SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First thing she is going to try to do is to warn the OM that you know.

Do not tell your WW that you are going to tell the other man's wife. Just do it asap - with evidence in hand. Since you saved stuff to a word file-- forward it to a secret email acct or flash drive in case your WW deletes everything on your computer. My XWH crashed our computer.

Your WW mentally left the marriage a year ago. She is screwed up to be screwing a man with a new baby.

Be sane. Be focused. Be centered. You are fighting an addiction. This is the same as confronting an alcoholic.

I understand the double betrayal -- friend with wife--because my XWH did the same thing to me.

You can also look on I Can Relate section here as there is a section for husbands and a section for those hit with a double betrayal.

Keep posting.

cytron, here is that link corrected.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=469167

Yes Cytron, please have the VAR or nanny cam. This is a very valid point, that I never think of for the Mens here. However I have seen multiple incidents of WW's making false claims. It's insane, and every single man that it has happened to, probably felt that there was no way their wife would do that. Just try to keep in mind that she is not who she used to be. That person has checked out, and when waywards are backed into a corner, they will do anything to regain a sense of balance and power.

I know you get the need to be in control on Saturday, but you don't need to be aggressive, you need to be calm, cool, and collected, sans emotions. Think of it as a business transaction, and really really really try to leave the emotions at the door. Initally this was damn near impossible for me, and I would end up a blubbery mess, and he couldn't even stand to see it, and would often walk away. But when I was finally able to hold together, and be very calm, and clear on my plan, that was when he got it, and he became the blubbery mess.

((((and strength ))))

Make sure you get your confrontation timing right-is there any way you can tell OM's wife (with evidence) just before your confrontation with your wife? That way there won't be time for your wife and OM to get together and concoct some excuse or agree on a much reduced version of events (TT) - it happened to me, and makes the whole saga much harder to deal with.

You got some good advice but i too have some thing,

The A progressed right under your nose and you were aware of it for a long time. You never stood your ground and confronted her or him.

If you have confronted them at the beginnig and drawn the line, it may not have came to this. It may have ended the A then and there.

You did a good start by seeing a lawyer and drawing up papers but how long can you stay strong before her? That is the thing you have to handle.

Get a VAR/nany cam if you dont want to end up in jail, this happened to many BS. She is not your loving wife now that person is dead, this is a new person and you dont know what she is capable of for having her cake and eat it too, to protect her image in front of others and children.

So, now is the time to man up and be strong, there is no room for any weakness.

you never informed his W. You actually held back truth from OMW for long. She never cheated you, she believed you and you betrayed OMW trust on you. So when you confront your wife also inform the OMW.

Don't forget that if your wife is emotionally attached to the OM, [it sounds that way], this affair may not be that easy to stop. She may agree to NC then take it underground.

One huge help in ending their squalid affair is to tell the OM's wife. The shame and criticism that will be directed at the OM for betraying his family will result in him throwing your wife under the bus. Also threaten to tell your family, WW's family, even school authorities. Whatever works in achieving the isolation of your wife from her fuck buddy.

Don't be influenced by your WW's pleas not to tell the OM's wife and keep the whole liaison a secret. This is what she needs to continue the affair. Like roaches such dishonest betrayals flourish in the dark.

Once the affair is well and truly over, your wife will be more inclined to tread the path of true remorse.

Sorry you are here.

Uh. Sorry to ask but why did you not shut this thing down hard when you saw the first set of texts?

The timeline is that it was "Only" an EA after the first texts and went physical on Air hockey Table day?

How did you know that he spent 90 minutes at your home? Was it already physical and you just wanted to time them? Im confuzzled.

BACK UP YOUR EVIDENCE OFFSITE. On a USB drive given to a trusted friend AND some cloud storage. You can easily get 5Gigs free.

As for R. This site runs a bit more R than my tastes as I have been on multiple forums but I will say this. Too many men try to combine two questions into one when considering R. You need two yesses.

1) Has she done all the necessary things to warrant R?

2) CAN *YOU* live with the fact another man has spewed his goo inside your woman? I have to be graphic to make the point.

There is NO shame in answering no to question 2. We men are territorial animals. Its in your DNA.

I would just add, that please try to protect the children. At their ages, they don't need to know this about their mom, no matter how mad/hurt you get. If you do decide to tell them, talk with a counselor first.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Try to have faith that things will, eventually, be ok -- no matter what happens.

I have found out that she is cheating on me with a "mutual friend" who just had a baby girl with his wife, is 15 years younger and is everything that I am not.

Cytron - I just wanted to respond to this. You stated this in a couple of places, that he is "everything you are not."

There is truth in the statement that he's everything you are not, but the truth is different than what you are seeing. Let me tell you what he REALLY is -

- a cheater

- a lier

- willing to screw around on his pregnant wife without any regard for her

- willing to use a married colleague as an affair partner

- willing to risk his career AND your wife's for his own selfish drives

Yeah. Sounds like a great guy.

And everything YOU ARE NOT. You have boundaries. You have respect for yourself and others. You have a moral grounding. You have integrity and honor.

So the flip of that statement? YOU are everything he is NOT.

Welcome to SI.

Wow, I am truly honored that all of you responded to my story. Yes, I should have told her right away...truth to be told, I am scared as hell. Spending 20 years of my life with a woman I thought I knew and the thought of being alone for the first time is truly scaring me. I am more scared for my kids. They are 9 and 5. They do not know any better. They will be the ones that suffer and that pains me. Part of me says to stay for the kids, but I know that is not reality and I think too many reconcile because of kids .

