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I'm sorry. I know what I wrote about my family must seem unbelievable and extreme. There are some times where I wonder if I'm out of my mind and it's all in my head. Most of what I wrote has been confirmed by other people. For a long time I thought my issues with my grandfather were all in my head because my father said that I was projecting onto him. But then other people noticed the same things about him. I don't know what's wrong with my family. Nana was the best person out of all of us.

The day of the visitation, you can go early and say goodbye to her. Then, you can stay until your Grandfather shows up. When he gets there either leave quietly or go find a seat with your son, or take your son outside to run energy off. Then, when the service starts, sit with your child, if you are still there!

Then, when it's over go to someone's house where the scarey family members are....

It is about keeping YOU and your son safe. She is in heaven she loves you, she wants you safe, too.

Thank you! That is a WONDERFUL idea!!! That's exactly what we'll do. We'll just outright leave when or before my grandfather gets there, and I'll be careful to arrive, stay, and leave with safe people.

Sorry to keep posting. I feel not so alone when I'm posting here. There's something I realized and I think SI would understand. We sometimes talk about "soulmate shmoopies" and the rest, and sometimes it makes you wonder what a real soulmate is.

I realized that Nana was my soulmate. She taught me what unconditional love is. We had a connection that really didn't need words. We used to spend time just holding hands, or holding each other while we walked. She always used to say I was her girl. Even when the rest of our family fell apart we kept our own relationship and closeness. It took years to build that specialness with her. She was probably the one who showed me how beautiful nature is too. She was so totally at home in the woods and by her river. She had her struggles like anyone and she was so strong. She's the kind of person you want to be when you grow up.

I'm sorry. I know what I wrote about my family must seem unbelievable and extreme. There are some times where I wonder if I'm out of my mind and it's all in my head. Most of what I wrote has been confirmed by other people.

I did not, even for a minute, think this is all in your head, silver. I know you have a really messed-up family dynamic.

Aside from that, I just wanted to give you another hug, (((silver))), because I know you're in pain and that's all I can do to offer comfort. I wish I could do more.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 1:29 AM, July 29th (Monday)]

She was one of my most precious people.

This speaks volumes...

God bless you and your family.

Celebrate your Nana's life!

(((silver)))

I agree that you should be able to mourn her in your own way, and away from the crazy family members. Please do the go early thing.

YOU know that Nanna knows your love her, you also know that she doesn't want you to be unhappy or sad. Celebrate who she was, do something after the service that was her thing. Whether it was gardening, or cooking or whatever. Do it in honor of her. I planted a tree in my yard after my Gram passed. I too had a very special relationship with her, and though she was elderly, and had been demented and sick for the last few months, it was still hard. But she loved to garden, and grow stuff, so I grew a tree in her honor. The following fall (she died in early august) I made the kids halloween costumes, this was something she did for myself and my sister, and our kids. Of course as her mind started to go the cat looked more like a donkey, but hey, we loved it. Sewing those costumes that year helped me have some closure.

She has been gone now for 13 years, and I still miss her every day, but I look back with a warm fondness. And occasionally when life is really hairy, and things are tough she visits me in a dream to tell me all will be ok.

My point is you don't even have to be there if you don't feel safe, or don't want to be. She knows you are loving her, missing her, and she is very proud of the person you have become despite everything you have been through. She will give you strength, love and warmth when you need it most.

((((and peace))))

((((((Silver)))))))))

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I had a Nana that I adored, too. I was with her when she passed.

Nothing will ever fill the void she has left behind, but the memories you have of her will keep her in your heart.

(((((((((Silver)))))))))

Tushnurse, I think that's a great idea. We went to the garden today, and it felt like she was there with us, because she loved gardening. It's so important to do these things, isn't it? It feels like we're carrying on the legacy.

Please do the go early thing.

YOU know that Nanna knows your love her, you also know that she doesn't want you to be unhappy or sad.

Definitely.

I've been talking to one of the neighbors in particular. A few months ago something happened. Nana used to have a bank account that my grandmother was also on. My grandmother was taking out a lot of my Nana's money each month, too much. So a few months ago this neighbor took Nana to the bank to open a new account with only her name on it. She made me the beneficiary of her account. The neighbor said she wanted to leave something to me and my son because everything else had already been left to or taken by my grandparents and father.

I don't care about money. The neighbors and my close family have all told me to take what she left me and my son because it was a gift. I understand what they're saying. I'm scared, though, because my grandmother tried to get to the money earlier this week, I just found out, and my father wrote me an email saying that they know I'm the beneficiary of the account and to not spend the money because it might be needed for bills (he mentioned pension refunds). I also found out this week that my grandparents have taken over $30K from Nana in the past year.

While I do not want to give them the money, I'm afraid that if I don't they might hurt me. I'm afraid of not cooperating with them, even though everyone says that I should not give them the money and I don't want to since they have taken more than enough already. I was thinking of just asking them what the bills are so I can pay them directly. Our physical safety is worth more than money or pride. Nana would want us to be safe. What do you guys think?

[This message edited by silverhopes at 7:49 PM, July 29th (Monday)]

Nothing will ever fill the void she has left behind, but the memories you have of her will keep her in your heart.

