SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi. went on a 10 day vacation. felt great. came back home and the agony started all over again. stayed in bed all day. no motivation.

did a BAD thing. Posted a WOW really message on an anniversary photo of MOW facebook page. Twice. she emailed WS, asking what is MY ISSUE? Really?

WS came home asked me what my problem was. my face was pained before he walked in. guess he didn't notice or didnt care or maybe my behavior is soooo bad.

basically told me he was so sorry he had done this to me, that i deserved so much better than him, that i'm beautiful, sexy, intelligent, etc....that we are so different, different intelligence, opposite sides of political spectrum... i'm not beautiful but whatever... that i could find and deserve a much better man than him. he said he loves me and cares about me, but nothing like i love you so much (like he said to his AP).... i said when did you stop loving me, he said never, i still love you. i said you are so over me aren't you. he said i'm kinda over you, especially when you act like this. I said oh so your love is conditional. he said he didn't want to talk anymore.

earlier when he came home and he was asking what MY issue was I told him and he said WHY bother AP, ruin her family, etc. it's HIM that should be subject of my rage. True, i said, but she did it too. then i took my arms and threw everything off the counter, shattering two large decorative bowls (one I LOVED).....

he then went downstairs and packed some things and started to walk out door. i stopped him. he said he wasn't staying with me in the house. i asked him not to go. he said he was leaving or going to the basement and locking the door.

it's bad isn't it. it's so bad. thing is, i KNOW is shouldn't have posted on facebook. I know that was bad. that i should let it be. no, i haven't told AP's BS. truthfully, i don't want to ruin his life. But I STILL want HER to suffer. which is not like me, i'm so into kindness toward others and compassion etc. but her all i want is for her to suffer for having the audacity to fuck around with my man.

should i just let it all go. he's not willing to deal with my emotions, i likely don't know HOW to deal with them all the time in a MATURE fashion (if maturity is actually a realistic word in this over the top emotional pain situation)..

any comments welcome. please don't hold back.

thanks

oh ps i thought about going to the police tonight, telling them about my issue and my desire to tell MOW's BS, and asking their opinion.. duh idiot me. like who wants to get police involved. like the police would be on my side. Why IS IT that other people who commit crimes go to prison, and those who commit the crime of adultery are advised not to tell?

in pain,

agonyofit

I would have to ask, why on earth have you NOT told the OBS? Does he not deserve to know what is going on in his marriage? Does he not deserve to make the decision for his life that you have made, whether to stay and try to R with a cheater or not? Does he not have a right to protect his health from STD's? Do you not deserve to have another partner to help you keep eyes on the A since it went on for so long even after you knew about it?

Does the BS not deserve to know? I have a feeling it would help your anger tremendously, I know it helped mine and helped me get the focus back on my own M.

Why does it even matter to him what you might say to or about the OW?

YOUR well being is his concern. NOT HER'S.

Tell her husband.

YOUR husband needs to unpack his crap and settle down before YOU pack his crap in hefties and set them on the kerb.

i have not told the OBS because my MOTHER is afraid that revenge will come back to haunt me. that they will come after me. that he will tell me that i ruined his life. that he might not Want to know. that she could come after me. she has kids; mothers protect their cubs. that this has been so incredibly painful for me that i cannot (yet) bring myself to inflict this pain on others. that most affair "experts" advise not to tell (marriage builder guy being an exception, and even he admits it's controversial). that my attorney advised not to tell and my therapist has gently said if you're not sure, just wait.

it "might" help my anger and it "might" backfire. i just don't know. I've tried so hard to figure it out. meanwhile, just found out that my WS did communicate with MOW earlier today than he told me. so much for me being a sleuth and for him not covering his tracks.

i should really just leave. why oh why am i putting myself through all this? likely because I STILL can't handle the rejection of it all.

Do you have proof of the A that you can offer to the MOW BS?

I contacted the BS and offered him the emails I had. He listened, never got irate, told me he was suspicious and almost hired a PI (God, I wish he had). I only had one phone conversation and a few email exchanges with him. 2.5yr and have never had contact with him again.

I did exactly what I would have wanted a BS to do for me...Let me know what was happening behind my back.

