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Hey silerhopes, hope you are holding up well.

Just my two cents on a couple of your concerns here.

I would take the VAR. Most of those laws involve admissibility in court. Things that just happen to get picked up are usually admissible, that's why cellphone videos keep turning up even though the people on the videos were not aware of them. Also, in many jurisdictions if the recorder is visible, consent will be inferred. Most of the recorders also have a memo function as well, you can record a few notes to yourself at the beginning, then switch it to VAR mode. (oops, you mean that wasn't off?)

As far as the money vs. bills, don't worry about it. Bills are paid by the executor, out of the proceeds of the estate. That money is no longer in the estate. I am assuming that she set up a joint account with you, so the money is now yours. If you were somehow named as a beneficiary instead, that is still outside of the estate. The executor can pay the bills with what is still in the estate, and when the estate runs out of money, then those bills do not get paid. Creditors can not go after you Nana. The only reason they would want you to pay the bills with that money would be so that they don't have to be paid for by what is inside the estate that they are going to be receiving themselves.

Stay safe.

Also, saying "now is neither the time nor place" in response to anything that makes you uncomfortable is quite appropriate. You can even keep repeating it if necessary.

I would take the VAR. Most of those laws involve admissibility in court.

Not true in the US, aesir. The laws governing use of a VAR vary by state. It is considered wire-tapping and therefore a criminal act if not allowed.

If you need to tape them (and I can understand why), please check the law and if necessary, tape them surreptitiously and do not disclose.

Be safe silverhopes, and so sorry for your loss.

I hope you can get through all this quickly and without issue so that it will all be behind you as soon as possible.

Still having trouble finding state info about VARs. Found this one website that lists 37 states where "one party consent" is OK, and 12 other states where "all party consent" is necessary. Unfortunately both my home state and the state I'm going to are in the latter group. Darn it. Going to call anonymously to a LE department to ask anyway, just to make sure. I wonder if it would be OK if I didn't plan to use it in court, just wanted to have a record for myself.

when the estate runs out of money, then those bills do not get paid. Creditors can not go after you Nana.

I didn't know this. So even if they didn't have enough money, they couldn't go after the gift she gave us. We were named beneficiary of her account. I didn't know this meant it was outside of the estate, this is good to know.

The only reason they would want you to pay the bills with that money would be so that they don't have to be paid for by what is inside the estate that they are going to be receiving themselves.

So true. And it wouldn't surprise me, if they go that route, if they use guilt-tripping and/or intimidation to accomplish it. We think they might be planning to sell my great-grandmother's property, or possibly some of the resources on it (tree farm). They were also handed a very large inheritance from all of this. So we think they have more than enough money to pay for everything. My own inheritance was deemed "small" by the neighbor who helped Nana set up her account, in comparison to my grandparents' and father's... So hopefully they won't think it's worth it to fight me over it. If they do, it's just money. It will be a different story if they try to fight me over the photos.

They do a lot of traveling on their boat and have spent a lot of time on the road, going different places. The neighbors think that's what all the money they took was for, since Nana was still paying her own bills.

Thank you and stay safe everyone.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 1:56 PM, August 4th (Sunday)]

((Silver))

(((((Silver)))))

So sorry for your loss and all you are going/have been through. You are an unbelievably strong person to endure all of this! Don't worry about feeling sad and lost and not being able to think of the good memories. Take the time to grieve, and be gentle with yourself. The fond memories will come in time. Again, so deeply sorry you're in such pain. Wishing you strength and peace!

I'm so very sorry, Silver.

You do whatever your heart says. I had my grandmother pass a few years ago and had issues with family. I didn't attend the funeral and it destroys me

I actually spoke with a neutral family member and she allowed me an hour before the visitation to go sit with my grandmother. I sat there for an hour and cried by myself. Nothing else mattered except letting it out.

Focus on your grieving and what you want/need to do.

((((((((((Silver))))))))))

Sending you continuing strength and comfort, silver. (((((hugs)))))

Hi everyone,

Just writing to say that it went OK. It was very intense at some points. I saw my father and my grandmother, which was difficult. My mother was sort of pushing for it to happen. Mr Silver and Lil Silver kept me anchored. The neighbors in the valley were very supportive and many of them came up to say something kind to me. But there was also a lot of bad energy among people, mostly toward my grandparents and father, but also other strange dramas. Apparently my grandfather was there, but he didn't say a word to anyone. I didn't even know he was there until someone told me. Thank goodness, there were no confrontations.

Still feeling a lot of mixed feelings, but mostly about my family and extended family and all the issues there. Feeling a little more peace about Nana, because she left me an example of an amazing and strong woman. She's still who I want to be when I grow up, and this visit just made it even stronger. We threw a bouquet of flowers into the river. It felt like some small amount of closure to do that.

The drama will sort itself out, or it won't, but either way just going to keep a positive attitude and try to be respectful of everyone.

Hope you all are doing OK tonight. Stay strong no matter what.

I've been thinking about you. Thanks for the update.

I'm glad running into your dad et al wasn't as disastrous as it could have been.