So true.

I'm sorry you lost your Nana too. They left a big light in the world.

((((silver))))

So sorry for your loss. I can't imagine having to grieve and also deal with the other issues with the family. Sending strength and hugs.

Silver, don't give them any of that money.

That is YOURS from your Nana who wanted you to have it, not to pay bills.

Your grandmother should have paid those bills, instead of stealing your Nana's money.

How can they hurt you? You mean they would physically come after you and cause you harm? Can you alert the police?

They cannot force you to hand over that account. Please don't let them. Also, you're not responsible for any bills left behind.

Don't let them coerce or intimidate you into paying them.

((((((Silver))))))

Nanas really are the brightest lights....it does get so much darker when they're gone.

She will ALWAYS be with you. I don't know if you believe in spirits....but watch your dreams. She may come to you. My Nana comes to me, in mine.

eta

I re-read your posts about your family. Of COURSE you're scared. They are lunatics.

I would stay far away from them. Get a restraining order if you can. Talk to the Sheriff. Tell him she left you this sum of money and they want it. Ask him for advice. He may be able to help you, Silver.

Hang in there. I'm so sorry you have to deal with the crazy on top of trying to come to terms with your Nana's passing.

[This message edited by itainteasy at 7:13 AM, July 30th (Tuesday)]

I think I'm going to talk to the Sheriff. He was really comforting to me when all of this went down. I thought he'd be questioning me and making me feel badly because I was the one who found her... Instead he told me not to blame myself (I was blaming myself because I wish I had stayed with her that night, even though we usually stay up the road, I was blaming myself for things that I know don't make any sense), and he said that he was aware of the situation with my grandparents. Apparently several of the neighbors had mentioned it to him, and several of them had wondered if my grandparents hadn't come up there and done it. So it was a very common suspicion, and I think that's why they checked her extra-carefully for signs of abuse.

I'm thinking of asking the Sheriff if he was planning to attend the memorial service. It's a very small town, so everyone pretty much knows each other anyway. Maybe I'll ask him for advice as well on what to do about this situation and mention my fears. I don't know how much he can do, but it's worth it to try.

I called her bank today. They said to come in, in person, so I'll do that when I go back there. This will give me time to think of what the safest plan is going forward. Was thinking of arriving a day before the memorial service, taking care of any business, and then the day of the memorial service, leaving right afterward and flying home. No chance for extended confrontations or nastiness.

I hope.

And a restraining order is a wonderful idea, itainteasy. Maybe I should start looking into the paperwork for it, so that if I need to, I have everything I need already there.

(((hugs everyone)))

Had one more thought. Maybe it would help to carry my VAR with me when I go up there. Does anyone know if it's illegal to pack a VAR in your luggage, either carry on or checked bag? And for that matter, is it illegal to carry one on your person, recording? That way, if they make any threats or say anything that makes me uncomfortable, I'll have proof.

I was also thinking of making a contract that they have to sign, if they attempt to take the money from me. It would say that I agree to give up x amount of the inheritance under the condition that they do not bother, harass, or harm my family ever again. Not sure if I'm just thinking crazy, but I'm trying to find some way of feeling safer or more protected around them. I'm leaning more towards giving them the money just so they won't have any reason to come after me (though with truly hurtful people, they don't need a reason to come after you). Then trying to be as uninteresting as possible, not answering any emails or contacts...

Also have begun looking into Order of Protection paperwork. Trying to decide which one to apply for if I need to. I have a mental disability, so it might go under "Dependent Adult Abuse Restraining Order".

Writing this out is helping, because one more idea came up.

I would want Nana's gift to go to my son, maybe to save for college or in general if my son needs it. But I don't want any trouble over it.

My mother is good with money, and she also has semi-stood up to my grandparents before (though like I said, also sometimes defends their choices). She says we shouldn't have to worry about paying bills with that money. Maybe I could ask her to help me set up a savings account for my son, that she could watch out for, and then it will be waiting for him for when he's older. That way it's not in my name, so my grandparents wouldn't gain anything by harassing me, and my mother is tough enough to stand up to them. They seem to have some amount of respect for her, or at least they've never threatened her. Though if it seems like it would put her in danger, then never mind that.

I'm going to run it by her... See what she thinks. And a lot of it will depend on how they act in the upcoming weeks. Good to have options.

Night-night, SI. Going to try to sleep now.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 6:10 AM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

I doubt that there are laws against owning/carrying a VAR, but each state is different about using one. In some states, both parties must be aware that they are being recorded. You can look this up on the internet for your state. If this is true where you are, you may be able to get around this by stating to each person that you fear adverse interaction from that you carry a recorder and what they say may indeed be recorded (remember-I'm not an attorney.) When researching, be particularly mindful of the fact that the other party may have to CONSENT to being recorded.

In the long run, your best bet is to ignore them completely--the 180 works for families too. When you go to the bank, see if they can advise you about the ownership of the money your grandmother left in your name. They can't give legal advice, but they may be able to set your mind at rest.