Thanks for the suggestions about the nanny cam as I will make sure that is done.

Question though...if I am telling his wife, doesn't that destroy another family? I am already having trouble destroying my family and the thought of destroying another is hard for me to swallow. But I guess it needs to be done.

Let me answer your question with one of my own. If you tell his wife, are you destroying his family or did he and your wife do that by having an affair? Would you have preferred honesty and the ability to make a decision based on reality rather than what you thought was true?

You don't owe him or your wife anything. Actually, you don't owe his wife anything either but as a matter of human decency, she deserves to know what kind of low life she is married to.

Yes, your revelation will destroy the other family. But it isn't you destroying it. It's already destroyed by her WH. She deserves to know the truth. She may continue to have kids with him or worse get AIDS or HEP C, HPV. She doesn't deserve that. Tell her now so she can deal with it now rather than later. She will find out, better to find out now than 20 years later and wonder if her life was a lie. She deserves to be treated so much better. Believe me she will appreciate the truth, even if it's hard to tell her, she will be grateful. And if you really want a R with your wife, NC can only happen when the secret is out fully IMO.

You should tell the OM's wife about the A.

She has a right to know what her WH is doing to their M.

You won't be ruining their M, the OM already has.

Your WW may not be the first or the only one he's cheating with.

What ever choice she makes will be the right choice for her.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 6:56 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

Yes, I should have told her right away...

You shoulder exactly ZERO responsibility for her progressing the affair.

Repeat that as often as you need for it to sink in. Her actions were her choices.

Of course you should have compassion for the OM's wife married to such a morally bankrupt cheater, but the over-riding reason for telling her is to end this affair.

What is going to stop your wife from further adultery if your request to cease is ignored? Simply the weight of the other BS's anger and the anger of her immediate family and friends.The OM will probably blame your wife and beg for forgiveness from his betrayed spouse, and that is exactly what you need to happen.

cytron

Tell the BS.

I would call her with your WW in the room and tell her.

Look don't make any rash decisioins about divorce or stay in the marriage. You are doing good by having your paperwork together. Var in place etc...

Everyone has given you great advice.

You are not to blame for their affair. You are not to blame for the break up of the AP marriage. The WW and AP did this not you.

Her affair has nothing to do with you it is all about her.

You are way more of a man then him! He can never be the man you are never!!! Don't you ever ever think otherwise!

Do you have a counselor? I would advise you to look up a good counselor and a good marriage counselor that deals with infidelity. Also go see your family doctor for the STD testing and if needed some paxil or such if you feel over taxed and anxious. As most of us do when dealing with the affairs of our spouses.

My marriage has survived as a lot of marriages that have went thru this.

Eat drink plenty of fluids and exercise...

I found that exercise exhausted me so I could sleep at night.

Good luck Saturday.

Cyt

A few things. Take them as constructive please.

1) You need to build your confidence. Hit the gym. It will have two effects. 1) It deadens the pain 2) It makes you hotter which will up your self esteem and you have esteem issues. You need serious ego food my friend and a few thirty somethings flirting with you (But you not responding) will do wonders.

2) Am I correct that you believe hockey table day was first sex? Is this thing still going on?

3 Agree with above. OM ruined his family it is YOUR DUTY to tell wife. She DESERVES the chance to start over with a non cheater and you rob her of that chance every day you wait. Do it directly. OM may try to intercept so start with phone call. INCLUDE OFFER OF PROOF!

[This message edited by Warninglight at 2:23 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

You have received excellent advice. I will repeat again for importance, build strength for the confrontation, you are going to get hammered with excuses, lies, etc. or worse, she might cry and be "so sorry", that IMO is harder to deal with than her pushing back. Either way she is going to try to manipulate you. Shock and awe!

When my XWW finally came out of her fog (after the D) and realized what she had done to our family, she told me she wished I would've come down hard on her and ended the A immediately, she thinks it would've snapped her out of it in time to save our M.

Be strong brother!

cytron, what traildad has done is given you a great example of something called blame shifting. Notice how it is his fault? If he would have done something she would have changed?

Do not let her do this. It is on her. Her choices, not yours. Stay strong brother.

t/j(threadjack) traildad, don't tell me you let her get away with that! end t/j

ETA sp

[This message edited by 5454real at 9:27 PM, September 5th (Thursday)]

(((cytron)))

I think you are being amazingly strong and level-headed despite the overwhelming torrent of emotions you have to be experiencing.

You said you are not very assertive -- sure doesn't sound that way when I read your posts! You are STRONG and you will get through this, no matter what happens.

You've gotten great advice, I really have nothing better to offer. I do whole-heartedly agree that you will likely be dealing with someone thick in the A "fog" and may be convinced that this is her "true love". My WH had a pretty strong case of this on Dday and it took him a long time to extract his head from his behind. Just be prepared. Sometimes they need to see the fallout and trauma of it all to finally start seeing reality. It may not happen quickly. You will just need to decide if you are willing to wait.

Lastly, I need to agree with nowiknow that YOU are everything HE is not. You need to believe that. Don't let her steal your self-esteem along with everything else she's already taken. He's not HALF the man you are. That's obvious to everyone reading this thread.

I wish you the very best of luck. I am so sorry you are stuck in this crazy making land with all of us. None of us deserves to be here. It's a long and rocky ride and, honestly, it just sucks.

Hang in there....