Remember: You are not ruining his life by telling. His cheating wife, and your WH ruined his life by betraying him. You are respecting his life.

You do not need to have proof to tell. If I had no evidence to give him I would still have contacted MOW BH.

I know it can be difficult but try to make the MOW a non entity in your life. Do not give her the satisfaction of witnessing how her actions hurt you...screw her!

Your WH should have no concern for MOW or her family. You, and you alone, should be his priority ~ anything less would concern me.

Your WH could benefit from reading How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair.

So you have a support system, family/friends/IC?

{{{TheAgonyOfIt}}}

i have LOTS of proof.

i totally realize i didn't do the dirty deed, but i WOULD cause pain by exposing it to him. They also have 4 kids.

thanks for advise of making MOW a non entity. I was successful with that during most of this time, but the urge for her to SUFFER like i have SO much took over today and i did the little FB thing to send her into a panic. Suffer bitch! I know, it's bad. I sort of regret it. Sort of don't. I think i've aroused MOW's BS, which is why she contacted my WH, and I guess I Kind of hope he contacts me with a desire to know so that I don't have to carry the burden of the secret anymore, she can face the horror of her own creation, and i can know that he WANTS to know.

I agree that MOW should not be a concern for WH. He claims she isn't. I kind of believe him. Honestly I think it's just that he cannot DEAL with the emotional fallout of this all and I am not always the most emotionally regulated person. Generally I am fine but this is a HOT thing and I don't always cope so well. I've thrown things, yelled, threatened etc.

thanks for tip. he's listened to parts of Affair recovery books and then gave up. typical. not surprising.

Support for me? No, not really. I have IC 2x week. Only my mother knows but she can't handle the emotional burden either. I'm kind of alone in all this. we started MC but only a few sessions and it's slow go and then vacation break etc.

THANK YOU FOR WRITING. sometimes i am feeling so desperately painful

I guess I Kind of hope he contacts me with a desire to know so that I don't have to carry the burden of the secret anymore

You have absolutely no obligation to keep their dirty little secret.

Tell the BH and tell him now. It is the only way to shut down their A.

The BH deserves to know the reality of his life. His WW is robbing him of his life. He is blindly living a lie, like The Truman Show. Give him back his life and allow him to see his reality.

[This message edited by Jospehine85 at 12:16 AM, August 9th (Friday)]

she has kids; mothers protect their cubs.

I would say she was not protecting them while cheating on their father and would have no clue whether she would protect them much now. Not all mothers are good mothers. She may be in some ways, and she may not be, but I would not presume she is a good one just because she is a "mother."

Not a good reason not to tell the BS IMO. Her continuing behavior will hurt her kids far more than you telling on her. And the cheating behavior is far more likely to continue if people (including you) think they should keep her dirty secrets. You are right though, that if you tell, she will likely BLAME you for hurting her family instead of putting the blame where it belongs: on herself. But who cares what she thinks or says?

that most affair "experts" advise not to tell (marriage builder guy being an exception, and even he admits it's controversial).

I wonder where these so-called experts get this idea. There was a time when I was probably on the "don't tell" side.

Well, now I'm on the side of the BS deserves to know and it is far more likely to help stop the A than anything else.

I can tell you this. I had two d-days in my situation. If I had told the whore's H after the first one, I don't think there would have been a D-day #2. I could have saved myself so much pain.

But the bottom line for me, is that yes a big part of me knew Whore would be ANGRY and if it upset her day, oh well! I wish I could have been a mouse in her house when her H opened the package that he likely assumed was work related, but it was audio recordings on a CD of his whore-wife's voice mails left on my H's abandoned secret tracfone, begging and blubbering for him to see her again, and bawling that she luuuuuuuuuuuvved him sooooo much.

I was a little scared he'd come after my H, but I can tell you they rarely do and neither did this guy, even though I've been told he is "violent." The first thing I would do in your shoes is tell her BS. It may not save your M, and it may make your H angrier than he already is, if and when he finds out you told, but that should be another sign that he has checked out of your M.