Then, move on. You already know that your family is toxic. Don't put yourself in a position to have to wonder about your sanity. You don't get to pick your relatives, so don't beat yourself up for having lousy ones.

(((((silverhopes)))))

so they won't have any reason to come after me (though with truly hurtful people, they don't need a reason to come after you).

If they have a mind to come after you, they will whether you give them money or not.

Don't give them any.

Keep it for yourself and for your son. That's what your Nana wanted.

I'm not sure I'd trust your mother with it...she may have stood up to your grandparents a couple of times, but will she stand up to them AND your dad if they all come down on her about that money?

You can take that money and put it in a trust for your son--you need a lawyer to do that, I think, but after that, it's not your money. It's his, after he reaches a certain age.

Silver - I am so sorry for your loss. I remember your posts about your nana and how important you were to each other. My heart is heavy for you. (((((hugs)))))

Just reading your posts since you opened this thread, I can see your strength growing. Your nana was the main reason why these toxic people remained near your life, right? There is no reason at this point to continue ANY communications with them. They will not change. You are NOT overreacting. You and little silver have a right to be safe and surrounded by love. Make the choices that support that, and you will be fine. Trust yourself.

If this is true where you are, you may be able to get around this by stating to each person that you fear adverse interaction from that you carry a recorder and what they say may indeed be recorded (remember-I'm not an attorney.) When researching, be particularly mindful of the fact that the other party may have to CONSENT to being recorded.

Thank you Sad in AZ, this is good to know. I will look up what the laws are. Maybe just by saying to them that they're being recorded, it will actually wind up stopping them from being nasty.

You can take that money and put it in a trust for your son--you need a lawyer to do that, I think, but after that, it's not your money. It's his, after he reaches a certain age.

This sounds like the best idea. I like that it would be waiting for him and that it wouldn't be in my name. It feels more protected that way somehow. Nana would be happy knowing it went to her great-great-grandson.

Your nana was the main reason why these toxic people remained near your life, right? There is no reason at this point to continue ANY communications with them.

YES. This is one of the only "good" things about right now. After this one trip (and if we're really lucky, not even then), I will not have to see them ever again. I can officially let them go and we can move on with our lives!

August 12th. Just checked email. Good, now we can get ready.

eta Damn, August 12th is a Monday. So in order to leave directly after the service, I would have to hope it's in the afternoon, we'd have to fly in on Sunday, and go to the bank first thing in the morning on Monday before the service. *crossing fingers*

[This message edited by silverhopes at 12:12 PM, July 31st (Wednesday)]

And a good-hearted neighbor just called me. It's at 1pm, and I asked her if we could come up a day early and hang out with her (if my mother says yes). The neighbor said yes and that she will get the house we usually stay at ready. She said that everyone is invited to the service. This was a concern because most of the valley isn't fond of my grandparents. But everyone is going to be there. I am so thankful. It sounds like it is going to be a wonderful service.

Will definitely post an update once we're back from the service. But in the meantime... needed to vent.

It appears the mind-games have begun. I got an email from my grandmother earlier this evening, mentioning that two photos were missing from Nana's kitchen, that they'd searched the house but they're gone, and that this was "sad and on how many different levels".

I have the photos. Several neighbors know I have the photos because they, in fact, encouraged me to take them so I'd have something positive of my Nana in the upcoming days of mourning her. One of the photos - one of Nana with her two dogs when they were puppies - I had put on my Facebook as some of the extended family and neighbors want copies of that photo. I'm making hard copies but also wanted to put them online for them if they wanted. Since my father and I are connected on Facebook, he would know this too if he were to look at my page.

So I'm pretty sure she knows I have the photos. But instead of saying it upfront or asking upfront, she lays an indirect guilt-trip on me. I sent her a message back saying I have the photos and that I'm making copies of the one with the puppies and will bring the copies with me to the memorial service. Pisses me off for them to be wondering about that particular photo, since my grandfather shot one of those beautiful dogs. The other one disappeared years ago... Hate that now I'm wondering if the dog really "disappeared" or not.

Anyway. Just venting. I knew to keep my guard up when she started with the "nice" emails the day after my Nana's passing. I wrote her back politely but kept on guard, and for good reason.

Wrote my father back too. He'd been sending emails - ranging from technical details of matters to come and a few that were asking if I'm OK. Those were pleasantly nice to receive though felt a little sad too, since like usual never sure when the "closeness" is going to stop (I'd been preparing to let him go emotionally before this happened). We had written back and forth a few times politely. He wrote at the end of the last one that he'll see me at the service. When I wrote back, I brought up the "elephant" and told him my family will be coming with me to mourn as well, and to please let me know what his boundaries are so I can try to respect them. We haven't had any resolution about this situation, and I'd rather know going in where he's at with it (he won't be separating me from my son, so I'd like to know how he wants me to approach him). I haven't heard back from him yet.

Anxiety's building, but hoping determination will follow. Getting a lot done in preparation, going to be strong up there.

Thank you everyone for your support and thoughtfulness, especially to the awesome SI crew yesterday! Hard to be stressed when you're walking at the pier with friends. Stay safe.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:42 AM, August 4th (Sunday)]