SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

ExpatSouth, I was in your situation not long ago, so I'm sorry that you find yourself in this spot. You've gotten a lot of good advice already, and I'll echo the other comments about the 180. Do it - it'll help tremendously.

Where I might have a different perspective from other posters is that I didn't file for D or make any big moves immediately. As much as I thought about taking those steps, I knew that I could play that card at any point. And I was feeling so emotionally up and down that I couldn't trust my own feelings - one day wanting to stick with the 180 and see if he'd come around, the next day wanting to end the marriage. It was hard to know what I was really feeling, so I chose to not make any big decisions right way. The point is that you're in control, so don't forget that and let that empower you to make whatever decisions are right for you (or hold off on big decisions if that's your choice).

In my case, fWH came around and after two months of sort of ending things / sort of not with the MOW, he chose to cut her off completely. So far, so good... Wishing you all the best. Lots of hugs!

Arnold1, I am in the same boat. Need to process the event before making any lasting decisions. So much that I don't know right now, and I keep expecting some "new" surprise.

Being vengeful, throwing her stuff in the street, that doesn't serve any purpose for me, and only makes the process of R or the process of a final separation(divorce) even more unlikely.

I just want to say that you seem to be doing very well; good for you. We all know how completely horrible this time is. I also need to say that not being jealous enough is a really bad reason to throw out there. Yikes!

Take your time. Take care of yourself. Let us help you.

You'll get through this.

Update: She wants to get together for coffee later in the week to talk. I will study up on the 180 in the next few days.

Will listen, but agree to nothing. I want to see contrition, some sense of remorse, and the vow to cut off contact with OM. Even then, I don't know if I want R. I would have to think about it. Long and hard.

(((hugs))) I'm glad that you're going to be able to get together to talk. Before that talk, I would suggest that you start thinking of some if/then scenarios, rehearse them and your response mentally, and be ready to trot them out if needed. Examples might be:

If she shows remorse, tells you that she' made a huge mistake, and wants to come back home, then you tell her that you need complete transparency, a NC letter that you will jointly write and send, and her to attend counseling to get to the bottom of why infidelity was seen as an acceptable option for her.

If she says that she's sorry, wants to come back home, but can't or won't write that NC letter (or follow any of the above), then you tell her that that isn't good enough for you and that you should stay separated for a month to think about things.

If she tells you that she has no intention of coming back or of not seeing the OM, then you tell her that its time to separate your finances, and set up a date to go over that. Then get to the bank immediately, cancel all joint credit cards, open an account with your name on it only, and transfer 1/2 of the money in the joint account into your account. Then stop your direct deposit and only deposit "your" money into your account. And then see a lawyer before the finance talk to find out what your legal obligations and rights are.

If she shows up with the OM and tells you to f-off, you leave, see your lawyer, do the above, change the locks on your house, and file for divorce to start the clock ticking.

You get the idea. Because you want to walk into this meeting looking and feeling strong (no matter how much you may have to fake it), and having thought through a variety of options and consequences. Stuff that you can live with. Weakness is not attractive and this is not a time to be weak. You don't have to be mean, cruel, or unkind, but you DO have to look out for YOUR interests. Because the person that is wearing your WW's skin is not your wife it's a pod-person with little to no concern about you right now. That's just the nature of the beast at this point. Strategic thinking.

When you don't file when the affair is disclosed and your wife leaves, it sends a message that you probably wish to reconcile. This puts your WW in a position of strength; in spite of her treacherous betrayal you want the marriage to continue.

It gives her the courage to cake eat; to continue the affair while she has the security of the marriage as a fall back option. She can take her time bargaining with you for a possible reconciliation, while enjoying the OM's romance and attention.

Here's some advice; when you meet for coffee present her with divorce documents. Tell her you're moving on with your life; sad that the marriage is ending but looking forward to a brighter future. It take away your WW's option to cake eat at her leisure and forces her to make decisions.

You emerge looking like a confident, strong, decisive guy who won't take any more of this adultery garbage. As others have said its a bargaining ploy; you can always withdraw the motion at a later date if you see true remorse.

((Expat)) You haven't said if the OM is married/in a relationship. If he is, then the BS (Betrayed Spouse) should be told.

I was kept in the dark for a year and a half (A YEAR AND A HALF), knowing something was wrong, not knowing that 3 other people (the 2 cheaters and the BH) were making choices FOR me behind my back.

Kindness? Nope. Cowardice. Deceit.

OM has been divorced for years. And for those who are urging me to hand over divorce papers, it's been a week. I don't think I could get papers drawn up in that time.

Just going to sit back and listen and not say much. Paraphrasing the 180, listen to what she's REALLY saying, not the word salad coming out of her mouth.

Dear Pat,

Make sure you meet with her in a public place and if possible take a recorder to protect yourself from her making allegations of abuse on your part.

Divorce is war and things get really nasty when the WS realizes their new life isn't going to be so cushy.

k9

Okay, so she left you 2 have an affair with an older divorced philandering jackass?

And she wants 2 meet you for coffee?

You said you want 2 work with a mediator and keep things amicable. Remember that part about her leaving you 2 have an affair with the philandering jackass? You can't be amicable while this is going on. The OM will be advising her and she will be listening 2 that advice because she wants 2.

IF you insist on working with a mediator, make an appointment for the time she wants 2 meet for coffee and let her "talk" there.

But there are 2 better strategies:

Number A: Meet with a lawyer and draft up a legal separation agreement for her 2 sign over coffee. Before coffee, close all joint accounts and protect yourself financially.