And if that is the case, don't hold on to him. It is true you deserve better. You can't control anybody but yourself, so if he does not want to be the H you deserve, let him go (kick him out or leave him). Just my two cents.

Give him the evidence, then let go of the outcome. Setting up a dump email address so the OBS can contact you if he has any questions - done.

You will feel better on that score, at least.

The bigger problem is you are trying to R with an unremorseful H.

You are draggin the wagon with 2 broken wheels while your H stands on the side with the replacements & does nothing to help.

Would make me angry too.

Solution: stop.

Remember the 4 elements of successful R:

Remorse

Transparency

Honesty

NC

He is still in contact - one broken wheel.

&

he's listened to parts of Affair recovery books and then gave up. typical. not surprising.

he's not remorseful - the other broken wheel.

Stop draggin.

You'll feel much better when you start tending to your own needs - 180.

YOU would not be causing pain, THEY did that by cheating. I was in the dark with FWH first A. I wish I had been told. I knew something was off just didn't know what. Tell the BS

Love affair 9/2008 to 4/2013. Led to our separation in 2010

^^^For 4 years^^^

And her BS does not know? She had a "love affair" for 4 years with your husband and you are worried about what she might do? Or causing pain? How old are her 4 kids? Boy she really had it good didn't she? Getting it at home, having kids, safe and secure yet getting to screw your husband on the side?

Why is it that they say a marriage and its problems are 50/50 yet when 2 people have an affair that it is soley 100% the WS's fault? (along with blaming the BS) It seems like it lets the AP off free as a bird for their part in the affair. I would be SOOOOOO finding a way to tell this BS without your husband or the OW knowing.

Simply posted "two-faced bitch" on ow's facebook-boy,did she close her fb account quickly,not opened again that I can see!Also,about 10 months after d-day,I finally decided to out ow to her work and university management,by sending copies of explicit e-mails to them, which showed she was using office space,office time,office e-mail address and office telephone line to conduct the affair.I sent these through a new made-up account not in my name to prevent traceability.That felt good,no idea if she's still employed or able to finish her disertation but I wanted to imagine her face when confronted with it all Then received a solicitor's letter saying if there was any more contact I could be charged with harrassment.Too late for her,I've done what I wanted to do,and don't want any more contact.Oh, and put the solicitor straight on several points where she'd obviously been lying through her teeth to her/him,and had several digs at her as pointed out a good few home truths about the physical,psychological and financial effects of discovering the affair-counteracting her whinging and moaning (poor me I'm so hard done by sort of thing).All very satisfying,heard nothing more since.

I told her husband what had been going on(my H had stopped it nearly a year before d-day)within half an hour of finding the damning e-mails,before I had even confronted my H.It never occured to me not to tell him,he had as much right to know as I had,it's just that I'm the one who found out.I'm sure if the tables were turned he would have told me.

i WOULD cause pain by exposing it to him.

No, that's like saying a doctor caused pain by telling a patient they had cancer. He needs to know what's going on, so he can protect himself. Don't keep this information from him.

Why are putting yourself through so much additional hell?

Seriously. Your H is not remorseful, he doesn't get it, and certainly doesn't want to do the hard work of R.

You want to R? Then you need to do as much as you can to save your M.

Out the A to the other spouse. This is a very important step to stopping things, and bringing all the nasty dark secrets out into the daylight.

Why are you so concerned about retribution? Because your mom said she will do it? Are you a criminal or a bad mom that beats her kids, or a drug dealer? Didn't think so, if she attempts to come after you the law is on your side. Our parents want to limit our pain and suffering, and I am sure your mom just wants to prevent you from having to deal with it.

Your H wants to leave? He wants to stay in the basement? Fine let him. Until he sees that you will be fine taking care of you, and not fretting over him and his actions, he will stop to think about what he has done. Read up on the 180, and start to really implement it. Protect you, take care of you.

Have you gone to an attorney for information, and advice? If not DO! And do it soon. Answers about all the what if's will help give you some strength, and power.

Lastly are you absolutely sure it's over? If not then you need to demand NC, if he balks then you may have to go into sleuth mode.

YOU are so concerned about loosing him, but if he is still carrying on with her, you don't really even have him at this point.

Don't let him make you a choice.

