feel like he should have at least stood up for me when she talked badly about me. I was fighting the urge all last night to ask what else she said about me, but I'm not sure if I really want to know. I want to know, but I know it'll hurt.

ETA: My H cheated on me with a woman who outweighs me by a good 30-50 pounds, and who dresses like a whore (based on her facebook pics). I'm a college-educated professional who works for a multi-billion dollar international engineering company. She's a nail tech who he picked up in a bar. He also cheated on me with an escort. I spent LOTS of time raging about how men want to date/marry the good, responsible girl and have fun with the slut. It's not fair. I know. But it's on THEM, not on us.

Yup, this upsets me. Right after Dday, I went through this horrible phase where I started trying to dress like the OW (short skirts, low cut shirts). He said in MC that he was attracted to her because she was the center of the room wherever she went. That makes me feel like I'm the person in the corner, and it hurts. But I don't feel comfortable dressing like that. It's not me.

I sometimes feel like either way women lose... if they're slutty, men don't want to marry them. If they're the good girl, their partners cheat. It's just not fair.

He said in MC that he was attracted to her because she was the center of the room wherever she went.

There are some women who, due to their own issues, have to have all the penises pointing in their direction. Just think back to your past, in school, at work, in your social circle, and I bet you can think of a few. I'm thinking of a few right now. Some were super hot, some were mediocre, some were not attractive. But they do whatever it takes to get that attention. It's terribly sad and pathetic if you think about it. What kind of person needs to have every man in the room paying attention to her? What screaming need does she have inside of her to make her do that? It must be hell.

LG, for an OW to tell the man she is cheating with that she is 'prettier' than the wife tells you right there what she is made of. Nothing. She is made of nothing. Clearly 'pretty' is all she has going for her. I call these type of OW's 'a hole without a soul'. That's all she was, a willing hole. She may have been all wrapped up in a pretty little package, but guess what? That package will not last. It will age, it will wrinkle, it will sag, and not a damned thing she can do about it. Then she will have nothing going for her. She will be a bitter, venomous, soulless, empty shell of a human being.

And you sweetie, will still be the beautiful 5'7" 150lb (and BTW lonely girl, there is NOTHING wrong with 150 lbs, Jesus, many women would kill to be 150!), beautifully freckled, highly intelligent, successful, competent, HONEST, loyal, faithful person that you have always been. Your character and soul are intact. YOU my dear, are the prize, not the 100lb hole without a soul.

Fuck her.

I know the hit this takes on ones self esteem. It's horrible. It is devastating. And it is one of the most difficult parts of all this, especially for us women. I feel your pain. But you will get thru this. I promise.

LG10...you are dang right he should have stepped up for you when she may have been running you down...but he should have stepped up for you much sooner then that...like before he decided to committ adultery.

Keep mindful of revenge affairs. I wrestled with that hard...the need to ease the rejection you are feeling is a strong force. And there are plenty of men out there who would gladly oblige you in your current, but not forever, state of being.

Just look at the numbers of members on this site alone and that should tell you there is plenty of opportunity for all of us to make the same, horrid choice the WS have made.

If you continue to struggle with the whole outward appearance issue...dig through this site and find the links that allow members to post pictures.

I have viewed this...and it is shocking. I also know people at work who committed adultery...and it is shocking.

What do I mean by shocking? I mean a lady I work with is a rounded grandma and she cheated. The pics I have viewed on here range from gorgeous BS women to very ugly WS men...and many, many, many regular folks. Again, I very much enjoy regular folks so this is not a put down.

Just, if you can, think about the statistics regarding affairs....30-80% of all marriages have infidelity enter them at some point. That means on the low end 1 in 3 will experience it...on the high end 3 out of 4 will experience it.

Even without looking at pictures or knowing real people who have cheated this should tell you that there are not enough "hot" Applebee waitress's out there to fill this insatiable societal "need" to committ adultery.

Honestly, I don't know if this makes it better or worse. The thought of my wife snuggling into her AP's double chin or having his gut spill onto hers is so gross to me that I almost wish he were a Chippendale dancer body type instead. Add to that his lack of remorse or willingness to engage me (he displays mouse like behavior) as I run into him around our small town makes me scratch my head even more. She left me for that?! is my response now.

You will get there LG10...I know it in my heart.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:22 AM, July 23rd (Tuesday)]

janagreen...your post made me laugh out loud. I work with such a woman.

I have nothing to add...just thanks for making me laugh.