Letter 2: Don't meet for coffee. Tell her you have no desire 2 talk 2 her again until she's ended her affair and is willing 2 do whatever it takes 2 convince you that she's remorseful and wants 2 fix the mess she's created. Then, make her live on her own for a month 2 prove she's sincere.

-ol' 2long

From a female perspective it might be useful to gauge what your wife could be looking for from this coffee meeting. You have implied that you will be calm and measured in your questions and responses; a logical, calm approach to an attempted resolution to this crisis.

I would bet your wife is looking for emotion; anger, pain, even tears as you passionately demand answers to this betrayal. This, in her way of thinking, shows her you care; because you are obviously deeply hurt and therefore must love her.

If however you are cold, hostile or otherwise unemotional and withdrawn, then she might deduce that you probably don't care for her or the marriage and she did the correct thing in leaving. The coffee meeting will therefore reassure her of that.

The above is worth considering as you formulate your approach to the upcoming discussion. I suppose its part of trying to guess just what your wife's expectations are. Is she trying to to find out if there is anything left in the marriage [hence a hoped for emotional response]; or is she there to deliver the coup de grace?

In many places cooling off periods are greatly reduced or even eliminated in cheating cases.

Are you in quebec?

My wife did the same ! Cheated with no remorse and never looked back not even a glance after 18 yrs. so I feel the pain. I wish you the best but I want to tell you that my stbxw asked me to dinner and I got so excited like a sucker! Then I asked why ? What do we think will be the outcome? She said " an amicable divorce". I told her to f--k off divorce and amicable are not in same dictionary! But that is me and my story. Hopefully yours is happy. Stay strong! All the best !

Just an update after all these months.

I filed for divorce the week after I discovered the affair, if only to show her that I was serious. She never left this guy.

I got some really good advice from a trusted friend. He said that a year from now, the biggest question you want answered is : Did I show her respect?

I followed his advice, kept things on the numbers and out of the emotions, and it helped me navigate the agreement.

The divorce was final about a month ago.

Now she wants to go to dinner, telling me that it's "hard to let go of someone you've lived with for 20 years".

I want to tell her: You didn't love me enough to stay married to me, so why is it so hard to let go now? Unreal, huh?

Why would you want to go to dinner with someone who doesn't respect you, lied to you, risked exposing you to STD's, and didn't respect your marriage?

I'd rather eat alone.

k9

Now she wants to go to dinner, telling me that it's "hard to let go of someone you've lived with for 20 years".

Sounds like things aren't so great or as great as she thought they would be with OM.

I guess I should ask, is she still with the OM?

Oddly, if she is with the OM, and she is asking you out to dinner, I wonder if she has told the OM she asked you out?

Expat

Go have dinner but I doubt you will ever get the answer to "Why" nor remorse for her horrible choices.

You will most likely walk away feeling "disappointed" in someone that you love and respected.

The two qualities she has failed to show you.

Speaking from experience I walked away and never looked back.

My future was in front of me. Yours is too!

Glad you were able to be decisive and keep the emotions out of the divorce.

I am sure it has not been easy but you are already on your way to a better, brighter future.

Thanks for your update.

HM

Sounds like things aren't so great or as great as she thought they would be with OM.

I guess I should ask, is she still with the OM?

Oddly, if she is with the OM, and she is asking you out to dinner, I wonder if she has told the OM she asked you out?

Craig2001: I don't think OM is anywhere in the same universe as I am in regards to empathy and warmth. He's a horse trainer, rough around the edges, she met him when she took horseback riding lessons. Always just said he was "just a friend".....said friend kept asking her about her marriage, I could tell he coached her along the way to leave. But she had the choice to stay or go.

I have decided that silence is the best response because I really don't want to dig up the hurt and the pain I've been trying to negotiate over these past 7 months.

Truth be told, she can't hold on to the few vestiges of our marriage that she treasures, treating this like a cafeteria plan. And I can't be her friend. I used to be her confidant, the person she shared her deepest thoughts with....but I have credible evidence that she betrayed even these thoughts with her friends and her sister. She shared way too much, twisted way too much to make herself out to be the "victim" in all of this.

Expat

Go have dinner but I doubt you will ever get the answer to "Why" nor remorse for her horrible choices.

You will most likely walk away feeling "disappointed" in someone that you love and respected.

The two qualities she has failed to show you.

Speaking from experience I walked away and never looked back.

My future was in front of me. Yours is too!

Glad you were able to be decisive and keep the emotions out of the divorce.

I am sure it has not been easy but you are already on your way to a better, brighter future.

Thanks for your update.

HM

HM: It was a very hard road for me to keep things out of the emotional realm. I endured a lot of slings and arrows along the way, petty demands, spiteful comments, accusations. It was very hard to resist responding because I really didn't want anything to impede the course of events....I wanted the divorce to be final, to finally escape from this loveless marriage, and living with a crazy woman and her schemes.

So now it's really curious that she's still hanging on to the good old days. This was not the 1st time she had left, she moved out three years ago, but moved back after three weeks, ostensibly to try to save our marriage. And I worked hard to rebuild and revive that marriage. But when she left the 2nd time, it was like she wanted to turn the clock back three years and discount all of the blood, sweat and tears I had endured to make a better marriage.

So I don't really know what she wants now. Have her cake and eat it too? Not gonna happen.

Just because I'm a spiteful bastard I'd go have dinner with her and record the conversation. When the meal was over I'd get up and leave her with the bill. After all she asked you out.

If she shows any remorse or apology I'd send a copy to all those that she's told twisted lies to about you. I'd get on my high horse and ride off into the sunset. Just saying!