SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry this is long, but here's my story: Married 13 years and have 2 kids ages 11 and 9. Things with my wife haven't been good for the past year or so. She's been very hard to get along with and I've been mostly sleeping on the couch. My wife told me in March she no longer was in love with me and wanted out of our marriage. I was floored. Though things weren't good between us, I just thought it was something we'd get through. She's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and is difficult to deal with sometimes. This is a seriously mental affliction and to go along with that condition she's also in full menopause.

She said in March she just wanted to be alone and not in a relationship, though unbelievably she said she could decide after we parted ways that she would want to begin dating me again. She said she wants to sell the house and leave. I couldn't bear the thought of being away from my kids so I told her that I would leave her alone to do her thing while we lived here but that I wasn't ready to deal with not being around my kids every day. We figured on potentially selling within a year.

Then I find out from her close friend in early August that my wife has been having a hot-and-cold affair for the last 6 months with a guy we both know and have worked with in the past. I was devastated. (She also had an affair with a co-worker 7 years ago that nearly destroyed me .. but thngs were actuallyreally good for about 5 or 6 years ). Of course, she steadfastly denied it. Said I was crazy. Meanwhile, I saw through her Facebook account that she'd been constantly IM'ing the guy. I confronted her and she actually unfriended me on Facebook. My wife never leaves her phone unattended and has a security code on it and always seems to be texting or IM'ing on FB.

Through some snooping in her diary/notebook, I found out that my wife is in love with this new guy, who is married with three kids. My wife was obsessed with this guy to the point she cut herself in the shower to cope with the fact that this guy apparently broke off their relationship about 3 weeks ago. (She is on medication now and has been doing noticeably better).

My wife is a beautiful, smart and talented woman who has a high-ranking online job, but she's been basically non-existent around the house, even when she's been here. She's clearly moping. As I've done since March, I continue to pretty much be everything to the kids as well as handle things around the house -- I even began cooking and have been taking care of things that need to be done.

I've seen a counselor who said BPD people are a different animal and not really suitable for sustainable relationships -- she was amazed we've lasted 13 years. Also the friends who I've confided in say I need to move on. For some reason, I still love my wife and hope that she wakes up from this and becomes her self again and that we could have another chance with our marriage. Is this crazy? My mind tells me I need to move on but my heart won't listen.

All this time I've been focusing on improving myself as a man and as a father. I've begun running, I've been training to the point where I'm in the best shape I've been in quite a few years.

Because my wife is so down about the apparent end of her affair, a couple of times I've caught myself looking for details to see if she's still reaching out to him.

Through all of this, here is my biggest dilemma: Should I somehow tell the OM's wife what her husband has been up to? I see declarations of love between the OM and his wife on FB and it just pisses me off sometimes. Am I wrong to want this guy and my wife to suffer some consequences for their actions?

I've been really thinking hard about anonymously letting his wife know either by an email or by simply calling her and pretending to be someone else who knows both my wife and her husband.

It sounds like the relationship is probably over but knowing my wife, she won't give up. That's why I'm thinking of exposing both of them to his wife to not only have them both face some consequences. It would make me feel good to cause them some grief for what they've put me through but I feel bad for his wife, who may be sick from what I'm told, but doesn't she deserve to know the truth about her husband?

But since my wife's affair seems to be over, should I forget contacting anyone and just continue to focus on myself and my kids and hope my wife snaps out of it?

What do you think I should do?

My only answer is yes. Exposé it no matter what the extra circumstances might be in your case. The other BS has the right to know that this is going on. You would have wanted to be told.

T

Yes, by all means tell her. She needs to know what her WS has been doing, so she can protect herself.

I think you should contact her. I wish someone had contacted me when my WW was in her affair.

Contacting the other BS will serve two purposes: (1) clue her to her husbands activities and (2) make it more difficult to contact your wife.

Tired......those are the exact two reasons I contacted him.....and both worked.

T

Yes. Exposé it. I wish someone had told me before it became physical.

Absolutely...his BW deserves to know what has happened in her marriage,just as you did.

And she needs to be tested for STD's..chances are,this isn't his first affair,and/or your WW isn't his only OW. The BW health is at risk. She needs to know so she can protect herself.

Don't tell your WW that you are going to tell..just do it. Call her so you know she knows..if you email or facebook her,chances are OM will intercept that message,since he knows you know.

Hi Arizonakid82,

Yes, as the others have indicated, you should tell the OM’s BS.

She's been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder ...

I am sorry to read this, and your IC is right that it is amazing you two made it this long. My FWW has definite BPD traits, she has not been diagnosed, but I believe she has at least 5 of the symptoms necessary for a diagnosis.

For some reason, I still love my wife

This is where you ought to be focusing your effort. Why do you still believe that you love her? She has said she does not love you; she left the M for an A. BPD people often have issues with intimacy and personality persistence making emotional intimacy very difficult, not a good basis for a M. Why did you accept a year of sleeping on the sofa? What do these things say about you?

I ask you these things; because these are the things I had to face within myself.

I too said I loved my WW who had turned to OM for emotional and sexual affirmation. I tolerated years of an asexual M, and being treated poorly. I accepted less than I deserved, and I took the blame for problems in our M.

… and hope that she wakes up from this and becomes her self again and that we could have another chance with our marriage. Is this crazy?

She won’t. If she feels scared or panicked the “nice and loving” her may return for a while to draw you back in, but once she feels safe again you will be back on the couch and she will be looking for another OM because you are not making her happy again.

Even if she acknowledges her BPD, and decides she is going to work to overcome the disorder and wants to stay with you as a W and family, she will never be “cured”. At best, she will learn new behaviors to compensate for the dysfunctional behaviors. She can learn ways to perceive things differently and not jump to the black and white thinking. But these will all be new layers over a life of learned responses. The BPD will always be in there, and at times of stress it will tend to re-emerge.