You are so strong and your sweet boy is a perfect example of what having love and stability in one's life looks like.

Big hugs to you.

Thank you Jrazzie. I hope we'll have another g2g so we can see you guys again. Your daughter is the cutest!

Things are going to get better. Right now I'm having a lot of nightmares and trouble sleeping and trouble eating. But we're making plans and moving one step forward at a time. Not sure what everyone wants right now. There seemed like there were agendas at the memorial among a lot of different people. Feeling a little uneasy and anxious about it. Feels like a good time to remember boundaries and emotional regulation and listening carefully and being proactive and careful and internal validation. I can do this.

It's been a little more than 3 weeks, and all the time, I wish I could give her a hug.

[This message edited by silverhopes at 3:55 AM, August 15th (Thursday)]

((((silver)))) Thank you for letting us know how it went. I'm thankful you, your H, and little silver came through everything safely and were able to have your own moment of closure at the river.

The drama, agendas, and politics of other folks will be whatever they make them. Remember that you can only control your exposure to them and your reactions. Hold your boundaries.

Sending you continued strength and comfort.

Thank you, my Empress Lady NIK

Thank you everyone. All of you have helped me so much through what is a very difficult time, and I appreciate it more than I can say.

With regards to the money, do not answer your phone if any of them call you. Like someone said, your connection to them was your Nana, now you don't have to have anything to do with them. Let them play their own games.

When my XWH used to come over here causing trouble I made a promise to my children (and myself). This (our home) is our safe haven from the whole world. There will never be any drama here again. If he were to ever come here again (besides for visitation pickup) I would simply call the police and NOT answer the door. He talks bad about me to himself and to whomever will listen,but I don't live in his world anymore.

You can be strong, too, and feel your Nana's strength being passed on to you and your children. Don't pet the drama lama -- steer clear of family members.

Don't pet the drama lama -- steer clear of family members.

You are so right. And I think right now that's going to include the extended family and neighbors too, just because of the weird sense of agendas I got from so many folks. If they don't have an agenda, they'll understand: everything's still intense right now and we're all still healing.

Not going to pet the llama. Time to hold the boundaries (thank you NIK).

I think it's finally really sinking in what happened. Does anyone have any advice? I'm having mind movies about Nana. Today I saw pictures of her the day before, when we were playing together down by her river, and she was wearing the same outfit, and suddenly all these images came flooding in. All of the fear came back. I wish so much I could have kept it from happening to her. I was right down the road! I wish I had been there so I could have kept her safe. I don't know how to deal with this pain. How can I ever make it up to her? It's really sinking in that she's not here. I know she'd want me to be happy and take extra special care of my son, "our boy". And I will. I wish so much that she knew how much I love her.

(((Silver))))

She knows. Really she does. She doesn't want you thinking on the bad stuff.

Remember all the great times, and it sounds like where she passed was a place she loved to be, find peace in that.

((((and strength))))

I wish so much that she knew how much I love her.

Silver, honey - do you know how much she loves you? Do you feel that? Do you know it in your heart, even without hearing it from her?

Why would you doubt that she feels your love as well? Words aren't needed to express that, to feel that. She knows, honey. As sure as you do. ((((silver))))

I know. I just wish I had said it to her more. You can never say "I love you" too many times to the people who matter.

On the last night I saw her, we sat at her table and held hands. I was really tired because I hadn't slept the night before, and I felt bad that I wasn't being chatty enough, but I wanted to be with her, and I told her that when she offered that I could lie down on her bed. So we both just sat there, holding hands, both of us half-asleep. It was so nice.

Come to think of it, everyone says she had the greatest last day. So maybe I do need to remember that more. All the good things we did on the last day. And we were planning to have an even better next day. We were going to take her out to eat somewhere nice and take pictures (the "generations" photo we always take) and maybe play in the river again. I was going to tell her that I'd be coming back for her birthday, which is around Thanksgiving, and we hadn't done that in years.

I guess it's just the shock of what happened is setting in. But on the bright side - she was in the place she loved, and she loved her river more than anything, and she got to see us one more time, and I got to see her. She went on her terms, so there's got to be something very special about that. Something divine.

Come to think of it, everyone says she had the greatest last day. So maybe I do need to remember that more. All the good things we did on the last day. And we were planning to have an even better next day. We were going to take her out to eat somewhere nice and take pictures (the "generations" photo we always take) and maybe play in the river again.

That sounds like a great time to go, unexpected and not just having had a great time, but still having some more plans for the future.

So glad to hear that you got through all of this reasonably well (and not nearly as bad as you feared).

I don't know how to deal with this pain.

This is one of those things that I don't think time heals. Don't be frightened by that thought though. It is not so much a matter of learning to live with it, as it is accepting and embracing what it is really all about. Nothing more can hurt our loved ones, and the pain we feel is over our own loss. That loss will always be there, but in time we learn to accept that the reason we feel that loss is because we had something special. When I think back on everyone that is gone, it hurts, but only because I have happy memories that I would gladly endure the pain to keep. At least that is how I think of it. The rest is in my tagline.