Dear Broken...
So sorry you are here.
You have already taken the first step to healing, you reached out for support. You found a very safe place full of very compassionate people that know exactly what you're going through. We've all been where you are now and most of us have made it out the other side.
We will do our best to help you while you find your way, too.
You are right - it stinks.
Stay true to yourself. Set your boundaries and love yourself enough to stick to them.
(((gently))) - It doesn't sound as if your wife quite "get's it" yet.
By what you have written it sounds that she regrets being caught but isn't remorseful for what she has done. Big difference.
She is angry that you shared her secret? Too bad. If you could trust her you wouldn't need to do this to find comfort and support. If she hadn't broken her commitment to you there wouldn't be anything to tell.
Right now, do whatever it is you need to catch your breath and find your equilibrium that includes finding people you can count on and that support you.
Your WW needs to understand this and hang on. The road to true reconciliation is a long and tough one. There are good days and really brutal days. Your feelings will be all over the place and rightfully so.
Right now she is very remorseful
Her actions, not words will determine how this process proceeds.
She needs to show you that she is sorry. She needs to answer any and all questions even if you've asked them 1,000 times.
She needs to understand the magnitude of your hurt and betrayal.
Healing takes time. You can't fast track this. You have to feel, express and deal with everything you are feeling. If you don't, it will rear it's ugly head down the road (triggers are tricky like that).
Regret is about being careless enough to get caught. Regret is for the shame she may feel. Regret is being sorry for something you've done, but not necessarily taking action to make amends. One can feel sorry that their BS is hurting without doing a single thing to comfort them or help them recover. Regret is a feeling that is momentary and can be easily suppressed, especially if they are someone who compartmentalizes. Regret is passive.
Remorse, on the other hand, is active. Remorse comes when the betrayer, feel compassion for the BS. It is when they are willing to do whatever it takes to help the BS heal. Remorse is selfless. Remorse asks, 'what more can I do to help you?'
You need to see that she understands your pain. When it is true remorse, they realize that they'd do anything- literally anything- to take away your pain. In other words - they "get it."
Remorse is taking responsibility for their bad choices and is necessary for recovery and true reconciliation.
Are you sure the affair is over? Has your WW agreed to NC?
If she has one foot out the door, then see an attorney so you know your rights.
Hang in there and know that we are here. Keep moving.
(((hugs)))
[This message edited by 1Faith at 5:05 PM, August 5th (Monday)]