FWW has attended IC, read books, and worked to overcome her BPD traits, and she still struggles years later.

She has had one previous A that you know of, and now this one too. She is telling you that she does not want to be in a relationship with you or anyone, my FWW has said this too. I would listen to what she is saying, and figure out why you are still professing to love her. Now when I look back, I am shocked at how much crap I took from my W.

I agree with the other posters. You need to expose the A to the OM''s BW. She deserves to know.

With regards to your WW I''m afraid my advice is going to be contrary to what you hope.

Your IC is quite correct (as is atsenaotie). BPD cannot be cured. It can only be treated and even then when the patient is motivated to improve their behaviors. However, that is rare. Your WW is not remorseful based on your post. She would still be in her A if the OM hadn''t ended it.

See a lawyer and pursue full custody of your kids. Do it immediately. Get yourself in IC. Get some distance from your WW.

[This message edited by Brandon808 at 2:39 PM, September 3rd, 2013 (Tuesday)]

Yes please say so. No need to be mean or revengeful when you do so. Do it with the intent that just like you, that BS want answers and all the facts. You can tell the other BS that no matter what she does with the information is up to her. That you've done your part as a person in the exact same position as her.

To add on to the last response - You love her, but she clearly does not love you. She loves herself, if you fall in line with what she wants at the moment, then you get it back, if not then you don't.

Honestly you need to step back and think of the example you are setting for the kids. If they see this dysfunctional, loveless/onesided marriage, and think that is the normal, then .....

It Hurts like hell, but she has showed you who she is twice now. She will continue to do this to you, until you say stop.

As far as exposing goes, I would definitely let the OM wife know what was up. She too probably feels like things are off, and can't figure it out. Don't warn your wife you are telling, just do it. But be ready for a narcissistic tirade after. This will be all your fault, and she may come a bit unhinged when she finds out.

Lastly please go see an attorney to find out how to protect yourself, your kids, and your assets.

Keep posting here, keep asking questions.

((((and strength))))

Please, please consider what atsenaotie and Brandon have said. My XWW made it as far as a pre-diagnosis of Borderline and decided that she knew better than the psychiatrist. We didn't attend any more sessions after he suggested that he wanted a deeper look.

BPD is VERY difficult to treat as has been stated. Your children will need extra care and protection. I don't mean physically, but emotionally. Especially if she is NOT in therapy.

Absolutely tell the other spouse.

I agree especially with second's response about being tested for STDs. I was furious that my WBF put me at risk for STDs. Thankfully I tested negative to everything but they don't ever think they're lying counterparts could be lying about being clean.

their not they're - oye

I say tell the BS.

Tell. It is the right thing to do.

For many reasons, you need to tell the OM's wife.

1. Health reasons - This woman is potentially at risk for STDs.

2. Protection/Danger Risk - If your wife has Personality Disorder issues, the OM's wife is potentially in danger - as in your wife might want to do harm to her. Especially if she is off of her meds for some reason.

3. There is nothing wrong with the OM suffering. That asshole is making you suffer and he doesn't give a rats ass about how you feel. I'd be more concerned however about the wife.

4. By checking in regularly with the OM's wife, it can keep your wife on the straight and narrow if you want to continue with her. But it doesn't sound like this is where it's going.

Lawyer up if you haven't already. I'm sorry you had to join the best online club that you NO ONE wants to be in.

I think we are all in agreement with telling the OBS. I'm more concerned with you my friend. Your WW is a repeat offender. She has basically dropped out of the M and now that the OM dumped her. She has dropped out of your kids lives as well. While I understand that you love her can you please explain to me what she brings to the table ? I don't think this situation is good for any of you. Your being walked all over here pal. Your nothing but a doormat for her. I can hear from your words that this is not what you want. But unless you do something about this it will not go away. As soon as the next asshole who comes along with a smile and a story she will keep having affairs. Things will not change unless you say they do. And lets not forget the fact that your children are seeing this all. Kids learn from example. Is this what you want to teach them ? I'm sorry if I sound harsh. But this is just fact brother.

Your WW has not been held accountable for her actions. And I think you are holding on to her BPD as an excuse for her behaviors. You need to stop that right now. You must stand up now and tell her enough is enough. And don't make idle threats. I suggest you get some IC and learn how to detach from her ASAP. Her behavior is very erratic and I feel that its imperative for you and your kids to force some consequences on her. Up to and including D. Consult an attorney and find out your rights and responsibilities. Her current depression over the OM gives you a good shot at full custody of the kids. You cant be nice to her my man. She is not going to snap out of this unless you do it for her. Stop making excuses for her and drop a bomb of reality into her little fantasy life. Because if you don't things are going to get much worse. Hang in there bro. We are here if you need us.

BPD is one of those "impossible"situations that do a lot of emotional damage to those around them.

Your children need counseling and protection. This above all else that you want.

You simply cannot hope that you alone will be able to help them through it. It takes a village!

Yes, tell the other BS, maybe they can save their marriage.

As for your wife, who knows. BPD was a pretty grim diagnosis 25 years ago, and it still is. However, some 70% or more of those diagnosed are believes to be survivors of abuse. They may have PTSD, and may be able to manage their disease with the right help. However, many of them will not talk about their abuse, which makes it difficult to know what is really going on.

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000935.htm

I'm very sorry for what you are going through. I was actually fairly steadfast in my decision not to tell the OBS, because I thought the contact had truly ended in July (and the AP is now in a different country for work). I didn't see what it would do for me. HOWEVER...I just found out a few hours ago that my WH and AP were still emailing, as recent as last week. I just sent an email to the OBS. I have had it.