You are correct you deserve better, but until you demand it, you won't get it.

((((and strength))))

Your WH is clearly still in contact with OW, otherwise he wouldn't have known you posted something on her FB. If the OW's BH finds out that there's an A and his wife is contacting your H, the chances are incredibly high that he will put an end to that immediately. Just like you are watching your WH, he will watch his WW. Just like you are making demands of NC and things to heal your home, he will likely make those same demands of his WW. Maybe he'll even be better at convincing his WW to not do the things you can not convince your WH to not do.

This man has a right to know. This man will likely not want to have anything to do with your family, just like you don't want anything to do with his. Statistically, he is not going to do anything. Statistically, he will be just as upset as you are and try to make his M work.

This man has children also, do you think he would go out and do anything that would put them at risk of losing their father? Most likely not. Most likely he is a gentle giant who will be hurt but grateful that you told him.

With the continued contact with OW and your WH, you have GOT to tell him to get more eyes on this so the contact will stop. Otherwise, you might end up with an OC (if there's not one already), child support, and another DDay. You are risking your own marriage by not telling this man what his wife is up to.

(((theagonyofit)))

Dont beat yourself up over wanting the ow to suffer. Many of us here, myself included, have felt the same way.

They have a good ole fucking time and we ultimately pay the price for it. I get it.

You, on the other hand, have an option that was never available to me. You can out the ow to her bs. In fact, you morally should. Let her deal with some of the fall out she has created.

How did you feel knowing 5 years of your life was a lie? Should the obs not know what is going on in his own life? You have truth that he desperately needs. Please give it to him.

Your wh and ow are still in contact. Are you sure the affair has ended?? That's questionable, as its obvious they are still in contact.

The obs can help you put an end to it. 5 years carrying on together? They're not going to let go of it that easily. I'm sorry, but that's the truth and you need to pull out the troops to stop them.

I know its hard, but dont be afraid. You have nothing to fear when you have truth on your side.

Its time to put an end to their bullshit. Put crying aside for now, get in touch with the obs and start 180'ing his ass hard.

sending you strength,,,,,,

i feel that directing my anger toward MOW is wrong; that her marriage is her business and that i should be dealing with MY relationship.

and if i am SOOOOO angry with her, and living mostly fairly nicely with him, isn't that such a transference of anger. it's misdirected. and i really wonder if i have the "right" to interfere in their lives, in their children. have any of you read the article by the guy at wordpress http://affairadvice.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/should-you-tell-the-spouse-of-your-spouses-affair-partner-about-the-affair/

Geez - I get angry for you just reading this.

You WH has the kahunas to twist it all around on ya to the point that you were telling him not to go? He should be on his knee begging you to let him stay.

Don't let him play that game with you.

I disagree with you not telling OBS. She made 'their' relationship your business by partaking in a relationship with your WH.

I spent YEARS as the OBS waiting for someone - anyone to validate that my gut was right and that I was not crazy.

I wasted years living in a toxic relationship and exposing my kids to a BAD example of a marriage. You are not helping them by being apart of the dark truth.

Your mom sounds like she is reading you advice from a 1970's edition of Good Housekeeping: Turning the other cheek and pretend all is well.

The problem with that advice is you are the one all in an emotional mess while everyone else is living life.

TAKE care of YOU!!!!

I think you might be viewing telling the BS in the wrong light. You would not be telling the BS JUST to get revenge on OW. You would be telling BS to a) give him info he has a right to have to make a decision about his life and his marriage b) get a second set of eyes on this relationship to make sure NC goes into effect and stays there c) protecting your OWN marriage by helping NC be enforced (see section b) d) doing what you probably wish someone would have done years ago with your own WH, expose the truth so you could reduce the fallout.

I told the BS of the OW he had the PA with and he was justifiably angry but not at me! He was in fact quite grateful to me for as he said "stepping up and doing the right thing". I would have wanted him to tell me if he had found out first and he wanted me to tell him. I also let the other BS of the sexting situations know but never heard anything from them (with the exception of one man who asked me to forward my email proof then nothing). I have ZERO regret about doing it, IMHO the other BS had the RIGHT to know!